Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars: Jedi Apprentice. Working on it. Isn't looking good.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE SLASH DON'T READ THIS FIC!
Tainted Love
Prologue
"I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do…
Then hurt me."
-Bright Eyes
Obi-WanObi-Wan splashed cold water on his face and breathed deeply. He had woken up from another dream. Another dream with him. He was in all of Obi-Wan's dreams now.
"It's not suppose to be like this," Obi-Wan said aloud, his voice almost reaching panic. He dropped his head to his hands. "It's not suppose to hurt this much."
He tilted his head back and bit his lip, trying to keep the tears from coming. It didn't work, and another wave began to fall down his face. He fell to his knees and let the sobbing rack his body, knowing that it would pass in a moment. This had been happening for days now.
He started taking deep breaths, calming himself. The crying had stopped, but he was still shaking when a knock came from the door. "Obi-Wan?" A voice from outside the door called. A soft gentle voice, Bant's voice. "Are you alright?"
Obi-Wan stared at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes were red and blotchy and he was shaking slightly. No, I'm far from alright…
"Yes Bant, I'm alright," Obi-Wan responded through the door, trying to keep his voice steady. "Go back to bed, it's late."
"It's ok, I'm not tired," Bant said softly. "I'm worried about you. So is Qui-Gon, he's the one who came and got me. He felt your pain just now and he asked me to come talk to you." She paused for a moment, and then said in almost a whisper. "He was hoping that you would open up to me, you won't talk to him about it."
'There's nothing to talk about."
"Obi-Wan," Bant's voice cracked with tears. "I know that something's wrong. Please, let me in."
Obi-Wan suddenly felt guilty. Just because I hurt doesn't mean that I have to hurt those around me. But how could she understand? How could he expect her to? He barely understood.
He stood up slowly, unsure of his legs' steadiness, and unlocked the door.
Bant entered cautiously, then looked at Obi-Wan. Her eyes softened and filled with tears. "Obi-Wan…" She whispered softly, reaching out to wipe away his tears.
He turned away from her proffered hand and sat on the edge of his sleepcouch, dropping his head into his hands. "I'm sorry for worrying you."
"No," said Bant. "Don't be. Just please… tell me what happened."
Obi-Wan took a deep breath, but still his voice was unsteady. "I don't know if I can."
Bant sat down. "It was that bad?"
Obi-Wan stared at the wall, her question echoing in his head. Was it that bad? He hadn't stopped to think about he events leading up to his pain. Was it a mistake? Did he regret it? Was what happened Obi-Wan's fault? Or his? He let his eyes wander over his simple room. His sleep couch, desk, and the small ships he had crafted so meticulously himself. He could have given this up for a much different life if things hadn't ended like they had. He was given the choice, only to have it snatched away. Did he wish he still had that choice?
Most importantly, did he love him?
Bant stared at him, allowing him time to sort his thoughts. He was grateful for her patience.
"I'm… I'm a little ashamed," he whispered.
"No one has to know," she said. "You can trust me, you know you can."
After several moments he took a shuddering breath. "I guess I need to start from the beginning, in order for you to fully understand what happened. Qui-Gon and I had just returned from a mission…"
Chapter 1"What have I done?
Where have I come from?
When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal the loss that's become me?
Feeling undone
What have I become?
When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and became this machine…"
-Mudvayne
Four months before…
Qui-GonThis mission had been grueling. It had been disappointing and heartbreaking.
It was nice to be home.
Obi-Wan needed it. He needed it. Rest. Serenity. Some people can live without them. Jedi can't. Jedi see too much.
It should have been routine, they were escorting a royal diplomat from her war-torn world to Coruscant to help with the peace efforts between her home-planet and their opponent.
But not everyone always wants peace.
They had been fighting for a very long-time, and neither was completely willing to surrender. The radicals of both worlds would go to any lengths to keep the war going. They needed revenge on their neighbor.
Qui-Gon never failed to see the irony in things. Two conflicting sides couldn't agree on anything until it came to an assassination.
