Now or Never Chapter 15: Camp Songs and Crimson Faces, an artemis fowl fanfic

The first thing I have to say is that I can't believe I'm done with another chapter so fast! Yay! (Edit: Was done with the CHAPTER fast, but the disclaimer and posting…well.)

The second thing is that I chickened out on doing the last chapter in the story…sorry. I can almost guarantee that the next chapter will be the last, however, apart from a possible epilogue.

Okay, technically I didn't chicken out, but…see…okay, here's how I happen to be writing this instead of the last, melodramatic, climax-chapter…

Well, I was trying to figure out how to use the first part of that chapter, because I had to save the good part for last and I wanted to make a longer chapter since it's the last. So I thought, and asked my brother for ideas, and considered the idea he gave me, and discarded it as being too hard (a free-for-all wrestling match? Fun, and probably hilarious, but I can't write fights that well). After that, I thought some more, discarded another few ideas that I thought of, and then I remembered a couple times when friends and I had planned a fic that somehow involved a camp song. (With one of the songs in here—you'll probably know which it is when you see it—I looked at one friend, made the sign for Artemis (yes, we have an ASL—Artemis Sign Language. Got a problem with that? I made it up mostly with people in my choir so that we would be able to communicate without talking when we were 'on a silence'), and we both started laughing. It was too perfect!) Anywho…so I decided to combine all these fic-ideas into one, and why not put it here? Except this chapter got so long that I just decided to put ALL my favorites in here and make this a separate chapter.

Soooo…now that that's over with…

Disclaimer: I wonder if I can actually get one of these done without characters from other books and stuff barging in and—

Aly: Hi!

Nawat: Hi!

Me: Hey, it's Crow-Man! COOL!

Guy Who Used to Go to My School Who Looks Like Butler (BTW, there's a cool story behind this; I see him one day in the cafeteria and I look at him and shriek, and my friend (who for some bizarre reason doesn't like AF) is like, 'What?', and I'm like, 'Nothing,' and then later I'm like, 'AAAAHHH!!! It's Butler as a kid! Artemis Fowl is coming true, just later than we expected, and Eoin Colfer is psychic!'): (grunts)

Me: Hey! It's Butler-Dude! Why is he here? (realizes) Wait a minute! You people aren't supposed to be in here!

Nawat: Aly, would you like a grub? I caught it just for you.

Aly: Uhh, no thanks. I don't like grubs.

Grub: That's not nice!

Trouble: Be quiet, Grub!

Nawat: No, this is the grub! (holds up bug)

Trouble: Um, yeah…his NAME is Grub.

Aly: Why?

Trouble: (shrugs) For the same reason as my name is Trouble, I guess.

Grub: Why is he calling a bug my name?

Trouble: No, no. You are GRUB. That is A grub.

Grub: You mean I'm named after a bug?

Trouble: …you didn't know that?

Grub: No.

Trouble: O.o

Alanna: (is still laughing at the thought of Numair and Niko being brothers)

Daine and Lark: (are knocked down by a flying Briar, followed by Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry)

Briar: ROSETHORN!!! HELLLPPPP!!!

Artemis, Will, Legolas, Numair, and Harry: YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!

Numair: YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY—Daine! (rushes over) Are you all right?

Niko: (simultaneously) Lark! Are you all right?

Briar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! ROSETHORN!!!!

Artemis, Will, Legolas, and Harry: YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!

Nawat: That is silly. When we have nestlings, we will teach them to behave better.

Aly: (sigh) He just doesn't get it.

Aelish: (cackles) I think he gets it better than you do!

Me: For once, I agree with her.

Aly: Who are you?

Me: I'm the Almighty Authoress of this fic. Bow down to me!

Aly: Whatever.

Me: Drat. Why does that never work?

Nawat: Ooh, what's this? (finds spell that will miraculously bring fangirls back to life)

Aly: Don't touch th—

Nawat: (accidentally activates spell)

Aly: —at.

Screaming fangirls: NAWAT!!!

Nawat: (is buried in screaming fangirls) Oof.

Aly: Hey! Stop that! Quit it!

