Can and Can't Change

By Magewriter

Chapter 1: Mental Personal Space

The characters and most of the places, titles, and items belong to Tim Schafer and the Psyconauts crew.

"I love you." And she kissed him. It was the best moment of his life. Then they were separated by the government, who needed each of their distinct talents for separate missions. To this day, he had never been brave enough to say the same thing to her. If she looked at his mind when he was near her, she wouldn't see it then. He'd learned to hold in his emotions after he ran away. If a psychic saw that he was a runaway… well, after that one time, he was afraid of his dad. And so confused… Then he'd gone to Whispering Rock and met Milla. She was nice. She had a free spirit, and he liked that. Her mind was full of color and excitement. She had pretty clothes, too. She said she made them. They made her figure look even prettier. Of course, that was just teenage fantasy. When he was older, he'd gone to work for cruller, because he understood. He'd met Milla again. No one could forget that accent. She wore dresses then, too. That was when he'd figured out that he loved her. They were Psycadets when it happened. They met each other at a party. Now, it was the Psychic Age. He'd written a poem about her. First person, actually.

She is my sun,

The point of light

That ignites my heart

And warms my mind.

Without her,

Coldness.

Desolate.

No light,

No warmth.

Life has no meaning.

Then she comes.

Goddess.

She doesn't know.

She loves the old me,

Who always had to hide.

So I have to continue to hide.

Because if she knew…

I am afraid.

I don't know of what.

He could never show it to her. He wasn't brave enough. She could never know. She loved the old him. Her kiss… it was ecstasy. Pure happiness. Color, light, warmth, whatever you called it, it was the happiest part of his life. But he could never tell her. Not after this long.

Heh. For most of his life, he'd held in his emotions. When he was a teenager, he'd held in his emotions in fear. When he became a Psyconaut, his life, all the events, got all jumbled together, and he liked to know that there was one thing in his mind that was organized. Everything had its own place in his little cube, and he knew where everything was. He could call up any memory whenever he wanted to, and go there when he needed some quiet time. The GPC wasn't any good for that. You could still hear.

Then there was her lab. When she wasn't there, it was absolute wreckage. When she was there, the lamps were "boogying," in her words, the chairs, tables, and most of the other furnishings were floating at one angle or another (she said she did that on purpose, to add some variety. She didn't ever seem to think that bright colors were enough.) When you came in, you were greeted by her beautiful voice and an overly-bright chair with some bright, flower-shaped pillows. It was her way of showing off. She'd always wanted to be an actress, but she'd always refused to do anything less that television or a movie. That was why she grew her hair out, she said. He knew it must hurt to brush it. He remembered the faces his sister had always made when she had her hair brushed. Milla just liked to be showy. The bright colors, the colored, moving lamps, the sheer length of her hair, were all her ways of showing off. She always did her best to be amazing, despite all the things that had happened to her. When psyconauts were put together, they were required to spend at least an hour going through the other person's mind. He knew she suspected something. What else would she think? His mind was a cube. But inside that cube, only one thought was unorganized. It was the thought of her. If he filed it all away, what was to stop him from forgetting even one of those moments?

He thought those thoughts in his lab. He didn't know if they were good or bad. He was so confused… Then he heard a noise, felt some excitement… Raz was here. No more fantasies. He shoved them all back into his cube and called some images up near the surface. He knew what to do for this. This child was so powerful, so clever, that it had been an irresistible challenge. He was also very intriguing. He had already developed his basic skills. The boy was ten! TEN! He was a third of Sasha's age, and he was developing quickly.

That was funny. He KNEW there was something weird about Sasha's mind. Then Sasha got squished. So… Now he was off to the lake to see Milla. He'd collect arrowheads on the way. And try shooting the squirrel with the golden acorn that he needed for the scavenger hunt (not the squirrel, the acorn). Oh, and the big, black bear, and the rock on the little spring. And he might as well get some arrowheads while he was there. There were tons on the big sandstone rocks. Or did they just look like sandstone? They had the little stripes, kind of like Milla's dress, that were normal in sandstone. Maybe they'd formed around psitanium deposits. He did that, then explored one of the caves. It led to a big cavern with water on the floor. He soon found that there were a lot of arrowheads at the lake, too. Behind the sand, near the bridge. And there was a psi card on a little ledge beyond some conveniently-growing trees. He talked to in-love-with-his-boat Cruller and got a little canoe. He paddled up to Milla's little area and talked to her for a minute. Then he was inside the grooviest part of becoming a psyconaut. And beat stupid Bobby Zilch at the race on the first try.

