Chapter Three
The latest installment of the fic that I never meant to continue! THIS BABY IS OVER 19 PAGES. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
And yes...this IS where all my spare time goes...
JD's POV
"Dad…I can't go with you," I told him, looking away.
He swallowed hard, suppressing the tears. "JD…your mother loves you very much. You have to know that. We both do."
I ignored the comment, fiddling with my hands. Everything else ached too much to move. My whole body was trapped in this stupid bed, my leg was completely bent up from surgery, my head was pounding. I just didn't want to hear it. I knew it couldn't be true after what she'd said to me.
"That's not it," I pleaded with him, trying not to cry like some little girl. My soul felt torn. How could I go on without Sam? My whole life…I couldn't just…
"I can't do it," I repeated, shaking my head. "I'm not going to…I'm not going to waste my life. Not after this."
"We can try to work it out," he reasoned, fumbling on his words. "I can try to travel less—"
I shook my head again. "It won't work. You need to travel for your job. I hate to say it, but…I'm a burden you can't handle right now."
The room filled with silence. He knew that every word I had spoken was one hundred percent true, and neither of us could change that. Nothing could.
How could Sam do this to me? Leave me here without any other options? I wanted to scream, I was so angry with her. Not only did she die on me, she left me without any choice in the world. What was going to happen to me now?
"Look, JD, I'm sorry this has ended up this way. I…I can't say I ever knew any of you so well…but I'm missing Sam too, okay? Don't forget that."
A bitter laugh curled in my throat, coming out of nowhere. "You didn't even know what she looked like," I accused.
"I…I saw her body," he admitted, tears rising into his eyes again.
I sucked in a breath. "Don't."
He nodded, holding his head in his hands in the chair he sat on. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to come with me. There isn't any other way, JD."
"There has to be. I'm not going to miss high school, I can't. I have to go to college. Don't you get it? My entire life I've been dead set on not…not…"
"Being like me?" my father prompted. "Being a failure?"
"No, that's not it at all," I lied for his benefit. But it was true. He'd abandoned us a long way back, and I didn't forgive him for it like Dan did. Neither did Sam. I needed her now more than ever. She'd tell mom it wasn't my fault. She'd steal the root beer from the cupboard and go to the mall with her giggly friends and be alive.
"Then what?" he asked me.
"I want to have a future. I want to be something more than this. Ever since I was really little, Dan's been great and Sam's been great and then—and then there's me, and I'm just a nerd. A strange little nerd. I can't pretend I don't care, because I do. I want to do something that will make my life worthwhile. I want to help people."
He stood up from his chair. "It's harder than you think," he told me, looking away. "It's not simple. Look at how I ended up."
I didn't say anything.
"Well, kid, what are we going to do?" he finally voiced the thought aloud.
I wracked my brain. I searched every part, trying to find something solid to cling onto, a rope to pull me out of the nightmare.
"I'll live with Aunt Kelly," I finally resorted.
"What?" he scoffed. "That's impossible. She has no idea how to take care of kids."
"Neither do you," I countered harshly.
I really didn't mean it. I'd never been like this, not ever. No, I was always mild-mannered, geeky, naïve little JD. But not this time. Now I had to stand up for myself. This was make it or break it, the difference between being somebody and being nobody.
"Fine. I'll call her. But I'm not guaranteeing anything."
Then he left.
Every time I feel alone
I can blame it on you
And I do, oh
I stared at my hands for a long while after that, listening numbly to the bustle around the hospital. I saw the long, delicate curve of the scar on my right hand and thought back. Sam and I had been about nine years old. She'd dared me to climb up the apple tree in our backyard, and I'd done it, then scratched my hand on a branch and promptly fallen off in surprise at the pain.
Funny thing was, I hadn't been afraid of falling. My mom came rushing out, asking if I was alright, holding up fingers and asking me how many there were—all the drama. But I'd shown her my bleeding hand and she just burst out laughing from relief.
I knew now why I wasn't afraid to fall. Because I knew Sam was at the bottom, and I'd always be safe around her. I trusted her so much that it hurt.
How could I have expected her to betray me like this?