Nawat: …

Aly: WHATEVER YOU DO, NAWAT, DON'T TRY TO PREEN ANY OF THEM!!! (dives into pile)

Me: This is…amusing. (conveniently ignores the fact that none of these people are supposed to be in the fic)

Briar: ROSETHORN!!! HELLLLLPPPPP!!!

Rosethorn: Crane, go fix it.

Crane: Yes, dear. (wanders off in direction of Briar's voice)

Vader: (comes in talking animatedly to Voldemort) …and, seriously, Voldy, it was, like, totally awesome!

Voldemort: Cool! (looks calculating) You know, we really should lose the all-black look. It's, like, SO two hours ago.

Vader: You're right! Time for another trip to the mall!

(They start to walk off and bump into Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who are coming in.)

Harry: Stand and fight, coward! You killed my parents!

Vader: It's father!

Voldemort: Whoa, chill! Who are all of you?

Vader: (continues) …I think.

Harry: Don't play the idiot, Voldemort!

Ron and Hermione: Yeah!

Harry: We know you recognize us!

Ron and Hermione: Yeah!

Harry: And we're not afraid to fight you, even if it means being killed!

Hermione: Yeah!

Ron: Y—wait a second. No one said anything about being killed…

Hermione: (makes puppy-dog eyes) Pwease, Ronny-poo?

Ron: …all right.

Harry: (gags)

Voldemort: Whatevs. Anywho, I'm going to the mall. (walks off, followed by Vader)

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: (stare after them)

Kel: (is still running around frantically, sure that Malfoy is Joren, back from the dead)

Dom: Kel? Are you okay?

Kel: (gasp) DOM!! SAVE ME!!! (runs over and hides her face in his chest, looking very much like a cheesy movie, except weirder because she's as tall as him)

Dom: Uhhh…save you from what?

Kel: JOREN!!!

Dom: Joren's dead.

Kel: NOT ANYMORE!!!

Dom: So…what does that make him? Undead?

Kel: I don't know, but he can walk! And talk! And…and…

Harry: Hey! It's the cool guy again! (hugs Monk)

Ron and Hermione: Yeah! (hug Monk too)

Monk: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! NATALIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!

Natalie: (in monotone) Please get off of Mr. Monk. You are giving him deadly diseases.

Malfoy: Oh, look, it's the extremely uncool guy again.

Kel: SEE?!

Dom: Um. Yeah. Hey, person with blond hair, what's your name?

Malfoy: You dare speak to a Malfoy like that?

Harry: His name's Draco Malfoy.

Kel: NO, IT'S NOT!!! IT'S JOREN, AND HE'S EVIL!!! DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU!!!

Harry: Well, Malfoy is evil…

Kel: EXACTLY!!!

Harry: So Malfoy is this Joren you're talking about?

Kel: Yes! And he's back from the dead!

Harry: I thought Dumbledore said you can't raise the dead…unless…he's an Infim—uhh, Infoo…um…a dead body controlled by magic!

Frodo: Like in the Dead Swamp?

Harry: The what?

Foaly: Come back here, thief!

Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)

Foaly: (runs after Frodo)

Sam: (runs after Foaly) No one chases Mr. Frodo but ME!

Maree: I will never understand why they were so different in the books.

Nick: (shrug)

Count Olaf: (now disguised as a 'classic' Holmes, with tweed cape, etc.) It's high school, my dear Watson!

Maree: That's 'elementary.'

Russell: El-elementary! WAHAHAAAA!!!

Holmes: Oh dear.

Russell: (becomes hysterical)

Holmes: I never thought I'd live to see the day. WATSON!!! I NEED HELP IN HERE! RUSSELL IS HYSTERICAL!!!

Watson: (from somewhere in the distance) HA, HA!! VERY FUNNY, HOLMES!!

Holmes: NO, IT'S TRUE!!! LISTEN!!! (bends down to Russell, whispers) Elementary.

Russell: (shrieks with laughter)

Watson: OH. UMMM…COMING!!! (comes in) Oh, dear. Mary… (begins trying to calm her)

Peter: (sings) Siiiiilent niiiiiiight, hooooolllyyy niiiiiight…

Harriet: Um, Peter…

Peter: Hm?

Harriet: It's the middle of March.

Peter: So?

Harriet: So, it's not Christmas!

Peter: Piffle. I feel like Christmas carols.

