Wrong Place, Wrong Time
Chapter 5
Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.
I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.
Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.
Author Note: This was originally an Omake File, but feedback I received demanded it be a separate short story.
Some would say that things are bad for Ranma alone in Nerima.
They'd be wrong ... dead wrong.
This was best demonstrated by the teleportation of several Sailor Suited Women on a manhunt.
"Now listen," said Mars, "we'll go in, get the full story, and—"
"DEAD SCREAM!" screamed the seriously pissed of Senshi of Pluto, yelling her usually whispered assault, and vaporizing a good portion of the Dojo's outer wall.
Mars sighed. "That's it; someone else can be the Leader. I quit."
Venus smiled. "Okay, I'm in charge. After all, you should never bet against blond."
The others ignored her, instead staring at the unusual sight before them.
Ryoga didn't know how he got there, leading Mousse and Tatewaki Kuno to find Ranma.
Truthfully, he didn't even know why they followed him.
But that strange island, those women that defied logic and most genetic data, the fact that their chests seemed bigger than their heads...
He shook his head. No, he would never be back in that strange world again. He was relatively certain he'd never survive the blood loss.
So, he was relatively happy that he had somehow gone from sliding down a slide in his cursed form on a vat of pudding to being in the Tendo's yard a very good thing, not knowing he had outwitted the author of this story—who was still trying to find a way not to let Sailor Moon rule the world that didn't involve him dying—and returned to the story.
Sadly, Kami-sama was still pissed at the piglet for using a strange ball of puke green energy and vaporizing a plant in the Almighty's office.
So, it would come to no surprise that a bull with wings, octopus tentacles, and other assorted chimera parts landed in the yard, roaring to draw either the fem-boy or the pervert it so desired to beat the crap out of.
And despite little P-chan's best efforts to hide, Taro easily found him running around the beast-boy's left leg.
As Taro lifted the piggy up to play, he was stopped as an eighteen foot section of the outer wall vaporized, revealing the Sailor Senshi.
Now despite most beliefs, Taro had seen much of Tokyo, and not just Nerima. So, he did occasionally run into magic girls...
Magic girls with not even a hair trigger, lots of power, and relatively no idea about collateral damage.
So, seeing them, he did the only thing he could do, with no Happosai to sic on them, or vocal cords to try the summoning of the dreaded pervert.
He held up a sign like Genma. "I'm not a minion of evil." "Please don't shoot me!"
Sure, it was cowardly, but those damn shots hurt.
As Sailor Pluto moved her Time Staff towards the bulking monster to ask a question, Taro panicked, relieved his bowels on the ground, and passed out.
He had been on the receiving end of that attack before.
It was not pleasant.
But in his defense, he was still new at using those signs, and had no idea he had called Sailor Pluto fem-boy.
The girls just blinked. "She killed him," muttered Uranus.
"He's alive," growled Pluto. "The bastard's too stupid to die." She then turned her attention to the black piglet that had landed on the dining room table after being dropped by the now sleeping chimera. "Ryoga Hibiki; as the Mistress of Time, I know all about your curse. You have five seconds to tell me where Ranma is, or I'll send you to Hell for real."
Ryoga simply passed out, his little paws indicating the two notes that were still on the table.
Pluto stalked up, spotting two letters on the table, each one being pointed to by a front paw of the sometimes-pig. Grabbing one, she sped read it. "So, he's going on a training trip. We must kill him before he—"
The rest was cut off as she slumped to the floor, rubbing her head. Cursing whichever Senshi was about to be painfully made aware that you just didn't hit your teammates; she turned her head up...
... and spotted Sailor Mercury holding Uranus's Space Sword like a bat. "Mercury?"
"Quiet, you," stated Mercury in an authoritative tone. She was in a bad mood, considering all the false leads she had been forced on within the last day. As with many quiet girls, Mercury had been a slow-ticking time bomb, waiting to explode, and vaporize all that dared to screw with her.
"Hey!" called out Sailor Venus. "I'm supposed to be the leader!"
The others winced as Venus soon joined Pluto on the ground.
"Now see here," growled out Mercury. "In the last twenty four hours, I have been stumped, abandoned, had my future plans thrown into chaos, attacked by a female Dark General waving some damn hammer, dragged all over Tokyo by a mad woman bent on eliminating this guy from the time stream, and finally party to an unprovoked assault on a Dojo, a chimera, and a piglet.
"Now, before we do one more thing, we are going to find out exactly where Ranma is, we are going to find out what he has done with Sailor Moon, and we will work this out rationally and with dignity.
"Or so help me, I will go on a killing spree the likes of which will leave all who hear of it vomiting and attempting to slash their own wrists in the hopes that such memories will not follow them beyond the veil. Do I make myself clear?" she screamed.
The still standing Senshi backed up from the crazed berserker known as Sailor Mercury, quickly nodding in agreement.
The two on the ground rubbed their heads, wondering if they should even move or risk her attacking them again.
Seeing no forces ready to challenge her authority, Mercury reached down, flung the pig off the table and into the hallway—where Ryoga would recover and discover himself in another universe based off another anime/hentai series that had no plot—and began to read the second letter.
The others had gathered together out of fear of what Mercury could do, Uranus was still slightly upset that her sword was not returned to her, but Mercury was still in a scary place right now.
Their fears grew as her right eyes began to twitch.
"Mars?" she asked, calmly, much too calmly in their opinion.