"Hey," a young nurse, looking no older than I was, greeted me, walking into the room. "I'm Carla. I don't think I've met you yet."
I looked up from my hands and forced a smile. "JD," I said, trying not to blush from embarrassment.
"Nice to meet you, kid."
I laughed. "How old are you?"
She cocked an eyebrow. "Twenty. Certainly older than you are, mister."
"You're a kid, too," I reminded her. "How long have you worked here?"
"About a year." She shrugged. "I skipped the college scene, cut straight to the chase and wound up here." Then she sighed, stopping in her tracks. "Well, actually, I didn't have the money. But we get to do the real stuff, anyway. I've saved lives before," she said proudly.
"Cool," I said a little too eagerly. Then I grinned. "I mean, I always wondered what it was like to work in a hospital."
"It's really nice. A little stressful," she mused, "but nice. So what happened to you? Don't mean to be nosy, but being a nurse I kinda think it's my duty."
"Car accident. And you?" I added jokingly.
"Haha," she deadpanned. "How'd it happen?" she asked seriously.
This story was really getting old. I knew it had only been about a day and a half, but I'd told about a million different "nosy" people. Now all I wanted to do was close my eyes and make it go away. It hurt a little bit more with each telling, made it a little more real. I didn't want it to be real. It hadn't hit me yet, and I was glad for that. Sam wasn't gone. She was…
"My twin sister, uh, drove the car off the road. On purpose. On the freeway…at two in the morning." I cleared my throat and stared out the window at the bleary day. "She was suicidal—except she tried to kill both of us. The last thing she did was apologize and then she…pulled the wheel."
The nurse's eyes widened. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry."
"So am I," I admitted. "I keep thinking…well, never mind," I dismissed it, knowing that no matter how many times I wished for it, reality was still solid and unchanging.
"Your twin, huh?" she repeated, biting her lip. "That's just…I can't even imagine."
My fists clenched at the sheets, controlling the urge to yell for all I was worth. "I couldn't imagine it either. We told each other everything. She didn't seem…" I couldn't say it. "My mom doesn't believe me, either."
Carla gasped. "No way."
I nodded, my head hung. "She sent me to live with my Dad, but I can't because he travels too much. So I guess I'm going to my aunt's. Don't even really know her. But I need to finish high school, you know?"
Her eyes looked distant, like she was seeing right through me. "Yeah," she agreed, "you should definitely finish high school. Get as many scholarships as you can. You'll need them," she said softly. "Your mom…I'm sure she's just scared, honey. It'll be okay."
The words sounded so promising, so full of hope. I let them surround me for a moment, envelop me in their safety like a security blanket. I clung to them, needed them…knew I had to let them go.
"My mom," I told her evenly, wondering why the first time I was ever repeating this story was to an absolute stranger, "expected a little girl. That's what the ultrasound said. I was an unwanted shock, actually. And, coincidentally enough, it's always been like that. Dan, my older brother, and Sam—my…my twin sister—they were both perfect." I clutched the sheets harder, feeling my nails dig into the skin of my palms through the thin fabric. "Perfect."
You got me like a loaded gun
Golden sun and sky so blue
We both know that we want it
But we both know that you left me no choice
"JD…I don't think…" she stammered. "Believe me, JD, they aren't perfect. No one is. If you set your mind to something, you can do it."
I rolled my eyes. "I want to be a doctor. My dad's an AWOL traveling office supply salesman and my mom's a florist. And even though I try hard—college courses, all A's, science and math competitions—they think I'm stupid."
"Prove 'em wrong," she said simply, shrugging. "They'll be sorry when you show them what you're made of."
"Thanks," I said sincerely, letting it sink in. I would prove them wrong. Even if it meant three years of Aunt Kelly and grueling work at school to get the money I needed, I would do it.
"I'll do it," I whispered to myself once she had left the room. "For Sam."
Then I started to drift off…and before I knew it, I was asleep for the first time since surgery the day before.
"JD," Sam called out in the distance. "JD, help me. I need you."
I tried to move but I was stuck. "Just hold on, Sam," I yelled back. "You're okay. Just stay where you are."
