A/N: I just came from seeing Brokeback Mountain for the fourth time. I've been patiently waiting for it to come on DVD, but after the disappointment of the Oscars, I just had to go out and support it some more. Thankfully, we have a really artsy little theater in my town that has been playing it for awhile, and I was able to sneak into a relatively quiet showing. I was caught by the majesty and the pain yet again; this movie never ceases to haunt me. Of course, ridiculous fan girl that I am, I couldn't help but start thinking of fan fiction ideas about half-way through. This came to me right away. I'm not too sure about the whole premise of it, but I really hope you enjoy! Feedback is totally appreciated :)
Twisting the Knife
by touchofxpink
Jack knows this, but he doesn't shave it. He doesn't want to shave it. He wants to remind Ennis that he's not kissing a girl, that's he's kissing a man, and one who can hold his own in any fight at that. Jack isn't some pansy with his shorts all tied in a twist; he's a rodeo cowboy with some prizes and money and he can beat damn near any man who meets his eyes in a way he doesn't like.
Their meetings, way up in the high hills of Wyoming, are always tinged with pain, always filled with longing and regret for something that can never be. Jack feels that pain like a knife, stabbing him in the gut and twisting for good measure. Every meeting makes it harder to leave; every kiss makes him want what he can't have even more. Every postcard that arrives makes him think that maybe this is the time, that Ennis will really want to abandon his lonely life and set up a nice little cow and calf operation somewhere far away from it all.
But each time they meet, Ennis withdraws further and further into himself, until he's barely a shell of what he was back up on Brokeback, when they owned the world together. And each time he goes a little bit further away, and Jack loses a bit more of the man he loves more than life itself.
He loves Ennis Del Mar more than anything else, sure, but he isn't above wanting to make him hurt. He wants Ennis to taste a bit of the pain he feels, to know that Jack would give him anything; he'd live through the pain just for the few moments of light in a dark world.
So he keeps his mustache. Lureen doesn't like it either, not that that matters. He keeps it because it makes Ennis hurt; it makes him realize that he isn't the man he thought he would be. The stupid mustache, which looks ridiculous and Jack knows it, reminds Ennis that he loves a man and it makes him angry. He curses every time it rubs against his upper lip and Jack inwardly laughs, all the while swearing out loud that he'll shave it off for next time. It's the same type of empty promise that Ennis makes each time, when he says that it'll be different soon, and they might be able to work it out in just a few months.
In his heart of hearts, Jack likes to disappoint Ennis. He likes to see that flicker of resentment, of anger, every time he catches sight of the offending hair when Jack pulls up and gets out of the car. It lets Jack know that Ennis has expectations too; he has hopes that things will change to make them both happier.
But things will never change; they'll never be happier together. They've both got to give to make things better; to fix what's broken.
But the sad thing is there are some things that just can't be fixed. They had their glory days, long ago, when they still were clean-shaven and had the world ahead of them. And as that memory is buried under days of regret and repression, as it gets farther and farther away from the present, so do they grow farther apart from each other, until all they can cling on to is the thought of what could have been.