"Yes?" squeaked out the formerly savage Senshi of Fire.
"Was their something going on today at the Temple that we should know about?"
"Um," she said, noticing how the others had abandoned her and were now hiding behind the chimera, "Grandfather said he had something to perform today, and that it might be best if I wasn't there."
Mercury turned around with a smile. "And do you know who's involved in this ceremony?"
Mars shook her head quickly. "Why?"
Against all known facts, Mercury seemed to teleport across the several meters to her partner, before whacking her on the head with the sword. "Because that is where Ranma and Usagi are getting married in ten minutes, and it appears Usagi is carrying Ranma's child!"
"But Mommy!" whined Usagi, as Ikuko and Nuku Nuku worked on the final touches for the wedding kimono.
"No buts, dear," stated Ikuko, as she smoothed out some more wrinkles. Lucky the baby hasn't started to show, or I'd have to let my old wedding kimono out. "You did the deed, got pregnant, and now you have to do the honorable thing."
"But what about Love and Justice?" asked Usagi. "I love Mamo-chan, not Ranma!"
"Should have thought about that before you got knocked up."
Nuku Nuku was just smiling in her own formal kimono. "Nuku Nuku happy new friend Usagi is getting married. Nuku Nuku be best bride's maid ever for friend Usagi and new boyfriend Ranma."
The two mothers stared at the catgirl, who was now scratching her head. "But Nuku Nuku no understand. Ranma-kun is already my friend, and a boy; so how does that change anything?"
Shaking her head, Ikuko continued her work on the kimono. "Usagi, you have to take responsibility for what happened."
"But nothing happened."
"You slept with him!"
"But I've slept with a lot of people."
Ikuko paled, before deciding to start to ignore her daughter, and try and still pretend Usagi was as pure as the driven snow.
"I'm not doing it," stated Ranma as Nodoka smoothed out the formal wedding kimono she had brought for him.
"Now son," said Nodoka, sewing the fabric together as she worked on finishing the kimono, having only bought the fabric for it the day her son was born, so as to be prepared for his manly wedding day, "it is not manly at all to ditch your pregnant mistress on the day of her wedding."
"She's not pregnant," stated Ranma. Why is no one listening to me!
"Stop resisting," said Saturn, her Silence Glaive kept near him in case she needed to further entice him to go through with the wedding. "My future friend will not be born into a broken home, simply because you're refusing to take responsibility for what you've done."
"You have pictures of her?" asked Nodoka, narrowly missing sewing the kimono into Ranma.
Saturn handed her a photo.
Nodoka stared for a bit, before her eyes began to tear up. "MY FIRST GRANDDAUGHTER IS SOOOOOO CUUUUUTE!" she squealed.
Seeing an opportunity for freedom away from these crazy people, Ranma tried to make a dash for it. Sure, if he really was guilty, then that might be dishonorable.
But since it was yet another act by Sailor Moon, George W. Bush, Genma, and Ryoga to make his life a living hell, he saw no problem with it.
Of course, said attempt was cut short fairly quickly as he ran head-first into a Silence Wall.
"Oh dear," said Nodoka, tearing herself away from the cute pink-haired girl, and seeing her son on the floor. "I'll just have to finish it off for him, if he's just going to get it dirty like that. Really, doesn't he have any consideration for my hard work and feelings on this, his wedding day?" With that, she began to undress the unconscious martial artist.
Saturn quickly spun around, closing her eyes tightly. Must not have naughty thoughts about Usa-chan's Daddy! Must not have naughty thoughts about Usa-chan's Daddy! Must not have naughty thoughts about Usa-chan's Daddy!
Dun, dun, dun; and another one bites the dust!
"WE'VE GOT A CODE 5, I REPEAT, A CODE FIVE NEAR TERMINAL 65!"
In Tokyo Airport, several security guards were chasing a crying man who was riding an overweight panda through the airport. Said man was yelling for his son-in-law to stop running away and marry his flat-chested and possibly lesbian daughter.
It had never occurred to the two to simply page Ranma, seeing as Genma was still legally his father.
Nor did it occur to the two that security might not be too thrilled with them searching every plane for him, including destroying several very expensive security measures to do so.
But, perhaps a few decades in prison would teach them their lessons; that demon heads and attacking pandas were not allowed in the airports of Japan for a particular reason.
Mamoru slowly came to, pulling himself off his bed, to stare into the mirror, the sight as he passed it drawing his attention.
The first thing that caught his eye was the fact he was in a wedding dress; pure white, lace borders, and a nice train.
The second was that he had on make-up, light without being overbearing.
The third, he discovered, was that they had shaved his legs.
"How the fuck did they do this?" he asked.
But as his cell door opened, and five very large and very angry looking men stood outside it, Mamoru decided to worry less about his current attire, and more about keeping himself single until his friends showed up. Where the fucking hell are they?
Outside the Cherry Hill Temple entrance, stood three girls.
Akane stood with her War Hammer ready, determined to stop that hussy's wedding to her precious Ranma-chan. There was no way that Ranma-chan was marrying someone else besides Akane.
Nabiki stood with her face still in the computer, working online with several men to setup the online broadcast of Mamoru Chiba's wedding. Nothing made her day like taking down intolerant people like him a few pegs.
Kasumi stood in a long trench coat ... no one was really certain what she wore underneath.
Where were the others?