"I can't, JD! Help me…I—"
"Sam?" I asked frantically. "Sam, answer me! Where are you? What's going on? Sam? Sam!"
She was dead. I let her die. "Sam…"
"…up, kid!"
I woke up in cold sweat, a hand shaking my shoulder. I jolted away in shock and winced as my aching muscles protested in agony.
"You were having a nightmare," the med student from before—Dr. Cox, I guess—informed me.
"What?" I asked dumbly.
"You were freaking out in your sleep," he explained, taking his hand off my shoulder and stepping back. "I thought it would be best to wake you."
"Thanks," I say shakily. "What time is it?"
"About midnight. You alright there?" he asked worriedly.
"I'm fine," I lied. Actually, my head was pounding and my leg was pretty much on fire, but I swallowed it back. Which was worse, nightmares or this?
"You probably need some pain meds," he observed, looking over my chart. "Doesn't that hurt?"
"Y-yeah," I admitted. "A bit. Just thanking my lucky stars that my limbs are still in tact."
"Yeah," the med student agreed, smirking. "I'll got get a 'real' doctor to handle this, seeing as I'm too 'stupid' to pick out the right medicine from storage and give it to patients. Be right back."
"Hey, kid," Carla said, walking in the room. "Your aunt's here. Should I—"
Before she could finish, Aunt Kelly had entered the room. Her presence, as always, was quite striking. Tall, skinny and a straight-haired brunette with prominent facial features, she gave off a cool air that intimidated everyone around her. I hadn't seen her in two or three years, but she was exactly as I remembered her. She was my mom's sister, but they hardly spoke despite Aunt Kelly being a lawyer only thirty minutes from our apartment.
"John," she greeted me sternly.
I crossed my fingers.
(Chaque fois que tu t'en vas)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tout va bien)
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you
"Hi," said, my mouth drying.
"It's been a while," she acknowledged, shifting uncomfortably. "Your father explained the situation to me."
The med student and Carla remained in the room, watching the scene. Unlike my mother, she didn't order them out. She didn't even care—surely, as a lawyer, she was used to bringing up sore spots in public.
She scared me sometimes, though, just because she didn't seem to have any emotions. What was I about to get myself into?
"Yeah," I said stupidly, trying not to look away from her.
"Look. I'm going to be plain and simple with you. If this is really what you want, you can sleep on the couch and eat my food, but that's it, kid. You're on your own for everything else. I'm too busy to take care of some little kid, got it?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I got it," I said, grinning. At least I was safe as far as school went.
She took a deep breath, as if relieved. "Okay, then, I guess I'll pick you up when you're released. But don't make a habit out of it, I'm not your chaperone, you hear?"
Then she left.
The med student whistled. "She's a sweetheart. Kinda reminds me of my mother," he said sarcastically, following her out to get the pain meds.
"You're gonna live with her?" Carla asked in bewilderment.
I shrugged. "Guess so," I answered, hearing her high heels click-clack away in an official, high-ranking manner. I wasn't really thinking about the grand scheme of things. The relief of knowing I had someplace to go was more overwhelming at the moment.
"Perry told me you were overdue for some meds," entered an overly-perky, thirty-something blonde doctor a couple of seconds later. "Here you are."
I accepted the pills, trying not to notice Carla gawking at me. "I can't believe you're gonna put up with that," she said, shaking her head.
"I really don't think she's that bad," I said in her defense, even though I didn't believe it myself. "Besides, I'm not looking for another parent. I'm looking for…for somewhere to go."
"What are you going to do if you're lonely?"
Talk to Sam, I almost voiced automatically. I was never lonely. I had my twin. Then the empty hole of dread replaced my momentary content as reality crashed down again.
"I won't get lonely," I lied.
Then I felt myself drifting off again, sinking into the pillow. Carla sighed. "I hope so, kid," she told me, leaving the room. "I gotta get to some other patients. I'll be back later, though, I promise."
I nodded, then fell asleep.
