Tangles
A Babylon 5 fanfic by Aris Merquoni
Written for the Babylon 5 Friendship Ficathon.
Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all associated characters and places belong to J. Michael Straczynski. I lay no claim on either the characters contained herein and wouldn't ask for anything if the ideas were used anywhere. Hey, it's a favor for a friend.
Contains information from Kathryn Drennan's book To Dream in the City of Sorrows, but no spoilers. However, this does contain spoilers for episodes through Sleeping in Light.
She didn't know why she'd accepted Delenn's offer.
Her aide, Christi, was the first person to echo her own thoughts. "Are you crazy?" the younger woman asked when Susan told her about her resignation.
"Maybe I am."
"I mean, not that you're not qualified, but you're moving to Minbar. And you'll honk off half of Earthforce. Why are you doing this?"
The first answer that came to mind seemed to calm her. "An old friend asked me to."
"All right," Christi said reluctantly. "But the Joint Chiefs won't like it."
"They can stuff it," Susan said, and closed the link.
The Minbari had rituals for everything, and initiating a new Ranger One was a moment of special importance.
"At least I don't have to do the full ceremony for becoming Entil'zha," Susan remarked after reading through the various rituals. "I don't think I'd want to try even a sip of that death destroying stuff."
"Death destroyer," Delenn corrected her. "Sha'neyat. And yes. It nearly killed Jeffrey Sinclair when he tasted it."
Susan felt a pang. Jeff...
"I miss him, Susan," Delenn said softly.
Susan couldn't tell if she meant Jeff, or John. "I miss him, too," she said, and couldn't tell herself who she meant. Maybe it didn't matter.
The day of the ceremony dawned. It was cold, crisp. The breath of spring was on the wind, as yet unrealized. It was an apt metaphor, Susan thought, as she stared at her mirror and took a deep breath. She hadn't started dressing in the formal robes she was expected to wear. She looked at her reflection and realized she still wanted an answer. 'Why am I doing this?'
There wasn't an answer in her eyes, so she closed them.
"Susan?"
Delenn, behind and beside her. She had the right to be concerned, or impatient, but her face showed nothing of it. "I'm sorry," Susan apologized anyway. "I'm not ready yet."
"All in good time," Delenn said.
Delenn found another chair and pulled it close, so she could sit beside Susan. "I have learned," Delenn continued, "only this of change. It comes, and we are never fully prepared for it."
"I don't--I don't know why I'm doing this, Delenn," she said. "I mean... I wasn't ever a Ranger. How can I expect to be Ranger One?"
Delenn smiled slightly. "Neither John nor I were Rangers when we were handed that responsibility." She blinked, suddenly, then said, "To lead takes only the willingness to serve."
"Well, I didn't stay in Earthforce because of the pay," she joked. She couldn't keep the feeling up. "I just... I don't want to let them down. Their memories."
John. Jeff. Lennier. Marcus.
Delenn reached up to touch her shoulder. Susan closed her eyes again. Without wanting to, she saw their faces. She couldn't read their expressions. Except Marcus... she could always read Marcus, she realized, she had just never wanted to admit what she'd seen. He was laughing at her.
'This isn't funny,' she thought at his memory.
'Yes it is,' he said, and jerked his head at the memory of the others. 'They all think you're brilliant for the job, you know. You just have to remember that letting go of Earthforce never meant letting go of who you are.'
A gentle tugging on her hair startled her back to alertness. Delenn had her hairbrush, and was putting it to use.
Susan was mortified. "Delenn, you don't have to--"
"Shh, you did this for me once, do you remember?" She was smiling. "I am merely returning a much-overdue favor. And it is a particularly relaxing human ritual."
She tried laughing to cover her embarrassment. "I wouldn't exactly call it a ritual."
"One hundred strokes, is that not the number?"
"... Yes." She tried to relax. "But you're allowed to stop earlier if you have short hair."
"When the task is completed, then."
"Exactly."
Delenn's brushing was rhythmic, gentle. "I have often found, with hair," she commented, "that it is pleasant just to brush it out, even when it is not particularly necessary. It is relaxing, and somehow fulfilling."
"I agree."
"So even when the task is completed, sometimes it is good to continue for a while longer."
"I think that's what I've been doing," Susan said, ignoring the metaphor and concentrating on the real issue. "Just... continuing."
"You are not having second thoughts..."
"No. I'd do it for John's memory if nothing else. But..."
Delenn set the brush down. "He often spoke to me, of how proud he was of you," she said softly. "For returning to Earthforce, for making your way through the ranks. For achieving greatness where he could no longer."
The sharp pang of relief, of sadness, distracted her. It wasn't until she saw Delenn put her hands to her mouth that Susan realized they were both crying. "Oh, Delenn..."
"I miss him, Susan."
Susan reached out for her. Delenn's crest was cold on her cheek, but she didn't mind. She tried to sniff away her own tears. "I miss him, too."
Oh, she knew why she'd accepted this, of course. It wasn't just for John, and for Delenn. It was because she needed this, because the Rangers were building something greater than she could ever hope to achieve in Earthforce. She had just never faced why she was scared.
"I felt like I was abandoning you both when I went back," she choked out, surprised by the thickness in her throat.
"No, Susan. Never."
"Well, I was," she argued.
"There is much grief in the universe we carry without needing to," Delenn said as she pulled back slightly. "John and I worried that we had driven you away by not offering our counsel with your troubles."
Susan stared. "I... Delenn... no. No, that's not... no. Not at all. I left."
"Yes," Delenn agreed. "But we should have been there for you anyway."
She couldn't help but keep staring as Delenn smiled, sadly. "Come," her friend finally said. "We must forgive ourselves trespasses against each other and move on. Or you will be late for your own ceremony."
"We can't have that."
The uniform fit perfectly. The last time she'd seen it on anyone had been on John. She stood before her mirror, after the ceremony, taking in her reflection.
"You will lead them well," Delenn said from the doorway.
"I'll start with trying to serve them well," Susan said. "Then maybe that will be true."
Delenn stepped forward to stand beside her. "Thank you, Susan."
"Thank you," she replied.
"All the arrangements are finalized," Delenn said, "Rathenn, Durhan, and Turval will report when you are ready."
"Tell them I'll be just a few minutes," Susan said.
Delenn bowed gently. Susan returned the gesture, turned back to the mirror when Delenn had gone.
"All right," she said. The questions behind her eyes were gone, at least for now. "Let's get this started."