He didn't sense it. Not one thing… at least not until the starfighter was rocking from the blast. The engines were damaged, and they were forced to land on a nearby planet. Exactly what they were supposed to do. After that, it was only a matter of time.
It had been a long time since the last time one of Qui-Gon's missions ended in failure. When they arrived on the planet it was like an aklar slaughter. No matter what he did he couldn't stop it. This was one of the missions that might hinder his sleeping for weeks to come. He felt even worse for Obi-Wan. At 17-years-old the boy still had trouble seeing such wanton murder. He wasn't use to it. Qui-Gon hoped that he never would be.
It was a hard life, but Qui-Gon thought it was worth it. It involved a great deal of self-sacrifice, but it was worth it. Saving people was worth it. They had many good missions, but with the good occasionally comes the bad.
It is not ours to judge fate, it is the will of the force.
The force chose the ending of this mission, and Qui-Gon would live with it. He wouldn't dwell on the past, that was not the Jedi way.
He sighed and smiled faintly at his exhausted padawan before heading to the turbolift.
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Obi-WanObi-Wan stepped outside the temple door and was immediately assaulted with loud speeder honks and roaring engines. Turmoil, that was good. He could lose himself in turmoil.
He had first gone to the Room of a Thousand Fountains, hoping to find comfort in the waterfalls spray and the soft grass between his fingers. The atmosphere of it was meant to be calming, but Obi-Wan could only take so much of it at the moment. At the moment it all seemed so… fake.
He knew that he wasn't thinking like a Jedi, but he couldn't help it. For once he didn't want to think like a Jedi, he wanted to lose his thoughts. He had far too many thoughts. There was so much blood…
No, he silently shook himself. Don't think about it. Don't. Think. About. It.
Strangely, the walk did more for him then he thought it would. It was loud, and overpopulated, but it was life. Strong, vibrating life.
He walked the same roads the next day. And the day after. From the temple towards the Senate building. Right turn. Right turn. Alley shortcut, left turn. Alley shortcut, right turn, west towards home. It became a routine for him, a relaxing constant. He didn't know that others had noticed his routine, that he wasn't the only one walking that same path.
Four days after he had started his walks he turned into the second alley. A low voice interrupted his thoughts.
"The same path everyday, I would have thought that you would have formed a brain by now, but I guess I was wrong," a shadow detached from the wall, and Obi-Wan's hand immediately flew to his lightsaber.
He couldn't see the stranger's face, it was covered by a hood. The shadow spoke again. "Don't they teach you anything at that temple? Routine makes you comfortable, and when you're comfortable you lose alertness, and when you lose alertness you become susceptible to danger."
"And I suppose that you're the danger in this scenario?" Asked Obi-Wan in a calm voice. I know him from somewhere…
"I've been the danger in all of your scenarios," responded the man mockingly. "You just haven't realized it yet." He reached inside the folds of cloak and pulled out a lightsaber.
Obi-Wan felt as if the breath had been knocked out of him. "Xanatos…" He said in almost a whisper.
Xanatos flipped back the hood, revealing his dark hair and gleaming white scar. His blue eyes blazed with arrogance and hatred. "You're a quick one," he smirked.
Then he lunged. Their lightsabers tangled with a hiss, and Obi-Wan could feel the heat radiating off their collision on his face. This was too close for comfort. Xanatos pushed his strength against their sabers, forcing Obi-Wan to stumble backwards. Then he leaped at him again.
Obi-Wan had fought Xanatos before, when he was thirteen. Xanatos had gotten better, much better. But then again, so had Obi-Wan. He was ready for Xanatos next attack, and he met it with his own strength, drawing on the force to calm and help him.
Xanatos laughed. "Not even the force can save you."
They tangled again, but this time Obi-Wan was backed by the force. "Qui-Gon was right, you do like to hear yourself talk," replied Obi-Wan as he slashed at Xanatos.
The alley was shaped in a straight line, with a small passage on the south end and another on east side. Every other part was just solid buildings. No place to run.