Sometimes I watch the world go by
I wonder what it is like
To wake up ever single day
Smile on your face
You never tried (You never tried)
A week later I was ready to be released. That week I'd formed a lot of accidental bonds with the staff. The med student, Dr. Cox (he made all the patients call him that for some twisted reason), had ended his week long introduction to the hospital two days before, so the last part of my imprisonment was really boring. When he left he said "I'll see you later, I guess," like we were buddies.
I'd never really had a friend before. I'd miss him.
Carla checked in on me a lot, too. We played Uno and Go Fish and she watched The Simpsons with me a few nights. She even brought in a few other patients and some popcorn one night, then promptly got into huge trouble with some jerk Dr. Kelso.
The week had still been slow. I had a lot of time alone, thinking to myself of what might have been, pondering the reasons why. Why Sam? Why would she want to end everything?
Most importantly, how could I—her twin brother, her chief confidante—not see it coming?
Aunt Kelly came to pick me up that day, looking irritated as she accompanied Carla and the lunky wheelchair I had to be brought out in. Carla had already showed me how to use the crutches, so I was okay on that front. Now I just sort of wished Carla could stay with me.
"Bye, JD," she said at the entrance. She pressed a piece of paper into my palm while my aunt was distracted. "Just in case," she informed me. "Good luck. I'll miss you."
"Thanks for everything," I said sincerely.
She grinned, ruffling the hair that stuck out from the bandage still on my head. "You know what, JD? I think you're the first and only patient to ever thank me. It means a lot."
"You're a great nurse," I told her, hoisting myself up from the wheelchair. "I mean it."
"Don't make me get all wishy-washy," she scolded, swatting me playfully with her stethoscope.
I waved good-bye with a free hand, clutching to the piece of paper in my other. Again, though, I wasn't that sad. I had a feeling I'd see her again.
"We're going to your house so you can pick up your things," Aunt Kelly said curtly, readjusting her make-up expertly without a mirror. "Be as quick as possible, I really don't want to be held up."
I nodded. "Aunt Kelly…" The name sounded foreign and unsuitable, but I continued. "Thank you so much for—"
"I'm not doing anything," she cut me off. "I don't want some grand relationship, okay? I'm really busy. I'm one of the city's top lawyers. I'll just cut to the chase and say I have absolutely no time to waste on you. You do what you want. I don't care where you are, you don't have to call me to tell me you're at some party, you don't have a curfew. I. Don't. Care."
"Right," I mumbled, sinking into the seat a little bit. We remained silent until we pulled up to the apartment lot. Stumbling to the elevator on the crutches, my stomach started to flutter uncontrollably. I was scared to see my mother again. I was scared of rejection.
Dan answered the door. "Johnny…" he greeted me somberly, serious for the first time in his life. "It's good to see you," he said, hugging me.
I didn't think my brother had ever hugged me before in my memory, but now we had this connection, this burden, that linked us more than ever before.
"It's good to see you, too," I agreed, attempting to hug him back through the crutches on my side.
"You don't have to go," he nearly pleaded with me. "I know…I know it seems like I don't care sometimes, but I'll really miss you if you…"
"I know, Dan. And you know I care about you, too. I mean, you're my only brother…" My only sibling, I reminded myself. "But Mom doesn't want me. She thinks it's my fault," I whispered, staring at the worn, brown carpet.
"It's not," Dan enforced, his teeth grit. He relaxed a bit. "Look. Let me help you get your things. It might be a little…" He gestured to the cast taking up more than half my leg.
"Yeah." We walked in an uncomfortable silence to the room Sam and I used to share, still messy and disorganized as always. Her CDs and videos cluttered the floor, her clothes were laid out for the next day—the day that never came for her. Why would she lay them out? I wondered.
"I got a couple of paper bags for your clothes," Dan told me, pointing to the pile of them. "Thought it might be easier than a suitcase."
"Dan," I interrupted, "don't you…don't you wonder why? I mean, about Sam. She didn't…I mean, she was Sam. It wouldn't be like her."
Dan sighed, sitting down on my bed. Well, it wasn't my bed anymore. A pang went through me.
