Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Numb3rs or any of the characters therein. I do not own the rights to Lady Marmalade: it was written by Bob Crew and Kenny Nolan- lyrics are all over the internet, so in the public domain. The version I use is from the Moulin Rouge movie, 2001; don't own the copyright for anything from there, either.
Author's note: Second part in a trilogy of dancing that involves Don- T rating, cause I don't go further than boxers and a t-shirt. Chapter 2 is the setup (not so much fun), Chapter 3 the denouement (hope we have a lot of fun); the two chapters together make a TwoShot- bang, bang.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charlie settled into a seat next to the computer, busily writing in his notebook. It took him several minutes to realize that his brother's voice was waffled in between the sound of laughter coming from the screen. He slowly looked up, puzzled by what he saw.
"What the hell is this?!"
Charlie whipped his head around to the sound of the voice. Regional Director Gray had come out of his seat- and was heading toward the confused professor.
As Gray approached with a steady stride, Charlie could not take his eyes off him.
"I'm, uh, not sure- I don't know- I must've grabbed the wrong DVD." He grabbed his portfolio and tried to find Don's other film.
Standing next to Charlie, Gray grabbed hold of the computer mouse. He couldn't believe what he was watching.
Special Agent Don Eppes was sitting around a table with five-no, six- blondes- all but one of them half-naked; if he could venture a guess, the director would swear they were strippers. There were a dozen empty bottles of beer at Eppes elbow- from the way he swayed and with the glossed-over look in his eyes, he had probably consumed most of them himself. Gray finally recognized the center blonde as Eppes' ex-fiancé Kim- boy, did he ever blow that, he thought. It was apparently her birthday, for she was opening up a gift and holding up some very lacy lingerie, kissing the goofy-smiling man next to her as a thank you.
Shaking his head, the director turned the volume down on the film- not interested in the light banter, focusing instead on the visuals. Ignoring the horrified looks of Merrick and Donaldson- who were desperately trying to become one with their chairs- Gray was completely fascinated by what he was seeing on the screen. He just couldn't figure out why the unimaginative Eppes- who wears a suit to this kind of party?- would think to throw his fiancé a birthday party with female strippers. If he had wanted to make her happy, they'd have all been male. She apparently didn't mind, and Gray couldn't help but think again that Eppes had certainly blown that one.
As the recording progressed with little activity but gift-giving and cake-eating, Gray became aware of the quiet grumbling of boredom behind him. He sighed. Well, he thought, leave it to Eppes to be in a room full of blondes and think of nothing better to do than to eat cake.
The director started skipping through the disc, his hopes of seeing something provocative dashed as one scene after another zipped past.
Bor-ing, he thought. Why couldn't that guy ever have any fun?
Charlie stood next to Gray; his eyes never left the screen, as he was just as fascinated by his brother's choice in birthday party guests as was the director. Also, he had never seen Don completely drunk- no, wasted- before, not to the extent that he appeared to be in this recording.
Both he and Gray were thinking the same thing, though- even drunk, Special Agent Don Eppes still maintained control.
Well, that's that, thought Gray, sighing in disappointment. He had hoped there would be something on the film to break up the monotony of the day; seeing the most straight-laced agent he ever met out of control would have-
Suddenly, the angle of the camera changed. What was apparently the stage of a strip club came into focus, and five females were leading Don Eppes toward the center pole, while, on the left side of the screen, the birthday girl straddled a stool placed on the stage edge.
Gray turned the volume up- way up.
There were no more grumbling noises behind him. Every agent in the place had collectively become attentive, as more than half of them knew Agent Eppes. Along with Charlie, they all watched mesmerized.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Come, on, Donnie- you gotta give Kim a proper gift," a tall blonde with a sequined bra and double-slit skirt coaxed, pulling the agent by his left arm while three others pushed him from behind.
"I already gave her a proper gift," he protested, thought about it, "Okay, not proper, but a gift..."
Having positioned him center-stage, the girls got busy. One positioned herself behind Don, placing her arms around his neck and loosening his tie. She pressed against him just a little more than necessary, but not enough to concern Kim.
"When a man gives a woman lingerie, the gift's really for him- not her", another one explained, undoing the first few buttons of the long-sleeved shirt he wore under his brown suit jacket, revealing the white t-shirt underneath, and then standing to his left.
A third girl ran her fingers through his hair, mussing it enough to make him look oh, so sexy. She then stood over to his right.
The last two girls were busy at the back of the stage, setting up some music and dimming the lights slightly. When the music began to filter from overhead speakers, these two surrounded Kim; the threesome became busy with whooping calls and whistles, cheering Don to perform.
Don flushed, lightly leaning back against his rear escort to maintain his balance.