After using pressure points to subdue Ukyo and Shampoo into a deep sleep, Kasumi had opened a Tupperware container, releasing Akane's dinner towards Cologne.
She'd be fighting that thing for hours, before she returned.
And Kasumi was focusing on her plan. While Nabiki was consumed with her computer, and Akane dealt with Usagi, Kasumi would be teaching Ranma-kun what fun bigger toys could be.
And thus, they prepared to enter the holy grounds to commit unholy acts.
All in all, a normal day in Tokyo ... at least for a few of their wards.
"Are you sure we should have done this?" asked one short-haired girl in a Tuxedo Mask costume.
"Totally," said a guy with yellow hair, also dressed as Tuxedo Mask. "You saw how they were cuddling in the train; they have to have been on their way to this new Tuxedo Mask support rally."
In the seat across from the two gay people, sat Shampoo and Ukyo, hugging due to dreams of doing naughty stuff to their love, while now dressed as Tuxedo Mask.
"Tell them," growled Ranma, as they were positioned before the monk.
"But my mother worked so hard on the wedding," whined Usagi. Really, did this guy expect her to break her mother's heart?
Ranma rubbed his forehead. Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? "I don't want to marry you."
Usagi's eyes began to mist up. "But what about the baby?"
"THERE IS NO BABY!" screamed out Ranma, putting a halt to the ceremony.
The guests and family could only stare, as Usagi began to cry.
"Son, this is very unmanly," stated Nodoka.
"Mother, she isn't pregnant; we've never had sex; I've never met her before two days ago!" Ranma cried out.
"You mean not only am I not getting grandchildren from Sailor Moon, but I am also not getting any from Usagi as well?"
Ranma gulped. His mother was now fingering the hilt of her sword. So, he was left with deciding something: did he fear his mother more, or did he not want to be married to the blond life-wrecking machine?
Ikuko was pale. If the child wasn't Ranma's, than it must be one of the others Usagi had slept with. "No," she called out. "My daughter's honor must be preserved. Continue with the ceremony!"
There was no way in hell she was going to let that homophobic playboy Mamoru Chiba into the family.
"But I ain't even done anything to her!" yelled out Ranma, wondering why no one was listening.
Ikuko took a deep breath. "Well, you should have both admitted that sooner. Now, to preserve honor, you both will have to be wed today."
Usagi squeaked. "But I love Mamo-chan!"
"Well, I won't have a gay-bashing skirt-chasing no-good tomcat in my family!" stated Ikuko is such a way that left no possibility for discussion.
Saturn stayed quiet. She was solely focused on keeping them together until Usa was born.
Ranma just sank to his knees. "Why isn't anyone listening? I've been telling you all this since you jumped me!"
Grandfather Hino gulped. It appeared the wedding was quickly beginning to fall apart. And while the deposit was non-refundable, he knew he'd be involved in the fallout unless he either got the others to drop the matter—not likely, and there were more of them—or he got the couple happily married soon.
If he didn't do something, he knew his shrine would be destroyed.
Sadly, fate and Chaos had other plans.
As the shower of splinters and debris cleared, three women stood at the former entrance to the ceremony.
One with short hair quickly moved to an open seat, opened her computer, and began to type.
One with a trench coat on seemed to step off to the side, hiding in the shadows.
But the one with the spiked hammer of great size and a flaming red aura seemed to draw almost all of the attention. "USAGI TSUKINO, I SHALL NOT ALLOW YOU TO STEAL RANMA-CHAN AWAY FROM ME!
"PREPARE TO DIE, BITCH!"
"Like hell!" growled Ikuko, producing her trademark rolling pin, turning it in such a way that two-foot long bladed popped out of the handles. "My daughter is getting married today to this young man, and I won't let you stop them.
"Weddings are a place for joy. For trying to stop my daughter's wedding, in the name of the Tsukino clan, I shall punish you!"
Well, now you know where Usagi got it from.
Such attention was on the fight, no one immediately noticed when Ranma was yanked out of the room by the girl wearing the trench coat, and pulled into a supply closet.
As the single light was turned on, Ranma saw that his savior was none other than... "Kasumi? What are you doing here?"
The girl smiled as she turned around. "Auntie left us all invitations to come to the wedding, Ranma-kun."
Ranma baulked. Didn't Mom learn her lesson from the last wedding?
Who cares; I can make my escape and get to America before they know what hit them! Nuku-chan can catch the next flight.
But... "Kasumi, why are you wearing a trench coat?"
She showed him why.
"Oh," he quietly said, turning around, hoping things were not getting worse.
Sadly; Chaos had popcorn and a few chilled beverages ready, and was really getting into the new show.
As she locked the door and broke the key, she sauntered over to him, sweat glistening off her bare flesh in the pale light. "Now, Ranma-kun; I need to teach you something?"
"What?" he squeaked in a voice usually reserved for his female form.
"I want to teach you that bigger is better in all things," she purred as she grabbed her student.
Saturn was looking around. While she was stuck guarding Usagi in case Ikuko failed, Ranma had somehow managed a daring and impossible escape.
She wanted to go after him, she really did. But she had no clue where he had fled to, and there was no way she'd leave Usagi to the mercies of that Hammer-wielding Dark General.
As she moved to assist Ikuko—who was actually managing quite well to stand her ground against the Dark General—another wall exploded.