"Johnny, I…" Dan trailed off. Suddenly his eyes filled with tears, his face screwed up in agony. "I hate that this is happening. I hate that you're the one leaving." He buried his head in his hands, body wracking with sobs.
I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. Our whole lives we'd been pretty distant from each other, pretended we weren't related, done all the things brothers tended to do. Or so we thought. I couldn't believe he was crying—Dan, the senior in high school, the star quarterback.
"Dan…" I nearly croaked, trying not to cry myself. "I can visit. Maybe I'll drop by at our school sometime. It's not like I'm leaving, too."
"No…you don't get it!" Dan yelled, throwing a fist down at the mattress. I flinched. If he went crazy, I'd be trapped in this room without any chance of escape.
"Dan…we both cared about her a lot…."
His eyes flashed dangerously. "But did you kill her?"
We both know
We can't change it
But we both know
We'll just have to face it
His voice punctured the air like a knife. I nearly fell on top of Sam's bed, trying to sit down.
"Dan, you had nothing to do with it. I was the one who couldn't stop her," I reminded him.
"No," he denied quietly. His volume raised steadily to a tortured shout as he exclaimed, "You had nothing to do with it, Johnny. You're…you had no idea, you're just too naïve. Why do you think Mom didn't want an autopsy?" he cried. "Why do you think?"
I felt myself shaking. "I didn't know about that," I confessed weakly.
I heard something crash at the open doorway. Our mother stood there, groceries now strewn about the hallway, her mouth wide open. "Shut up," she hissed at Dan. "You just shut UP."
"No!" he screamed at her. "You can't do this to him when you KNEW Sam was using. You KNEW, damn it!"
"Using?" I asked desperately, trying to make sense of it. "Using what?"
"You spiteful, ungrateful bastard—" our mom spat out.
"Drugs, Johnny! Our sister was using drugs! And guess who gave them to her?"
Our mother lunged at him, trying to knock him to the floor, but he easily stood his ground. "SHE gave them to her. Just like you've always given them to me, right, Mom?" He laughed bitterly, insanely. "Her mind was completely cracked up on drugs! You were just left out of her little circle, but don't you fret, kid, cuz now you're the lucky one."
"What?" I whispered. My heart pounded wildly in my head. I could hardly think. I felt bile rising in my throat from disgust, but the feeling passed. My hands shook uncontrollably and the crutches dropped to the ground with a clatter.
Our mother sat on the ground, sobbing pathetically. "It's not true. I didn't kill her. I didn't kill my baby—it's his fault!"
The room spun. Everything felt intense and out of proportion. I couldn't respond to the terrible, cruel scene unfurling in front of me.
"I just made her happy," she wailed. "All I wanted was for you two to be happy. I didn't think…"
"You didn't think at all!" I finally bellowed, finding my voice. "You did something wrong, something horrible, and then you couldn't even own up to it! You blamed ME and kicked me out! Why? Why did you do it?"
"You don't understand!" she shrieked at me. "You didn't need the drugs!"
"NEITHER DID SHE!" I shot back. "Neither did Dan! YOU needed them!" I gasped for air, suddenly out of breath. "And then you tried to ruin me. How can you live with that? Are we…are we even related?"
"Johnny…you are," Dan assured me.
"Then why," I said hoarsely, my voice cracking, "did you abandon me? Why, my whole life, haven't you ever loved me?"
She didn't answer, shielding her face from both of us.
"I'm glad you kicked me out," I finally expressed, stumbling to my feet. Pain skyrocketed through my leg from the improper support, but I quickly regained balance on the crutches. "You can keep my stuff. I don't need it. Keep all of Sam's things, too. Let them be a reminder," I snapped angrily, feeling my face burn with betrayal.
"Johnny—" Dan called after me, pained and pleading. "Don't go!"
"I've been gone for a long time," I choked. "Good-bye, Dan." I turned to the heap on the floor and said, "I won't miss this place. Not one bit. I don't want to hear from you again."
"JD, you get back here," my mother threatened me.
"Oh, yeah? For what reason?" I demanded.
"You can't do this! You can't leave!"
"Newsflash—you threw me out. I won't forget that. In fact, I've been waiting for this day ever since I can remember. So you don't tell me what to do anymore."