Harriet: (shrugs and sings with him)

Howl: Why are you singing Christmas songs?

Peter: Because.

Sophie: Howl? Where are you?

Fangirls: (look at Howl) Who are you?

Sophie: He's Howl, and you're not to touch him!

Howl: I can take care of myself.

Sophie: (snorts) Sure. Right.

Fangirls: (go back to Nawat)

Aly: Crud! (dives into pile again)

Peter and Harriet: Deck the hall with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaa!

Holly: (pops head in) You called?

Briar: Phew! I finally got rid of those idiots!

Elizabeth: Will is not an idiot!

Holly: Neither is Artemis!

Briar: Hmph.

Jack: Actually…

Elizabeth: (sticks tongue out at Jack)

Jack: (sticks tongue out at Elizabeth)

Elizabeth: (sticks tongue out farther)

Jack: (sticks tongue out farther)

Elizabeth: (sticks tongue out even farther)

Jack: (does the same)

Elizabeth: I'm not speaking to you any more!

Eilonwy: That's MY line!

Elizabeth: Who are you?

Eilonwy: Eilonwy, queen of Prydain!

Elizabeth: (dismissively) Hm. Really.

Taran: (calls) Er…Eilonwy, dear…

Eilonwy: Oh, no. He only calls me 'dear' when he wants something! I'm not here! (dives behind Elizabeth)

Jack: So who are the idiots chasing now?

Elizabeth: Will isn't—

Artoo: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!! (rolls by frantically)

Artemis, Will, Legolas, and Harry: (run after him) YOU HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES!!! WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!

Elizabeth: —an idiot.

Jack: I beg to differ.

Eilonwy: (peeks out from behind Elizabeth) So, has anyone seen a beast that talks funny and smells like wet dog?

Elizabeth: Are we talking about an actual beast here, or that guy who called you 'dear'?

Eilonwy: (sigh)

Gurgi: Munchings and crunchings?

Hen Wen: Hwoinch!

Frodo: HELLLPPPP!!! (runs past)

Foaly: Get back here, you thief! (runs after Frodo)

Sam: No one chases Mr. Frodo but ME!!! (runs after Foaly)

The Eye of Sauron: (sees Frodo) IIIII SSSSSEEEEEE YYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUU…

Frodo: (does the 'Frodo fall' (that's when you fall over sideways like he does in the movie. I got this from a friend)) AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (twitches)

Gurgi: It is the terrible Eye! Hidings and tidings—no, wait…hidings and…where's my rhyming dictionary?

Eilonwy: Forget it! Just—DUCK!!!

Everyone except Briar: (ducks)

Briar: A duck? Wher—

Tris: Idiot! (makes him duck)

Briar: Ouch.

The Eye of Sauron: (goes away)

Random Pirate Who Is Actually From the Mafia Who Is Actually Leia: What was that?

Frodo: The Eye. (faints)

Sam: Mr. Frodo! (gasp) Are you okay?

Rosie: Saaammm!!

Sam: Rosie? (looks at Briar) I must go to my wife now. I am entrusting the care of Mr. Frodo to you.

Briar: Er. Right.

Sam: Kneel!

Briar: (kneels)

Sam: By the power I have, I now pronounce you…(pulls out sword) Knight of the realm, defender of the soil, protector of the crown…

Hawkins: Oh, no! Please tell me we're not going through all that again! (grabs the nearest person, who happens to be Maree)

Maree: (squeaks and hides behind Rupert)

Hawkins: (to Rupert) The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.

Rupert: Huh?

Maree: Oh. It's okay, then. It's just the guy from that one movie.

(There is a loud crash of breaking glass.)

Hawkins: …and that would be them breaking the chalice from the palace. So, the pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon. The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. Got that?

Rupert: Sure.

Hawkins: Good. Go fight him, and good luck!

Jean: What are you doing?

Hawkins: Oh, there you are. C'mon, we have to get away before I have to fight him again! (pulls a bewildered Jean away)

Rupert: Fight who?

Maree: Ignore him.

Sam: AHEM!! May I have your attention PLEASE!!!

(Silence.)

Sam: THANK you. Now, then…as I was saying, I pronounce you knight of the realm, defender of the soil, protector of the crown…

Alanna: That's not how the ceremony goes! I should know!