Milla didn't believe him, but Lili did. About the mental dentist. And the meat plants. And Dogan's brain. Even if he had exploded four people's heads, he was still peaceful.

That little boy had the weirdest thoughts. It was odd, though. Lili had been thinking the same thing. Her mind was extremely susceptible to mind reading. Maybe Milla could help her with that.

Milla had been shocked and overjoyed when she learned about Sasha's compliment to her. She decided to put up a note on the message board that she'd be under the GPC. Then she'd take that down and put the sign on the trapdoor under her floating area. It opened out, so no one fell through accidentally. It was also based on the sand, so it wouldn't topple over if someone did hit the beanbag chair under the opening after that fall. Sasha had helped her with the design plans. He'd also helped her with the trapdoor. Then they'd had to go on a "special" government mission, where they were the only two psyconauts, with four others. They'd decided not to tell the others. People were so… cautious, around psychics. Then, the first night, she had levitated in her sleep. She had a tendency to sleep in, so… Usually she woke up when she hit the ceiling, but they were outside… then Sasha forgot and levitated his cigarette. Hmmm. Both found out through levitation.

She decided to go to Sasha's lab just before sunset. She had plans for tonight.

She thought some odd thoughts as she drifted toward the GPC. She didn't like the tunnels. She was a little claustrophobic, and those tunnels drummed at her mind. She chose to float to his lab instead.

It was a little after 6:00, about sunset. He felt the happy, free sensation that he only got when Milla was around. Seconds later, she drifted down behind him, light as a feather.

"It's sunset." There was no question as to whether he'd known she was there. "I know. I just checked my watch." "Have you ever watched the sunset from the top of the GPC?" "Have you ever watched it from your lab?" "Yes, but it wasn't nearly so beautiful, so I went back on top." That perfect grammar… "Well, the answer is no." "Do you want to? I'm going back up." "I'm colorblind." "We can talk." "Um… okay." She wasn't calling him 'darling.' That could only mean one of two things, and since she didn't seem angry at him…

He hadn't lied about being colorblind. Only in his mind was there color. Oh, well. She'd been talking about what the sunset meant in Brazil. Then she said about America. "And here… it means…" Then he did the one thing he never thought he could do. He kissed her. It was the best moment of his life.

"Hey, Sasha! I… uh… do you want me to come back later?" The little girl floated up beside him. "Of course they want you to leave them alone. They were having a moment." "Oh, uh, sorry." "Ugh, boys."

Of course, Milla handled the situation perfectly. She was so… beautiful. Perfect in every way. "Okay, kids, run along. I'm sure it can wait a couple of minutes. I'll be back at my lab in a couple of minutes, darlings. We can talk then, okay? I need to talk with Sasha a little bit more."

"Are you gonna kiss him again?" "Raz! Shut up already!" The girl – he didn't know her name -- dragged Razputin off, yelling at him. He sighed. "Hey, at least they didn't see into our minds. I like what you think of me, by the way, darling." That… Minx! She'd gotten into his mind, without setting off any sensors, without him noticing, and plunged into his deepest thoughts! "Nice poem, too. I would suggest another line, separating 'I don't know' from 'of what.' It might add a little drama."

At that moment, he could see nothing other to say than "You weren't supposed to see that." "Oh, I know, darling! But I enjoy poetry. gasp do you want to see some of my poems about you? Only the good ones, of course." He floated up, angry, but he couldn't yell. Not at her. Instead, he darted down into the tunnels. He was headed for the underground cave. He could go to the test lab and get rid of her. She was so… casual, about seeing his deepest secret. It hurt him. It pierced him through his heart.

Had she lost him? No, there was that underground rumble… Oh, no. Not Cruller's cave. It was spooky in there. It was like she had two minds, and she couldn't handle it. But she had to go there, to apologize to him. He just always took everything that was thrown at him and kept on going. She hadn't meant to hurt him. Since she refused to go down to that hideous cave, she'd have to make it up to him somehow. It would be tricky. He was just as clever as she, but he didn't use his cleverness for the same purposes she did. He taught himself skills, while she poked around in other people's minds to figure out what skills she might be missing. Why couldn't he realize that she hadn't meant anything bad?