I walked out the front door to the sound of her crazed wails, rode down the elevator and stumbled back to the car. Aunt Kelly still waited, eyebrows raised at my lack of possessions.
"Ready?" she asked impatiently.
"More than you know," I said sincerely. The engine revved up and we drove out of the lot.
I didn't look back.
The drive would be about an hour long. After a few minutes of distancing ourselves from the apartment, I asked, "Aunt Kelly…what was Mom like as a kid?"
She frowned. "I thought we were clear on you not bothering me," she snapped.
I bit my lip. "Yeah. I'm sorry."
The stretch of highway continued for quite a while before she finally broke the silence.
"You want the truth, kid?" she finally gave in.
I nodded. "Please."
She sighed, her eyes focused on the road but full of…emotion. I couldn't pinpoint it, but she was human to me then. I felt safer knowing she could feel. No one was invincible.
"Your mom was addicted to drugs," she admitted carefully, still looking away from me. "Every kind of drug, all through high school. Our parents didn't care. I did, and she lashed out at me the night before I left for college. I never went back after that. Your father, he called me a few times while he was first dating her. At first I ignored him."
"But then?" I prompted at her silence.
"But then I paid attention when he started talking about her using. He said he was going to help her change. I didn't believe it, but…he did change her. I lost contact. I was invited to the wedding, though. Your mom was twenty, couldn't even drink legally yet. I didn't hear from him till two months after you and your sister were born. She started using again, but he stayed with her until she finally cast him out, too."
"You…you've been talking to my father, then?"
"Yes. I have been. I know a lot about you kids, actually, but I've never wanted to be a part of it."
"But now you are."
She pursed her lips. "Now I am," she agreed.
"My brother said he and mom and Sam were using," I choked. "It's why she veered our car off the road."
"You didn't do anything wrong," she told me curtly, straightening in her seat as if the words of assurance pained her to say. "Really, kid," she added to make up for it.
I nodded. It didn't bring her back, though.
(Chaque fois que tu t'en vas)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tout va bien)
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you
A few months later things started to look up. I took two jobs up at the mini mart and an orthodontist's office. I joined another science club and brought us to nationals, but I never got to see Elliot again. At my new school I made a lot of friends. My father and I reconnected and he came to visit whenever he could, and I visited Dan every week or two. I saw my mom once at the grocery store. We didn't speak.
And living with Aunt Kelly wasn't so bad, either. We got into this unspoken ritual of watching pathetic sitcoms at two in the morning when we couldn't sleep. She had said in the beginning that she didn't care what I did, but as time went by I noticed that she would stay up at home until I got back from a track meet. I guess I didn't mention that. I got into sports now that I wasn't so embarrassed, and I've got the second fastest mile time in the school.
And I got a little bit out of everything. My job at the mini mart forced me to speak with people and I was finally able to trust myself to hold a casual conversation. I made friends with the other kids working there, too. And I learned a lot about responsibility from Dr. Reynolds, the orthodontist I helped out by filing. He looked out for me, too. I also managed to save a good amount of money for college.
The science competitions at the new school I went to were different. I wasn't ridiculed. I was practically a hero. And for the first time in my life, holding that gigantic trophy in my hands, I realized that being a nerd was actually a good thing. I made more friends there, and suddenly I was as successful as my siblings had been.
My father and I grew a lot closer, now that I knew more about the divorce. I realized that he had done what he could. We understood each other, and althought I was glad I hadn't decided to travel with him I was even happier that we'd managed to get to know each other. It proved to me that I wasn't a mistake.
Same went for my brother, Dan. His friends stopped beating the crap out of me (he said it was because he stopped them, but I wonder if it's because I'm almost six feet tall now). He's stopped using and moved out of my mom's place now that's he eighteen. Sometimes he even travels with Dad.
Track was great, too. It felt great to run and stomp everything out of your system. It was easy, too. No planning or evading people from the opposite team, just running like crazy. It was virtually foolproof!
Unless, of course, you were me…but I only slipped on a towel ONCE, and it was totally not my fault. I think.
Anyway.
