This story might turn out to have 1 chapter, or 10 chapters, or even 100(no, really). It all depends on how bored, how hyper, or how purple I am.
NOTE. This is NOT a crossover of HP and Not Another Teenage Movie.
DISCLAIMER : If I did own Harry Potter, I wouldn't be sitting here agonizing because I lost a cheap plastic water bottle today in school.
Harry got off the train, very confused.
He hadn't seen Ron or Hermione.
In fact, he hadn't seen anyone on the train.
It had been just him on the Hogwarts Express and the trolley lady.
How strange, he reflected.
Hagrid met him at the entrance to the castle after the magical boats rowed him across the lonely Hogwarts lake.
"Harry! Yer' late!" He exclaimed.
"Late for what?" said Harry.
"Late for the permanent summer sleepover that Dumbledore declared." Said Hagrid.
"Huh? Dumbledore's dead!" said Harry, eyes wide with bewilderment.
"You really thought I was dead, Harry? After all the things we went through, you still weren't convinced I was immortal?" said Dumbledore, appearing behind Hagrid.
"But-but-Vol-Voldemort-" stuttered Harry.
"Voldemort? Oh, him!" said Dumbledore, giving an airy wave of his hand. "You mean Morty."
"Morty?"
Voldemort stalked up behind Dumbledore. He was wearing a jaunty party hat that said, HIP HIP HOORAY in big sparkly letters.
He was also wearing a sheepish grin.
"Dory here asked me to attend his permanent summer sleepover." He explained.
"Huh?" said Harry.
"We're pals, Morty, aren't we?" said Dumbledore, and the two of them put their arm over the other's shoulders and started to sing.
"You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pals said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me"
Harry started to slowly back away.
Then Ron ran towards him, shaking a pair of maracas.
"Money for the poor! Money for the poor!" he chanted, and started dancing the tango around him with Hermione, who had chopped off her hair with what looked like a pair of kitchen scissors and was wearing too much black eyeshadow.
Dumbledore, Voldemort and Hagrid stood and threw coins at them.
Harry ran away into the Great Hall, where everyone was having a food fight.
He espied Professor McGonagall's smushing an omelet into Snape's face.
He took his seat in a dark, shadowy corner where he wasn't likely to get hit by any flying food.
Just then Dumbledore stumbled into the Great Hall with Voldemort.
"Well, this is the first day of school. I declare a classless day! Also, there is no teacher supervision anywhere in the castle, so you are free to have as much sex, drugs, or violence as you want."
Cho Chang saw Harry and shrieked, "Everyone attack Harry!"
Everyone in the Hall rushed towards Harry.
Intimidated for a moment by the small army of black cloaks rushing towards him, Harry froze, then started running up to the Griffindor common room.
"Password?" said the Fat Lady, who was reading How to Make Love Like a Porn Star.
"Uh…uh…" said Harry. Behind him, the sound of stampeding animals was growing louder.
"Password?" said the Fat Lady, who was obviously getting annoyed by Harry's interruption and wanted to go back to her book.
"Ah, fuck." Said Harry and bashed the portrait in.
The Fat Lady shrieked and fled, leaving Harry free to get into the common room.
Unfortunately for Harry, this meant that anyone else was free to get into the common room, too.
A refrigerator sitting in front of the fire warming itself sprouted legs and ran away towards the advancing blood hungry students, crushing a luckless few as it went.
Just as Harry was starting to say his last prayer, Ron ran in front of the people and started shaking his maracas.
"Money for the Poor! Money for the Poor!" he said, and all the students gathered around him and sarted throwing dead hamsters.
Harry fled to his familiar four-poster bed upstairs and collapsed.
"You want a good time, honey?" cooed a lavishly made-up Ginny beside him.
"AAAAAAAAARGH!" shrieked Harry. "Not you too Ginny!"
He grabbed her and shook her violently. Evil looking claypost-its started to pour out of her ears.
Harry heaved Ginny into his arms, and threw her out the window.
"Well, that's taken care of." Said Harry, and sat down on his bed.
"What's wrong with Hogwarts?" Harry scratched his head, then suddenly fell back against the sheets, because the trolley lady had drugged him on purpose back in the Hogwarts Express.
How did y'all like it? Flamers are welcome to flame.
If you have any suggestions for a new title, tell me please.
-Sammi