Xanatos was trying to push him back into a corner, Obi-Wan knew. He jumped on to a nearby dumpster and flipped over Xanatos's head, landing behind him. Obi-Wan was hoping to surprise him with that move, but Xanatos didn't even seem to notice, he just ducked to miss Obi-Wan's swinging lightsaber and continued their battle.
Time wore on, neither knew how much. They were both soaked in sweat, and Obi-Wan was having trouble gripping his lightsaber.
"What's wrong little Jedi?" Xanatos mocked. "Getting tired? I'm afraid that I don't have any inspiring maxims to share with you."
Obi-Wan ground his teeth, trying to focus on the battle and ignore Xanatos's taunts.
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions," Xanatos continued, not missing a beat. "Like how I'm still alive."
"I'm sure that you just want an audience," Obi-Wan said dryly.
Xanatos laughed bitterly. "Well I'm sure that whether you like it or not, you're going to be my audience." He shoved into Obi-Wan hard, forcing him to stumble back.
Obi-Wan tried to catch his balance, but his right leg fell ankle deep into a hole that wasn't there the day before. Obi-Wan cried out as he felt his ankle twist painfully and his body fall hard on the ground. He should have known that Xanatos would change the terrain to make him clumsy.
He smacked his head hard against the duracrete ground. The last thing he saw as his vision ebbed was Xanatos's smirk.
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The Next day…
Qui-GonQui-Gon was walking quickly. To a bystander he might have appeared to simply be enjoying a brisk walk through the temple grounds, but his friends knew that he was upset. Obi-Wan hadn't returned to the temple the night before. It wasn't like him in the least.
He caught Garen, one of Obi-Wan's best friends, exiting the food hall.
"Garen!" He called to him.
Garen stopped and waited for Qui-Gon to catch up. "Have you seen Obi-Wan?"
"No," Garen replied. He then noticed Qui-Gon's slightly furrowed brow. "Is something wrong?"
"I'm not sure," responded Qui-Gon. "He didn't come back to the temple last night."
Garen looked worried for a moment, then he smiled weakly. "That's not like Obi-Wan, but I'm sure that he's fine. Maybe he just left early this morning and you missed him?"
Qui-Gon shook his head. "Thank you Garen, I don't think so, but I'm sorry to have bothered you."
"It's no bother," Garen said. "I'd help but my master and I are wanted by the council. But don't worry Qui-Gon, I'm sure he's fine." With a wave Garen headed down the hallway.
Frustration set in on Qui-Gon. Bant and Reeft were both on missions with their masters, and he had searched all over the temple for Obi-Wan. This wasn't like him, Obi-Wan didn't just not come home.
Qui-Gon walked into his chambers and paced them restlessly. What if he's hurt? Or worse… dead? No, he shook his head. He would have sensed it if he was dead. He should have sensed it if he was distressed at all.
Qui-Gon fell down on to his sleepcouch, but when he landed a thin durasheet flew into the air. Qui-Gon stared at it for a split second before snatching it out of the air. He read at the scrawled words in shock.
My dear Qui-Gon,
I hate to sound clichéd, but I have something that you want. If you ever want to see him again, you'll have to catch me. That is, if you can.
The note wasn't signed by anything except a broken circle at the bottom.
Qui-Gon's blood ran cold.
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A/N: Hey I hoped you guys like what I have so far. For all of you who aren't fans of slash, I'm sorry. If you don't like it please don't report me for some stupid reason, just tell me. I'd appreciate that. Constructive Criticism is more then welcome, as are story plot suggestions, I love suggestions. Maybe that's cause I'm too lazy to think up my own ideas, but whatever. The kidnapping seems kind of awkward to me, but I hope that it didn't seem too illogical to any of you. I needed it to happen, how it happened wasn't a high priority. If anyone has a problem, please just say it in the review or e-mail me, my address is on my profile page. I'm so angry with some of the people on right now it's not even funny, I've had so many stories deleted for stupid reasons, or for violations that I didn't commit. So please if there's a problem let me know and I'll fix it. Please be reasonable. Oh yeah and you see that little purple button? You want to push it.