Black Day

Summary: "She doesn't know what to do, she's only ever heard of this day of mine, she's never seen it, never witnessed how destroyed I get."

Genre: Angst

Rating: T

Author's Notes: Yet another Kakashi One Shot. I've fallen into the "Kakashi depressed" story trap. I can't get the plot bunnies out of my head! sigh I don't really like this story, Kakashi just seems to out of character for my liking (as in insanely depressed!) but oh well, I'm posting it anyways. Just because I can. Oh, and because I like to procrastinate on h/w. It's Spring Break anyways so h/w isn't important, I have a week of procrastinating, yah!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto so don't sue me! That is all.

Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. I tried my best but I'm not perfect and we all know that spell-check doesn't catch everything (and I don't have a Beta-Reader because…well, I have no reason why, just because!! Okay!!). Also, I'm not an expert on Naruto and will never claim to be. I tried to stay as close to the timeline and the story as possible but if I made any mistakes then I'm sorry (and just ignore them, or politely point them out in a review and I'll try my best to fix them). May I also add the writing in 1st person is incredible hard!!!! sigh But it just sounds so much better when I finally get it right…oh well.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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Part of The Kakashi Chronicles, that currently include (in chronological order):
Fade to Black
Black Day
Self-Sustained Hell
Left Behind
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It wasn't that I forgot about their training, no, I just simply couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment. Not today, never today. For over a decade I have only ever been seen once on this day, and that had not been a good day. I nearly lost myself that day, and I nearly got the four Jounins on that mission killed. No, it's best for me to not be seen on this day.

Perhaps I should've told them yesterday not to bother to come, not to bother to wait for me. I know they'll probably wait all day; after all, I'm always late anyways.

Today there will be no Memorial Stone, there will be no training, no missions, no briefings, no words uttered or voices heard. Today was my day, and as those of my generation and the older generation said: today was my black day, Hatake Kakashi's black day.

Today, I will not be seen.

I wonder if they know about this day? Had they ever been told? Did anyone ever warn them? I figure that Sakura might've been told by her parents, maybe even Sasuke. Naruto on the other hand probably had no clue.

I hope they don't know. Or if they do know, I hope they don't know why.

I don't like people knowing why; the less who know why then the better. Let his memory fade, let his actions be forgotten. I wish I could forget; it would be so much easier if I could just forget.

I can feel the blade of the kunai digging into the palm of my right hand. I stare in the mirror; two eyes full of guilt and sadness are mirrored back to me, one gray and one red. My anger grows; I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Anger at my father, but it's not really anger, it's guilt, and it's not really directed at my father, it's directed at me. It's just so much simpler to deal with when it's not me who's fucked up, so much simpler when I can pretend it's all because of my father. It's a perfect excuse; why not use it if I can?

The sun shines through the window behind me, casting an eerie light on my face and strange shadows throughout the room, distorting the mirror image I see. As my anger grows my fists clench tighter.

The kunai breaks through skin and I feel it sink in deeper and deeper. I hear the rhythmic sound of my blood hit the tiles of my bathroom floor; it's comforting in its own twisted way. I clench my fists tighter, just to see how long it will take, how long before I can feel.

Is it wrong that it doesn't hurt? I never feel anything on this day anyways so it doesn't really matter.

Will someone come this year? Has anyone noticed? There's a meeting today, I should go. If I left now I'd still make it, I'd be late but not overly late, not any later than normal. Will anyone notice I'm not there? Will anyone remember that today is my black day?

I wonder who thought up of the name "black day?" It's catchy, they should be proud of themselves. I wonder if someone will make it into a song when I die; one of those mocking songs that the children sing.

They have one for my father, it would only be fitting that I have one too.

A couple years ago Iruka had been sent to find me for my presence had been required at a particularly important meeting. They didn't seem to care that it was my black day, to them that wasn't important.

I nearly killed Iruka.

I never meant to, on this day I can't control my emotions, my actions. What I do can't be held against me, they learnt that then. They realized just what this day means to me, what this day does to me. They understood when they found Iruka in that pool of blood on my kitchen floor and me standing there, it was the first time they had seen me crying.

They never spoke to me about that day, they pretended it never happened. They don't want to deal with me, they never have. It's easier for them to leave me alone. I don't really care anyways; it's easier for me too.

I ignore the pain, I repress it every single day of my life and it comes flooding out on this day. I'm surprised I haven't gone on a murderous rampage yet, I'm surprised I still have my sanity.

What makes it hurt even more is the fact that it's not just my father who died on this day, but Obito too. Two people, years apart, dieing on the same day, fate? Coincidence? Or some sort of punishment from an unknown force? I'll never know, but it hurts, it hurts more with every year. Time has never healed this wound; time has only made it worse. The more I live, the longer they have been dead, and the longer I'm forced to suffer.