Then the sound of singing- and the girls went to work.
Where's all mah soul sistas
Lemme hear ya'll flow sistas
The first girl reached around Don's neck and completely undid his tie, pulling it off.
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista
The two on his left directed him to take his jacket down at the right shoulder – on and off- then the left.
He met Marmalade down IN old Moulin Rouge
Struttin' her stuff on the street
The rear girl pulled the jacket down off his arms, letting him hold the sleeves in his hands.
She said, "Hello, hey Jo, you wanna give it a go?" Oh! uh huh
The girls turned Don around with his back to Kim, showing him how to move his jacket back and forth against his back, one standing in front of him holding his hips and swinging them back in forth to the rhythm of-
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)
Jacket back and forth-
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)
Hips rocking-
Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea)
Then he swung the jacket in a circle over his head-
Creole lady Marmalade
Don lost the jacket as the girls turned him back around to face Kim- and the camera-
What What, What what
Ooh oh
From behind, Don's friendly helper lay on his back, her hands crossed over his chest, pressing her hips to his rear, moving his hips back and forth in time with hers-
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir
Voulez vous coucher avec moi
yea yea yea yea
Backing off, the girls prompted Don to unbutton his shirt-
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
Shirt undone-
Boy drank all that Magnolia wine
The girls turned Don around again, pulling the shirt down around his elbows-
On her black satin sheets is where he started to freak yeah
Trying to imitate the motions of the girls, Don pulled the shirt back and forth across his back-
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (da-da-da)
Tried sliding his hips side to side-
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here ohooh yea yeah)
Took his shirt off the rest of the way-
Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea)
Swung it over his head and discarded it-
Creole lady Marmalade
Another girl grabbed him from behind, pushing him forward with her body as her hands moved his hips-
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir, what what what)
Then undid his belt, placing him in front of Kim-
Voulez vous coucher avec moi
Yea yea uh
He come through with the money and the garter belts
Kim smiled, leaning over to grab the end of Don's belt in her teeth-
I let him know we bout that cake straight up the gate uh
Don was pulled back so the belt would slide off-
We independent women, some mistake us for whores
I'm sayin', why spend mine when I can spend yours
Hesitantly, Don undid his zipper-
Disagree? Well that's you and I'm sorry
He kicked off one shoe, then the other-
Imma keep playing these cats out like Atari
Before he could change his mind, two girls grabbed his pants and tugged down, revealing his white boxers beneath-
Wear high heel shoes get love from the dudes
Helped him pull them all the way off, tossing them to the side-
4 bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge
The girls gently pushed Don toward the center pole-
Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas
Facing Kim, Don placed his right hand on the pole, wrapped his right leg around-
We drink wine with diamonds in the glass
Slid around the pole-
By the case the meaning of expensive taste
Lost his balance, falling on his back to the floor-
If you wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya
Stunned, Don's goofy grin reappeared-
Mocha Chocalate-a what?
He ran his hands one after the other over and over his face-
Creole Lady Marmalade
Lay on his right side, pressing down on his shoulder-
One more time C'mon now
Spun in a circle in his best Curly imitation-
Marmalade... Lady Marmalade... Marmalade...
Then lay flat on his stomach, impressively pushing himself back to his feet-
Hey Hey Hey!
Faced Kim and the girls all gathered around her stool, a serious look on his face-
Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth
Ran his hands up and down opposite arms, his pelvis thrusting forward as he started stepping toward the girls-
Color of cafe au lait alright
Clasped his hands in front of his groin, index fingers pointed and with thumbs up, holding his hands like a gun-
Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried,
Thrust hands and pelvis up three times to
More-more-more
Put his hands out to either side, right hip moving forward-
Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5
His left hip swung forward-
Livin' a grey flannel life
Put both his hands behind his head-
But when he turns off to sleep memories creep,
Three more thrusts of the pelvis to-
More-more-more
"More, More, More" screamed all six women, laughing and cheering Don on.
Don moved his right hand to cover part of his chest, then his left hand, moving his hips in a slow circle-
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (da daeaea yea)
Placed a hand on each hip, shaking his lower body slowly back and forth-
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (ooh)
Turned around and gave a few shakes of his rear-
Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea)
Ended with a slow circular movement of his hips-
Creole lady Marmalade
He turned to face the girls again-
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)
Started to slowly lift his undershirt up over his stomach-
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (all my sistas yea)
The six girls whooping and hooting- "Take it off"
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)
Don pulled his shirt back down, grinning-
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (C'Mon! uh)
Protests of "Tease!"
Christina...(oh Leaeaa Oh)
One girl ran on stage to Don-
Pink... (Lady Marmalade)
Then another, and another- starting to dance around Don-
Lil' Kim...(hey Hey! uh uh uh uh...)