From the hole, and over the crying Grandfather Hino—really, standing before the exploded area was not a good move if you wanted to not get stepped on by the cruel destroyer—was Sailor Mercury, a rabid look in her face, as the remaining Senshi followed her, fear etched on their faces. "Where ... is ... Ranma?" she asked, the Space Sword still in her hands.
Saturn turned to face them. "I won't let you stop Chibi-Usa from being born into a happy home!"
Venus tried to talk with her, not wanting the young Senshi of Death and Rebirth to be bonked on the head. "Saturn, be reasonable! If that was the true parents, wouldn't she be here to tell us so? I mean, look at Pluto!"
Said Senshi was currently on a child-leash, which she was trying to bite through. "Nothing must interfere between the love of Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask for each other!" she cried.
"What the hell are you smoking?" asked Nabiki, watching as a hardened killer took his place at the alter for his wedding via the internet. "Tuxedo Mask, straight? Right, you need to cut back."
Mars turned to face Pluto. "How could you?" she cried. "Those were for ceremonial purposes only!"
The crowd seemed to stop and fall silent.
"Whoa," said Uranus, "Pluto's a pothead."
"So that's why the stocks are always coming up short!" said Mars.
Grandfather Hino, meanwhile, had heard all this, and walked out; acting like his glaucoma was acting up.
"Um," said Jupiter, "come to think of it, aren't we missing a few people?"
"The moon cats?" asked Neptune?
Artemis slowly pulled himself out of the Love Hotel room, silently shutting the door.
His mind was filled with the horrors Luna had inflicted on him last night.
She had made him dance the ... Macarena.
That was unforgivable, despite the nearly seven hours of nookie they had just finished. "No more," he muttered quietly. "I shall find my way, and find peace in this world."
"Same here."
Turning, he saw his one friend from the club last night ... well, one straight male friend who didn't try to talk Luna into letting them borrow him for some sick reason. "Inuyasha?"
The dog demon nodded. "Let's go before they wake up."
Nodding, the two ran to the street, hailing a cab, and heading to the airport. "Inuyasha, where are we going?"
"Somewhere where women don't abuse us."
"Some place like that exists?" asked Artemis in awe.
Inuyasha nodded. "Yes." Though damned if I know where.
And like that, the two were driven into the sun as it began to lower into the sky—odd since it wasn't even past three in the afternoon.
Sadly, when Luna and Kagome woke up and discovered their boyfriends had fled, there would be no mercy when they were caught.
"No, not them," said Jupiter.
"Tuxedo Kamen?" asked Mars.
Usagi started looking around. Just where was her savior? He should have rescued her by now.
The priest looked on as the bride was brought in, hands and feet bound.
Normally, he would ask why the mannish woman was being handled as such.
But the knife currently ready to be thrust into his back made him decide it was better to not know.
"Not him," said Jupiter. "Though we should really find him soon. I haven't seen him for a while.
"No, I was talking about the former groom. Where is Ranma?"
"EEEEEEK!" screamed said man as he ran into the room and out through the hole made by the Senshi.
"Come back here, Ranma-kun! You haven't learned your lesson!" came the cry of the stark nude woman following him.
"Damn," said Nabiki. "You don't see that everyday."
"So bouncy," drooled Grandfather Hino, earning a punch in the head from Mars.
"Bad glaucoma my ass," she muttered.
"Pervert!" cried the Dark General, shoving Ikuko to the side and sending the bladed rolling pin into the wall, barely missing the smoking form of Professor Natsume. "Stop flirting with my sister!" she cried, going through the wall after him.
Usagi just collapsed to her knees. "WAH! My wedding's ruined!"
"WAH!" cried another woman. "My son's still manly!"
Ikuko slowly stood up. In a way, she was saddened her daughter's wedding was ruined.
But in a much larger and happier way, it was a blessing. With the wedding stopped, no honor was lost, and she was no longer in danger of being somehow connected to Nodoka Saotome as an in-law.
Sadly, Chaos had prepared for such. "Not today, Mr. Bond," he said in a bad English accent.
Kenji slowly trudged in. "I got the damn thing," he growled.
Ikuko looked up. "What thing?"
He stared at her as if she had lost her mind. "The marriage certificate you told me to get. I hope you're happy that our daughter is now legally wed to that man-whore."
"WAH!" cried Nodoka, lifting Ikuko's pale form into the air and spinning her around. "That's means we're family!" shouted Nodoka.
She stopped, before turning to face Kenji. "Hey stud, wanna escort two hot babes for a quick drink?"
Nabiki sighed as she sent out an e-mail to her sources on who to pay.
Usagi just stared. "But I'm supposed to marry Mamo-chan!"
Saturn sighed. "Now Usa will be born for certain."
Pluto had finally managed to get loose from the child leash. "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!" she screamed, raising her Garnet Staff, and teleporting away.
Mercury twitched again, before walking off, occasionally freezing the poles of signs she saw along the way, and breaking them off. She needed a nice day of soothing Calculus, and soon.
Nuku Nuku just smiled. "Wow, weddings are really fun. When's the next one?"
Ranma ran for all he was worth, jumping across the roofs in the hopes of making it back to the Dr. Natsume's place and retrieve his backpack as well as the plane tickets.
"I just have to make it to Atlanta, and then I can live a normal life for a few centuries," he chanted both in his mind and the real world.