Sometimes, in the middle of a battle, I wonder how easy it would be to just die. To make it look like I had made a mistake, a misjudgment, and had been killed. It was an option I entertained every single day of every single mission I have ever taken on since my father's death, and then Obito's. Would anyone notice if I did that? Would they figure out I did it on purpose? Would they remember me, does anyone care? They only problem with that plan is that my name would get carved into the Memorial Stone and I can't have that. My name doesn't belong there, it never will, it never has. I don't deserve to be a hero, I don't deserve life and I don't deserve death. So what do I deserve?

Something in the back of my mind is screaming at me. It must be the voice still connected to the present, still connected to reality. It yells at me, telling me someone is here, that I have to leave if I don't want to end up hurting someone. I hear the sound of knocking at my door, voices, words, things I can't comprehend, things I don't care about. A reality that I've shut out and ignored. The voice grows smaller, quieter, the voices fade away. I block it all, my eyes focused on the face reflected in the mirror, the unmasked face, the revealed face.

Here I stand, day after day I get up and hide myself from the world, hide myself from interaction. With my mask I can pretend I'm not me, I can pretend I don't care. My whole life is a farce, a play with perfectly written lines and scripted scenes. I've crafted my reactions to every possible situation I can think of, I'm rarely caught of guard, I rarely reveal who I am. Why? Why do I live like this? Why can't I just be who am.

Do I even know who I am?

The anger boils over, all the anger and the frustration and the guilt and every other repressive emotion becomes too much and I punch the mirror. I watch my reflection shatter, my face falling apart into tiny shards that fall on to the floor, too quietly for my liking. The shattered mirror matches my shattered soul perfectly; my mind fell with the fragments of mirror, the fragments of sanity.

"Kakashi?" A voice whispers to my right, I didn't bother to identify it. I never noticed that they had come in.

They could see me from my front door; I should've closed my bathroom door but I didn't and now they can clearly see me, see the mess I've made of myself. My left hand grips the edge of the sink tighter. I never even noticed I had even moved it. I stare at my fist, still frozen against the wall, where my mirror once was. I see the blood from the kunai I still grasp and the cuts on my knuckles from the mirror. I watch the droplets of my blood fall on to the taps of the sink, squirm down the porcelain and collect in pools on the floor, never straying from the same three paths that twisted and intertwined with each other.

"Kakashi?" Another voice whispers, a younger voice, a female voice, "The Hokage has requested your prese…."

I cut her off with my kunai, throwing it at her in one swift movement. She dodges easily but I can feel her fear, I can smell it. It stinks worse then my tainted blood. She doesn't know what to do, she's only ever heard of this day of mine, she's never seen it, never witnessed how destroyed I get. Asuma, on the other hand, saw me the day I almost killed Iruka. Actually, he's seen me on far too many of these days over the years. Stubbornness maybe? I don't really know. He refuses to be like everyone else and just ignore these days. Even when he doesn't see me on them the next day he will always ask how I am, ask if I need to talk.

He's one of those people who don't understand that trying to be my friend is only going to get you killed in the end. It's better to stay away from me, I'm just a curse.

I drop my right arm, letting it fall to my side. The blood continues to fall, creating a new puddle on the floor. The smell's getting stronger, harder to ignore, harder to push away.

"Kakashi, the Hokage said…"

"Get out," I interrupt her, "I don't care what the Hokage says, just leave before I hurt you. I don't need your help!"

I guess it would've sounded more sincere if my voice wasn't shaking and I hadn't just purposely injured myself. But this is all I can give them and I hope they take it and leave me to be, leave me alone.

"Kaka…"

"Get out!" I scream, slamming my right fist on the edge of the sink. The porcelain cracks and I watch my blood flow in and fill the small voids. It almost looks like tiny streams, bloody streams, death streams.

"Kurenai," I hear Asuma whisper to her, "let me deal with this, okay?"

She didn't respond, at least not with any verbal response that I can hear. I listen to Asuma's footsteps as he makes his way over to me. I watch his shadow come closer and closer and when he came within reach I struck out with my right hand, my bloody hand clenched in a bloody fist. I strike with the deadly accuracy I've spent so many years perfecting; bone on flesh, knuckles on cheek. He steps back, he's head snapped to the side. I watch, breathing more heavily then I should be. I feel the anger rise inside of me, consume me, and control me. I feel like I did the day I almost killed Iruka. Would I do it to Asuma? I can't say, I can't predict the future.