Moving in with Aunt Kelly was probably the smartest decision I ever made in my life, looking back on it. I had no regrets. She wasn't as scary as I'd thought. Life was great.
Except those times—and there was really no way to avoid them—when I'd stay awake and think about Sam. Would she have liked my new school, my new friends, my new hobbies? How different would my life have been without the drugs? Would we still be as close as we had been all of our lives?
The moments eventually pass, though, and I moved on. The good thing was that all my new friends had no idea about the accident. We never really talked about it in the family, either, and that relieved me. I wouldn't have much to say. It all kind of spurted out in the beginning, anyway.
I did end up calling Carla, but only once. It was two or three weeks after I'd left the hospital, and we talked on the phone for about an hour while I pretended nothing was wrong. Truth was, I was petrified. My aunt had gone on a business trip for a week and by the third day I was jumping at every squeak in the apartment. We hadn't quite yet warmed up to each other, but there was nothing more frightening than being completely alone.
She obviously knew something was irking me, though, because she said all the right things and I knew I'd be safe.
Which led to high school graduation. I took a picture of Sam and held it in my palm as I accepted the diploma. National honors society, three varsity letters, school president and three-time science competition champ. Getting into college was a breeze. Life was great.
"I'm proud of you," my aunt told me once the crowd had dispersed. My father patted me on the back, grinning, and Dan punched my shoulder playfully.
I was going to college. It all seemed so surreal.
I was going to be a doctor.
And the past, thankfully, was completely left behind me.
If only I could give you up
But would I want to let you off this soapbox, baby?
We both know
That we want it
But we both know you left me no choice
Present Day: Carla's POV
I neaten up the nurse's station, only vaguely aware of what I'm doing. This shift never seems to end! Turk's in surgery and I'm beyond desperate to see him. Stupid bypass patient.
Okay, okay, not funny. But that's what I'm thinking as I stack the organized patient charts into a neat pile.
"Carla," Dr. Cox greets me, saluting and gesturing towards the pile. "Room 219."
"What?" I prompt him, grinning. "No clever insult for me?
He rolls his eyes. "Your hair looks quite horrendous today. Happy?"
I give him a sarcastic little smirk. "You have no idea," I deadpan.
I hand him the chart, but he doesn't leave. For a moment or two he stands at the counter dividing us and stares at his shoes. A couple of seconds pass like this, people walking by, not even noticing.
"Something wrong?" I ask him.
"Hey, Dr. Cox," JD interrupts. "I was wondering about—"
"I like the pink one, it matches your eyes," Dr. Cox answers.
"—the test results for Mr. Borbin," he continues, unfazed by the older man's latest comment.
"Why do you care, Shirley?"
JD shrugs. "Just wondering."
"No leukemia," Dr. Cox says, "now scram and deal with your own patients, would you? Geez, this isn't a newbie-babysitting-service over here."
JD nods and heads out, but not before mouthing, "What's his problem?" to me behind Dr. Cox's back.
"I know what you're doing, Newbie, it's been done before," Dr. Cox drawls.
JD twitches and makes a break for it. I giggle. "Interns," I sigh in amusement. "Gotta love 'em."
I wait for him to make a remark about Turk, but it doesn't happen. Now I'm lost.
"Carla," Perry says to me in a voice so low and quiet that I can barely hear it, "Think back. Ten years ago."
"What?" I ask, confused.
"The kid in the accident…who's mom kicked him out."
"Oh, you mean JD?" I ask, nodding. At his shocked expression I laugh. "What, it took you all this time to remember? Holy crap, I took one look at him and knew!"
"Keep it down," he warns. "Yeah, I just figured it out. Why didn't you bring it up? I mean, it would seem a little significant to me if the intern stalking me happened to be a kid that pretty much bawled in front of us when we first started here!"
"You were a med student," I remind him, "and Bambi did not 'bawl his eyes out,' if I recall. Not here, at least."
"Oh, you missed the visit from his mom. Blamed him."
"Because she gave the twin drugs that led her to drive into that wall," I explain.
"What?"
"Oh. He told me that over the phone later." I bite my lip. "Didn't mention that part, did I?"
