A/N – Hi! Long time no write, yeah? Well, here's something I was working on and brings people into the Harry Potter fandom because I'm gonna be doing a Hermione/Fred one, 'kay? Please R and R!

104 Ways to Annoy/Harass/Disgust/Generally Scare Lucius Malfoy

By an impertinent house elf

1. Sit next to him

2. Scoot closer to him

3. Tell him blonde jokes

4. Make him watch "The Music Man"

5. Make him write a paper on his predictions of what will happen in the relationship of Professor Harold Hill and Marion Paroo

6. When he's sleeping, braid his hair into a hippie style

7. Drug him and get him a fro/ a bob / a crew cut / a Mohawk or (my personal favorite) a perm

8. Replace his Snakey Cane with a walker

9. Compare the Malfoy Manor with a Barbie Dream Home

10. Compare him to Ken

11. Compare him to Barbie.

12. Poke him

13. Poke him some more…with his own cane

14. Ask him what kind of statement he's making with the black

15. Ask him if he's a goth

16. Ask him if he's an emo

17. Take him to a LOTR convention and tell people he's Legolas

18. Ask him what he does with his cane

19. Cower in fear at what he does with his cane

20. Tell him to watch "HAIR"

21. Ask him why he keeps getting eluded by teenagers

22. Tell him to get a catch phrase

23. Pack him a lunch for his DE meetings and tell him to share his Twinkie with Rudolphus

24. When he looks disgusted threaten him with hair dye

25. PINK hair dye

26. Sing "Good Morning Starshine" at the top of your lungs during his "important" dinner parties

27. Replace his hair gel with Hair-B-Gone

28. Wear your "MUGGLE" t-shirt and prance around with him during his rounds

29. When washing his clothing, accidentally spill bleach on his robes

30. When he wears his new white clothes, tell him it's after Labor Day and he should now the rules of fashion

31. Steal his socks

32. When he asks about his socks tell him it was the laundry fairy

33. Put his underwear in the freezer

34.Insist that he has a secret admirer when he finds your melted chocolate hearts in his seat cushions

35. Try to read him "Rapunzel" and try to spot things that connect to his life

36. Point these factors out to him

37. Nickname him "Lucy"

38. When you go somewhere and return to the Barbie Dream Ho—I mean—Malfoy Manor yell "LUCY, I'M HOOOOME!"

39. Get him a pet guppy (yes a guppy, with a "G")

40. Tell him it's for a lesson in responsibility

41. Replace all of his expensive alcoholic beverages with Diet Coke

42. Make a secret base under the Malfoy Manor for all the Death Eater meetings and call it the "Snakey Cave" (base it on the Bat Cave)

43. Call Lucy a suck up

44. Ask him why he doesn't have a real snake

45. Tell himyellow is the new black

46. Give him gold stars when he's good

47. When he's good for an entire week give him a gold badge saying "I'M REACHING FOR THE STARS!"

48. Insist his "Malfoy Research Booklet" is a diary

49. Read his diary and make punctuation, spelling and grammatical corrections

50. Add notes to the sides with your comments

51. Make them sound corny

52. Give him a theme song

53. When he comes into a room, play the theme song

54. Refer to him as a "Girly Man" in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent

55. Put gum in his hair

56. When he looks sad, play the violin mournfully

57. When he looks happy, do the Mexican Hat Dance around him

58. At Christmas time, decorate his house with bald, skinny, snake-like Santa's and when he asks, tell him to have a "Very Voldy Christmas!"

59. Glue a galleon to the floor and watch him struggle to get it off

60. Tell him if he grew out his hair and got a perm he could be Robert Plant

61. Embroider lace and sequins on to his Death Eater robes

62. Show him your "Happy Puppets" and tell him it'll help his anxieties

63. Replace all of his bondage equipment with your McDonald's Happy Meal toys collection

64. Write him poetry

65. Bad poetry

66. Announce, loudly and in public, that you saw him in the "Peter Pan" movie

67. Bake him Get-Happy-Brownies when his plans are foiled

68. Make him eat your "Chocolate Surprise"

69. After he eats it, scoot closer to him and tell him chocolate is an aphrodisiac

70. Get him a kitten and tell him petting animals relieves the soul of tension and the build up of nerves

71. Tape "Kick Me" on the back of his Death Eater robes

72. Pierce his ears and tell him to "Get his bling on"

73. Ask him if he remembers the 60s

74. Misspell his name as "Luscious" and insist it was an accident

75. Label all drawer, cabinets, shelves and rooms with Post-Its

76. Cover his room in Gryffindor colors

77. As an excuse, insist that he is an autumn, not a winter

78. Play "Platinum Blonde Life" when he's feeling exceptionally super model-ish

79. Tell him his diet isn't working

80. Tell him he has split ends

81. Tell him he'd look wonderful in Gucci

82. "Boxers or Briefs"

83. Tell him, for every bad word that he says, he owes you a knut

84. Turn his closet into a Voldemort shrine

85. Make him balloon animals and load them all into his room

86.Make him Jell-O

87. When he refuses to eat it, look hurt and tell him "But everybody has room for Jell-O!"

88. Get him a stress ball

89. Name it Sherman

90. Enroll him in pilates

91. Get him a subscription to "Cosmo Girl"

92. Get him a heart-shaped locket with an "L" on it

93. Give away his Snakey Cane to "evil unicorns with gummy bears and a mind for Boggle"

94. Make him a member of SPEW

95. Ask him what his astrological sign is then read him his compatibility charts everyday

96. Go "Professor Trelawney" on his ass

97. Fix his hair into flower barrettes while he's stunned and spray paint all the mirrors black.

98. Shower him with Lysol after he comes back from a DE meeting

99. After he laughs maniacally, offer him a Tic-Tac

100. Pluck his eyebrows all off and dye his hair brown

101. Tell him he's the Mona Lisa

102. Exchange his cane for an umbrella (tell him it's more practical)

103. When he's hung over sing (very loudly) "Oklahoma"

104. If you're not dead yet…be alive