He turns his head, his brown eyes locking with mine. Did he see what I saw in my own eyes? Did he see the failure and the sadness, the guilty and the loneliness? I don't know, and I know I'll never ask. But I see in his eyes sadness, even regret? I'm not quite sure. It's harder to look into the eyes of others, harder to stare at someone else. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

We stand in silence for some undetermined amount of time. I don't care to keep track, I never do. Whether Asuma knew every minute that went by, whether he counted every second, I don't know and I really don't care.

He makes the first move, says the first words, "You don't have to do this Kakashi. You don't have to suffer like this. We can help you, if you just listen to us, just let us."

I move forward, move to strike down my enemy, move to kill him. I can't control myself anymore, all I know is I can't let him live. Not after seeing me like this.

There's a kunai on my neck, a person behind me. I freeze, one move and I'm dead. But would it really be that bad? I can just die now, let him live with the guilt of killing me. See how he manages to deal with the pain, see how he suffers.

"You don't fight with kunais," I whisper to the man.

I can't believe Asuma got the better of me.

"I know I can't fight you with my trench knives. The secret to defeating you is to fight out of my comfort range, to fight how you wouldn't suspect. Plus, in your psychotic state you're not the great Copy Ninja Kakashi I know."

"I'm not psychotic!" I scream, louder then I had intended, more angrily then I had intended.

I grab his wrist, my blood soaking into his clothes, and I elbow him in the face. His grip slackens slightly and I use the moment to my advantage. Pushing forward I break free of his clutch and stumble forwards. Only to meet someone else, someone wearing all green, someone I hadn't noticed. Someone who happened to be the last person I would ever want to see me on this day, in this condition.

It's true that I really don't care about our "rivalry," if you can call it that, but that's mainly because I know that I'm stronger than him. But I still don't like him to see me at my weakest, fuck I don't like anyone to see me at my weakest. But him! Him! Of all people why did he have to come? What possessed him? Did he just want to laugh at me, just want to finally see me on a day when he could defeat me?

I try to push away from him but he grabs my wrists and prevents me from getting away. Asuma steps behind me again and wraps his arms around my stomach, locking me in their grasps. No matter how much I tried to twist away I can't, no matter how much I struggle I can't get free. I can't even punch, I can't even kick. Asuma has his right leg wrapped around my right leg and he has his right leg wrapped around my left leg. I'm immobilized, rendered completely useless.

And Kurenai just stands there, watching, terrified and confused. She doesn't know what to do, what to make of the situation, what to make of me. It's ironic really, she's a Jounin, and you would never expect her to freeze like this, to become this scared. But then again, she's always been too sensitive, too emotional.

"Let go of me," I growl, yes, growl like a dog. I can't believe how weak and pathetic I am. What is happening to me?

He just shakes his head, is that sadness in his eyes? Now that was something new.

"Why are you here!" I shout, "Why did you come along! Did you just want to see me at my weakest? See me when you actually have a chance of beating me!"

He just looks at me, doesn't say a word, doesn't make a response.

I blink; he's usually never at a loss for words, never like this, "Gai?" I whisper, not bothering to hide the confusion in my voice.

He still doesn't respond, but his grip slackens the tiniest bit and I grab the opportunity. In a flash I break my hands free and punch Gai in the stomach, he reacts on instinct and tries to grab me again but I use my surprise attack to my advantage and break my left leg free. I twist around a kick Asuma in the stomach, using the force to push myself back, away from the two ninjas and closer to the door, closer to where I can escape. I land in a crouched position, left arm supporting my body, right arm poised, ready for a block or an attack.

After spending a second to assess the situation I realize that I have to go now or be stuck here, there is no way I was going to be able to beat the three of them in my state, unless I only killed them. I glance over at Kurenai and see that she still hasn't moved. Whether she will make to stop me or not I don't know, but I have to risk it. It's now or never.

I spin around, jump up, and make for the door.

But I stop running, my body freezes as I watch someone come into view, closing my door behind him. It's Shikaku and his fucking Kage Shibari no Jutsu. He straightens up and my body copies his, stupid shadow binding technique.

"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," He drawls.

"Bastard," I mutter, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," he replied in his ever present bored tone. No wonder he's son was so lazy, got it from his father, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living, its semi-fun, not that you would really know."

I glare at him, actually glare. Holy shit was I ever acting like an irresponsible child.

"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" Shikaku continues as if I wasn't even there. I couldn't see Kurenai's response; she was behind me, out of my line of vision.

"Go in the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment. You do have a medic kit right?"

"Yes," I respond, realizing that there was no way I was getting out of this. I was getting dragged to this meeting no matter what. I was getting dragged into reality on my black day no matter what I did. There was no way I was going to break out of the Kage Shibari in my current condition.