For Ranma, the Diggers had quickly taken on a heavenly image in his mind. They were a normal family, with normal problems, and normal lives. Surely, his life would attain some level of being normal there, and he'd never have to worry about pushy girls, girls out for money, girls out to bed him against all lines of common decency, and without weird fathers out to constantly scare you into following their wills.
Perhaps, even without sword wielding mothers out to beat any threat to their family.
Near the estate, three wererats noticed the entire Digger family sneeze.
"Like, that was totally weird. Why'd they do that? Think they have allergies?"
"How the $# should I know!" cried out the other female.
"Look at them jiggle," panted the perverted male, earning him a bop in the head.
"Like, careful," warned the first one, "he has glaucoma."
Ranma stopped at a corner. "Okay, which way do I need to go?" he asked himself, looking for any landmarks to help him get back to Nerima.
"YOU NEED TO DIE AND GO TO HELL!" screamed the now visible Sailor Pluto, as she sent out a blast of temporal energy.
Ranma dodged it and took off, having spotted a few ways home. "Why the hell are you after me?" he yelled back. "Ain't like I want the flat-chested tomboy."
What he didn't notice was the parallel roof-hopper that was following him smile. Apparently, her lessons were beginning to pay off. "I won't fail big-bosomed girls everywhere," she said, altering her course to tackle said student.
"You're marriage is against all things holy!" Pluto cried out as she once again tried to swat the fly known as Ranma.
"We ain't married!" he cried out.
"Yes you are!" cried out Pluto as she tried to run him through with her staff. "Kenji filed the paperwork; the ceremony was only a formality!"
So shocked by the fact that he was now married, which someone had actually managed to pull it off, and that this was once again done without his permission; he failed to sense the newest threat to him before she managed to connect.
"Feel the love, Ranma-kun," said Kasumi.
Ranma nearly fell off the roof and into Pluto's attack as he tried to twist his head free of Kasumi's imprisonment. Really, it wasn't like he could just put his hands on them and shove them away so he could see.
"PERVERT," cried Akane from the ground, never having bothered to learn to roof-hop. "Get down here and stop molesting my sister!"
Even Pluto baulked at that. "Is she even seeing the same reality?" she asked herself, seeing Kasumi grabbing onto Ranma like a octopus, not knowing Kasumi was trying to deal with Ranma's obvious fear of big busted women by a therapy of constant exposure.
This however does prove that even the Tendo sisters can all fail to learn their lessons, as this had never worked for Shampoo.
Then again, she never buried Ranma's head in them.
"Hey, did you hear?"
"No, what?"
"One of the guards just heard that the guy who knocked up Sailor Moon is being chased by Sailor Pluto while he's holding a naked chick."
"Damn, lucky guy."
"It gets better. Apparently, the guy just got married to some flat broad named Usagi."
"Already married and cheating on his wife with a hot girl. Man, some guys have all the luck."
Hearing this, Mamoru snapped.
Being left to rot in prison as he was being married off to a prisoner stuck in there for life, because his friends thought he was homophobic, he could forgive.
But losing Usagi to some flagrant playboy that was already cheating on her with another woman; he'd never forgive even as he placed them in their grave.
Soon, and much to the horrors of the nice inmates from B-Wing, Mamoru's power exploded, covering him in his Endymion royal armor. Turning to face the wall, he jumped, plowing through it, and set off to find the scoundrel who had stolen his love.
Before the prisoners could make their escape, one man stopped them. "We can't leave!" he yelled.
"Why?" was the general question.
He pointed to the groom, as Eiichi was on his knees, crying about how no one loved him and how he was damaged goods having been jilted at the alter. "Can you leave him like this?"
"HELL YES!"
"Knowing that if we get caught and sent back here, he'll cut our throats in the shower."
The guys sighed as they went to comfort the crying killer.
"Great grandmother be really upset with Spatula Girl," muttered Shampoo as the rode the train back to Nerima.
Ukyo was simply muttering how it couldn't be true, that she was not now damaged goods.
You see, they woke up in time for a massive wedding protest to be completed for the newest Tuxedo Mask Support Rally for Homosexual Rights.
Not that they had anything against such things. For Shampoo, she could understand since most males were like Mousse in her opinion.
Ukyo had been on the side of that question thanks to her Father, and she knew well enough how wrong it was to shun homosexuals for their choices. Granted, she never had a choice since Daddy Dearest kept sending her to all-boys schools, but still; she understood where the need for acceptance was coming from.
Strange that neither of them had every applied that lesson to Ranma, trying to force him to accept them while not reciprocating.
But that is neither here nor there.
What is important is that due to how Ukyo was registered, her marriage to Shampoo was the only one that could not be contested by the courts, and as such, many of the couples there were working now on having the clan registration for gender altered to make it perfectly legal.
Ah, got to love the court systems.
"This is all Kasumi's fault," muttered Ukyo. "If she hadn't kept me from saving Ranchan, I'd never be married to this Amazon tramp."
"Shampoo no tramp!" cried out girl. "And you now Shampoo's Airen by Japanese Law, that mean you treat Shampoo like Amazon warrior she is!"
Another little item that was bugging both women was a simple one. In Amazon culture, Shampoo had the most rights and privileges in the relationship.
In Japanese culture, even with the little snafu, Ukyo had the most rights and privileges.
And like many married couples, fights were about to soon erupt, much to the displeasure of those in this particular train car.