Kel: Yeah!

George and Dom: Shhh.

Sam: (sigh) …Protector of the crown, and most of all, protector of Mr. Frodo!

Briar: Thanks. Can I get up now?

Sam: Yep.

Rosie: Sam?

Sam: Coming, dear! (hurries off)

Frodo: (wakes up) Did I miss something?

Foaly: Now I have free rein! Muahahaa!!

Tris: Oh, I am SO much better at that than you. (calls lightning, thunder, and wind) MUAHAHAAAAA!!!

Briar, Sandry, and Daja: Cool! You didn't tell us you could do that!

Foaly: Whatever. I still have free rein on this guy!

Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)

Foaly: WAHAHAAAA!!! (chases him)

Briar: NO ONE CHASES MR. FRODO BUT ME!!! (runs after them)

Maree: Uhh…

Firenze: Hey, you! Centaurs are supposed to be dignified! Come back here!

Rob: Ah, let him be.

Firenze: I don't believe I've met you. (starts talking with Rob)

Mairelon: What are you all doing here anyway? (sees me) Hey, wait a minute! I know that person!

Kim: Oh, not that bufflehead again!

Jo: RODERIGO, RODERIGO… (starts to stumble)

Meg: Will you please QUIT THAT???

Jo: (sigh) Fine.

Beth: (wanders over to piano)

Peter: (sees her) Hey! Let's play Christmas carols!

Peter, Beth, Sandry, Tris, and Daja: We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…

Russell: Is ANYONE else here Jewish?

Holmes: No.

Russell: (sigh) And you know because…?

Holmes: It's el—

Me: Don't you DARE—

Aelish: ELEMENTARY!!!

Russell: WAHAHAAAA!!!

Me: Aelish, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

Aelish: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (runs away)

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! (chases her)

Holmes: (shakes head) That had to happen sometime.

Russell: EHEHEEEEE!!! WAHAHAAAA!!!

Nita: (appears with crack) What the heck is so funny?

Kit: (appears with another crack) Dunno.

Dairine: (appears with a third crack) NITA AND KIT, SITTING IN A TREE…

Nita and Kit: QUIET!!!

Chrestomanci: (looks around vaguely) Interesting. This appears to be some sort of book-lovers' convention.

Rupert: What? Another one?

Maree: (stares at Chrestomanci)

Rupert: Maree? Maree?

Maree: (still staring)

Rupert: All right, that's IT!!! (marches over to Chrestomanci) OUT! She's MINE!!! (does Magid thing that sends him flying)

Chrestomanci: (does magic thing that sends Rupert flying without taking the vague look off his face)

Howl and Mairelon: Oh, not again! (do magic things together that send Rupert and Chrestomanci flying)

Rupert and Chrestomanci: Oh, no, you don't! (do magic things together that send Howl and Mairelon flying)

Everyone except Maree, Sophie, and Kim: (make circle and chant) FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!!

Me: HOLD IT!! We've already dealt with this once!

Everyone: Oh, yeah. (disperses)

Cat: (gapes with wide eyes) Was Chrestomanci about to…get into a FIGHT??

Marianne: (shrug)

Janet: Good question.

Kim: No one touches my Mairelony-poo! (stops) Wait, that's too long. Umm…

Sirius: (gags)

Harry: YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!! HE'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!!! (hugs Sirius)

Sirius: Oof.

Trelawney: You're all going to die!

Me: No, we're not!

Trelawney: Why not?

Me: Because…CAFFEINE!!! WAHAHAAA!!! (A/N: If you don't get that joke, go read my story 'What Do You Mean, He's Paper?' and you'll get it. Hehe...)

Trelawney: I don't get it.

Holmes: Russell, please stop laughing.

Russell: (gasp) Can't—(gasp)—stop—(gasp)—el-elementaryyywahahaaaa!

Holmes: (sigh)

Me: Well, you have to admit it is funny.

Holmes: Wait a moment…(frowns) Where's that other girl? The one who looks just like you and is wearing pants just like yours for some strange reason…

Me: Hey, girls around here wear pants. Get used to it, buddy.

Holmes: (sighs again)

Me: Oh, you mean Aelish?

Holmes: Yes.

