Yuffie and the Homeroom Quest of Gayness

Chapter Five: This egg is your brain

Sorry that updating this story has taken so outrageously long. I'm going to try posting it on my dad's laptop even though the keyboard is impossible to type with.

My Hundred Acre Woods story almost has more reviews than this one…that's kind of sad.

"Will all students please go to the auditorium for a mandatory talk with our returning motivational speaker, MZ."

"MZ? That name be totally trippin'!" Seifer exclaimed standing on top of his desk and making retarded hand motions.

Rinoa sat in the desk behind him and drooling, shamelessly stared at his butt.

Selphie did not notice this mean to be couple though. She was too busy staring at the young man with the long silver hair scribbling on the chalkboard. Who was this man with unnaturally shiny hair that put even Riku's to shame?

And more importantly what kind of conditioner did he use?

"Hello. I am Sephiroth, your new substitute teacher." Everyone squinted at the chalky scribble all over the board, trying to figure out where the Sephiroth was in it.

Selphie was drooling.

The door slammed open and Cloud walked in with a stack of textbooks. "Hey, Mr.Ansem. I have your-"

He stopped. Glared. "Sephiroth."

Sephiroth returned the glare in a much cooler fashion. "Cloud."

The tension was evident in the air.

Selphie squealed inside her head. This totally made up for being dragged to the police station on Saturday!

With a sudden high-pitched battle cry Cloud reached into his freakishly large pants pocket and through his amazing super ferret at the unsuspecting Sephiroth.

"AHHHHHHH! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL SILVER LOCKS!"

"MWAHAHAHAHA! FEEL THE WRATH OF MY AMAZING FERRET!"

"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS STRIIIIFE!"

"AHAHAHA! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY SEPHIROTH! TRY MEEE!"

Unfortunately for Cloud, he did not count on the 5-second obsessions of the great matchmaker Selphie Tilmitt.

"Take this evil ferret tamer!"

"Huh?"

"YAAAAAHHH!" Selphie whipped out her amazing throwing valentines to knock over Cloud and send all twenty textbooks on his head.

"AHHHHHH! I'M…gasp…suffocating." He twitched; stopped moving.

Everyone- including the ferret- stopped to stare at the unconscious (or dead) blonde.

"I'm like totally wiggin' out man!" Xaldin exclaimed.

"Duuude!" Xigbar guffawed. "Aerith's gonna kill youuu!"

Selphie blanched. She had forgotten about Cloud's almost girlfriend. Almost as in she followed the poor blonde around and hugged him to the point of turning blue. Only one girl had ever been stupid enough to ask him out.

Tifa had been receiving threatening letters pinned to her door with poisonous flowers ever since.

"NUUUUUU!" Selphie's final cry died as she jumped through the closed window in a spray of glass shards and cries of pain.

"Uh…shouldn't we be in the auditorium?"

Yuffie could barely keep her eyes open in her auditorium seat. She had been kept up the past two nights with strange and disturbing dreams about kissing that dead fat 6th grader.

She shuddered just thinking about it.

"HELLO STUDENTS!" Their principal, Ansem the Wise (not to be confused with Mr.Ansem), yelled into the microphone around the bar of sea salt ice cream crammed in his mouth. Everyone winced at the high frequency bouncing off the walls.

Ansem the Wise was a very scary person. He had an extremely deep voice and a strange affinity for sea salt ice cream. He also stared at Riku and the girl in Yuffie's art class, Namine, whenever they passed by the main office.

"PLEASE WELCOME OUR MO-TI-" he paused, trying to pronounce the word, "MOTI-VAT-MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER, MZ!"

Only Sora clapped.

A young woman with wavy brown hair and glasses walked out onto the stage. Fast as lightening, she pulled Ansem the Wise's ice cream bar and threw it to the ground.

"Sea salt ice cream sucks and makes you fat!" she exclaimed. "YOU ARE A FAT AND WORTHLESS MAN!"

"WAH! IT'S TRUEEEE!" Their beloved principal ran from the stage crying.

"Go my brotha!" Seifer called from behind Yuffie.

"Oh, Seifer!" Rinoa gushed. "You're so suave!"

Seifer blinked. "Man, what's a suave?"

"I AM NOT A MAN!"

"Yo," MZ said into the mike, flashing the peace sign. "I would just like to say that you are all pathetic and worthless wastes of space."

…

Oooookay.

"Now, I need a volunteer!"

"Ooooh! Me! MEEEEEEEE!" Axel jumped up and down in his seat, waving both his arms wildly in the air.

MZ twitched. "Whatever."

Axel bounded up onto the stage. "The name's Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?"

MZ stared at him blankly. "Right."

She produced an egg from her pocket. "This egg will represent Lexa's brain."

"Actually, it's-"

"Got it? Good."

She waved the egg about wildly as she talked. "This egg is Lexa's brain NOT on drugs."

She threw the egg into Axel's face. "THIS is Lexa's brain on drugs."

Kairi was in awe. This girl was genius!"

Okay, this is pretty short. But, I wanted to post SOMETHING before school started up again. And just so you know, typing with this keyboard took me HOURS!

And yay for MistressZelda's special appearance! (MZ) I hope you enjoyed throwing an egg in Axel's face.