Cologne sighed as she looked at the television back at the Nekohanten, nursing some sore spots in her old body from having to deal with Akane's last meal.
"Never knew the Tendo girl had it in her. I'll have to watch Ms. Kasumi more closely in the future. She might make a nice Amazon with her control and deviousness," muttered the old woman, before a particular scene caught her attention.
"And now we have hundreds of happy gay couples finishing the ceremony. It just brings a tear to your eye to see so many happy couples stepping into the married life, not yet aware of all the suffering and pain they soon are to face."
Cologne nodded her head. "Truly sage advice."
"Well, it seems as if one couple isn't too happy to be married," he said, pointing at one group of tuxedo-clad girls who were quickly circling each other with ... a spatula and a watermelon mallet.
"Shampoo no let stupid Spatula Girl take Shampoo like this!"
"Hussy, I'm only going to marry Ranchan!"
Cologne sighed. "Well, at least things will stay interesting. I'd better prepare for my new son-in-law," she cackled the last bit.
She was a little worried however. Last she had heard, Ukyo was legally registered as a boy, and thus the marriage would be legal, which meant all the harder to get dissolved without someone within the families seeing it as some sort of attack on their honor.
"But this does leave openings for so much teasing." Smiling she shook her head.
As she went to prepare for the arrival of the newlyweds, she didn't even wonder why Mousse was not around.
Too bad for him, people didn't miss him at all.
"May I ask what the hold up is?" asked Ranma.
He had managed to lose Pluto.
He had even managed to lose Kasumi, despite the severely embarrassing positions she kept putting him in.
He was able to retrieve his backpack as well as one ticket.
He was even able to get his passport—complete with Jusenkyo authorization and corrections from a little known Japanese Ministry that dealt with stuff like that.
But the airport was being shut down.
"Well sir," said the cute desk worker, flashing her chocolate brown eyes at the man she'd hope to have escorting her home in a few minutes, "some terrorist attacked the airport, scaring people with his trained bear, claiming he was on a mission to unite some boy with his abusive lesbian daughter."
Ranma blinked, wondering why that sounded familiar. "Weird."
"Yes," she nodded. "The airport has rented out the local hotels to house the passengers until tomorrow, if you need a place to stay. I can show you the way," she added, a gleam in her eye that Ranma missed.
Ranma nodded. That would be better than risking the return home. "Sure, I'd like that. Any way to ensure no one's going to find me. I'm sort of ditching some people who seem to think I'm their slave or something."
Smiling, she switched the name for his hotel reservation to hers, before placing the counter closed sign up, and grabbing his arm. "This way, sir."
Ranma nodded, following the weird woman who seemed to be treating him like Ryoga. Man, she doesn't need to lead me around like this.
Kasumi paced inside the padded room.
"My student thinks this will stop his lessons?" she asked no one as she continued to pace.
Ranma, thinking Kasumi was under some drug due to her total lack of inhibitions and her somehow intense need for him to be fascinated with her bust, had dropped her off at the hospital where Dr. Tofu worked at, hoping he could cure her.
Sadly, upon seeing his new patient, the dear doctor was off, dancing with a security guard and calling her Betty.
As such, Kasumi was left in her hospital gown, cackling about her new plans to bring Ranma to what she deemed the proper side of the force.
"I ain't married to the hussy," proclaimed Ukyo, earning a whap on the head.
"By your own laws, you are married, and by our laws, you did defeat my great-granddaughter, so you are married there as well."
"But she is no boy-type," said Shampoo.
Nodding, Cologne tossed Ukyo some instant packets. "Enjoy your honeymoon, neo-son-in-law."
As the two face-faulted, Nabiki smiled as she ate more of her ramen. She had to admit that while today was chaotic, and she'd gone two days without sleep, she really was enjoying herself. But she was always a sucker for dinner and a show.
Too bad she hadn't been able to find the rest of her family.
Where did they run off to?
"I tell you Soun," said Genma as they played Go in the prison yard, "we've got to get out of here. They'll only give me three meals a day of measured portions. THREE!" he cried out to the heavens, as Soun switched several of the pieces around.
"It's not too bad, Saotome," stated Soun. "I find it incredibly relaxing."
"But only three meals, Soun," he pleaded. "And no saké at all! Oh, how cruel for my dishonorable son to let his kind and honest father to suffer in prison!"
Short answer, how could you not look at Genma and think "guilty as sin", before locking him in the general population?
Though most of Genma's problem with their situation was not the lack of food and booze, as he could and did steal that from the other prisoners, but the big guy named Eiichi who kept blowing kisses his way.
Some guys are just too desperate on the rebound.
"Don't worry, Saotome," said Soun. "Soon, my daughters will be here with our lawyer, and we'll be released as this is all cleared up. You'll see."
"So you called them?"
"Oh," said Soun, scratching his head. "I'll call them tomorrow. Dinner was so good, I forgot."
Somehow, even I can't see that call being made anytime soon.
But at least Eiichi found himself a new love interest.
Akane growled as she tried once again to shake herself free, but found the ropes refusing to release her. They must be enchanted.
Grandfather Hino sat down, out of both breath and wards to place on the obviously possessed girl. He turned slightly. "Your turn, Father."
The priest nodded, before he walked up to the tied-up girl, covered in sacred parchments. Opening a flask, he began to sprinkle her with holy water. "The power of Christ compels you; the power of Christ compels you..."