Me: (grins evilly) Somewhere… (shifty eyes)

Holmes: You do realize that I'm a murder detective…

Me: Yup. And I didn't kill her. I just…incapacitated her.

Holmes: Well, technically—

Me: CAFFEINE!!! WAHAHAAA!!! (runs away laughing)

Holmes: (shakes head)

Holly: (is talking to Root)

Christopher Carroll: Holly?

Holly: What?

Holly Claus: What?

Both Hollys: Why does this keep happening?

Holly: My name is Holly.

Holly Claus: So is mine.

Both Hollys: Oh.

Viviana: Nicholas!

Nick: It's not Nicholas!

Viviana: Not you, dear. My husband. Nicholas, King of Forever, the Land of the Immortals. Otherwise known as Santa Claus.

Nick: What, Santa's real, too? Man, I will never regret meeting Rupert! The things I've learned!

Viviana: Oh, there you are, Holly!

Both Hollys: Huh?

Holly Claus: Oh. Hi, mother!

Viviana: Hello, Holly. Good morning, Christopher, dear. And who is your new friend?

Holly: I'm Holly.

Holly Claus: That's how we met.

Viviana: Wonderful! (begins chatting with them)

Alanna: Aly, we really should go.

Aly: Mother! I'm rescuing Nawat!

Alanna: Oh. (after a pause) Maybe I should help. Rescuing is more my line than it is yours, isn't it?

George: (quietly) Good for you, lass.

Alanna: (grins at him and goes to help)

Dom: Kel, I think you should calm down.

Kel: WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME???

Neal: Because what you're saying is ridiculous?

Kel: LOOK AT HIM!!! (points wildly at Malfoy)

Malfoy: (pulls out wand)

Kel: (looks nervously at it) What's that?

Malfoy: Expelliarmus!

Kel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs away)

Malfoy: (chases her)

Neal: Maybe he is evil.

Me: (screaming over the noise) READ THE FIC, GUYS, AND ENJOY!!!! (runs after Aelish again)

Chapter 15: Camp Songs and Crimson Faces; or, A Break From the Story for Some Pointless but Fun Filler

When Root came back inside the tent and noticed all the snickering, he turned beet red (not from anger, surprisingly) and muttered something about 'knew I should have smashed those helmets'. He then sat down in the farthest corner from Foaly, picked up Butler's book, which the bodyguard had conveniently left on the floor, and began to 'read' it upside down. A moment later, Vinyáya entered. She looked around, spotted him, came over, and gently turned the book the right way up. He stared at it for a moment, and then gasped, causing Butler to rush over and take it away, which left Root with no cover for his nicely colored complexion. Which put him in an even worse mood than he'd been before. He sat and glared at Butler, who, being finally fed up with everything, glared right back. Juliet also glared at Root, for glaring at Butler, and Vinyáya, normally calm as she was, still glared at Juliet for glaring at Root. Trouble glared at Vinyáya for glaring at Juliet, which made Root switch to glaring at Trouble. Trouble, having no one to glare at anymore, was left to glare at a helmet, which made Foaly glare at Trouble. Grub, surprisingly, began to glare (weakly, it was true, but still…) at Foaly for glaring at Trouble, and Trouble glared at Grub for being overprotective. Then Holly glared at Trouble because she thought it really wasn't fair on Grub, who was being nice for once, and Trouble glared back, which forced Artemis to begin glaring at Trouble for glaring at Holly. (A/N: Kudos and a cookie to you if you can actually figure out who's glaring at whom. And is the word 'glaring' starting to get a bit old?)

All in all, they weren't a happy group. And it was all Root's fault.

After a while spent trying not to look at everyone else so she could avoid glaring at them, however, Holly had an idea.

"Why don't we sing camp songs?"

Needless to say, they all stared at her as if she were quite mad.

"What?" she asked after a moment. "See, it'll be fun! Come on!" And she began to sing.

A chicken farmer went out one dark and dreary day.
He rested by the coop as he went along his way.
When all at once a rotten egg hit him in the eye.
It was the sight he dreaded: Ghost Chickens in the Sky!

Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.
Ghost Chickens in the Sky!

The farmer had raised chickens since he was 24,
Workin' for the colonel for 30 years or more,
Killing all those chickens and sending them to fry.
Now they want revenge….Ghost Chickens in the sky.

Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.
Ghost Chickens in the Sky!

Their feet were black and shiny. Their eyes were burning red.
They had no meat or feathers. These chickens all were dead.
They picked the farmer up and he died by the claw.
They cooked him extra crispy, and ate him with cole slaw.

Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok.
Ghost Chickens in the Sky!

This did nothing to encourage the rest of them, so she began another song.

Oh, an elf went yodeling on the mountain so high.
When along came a goblin, interrupting his cry
Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, ho-li-ah, ssssshhhh! (A/N: the sound of flames) Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, ho-li-ah, sssssshhhh!
Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, ho-li-ah sshhhhh Ho-li-ah, ki-ki-ah, oh!

Tentatively, Foaly joined in, and then Juliet and Mulch. As they began another song, Vinyáya and Grub began to sing as well. Trouble, Root, and Butler were last. Artemis simply sat there.

(A/N: This next part is in script format, so you can better understand what's happening.)

Holly: I said a boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: I said a boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: I said a boom-chick-a-rock-a-chick-a-rock-a-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Oh yeah

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Uh-huh

Others: (repeat)

Holly: One more time…cheerleader style!

Holly: I said, like, a boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: I said, like, totally boom-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Like, completely boom-chick and I'm a chick a-rock-a-chick-a-boom!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Like, yeah!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: Totally uh-huh!

Others: (repeat)

Holly: One more time…baby style!

All: (repeat whole thing in small, high voices)

Holly: One more time…opera style!

All: (repeat whole thing singing opera)

Holly: No more times.

(A/N: End script format.)

Now they were all singing, except for Artemis. He still sat motionless.

Foaly grinned. "My turn to pick!" he said, and began to sing, looking at Artemis and Holly wickedly.

Put a boy and a girl in a little canoe

When the moon is shining all around

As he dips his paddle in

It doesn't even make a sound

Well, they talked and they talked till the moon went dim

He said, 'You'd better kiss me or get out and swim,'

So what do you do in a little canoe

When the moon is shining all a-

The moon is shining all a-

The moon is shining all around?

Get out and swim!

Holly raised her eyebrows. "So what do you do in a little canoe/When the moon is shining all a-/The moon is shining all a-/The moon is shining all around?/ Just push him in!" she sang, and Foaly laughed.

"Well, that would work, too!" he said. "Or it could be, 'give him a kiss!'"

"Never!" said Holly, looking mock offended.

"I'm hurt," said Artemis dryly.

Holly grinned at him. "Oh. If it's you in the canoe, then never mind," she said, shooting a warning glance at Foaly, daring him to comment. He wisely chose not to, instead starting another song.

(A/N: Goes to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"; to be sung VERY fast.)

Aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are

Our friends, aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are our friends, aardvarks are

Our friends, aardvarks are our friends,

Aardvarks are our friends,

Aardvarks are our friends, aarvarks are

Our friends, aardvarks are our friends!

All of them got mixed up at different points in the song, except for Holly, who went right on singing. When she got to the end, she let out a great breath of air, and everyone applauded.

"How do you do that without getting your tongue tied in a knot?" Foaly wanted to know. He looked envious.

She grinned, shrugged, and then glanced at Artemis with mischief in her eyes.

"I know a song that's perfect for you."

"Oh?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, would that be?"
In answer, she started to sing again…

OHHH, IIII'DDD…

Rather suck on a lemon drop than to try my luck with a lollipop

Cause a lollipop will always drop and it gets all over sticky.

OHHH, IIII…

Hate the way it sticks and smears and gets all in my hair and ears

With a jellybean you're halfway clean but a lollipop is icky…

(Slower now)

I've tried and tried and just couldn't find

A lollipop that's halfway refined…

(Faster again)

SOOOO IIII'DDD…

Rather suck on a lemon drop than to try my luck with a lollipop

Cause a lollipop will always drop and it gets all over sticky,

Ooh, icky,

Ooh, icky, icky, icky,

YUCK!

Artemis grimaced. "Yuck, as childish as it is, is definitely the right word there," he said.

Holly smirked. "Like it?" Then she grinned again. "You know, there's another song I think would be fun to sing…"

My name is Flo and I work in a button fact'ry,