Alright? Some of you may have read this all before…if so, skip kindly on to 'If It's All The Same To You', the only thing that hasn't been posted on ff. net before. However, for those of you who are new – welcome, friend! Looking for faintly amusing, Marauder-era dialogue fics? You've come to the right place…comes with a hefty dose of RLSB implied slash, sarcastic!Remus, emotionally unstable!Sirius and an OC who is disposed of with almost indecent haste. Enjoy, and remember, I love feedback, of any sort. Well, technically, that's a lie, who enjoys flames? But ya get the gist. I'll shut up now and get on with it…
Disclaimer: not mine. I'm not saying it again, take it for granted it applies to the rest of this fic.
"Moony?"
"I'm reading."
"Don't you want to talk to me?"
"…"
"Moo-oony…"
"Padfoot…this book contains…eight hundred and forty three pages, only three hundred and two of which I have read."
"And?"
"…it's a book about Transfiguration. A subject you are failing, and a subject I need very badly to do well in. And a subject taught by possibly the scariest woman on the planet."
"Yeah, but…"
"Sirius, can you not go and bother James? Or Severus? I'm even prepared to let you hex an innocent pupil until you're blue in the face if you'll leave me be."
"So you don't want to talk?"
"No, Padfoot I bloody don't! What was wrong with at the meal table this evening? Or in Herbology? Sheesh, Pads, just because you can afford to loll about on your ass looking smooth doesn't mean we all have that luxury."
"…"
"Sirius…"
"What! You can't go all angry on me just 'cause I'm sitting here…I'm not disturbing you."
"Yes, you are. You are the most disturbing person I know. Hell, noone else can make me want to strangle them just because they're breathing."
"…you know, that could almost be hurtful…"
"Go and lick your wounds down by the lake, then. I still have four hundred-odd pages to go."
"You know, Moony…sometimes I wish I were a girl."
"Oh, Merlin…Sirius, I really cannot be doing with a huge psychological debate now of all times. Wake me up tomorrow and we can have a chat about gender-confusion, okay?"
"…"
"You're doing it again. The staring. Don't think it's bloody endearing. I can assure you it is not."
"So my problems are less important to you than… 'Developments in Cross-species Transfiguration During the Nineteenth Century', then?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's nice, isn't it? Gods, Moony…"
"Pads…I don't mean it like that. Seventeen year old boys have had deep, angsty thoughts since the dawn of time…and no doubt our great great grandchildren will be having them too. Whereas…Gabriel Cox-Barnaby's study on aquatic transfiguration was a singular, and quite remarkable event. Can it not wait?"
"…"
"…"
"You see, if I were a girl, we'd talk about our problems, rather than squashing them. You know, how we pat each other on the back and talk about girls in really chauvinistic, macho way."
"Sirius, we don't have problems."
"Ha!"
"But we don't. Okay, so I'm not your prime example of a normal, cheerful teenage boy…but we get along. You make it sound like there's all this tension going on or something. I mean, we have got exams coming up…"
"…"
"What? We don't have problems. Look at Marcia Allan in Ravenclaw…mum dead of cancer, dad an alcoholic. You listen to too much love music, Padfoot."
"That's rich, coming from you."
"What's that meant to mean?"
"All that fucking Shakespeare and Keats and whatever…and you listen to Chopin."
"It's not a crime, you know."
"Yeah, but you've changed."
"It's called puberty, Sirius, get over it."
"Remus, you can be such a little wanker when you want to be."
"Well, you disturbed my studying."
"Is it so bad to want to talk to my best friend?"
"When you've had all day to bug me about your hopes and fears – yes."
"Fine."
"Fine. Can I read now?"
"Yes."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Yeah, but Moony…you're not the same any more."
"Gods. You can't just say something like that and not justify it."
"You know what I mean."
"No, I don't. Do I look like I can read minds?"
"You can be so dense, you know."
"Well so can you. I can't say it any plainer: fuck off."