As a rabbi, a bishop, and a Buddhist monk entered the room, taking their places in the line hoping to fix the "poor girl in need of exorcism", Grandfather Hino sighed. "Momma said there'd be days like this."
Rei shut the door and returned to the TV room. She really didn't want anything more to do with this.
"Maybe it's time I moved back in with Dad."
"Usako!"
Usagi stopped crying on her mother's shoulder at her ruined wedding, forgetting once again that she wasn't supposed to be upset, to see Mamoru running down the street in his armor, sword in hand, ready to kill.
Ikuko only saw the bane of her existence, and someone who would only bring more dishonor on her family. "What do you want?" she asked in a cold voice.
Stopping in surprise, Mamoru gulped. "I have come to free Usako from that cavorting whore known as Ranma Saotome."
"For your information," she said, enjoying that at least her knife could twist in a good way, "that young man and Usagi are married.
"And he is not a frolicking ladies man such as yourself." Really, Ikuko didn't know why those women were after Ranma, but he seemed ... more stable ... than his Mother, whom Ikuko had to knock out before she continued to put the moves on yet another guy she'd never "been acquainted with".
"But I've always been faithful to Usagi."
"We still don't like homophobes in this house," she said.
"But Tuxedo Kamen is straight!" he yelled in desperation.
Ikuko snorted. "Who'd be stupid enough to believe that?"
Usagi raised her hand, but her mother wasn't looking at her.
"But I have proof that Tuxedo Kamen is straight!" cried out Mamoru, changing to his tuxedo clad form. "It is because I am he!"
Ikuko paled, before her face grew red with rage. She marched before the masked man, and slapped him hard, sending him to the ground. "How dare you use my daughter to make people think you're straight!"
"Huh?" came the two replies of Usagi and Kamen.
"I should have known," she muttered. "You played the straight guy part too well. You were just using my naïve and gullible daughter to keep up your image!"
"Mamo-chan, how could you?" cried out Usagi.
"But it's not true!" he cried out.
Ikuko snorted, before kicking him in the crotch. "Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go track down my daughter's husband."
As a crying Usagi was led into her house, Mamoru lay on the street, holding his battered crotch. Only one thought was going through his mind. Ranma Saotome; for this outrage, I shall see you dead!
Kodachi had been hoping that her blessed Ranma-sama's archrival could lead her to him.
Instead, she was led to yet another challenger. "So, you seek to keep me from my Ranma-sama? OH HOHOHOHOHOHO!"
The barely clothed woman smiled. "So, you wish to challenge Naga, the White Serpent? Soon, you shall learn your folly. OH HOHOHOHOHOHO!"
Somehow, the author is unsure who to root for.
Ranma sat on the plane as it took off.
He just wanted to sleep, despite the fact that Nuku-chan wanted to play some trivia games. When she had caught up with him, he had been coming out of his room after untying the young woman whom he had to tie up just to keep her from taking advantage of him in his sleep, followed by a pressure point to put her to sleep.
"Will Atlanta be fun, friend Ranma?" asked Nuku Nuku in an innocent tone.
Ranma nodded. "It'll be the best," he said. And it will be so peaceful and safe.
Meanwhile, two Digger sisters were currently looking at the photo of their father's newest assistant.
"He looks so dreamy!" panted Brianna.
Gina nodded, before breaking down in a cackling laugh.
Sneezing and shivering, Ranma laid back into his chair. "I'm going to try and catch some sleep. Wake me up when they start serving the meals."
"Okay," nodded Nuku Nuku. "I'll just watch the movie." She had always wanted to see this "Garfield" movie everyone was talking about.
"Whatever," he said as he tried to sleep. Not like I should be nervous. Even I should be safe in a plane.
In a seat a few rows behind them, sat three people.
"Damn it," growled Ikuko, "those aren't for you to play with."
Nodoka sank back into her seat. "You never said that in college."
Ikuko paled. Did Nodoka take advantage of her? Did this explain that tattoos? Is this the reason that ambassador never stopped calling her?
Usagi just sighed. Her former love had used her to pretend to be straight; her current love was fleeing to America. Setsuna refused to answer her pages. "Why me? Why can't I find love? Why can't I...
"Mother Nodoka, those aren't for you to touch, either," she said, pushing Nodoka's hands away from her chest.
The older woman just pouted. "You're no fun."
And yet another few seats back, sat one upset tomboy.
Akane growled as she ripped another ward off her body, and used her hand towel to remove the excess water. "Damn priests, thinking I'm possessed.
"Perverts, that's what they all are."
She had a plan for the moment. She would go to America, find Ranma-chan, and drag her red-haired ass back to Japan and have the wedding Akane always dreamed about.
Of course, that would all happen after she taught the pervert a lesson about hitting on poor innocent Kasumi.
In a few seats back from her sat another girl, dressed in a skin-tight nurse's outfit.
Kasumi drank her complementary beverage, her mind not on the poor doctors from whom she had stolen the credit cards from to pay for this trip.
No, it was on a certain pigtailed boy who refused to learn his lesson.
But in a way, it was a blessing. In America, she'd have more power to show Ranma what was truly important, and she'd at last cure him of his fascination with the Itty-bitty club for women.
A few chairs back sat one upset skeleton.
Betty was pissed at this hussy who dared try and toy with the emotions of the man she loved.