I listen to the silence that followed: the only sound coming from Kurenai as she searched the bathroom for the medic kit. A few minutes later Kurenai walked over to me and I watch as Shikaku's arm moves up and he twists it around so the his palm and forearm were facing up, my right hand follows his. I stare at Shikaku, mainly because he as staring at me and I couldn't move my head until he did. I could see Kurenai's hands shaking as she cleans the cut from the kunai and bandages it. A couple minutes later she finished cleaning the small cuts from the when I broke the mirror.

She's moves away and I watch as Shikaku lowers his arm, and I feel my arm move along with his. I listen to their breathing as the five of us stand in silence.

"Kakashi," Kurenai says, her voice shaking slightly, "When's the last time you ate anything? You look far too thin."

I blink, letting her question sink in. I think about it, think about it for longer then I should've needed too. It was a simple question yet I couldn't find an answer.

"I don't know," I finally reply, my anger growing once again, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."

"Kakashi," Shikaku begins, ignoring the previous question, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"

"No," I lied, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."

I can't believe that he believes me. He releases the Kage Shibari and I welcome the relief of knowing I can move again. I felt so helpless under his Jutsu.

Asuma walks up behind me and puts his right hand on my left shoulder, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."

I nod, waiting for my opportunity, formatting my plan. I can easily break through my window and get out that way. Asuma starts to walk past me on my left but in one swift movement I grab Asuma's right shoulder and with my right hand I grab a kunai from the holster on my leg and shove it into he's stomach. I don't wait for a response; I only have a limited amount of time to work with. In a few more seconds I run to the window and using my elbow I break it, jumping through and landing on the covered balcony that encircles the whole apartment on each floor. I get up from my crouched position and run over to the railing, I jump over it and land on the grass, three stories below.

"Kakashi?"

I freeze in the low crouch, left hand on the ground, supporting my upper body, right hand hugged in close to my stomach, trying to get ride of the stitch in my left side. I look up to see the Hokage standing in front of me; it was he who spoke my name.

"Attacking your teammates again?"

I look down at my right hand; it was covered in Asuma's blood. Had I hurt him? I didn't remember. I stand up and my vision goes blurry, the world starts to spin and I squint at the Hokage. Why were there three of him? What was going on?

"You've pushed yourself to hard," I faintly hear him say, "I was hoping you'd get to the meeting in one piece but it seems I was hoping for too much. I guess I should send more then four Jounins next time." All three of him shrug. "You really should try to take care of yourself better around this time of the year. From the looks of it you haven't eaten much in the last month or so, your wasting away. Your body doesn't have the strength to keep going. And you really should have your Sharingan covered, it's using too much of your Chakra."

"I give him a minute before he passes out," someone says from behind me. I'm surprised I can still determine my directions. I turn around to stare at the crouched form of Gai as he lands from jumping off the balcony. There were three of him too.

God, one Gai is annoying enough to look at, but three of him?

I watch as three Kurenai's, three Asuma's, and three Shikaku's land in the same crouched position behind Gai. All four of them straighten up at the same time. My eyes are drawn to Asuma's stomach and the blood that he was trying to stop with his hand. It doesn't look like a serious injury but I know I'm close to killing them. My anger is becoming uncontrollable. I hoped I would pass out before then, pass out before I can hurt them.

But I don't. I blink a couple times and my vision returns to normal. The three versions of everyone morph into one. I turn around to face the Hokage again and look into his eyes. I couldn't figure out what emotion is playing around in there but it twists my stomach into knots.

"I'm sorry Kakashi, I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?"

I look away from the Hokage and watch two birds building a nest in a tree. I let the time pass by, not caring about anything. I listen to my raged breathing and try to calm it down. I listen to my screaming body and smell the tainted blood that surrounds my senses.

"Fine Sarutobi," I whisper, still keeping my head turned and not looking at anyone, "I'm sorry."

I drop my gaze to the ground; I'm too ashamed to look at the Hokage. I'm too much of a disgrace to be here anymore.

I hate my black day.

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Author's Note: So far this is a one shot but I may continue it if you guys want me too. If I do continue it it will be in the form of the POV of each separate person in the story as a single chapter. So like one chapter with Gai's POV, one with Asuma's POV, one with Kurenai's POV, one with Shikaku's POV, and maybe one with the Hokage's POV. Just so you can sort of see what's going on in their heads and what they think about everything. So if you want me to do that then just tell me in a review, I'm not going to do it if only like one person is interested in it.

So, if you want me to continue with this story then write in a review with whose POV you want me to do first and the majority will win. Then I'll do the second popular, and the third popular, and so on. But this is only if there's enough interest. Because I'm lazy and have h/w and retarded stuff like that to do and I don't really feel like spending my time writing more to this story if no one wants me to.