"No. No, you didn't. Well, that's complicated." He sighs. "Well, does Newbie even know? I mean, even Barbie remembers."
I frown. "Elliot? How was she…?"
"Ha! I got something on you," he says proudly. "Dr. Barbie was on a high school field trip and friends with Candy while he was being treated. I, er, 'mentored' her, slightly illegally. Good kid. Freaky adult." I shudder.
I smack at him. "Be nice." Then I look around the hall to make sure no one's listening. "No, JD has no idea, and I'm not about to remind him. He's obviously blocked it all out of his head, and he's happy. He only called me once after he left—he went to live with his aunt and I think things went a lot better there, even though he was a bit freaked out at the time."
He sighs. "I can't even look at him now, knowing what happened."
"How does this change anything?" I ask. "Why can't you just act like you normally do?"
"Because…" he struggles to find words. "Because now I know too much about him," he finally blurts. "I try harder than anyone else does to distance myself from them and now I know exactly who Newbie is and that's just plain wrong."
"Just pretend you never found out," I try to help. "I mean, that's what I did right from the start. At first I was a little shocked, but I got over it fast. I always knew I'd see him here again. He told me he wanted to be a doctor. In fact, I expected it."
"I didn't think he'd end up here," he says, running a hand through his hair.
"Perry…" I trail off. "Maybe this will serve as a lesson to you. Distancing yourself doesn't make things any easier. I'm sure the interns would respect you if you were open with them a bit more." Then I throw my head back. "This is so incredibly absurd. You, me, Elliot and JD."
"What?" asks JD, walking up. "I heard my name."
"Newbie, what the hell are you doing back already? Is your attention span really that short?" he ridicules, rolling his eyes at the intern.
JD's eyes flit back. "The janitor," he whispers.
"Riiiiight," Dr. Cox draws out. "So, Newbie, how would me being more 'open' with the interns affect you?" he asks JD conversationally, shooting me a phony grin.
"Uh…I might be a little freaked," JD admits. "But good for you, Dr. Cox. I'm just gonna go—"
The janitor comes running down the hall with a mop. JD ducks.
"WHERE IS HE?"
I point down the hall and he nods in appreciation, running. "Safe," I say to JD once he's gone.
"—check on my patients, then. Until tomorrow," he salutes us, rushing off.
I check my watch. 11:59 at night.
"Damn it, that kid pops up everywhere!"
"…we work in the same hospital," I remind him.
"I can't believe I didn't make the connection. I mean, he actually—" he bursts out laughing. "He actually impacted my life more than anyone. He scared the shit out of me, that kid. Tested my limits on my very first day."
"Gee, wonder where I've seen people do THAT before," I mutter.
He ignores me, fiddling with his pen. The beeps of the monitors, the paddle of feet on the ground, the snores of the patients already asleep—everything muzzles together as we stand here. Elliot walks up solemnly, placing a chart on the counter and nodding at me.
"She knows," Dr. Cox tells her.
Elliot's head jerks up at him in alarm. Then she realizes he is, in fact, talking to her, and after another moment she makes the connected. Her mouth forms a small "o" and she looks over at me.
"You too, huh?"
"Yup."
A series of beeps pulls us out of our trance. "Damn it, someone's coding," Dr. Cox curses, running out. Elliot follows right behind him.
I follow the scene with my eyes. They're headed towards…towards JD's patient. The girl in the car accident.
Oh, no.
(Chaque fois que tu t'en vas)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tout va bien)
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you
And...that's my update! I'll probably update again. Proooooooobably.
I CANNOT BELIEEEEEEEEEEVE KIM IS PREGNANT! WRONG MUCH? What if it isn't his baby! I hope it is. Otherwise his heart shall be broken. But, I mean, would you really KNOW if you were pregnant after only two weeks? And how would that explain her avoiding him for that long? She couldn't have known right away, which makes me think it's not his baby. Or maybe it is and I'm speculating. OMG, JD'S GONNA BE A DADDYYYYYYYYY!
Ahhh, so many pregnancies in an hour. Lol. :D :D :D