No, soon, the world would see the death of the slut that was named Kasumi, and Tofu would be free of the foul witch's spell that often precluded Tofu from proclaiming his true love for poor Betty.
Now if only that damned guy sitting beside the green haired woman would stop staring at her chest, Betty could stop feeling so dirty.
Really, why did all the guys who liked small breasts just drool over the love-crazed skeleton?
And even more seats back from her, sat one green haired woman and a short haired prince of Earth.
"When can we kill him, Setsuna?" asked Mamoru, excitement in his voice, his sanity nearly gone after what had happened when he tried to talk to Usagi, his voice also slightly higher as well.
"Soon after we land," said the crazy Senshi of Time. "After all, there are a lot of dirt roads in Georgia, and it would be such a shame if he got lost, killed, and chopped into itty-bitty pieces while still alive on one of them."
Mamoru nodded, slobbering a bit, much to the irritation of the flight attendants, who figured he was drooling after them.
Strangely, this was thought by both the male and female flight attendants.
Back in coach, sat two women already filled with hatred for each other, and one small woman currently reading War and Peace.
"So," said Ukyo, "we get to America, find Ranchan, and straighten this all out, and get our divorce when my jackass Father fixes my records."
"Ah," said Cologne, "young love never lasts as long in this day and age."
Shampoo growled. "Shampoo no married to stupid Spatula Girl."
"Careful dear," said Cologne, pointing to one of the magazines the girls had with them, "calling each other pet names that are insulting is the first sign of an abusive relationship."
"Why did we bring her again?" asked Ukyo.
"Because I'm the only one with the money to pay for this trip," said Cologne.
Shampoo began to sob. Why was she having such a difficult time with her Airen? Why didn't he do what he was told? Those women on TV said the man was always supposed to listen to his woman. Why Rosanne lie to Shampoo? True, Ranma is no Dan, him in much better shape, but he no listen to Shampoo!
Chaos smiled on the couch, grabbing a beer from thin air. "Ah, so this is why the Gods have avatars. These humans make such amusing creatures to watch and play with."
Opening a TV Guide for next week, Chaos looked over what was in store for Ranma. "Ah, so they are those Diggers. My, I think I should send Usagi a basket of fruit for freeing me from Galaxia. I surely enjoy this all the more."
Meanwhile, in a checked bag of luggage of Akane Tendo, a small piglet sat in the cold cabin, freezing, and surrounded by chocolate covered bananas, still in shock from his second trip to the Eiken's universe.
But one thought kept him warm: the thought that this was all Ranma's fault. If not for Ranma, he wouldn't be constantly finding that world, getting attacked because of his curse, being cursed, and Akane wouldn't be so upset.
How dare he make kind, innocent, pure Akane cry? After all, what has Akane ever done to deserve such treatment?
He would have brooded more, but the air was sufficiently cold enough to freeze little P-chan solid.
Luckily, this would keep him in the luggage.
Bad news was that his curse would ensure that Akane's luggage was soon lost.
Oh well.
In his chair, Ranma slept on, dreaming of a normal life in Atlanta.
Let's let him dream folks.
Because reality will suck so much more.
THE END.
The final omake of the omake by Wargiver:
On the other side of the plane sat Yosho without his disguise field, Tenchi and Sasami. Tenchi looked at his grandfather, "So this Arms Master should be able to help with my training?"
"She certainly should, she is considered one of the best on the planet."
Tenchi nodded, "What did Lady Seto talk to you about?"
Yosho glanced at Sasami briefly, "Oddly it did not concern you." Yosho wondered, 'What is Sasami and Seto up to, and how did they arrange this marriage 10 years ago?'
Sasami looked towards her fiancé across the row sleeping next to the cute cat girl android, 'Soon we will be together, just as Tsunami promised, my destined one'
Tenchi silently prayed for what ever poor soul caused Sasami to giggle like that.
A few rows back Luna and Lina Inverse sat. Lina was looking most unhappy, but was wearing a fake smile every time Luna looked at her. Luna said, "Don't worry Lina, we will find your fiancé soon and settle this honor situation. Besides I am certain that this Ranma is a much better choice then that blond idiot that follows you around."
Lina repressed her indignation, and forced a smile, "That's great Luna, really great."
Luna continued, "I am certain that Diggers-sensei will be able to help locate him."
A few more rows back sat Hotaru and her parents, who looked a little weary of their charge. "Don't worry Michiru-mama, Haruka-papa, we just need to ensure that Chibi-Usa is born to a happy family, no matter the cost and everything should be fine."
Her parents could only nod, knowing that pissing her off now was a very bad thing.
A few rows back sat Gourry, "Steal Lina from me, will he? Well my blade of light will strike him down in riotous furry." Emalia and her chimera boyfriend wondered if he suffered brain damage recently from his personality turn around. This was not a good sign.
A few more rows back sat Ranma and Akane's friends, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka, Sayuri. Both boys had won a trip for two to America to Atlanta, oddly they never remembered entering that contest, but their 'girlfriends' were most adamant about who the two were taking.
From his couch where he was watching events Chaos imitated a flight announcement, "This is your co-pilot speaking, this is your special nonstop, no escape flight to Atlanta Georgia, specially chartered to ferry Ranma, and his fiancées, friends and rivals, plus a few people planning his gruesome death. Please stay seated for the duration of this 9 hour torture flight so Ranma can have a chance at a last meal. Thank you for flying Chaos Air."