"See, that's always it, isn't it? Always the same…"
"I think you could probably count the number of times I've sworn at you on the fingers of one hand, actually, Sirius."
"Yeah, but you think it. If it's not about Julia, you don't want to know."
"Oh, I see. Why didn't you just come straight out and say it?"
"Say what?"
"That you want to dig up this old argument and give it a few prods to see if it's still living."
"Don't pretend it's not an issue."
"It sure as hell isn't your issue."
"Who says? When I can't even talk to my best friend because…"
"I was never your best friend, Sirius Black, so stop talking shit."
"You don't know anything."
"Excuse me?"
"Dammit, Remus!"
"Will you shut up? We're in a library…"
"Do I look like I'm bothered? You and bloody James, talking and whispering about Lily and Julia, looking at me as though I'm sort of leper because I don't send girls roses or think of ways to pledge my true, undying love."
"It's…not like that."
"Yeah, well…try being me at the moment."
"Oh for gods' sake! Could you be any more melodramatic?"
"Moony. For once in my life I'm trying, I'm actually trying to express my feelings…instead of just hiding behind pranks and jokes and insults and stuff. I thought you'd understand…you're all into the whole emotion thing."
"Fine. Whatever. Go on…tell me you're in love with Julia and then go away and annoy the house-elves because this chapter's really relevant to my essay."
"Yeah. Fine. I bloody will…what?"
"It's about problems with gender when Transfiguring jellyfish."
"Do you think I give a toss! No, I meant about…what you said…"
"Huh? Oh…well, come on, Sirius, it's so obvious. You're always throwing killer glares at us when we're together. I must say…with the amount of girls you get through, I thought you'd at least stay away from my girlfriend."
"…"
"What? I'm not mad at you, Pads. I just know that if I don't tell you…I'll turn around one day and you'll have your tongue down her throat."
"Is that how much you trust Julia? And me?"
"Well…you haven't really been the most trustworthy of friends, have you?"
"Moony…I thought we weren't going to mention that again…I told you…that was stupid of me. I'm not like that any more."
"Oh yeah? What are you like? And if you've changed, then how come I can't?"
"Because…I don't know…because I don't ever see you any more."
"…"
"You know it's true. You're always with Julia or James, all cosy and romantic…I thought I had a hand in getting you and Julia together anyway…"
"You did. See, you're a great mate, Pads. Good of you to swallow your love for her and let me get the girl for once. I do owe you one, you know. I don't forget."
"Oh Merlin…I don't…I…so how come you don't talk to me about her? How come Prongs gets all the secrets all of a sudden?"
"Because…because he knows girls aren't just about tits and legs."
"What the…? This is James we're talking about!"
"Yes, and if you took the time to talk to him, instead of grumbling under your breath about how he's always off with Lily, you might just notice he's changed, too. If you want to hang back in the days of imagining what Laura Richards' cup size is, fine, but you're on your own, mate."
"…"
"Man, the amount you go on about James…if I didn't know better, I'd say you were in love with him, too. We've been together six and a half years. Dynamics shift. We're still all best friends, aren't we?"
"You don't know anything, Remus Lupin."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. I don't love Julia, scrawny little mouse that she is, and I sure as hell don't love James Potter."
"Good. That's…good. I can't deal with sexual tension. Now will you please, for the love of all things holy, let me read?"
"Sexual tension? You wouldn't know sexual tension if it sat on you."
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius. Just tell me what the hell you're on about and then go away."
"…"
"I'm waiting…"
"…I love you, you stupid twat, though I haven't a clue why, when you make me so bloody angry all the time. I shoot killer stares at you and Julia because I like to picture her at the bottom of the lake. And I hate James because he's closer to you than I ever was. Now go on and keep reading about your blessed jellyfish. Gods."
"…Oh."
AN: mwahahaha clueless Remus…nehoo…hit that little purple button and then keep on moving to the next instalment, which features a rather shell-shocked Moony and a rather sticky end to the hapless Julia. dd xx