So this is something I started in Accounting class the other day. Please read and review!

Also please note: I do not own the Resident Evil franchise, nor do I own James Bond. Thanks much!

RUNNY EGGS

OMNIPOTENT VOICE OF DOOM (OVoD): Raccoon City, 19…19…uh, whenever that whole virus-outbreak-nuke-the-city thing happened. Quite honestly, I was kind of smashed throughout that whole 1990's thing. That was when my wife left me and then the house burned down and then my car mysteriously rolled off a fifty-foot suspension bridge with my dog inside…really it was a bad time… What? Oh, sorry. (Ahem!) Virus outbreak by the Umbrella Company coughevilcompanywhoexperimentsonhumansandhasabsolutely-nomoralscoughcough! forces the president to nuke the city six ways 'till Tuesday.

Strangely enough, the rest of the world is not disturbed by this flagrant violation of all the above-ground nuclear testing bans set up in the 1960's and the Zombie Legions from the Depths of Hades are eliminated. Stuff happens, Umbrella explodes in a fiery inferno known as a stock collapse and the Furby fades from memory, hopefully in some sort of blazing disaster, because come on. Who doesn't love explosions? Am I right or am I right? What? Stick to the script? But…Fine. Oblah-dee, oblah-dah, life goes on.

Suddenly, one fateful day in April…or was it May? October? January? Whenever. The president's daughter is kidnapped from…that's her? Damn, she's hot! Do you guys have her phone number…Don't wave that script at me! If you're going to wave anything, make it a bottle of rum, for God's sake. Captain Morgan, if you got it. Okay, okay. So this chick is kidnapped. How they got by her obligatory Secret Service guards, I have no idea. Then the president get this ransom note, see? Here's what it said:

Dear United States of America,

Hello! How are you all on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean? We are all fine; it's been unseasonably cold lately, but what are you going to do, right? How are you getting along with all your American-type activities?

Anyway, the reason we are writing is to let you know that we've got your daughter, Ashley, here with us. She's fine and is really enjoying herself. Yester-day, she went swimming and made a dream catcher in Arts and Crafts Hour. She sends her love and would like you to send some clean socks, as hers were eaten by a rabid wolf.

Love and Kisses,

Osmund Saddler

Spain division of the Los Illuminados Evil Cult

OVoD: Although no one really liked Ashley, for reasons unknown, the president called out the Marines to get her back. Unfortunately, the Marines must have been screening their calls, because they never picked up the phone. As a last resort, the president called upon the elite forces of the pizza delivery guy who happened to be strolling past the White House that day. This man's name was Leon Scott Kennedy. Here's how his recruitment speech went:

President:So, Leon. Do you mind if I call you Leon? Let me ask you, Leon, do you like secret agents?

Leon:Uh, yeah. Roger Moore is awesome. Live and Let Die is my favorite Bond movie.

President:Roger Moore! What the hell is wrong with you, boy? Sean Connery is the best Bond and you f-in' know it!

Secret Service Guy: Uh, guys? What about Timothy Dalton?

Leon and President: Uh, no. Shut up.

SSG: Well, I still…

President:No one cares! Anyway. Leon, how would you like to be a secret agent?

Leon:Well…I dunno… What's the pay?

President:Actually, we're a bit tight on funds right now, so it'd be a volunteer thing.

Leon:Do I get kick-ass gadgets and weapons and cars and shit?

President:You get a crappy handgun, one clip of bullets, and some first aid spray. And you'll be dropped off by two Spanish police officers in a Range Rover.

Leon:Any hot babe sidekicks that will sleep with me upon request?

President:One girl, my daughter. Touch her and I'll rip your lungs out and shove them up your nose.

Leon:…is she hot?

President:Here's a picture.

Leon:Meh. She's all right. Too preppy cheerleader for my taste. How is she from the back?

President:(coldly) I'm her father.

Leon:Yeah, but you're a guy too, right?

SSG:It's not bad, sir.

President:You shut the hell up!

Leon:One last question: are there zombies?

President:Of course not! This is scenic Spain! You'll probably be able to hit the bars and enjoy the local night life afterwards!

Leon:But not with your daughter.

President:No.

Leon:Well…as long as there are no zombies…

OVoD: So Leon was dispatched from the United States for Scenic Spain with only a handgun with the equivalent firepower of a Super Soaker, a clip of bullets, and the help of one Ingrid Hunnigan, a woman whose only real purpose is to state the obvious. Leon set out into the unknown, to face the not-quite-zombie members of the Los Illuminados…