Citizens Shocked! Bean Man Not Who He Seems?
By Neil Titzzle

Edgar van Rippo (age 40) was arrested at five o'clock in the afternoon on March 22. The aforementioned man, who made a living out of selling supposed "magic beans" was accused of being a lying cheapskate and, overall, a burden to society.

"I'm not even kidding you," said Link (age 10), the young boy who reported this strange man. "I mean, yeah, I found it odd that his prices kept going up every time I bought a bean from him, but I didn't expect the beans to grow into giant and murderous stocks in sev-... days. Seven days."

Rippo, better known as "The Bean Man", was brought into Hyrule Square to be flogged, tortured, and brutally stoned by thousands of jeering peers. Had Link not reported him to authorities, who knows how many other people he could've ripped off/brutally maimed?

"So I planted one of his beans, right?" asks Link.

"Yes," responded our reporter.

"Well, in seven ye-... days, the bean grew up into this giant pad of some sort. I stepped on it (I mean... who wouldn't?) and to my large surprise, the thing shot up into the air and started zooming around! I'm not even kidding you!"

Apparently, when Link stepped onto this strange plant, it zoomed around so fast that he had to duck and grab on to the edges of the leaf just to keep from getting blown off. To add to his sense of shock, the bean ran him into a flock of Guay (big, bad, malicious, and overall annoying little birds that eat corn and poo on window sills), which maliciously beat the snot out of poor young Link. Link, who was miles above Lake Hylia, fell off of the pod and landed on the water on his back, causing a very large pain to sear through his fragile body.

Link was very lucky to be saved by the young Zora princess named Ruto, who just so happened to be swimming in the lake's warm waters.

"I'm lucky to have been there," reported the princess (age 9). "There I was, swimming along, when all of the sudden, Link drops out of the sky and gives a back flop that could've shattered the spine of a cow. He slowly began to sink, but I grabbed hold of him and swam him to shore. There, I proceeded in giving him the breath of life."

"The woman gave me ichthyosis," said Link, a bothered look on his face.

(Ichthyosis, according to Dr. SuchnSuch, is a rare stomach disease given only to humans who have swallowed Zora saliva. Symptoms include vomiting, diarrhea, andkooky dreams.)

Link, after recovering from his external injuries and a case of seriously annoying ichthyosis, proceeded in filing a lawsuit against Rippo. The trial was held on Tuesday, March 28, in the Hyrule Courthouse. Princess Zelda (age 10), the judge of the Hyrule Courthouse, sentenced Rippo to pay Link 500 rupees in cash and to perform 7 hours of community service. Rippo, who was sweating profusely, loudly exclaimed that he would not see to the sentence. He was later dragged off to prison.

Many of Rippo's fans did not agree with this punishment.

"I don't see why Link had to file a lawsuit against Mr. Rippo," explained Angela (age 23), self-proclaimed as Rippo's "number one buyer". "Seriously. I've heard less bull come out of Kaepora Gaebora."

Rippo, who was sentenced to nine days in prison and was ordered to agree to his sentence, was later arrested (in prison) for public exposure.

"It dawned on us that Mr. Rippo had not been wearing a shirt in the courthouse," explained Charlie, captain of the Hyrule Squadron of Absolute Nothingness. "Such indecent exposure was an insult to the princess, ourselves, and Hyrule."

Angela did not agree with this statement either.

"Oh please," scoffed the woman as she was questioned about her thoughts. "This is nothing more than a way to get Rippo to pay money and time to the country of Hyrule. He's done nothing wrong."

The second trial is to be held on Thursday, March 30, where Rippo has already been ordered to wear a shirt. Princess Zelda gladly urges parents to bring the kids.

"With the Hyrule Court system, kids can learn what it's like to work for the Hylian justice system," explained the princess. "Hopefully, kids can also learn not to become people like Rippo."

Copyright March Hylian Times