A fourth arrived, leaning into him-
Mya...(Oh Oh oooo)
Kim and the last girl-
Don was suddenly surrounded by six blondes, all grinding around him to the beat of the music.
Rot wailer baby...(baby) Creole Lady Marmalade Yes-ah...
Moulin Rouge... (0h)
Misdemeanor here...
A silly look on his face, Don pulled himself away from the group, trying to pick up his clothes and get dressed. He leaned over to grab his pants, when-
Pinch!
He jumped up, turning to the girl standing directly behind him, waving an index finger back and forth in her smiling face, his alcohol-laden body moving along with the motion of the finger. It didn't take long for the other girls to catch on to the joke, as every time he went to bend over he felt the coming together of numerous fingers.
After finally picking up all his clothes, Don rubbed his bottom and feigned indignity as he tried to stalk off the stage. Instead, he tripped on the last step and fell to the floor, where six females rushed to his aide, helping him walk off-camera while they made sympathetic noises-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-noises that were lost in the din caused by the laughing of several hundred federal agents in the L.A. Bureau's conference center.
There was such a ruckus going on, Regional Director Gray had a hard time hearing himself laugh. All he knew was that he and Eppes' brother were leaning against each other, both of them holding their sides and trying not to fall to the floor as they attempted to catch their breath.
Donaldson and Merrick were not so amused. While they were faintly aware of the laughter booming off the auditorium walls, each one had sunk into his own little world, trying to decide whether or not he would have a career at the end of the day- knowing that Eppes definitely would not.
The riot was unpleasantly interrupted by the appearance of a secretary, who was stunned at the sight of so many agents bent over grabbing their stomachs, and who wondered if somehow a perpetrator had managed to fill the entire room with laughing gas. Shrugging her shoulders, she crossed to Gray and, making sure she was heard, yelled at the top of her lungs-
"I have a message from an Agent Eppes- he said he just arrived with his vehicle downstairs and will be up to finish his presentation within five minutes."
Gray and Charlie immediately stood up, each shoving his personal amusement into the pit of his stomach. Following the director's lead, the rest of the federal agents reluctantly composed themselves, sporadic outbursts of laughing escaping here and there in the aisles of the auditorium.
Remembering the DVD, Charlie snatched it from the computer and shoved it into its case. Panicking, he was looking for a place to hide it when Gray grabbed it from his hand and took it back to the long table at which he had been previously sitting. He lifted up a file and placed the case underneath.
Charlie breathed out slowly, the relief allowing him to dwell once again on the DVD; it took reciting every equation he had worked on in the past year to keep him from bubbling over in laughter again.
He was not the only one having a hard time controlling himself. Don's team members- David, Colby, and Megan- had all chosen to sit at the top of the auditorium's stadium seating, hoping to keep their heads buried behind their manila folders when Charlie started in with his algorithms. Now, their faces were hidden behind the folders for another reason.
Megan had an idea.
A brilliant one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don rushed out of the elevator, heading towards the conference room. He couldn't believe how late he was running; the film should have finished ten minutes before, and Charlie could not start his part of the presentation until Don had done his.
Wearing a black t-shirt and jeans, Don carried a Kevlar vest in one hand and two fake guns in the other. He had planned on showing a few moves with a volunteer, but now he wasn't sure if there would be enough time for that portion. He just prayed that the film had kept them occupied while he was gone- and that it was interesting enough for them to discuss afterwards.
His fellow agents' interest in the film was the only thing he needn't have worried about.
Don walked into the conference room auditorium, poised and ready for action. He boldly strode to where his bosses and the regional director sat, carefully dropping his materials on the table, offering his hand and an apology-
"I am sorry that I am so late- I hope my film kept my fellow agents engaged in my absence."
Don was not surprised to see glaring anger on the faces of his bosses. However, he was concerned when he saw that the director's face was scrunched up, like he was holding in a very bad sneeze; he really looked like he was on the verge of exploding.
Turning away with a concerned look on his face, Don walked up to Charlie, who kept his eyes downcast as his brother addressed him.
"Hey, buddy," he whispered, "Thanks for showing my film." He patted him on the shoulder.
Charlie mumbled something under his breath. Don leaned closer-
"No, I mean it- if it weren't for you, this day would have never happened."
At that, Charlie slinked away and leaned against the fall wall, his eyes never leaving the floor.
Don stood up straight; he tried to shake off a bad feeling he was getting from his brother's behavior. He was about to address his peers when Megan raised her hand, waving it to get his attention.
Now, what? he thought.
"Special Agent Reeves- I'm sure you have a lot of questions concerning the training video. I would rather you wait until I am done discussing it before asking them."
"First, I know you saw some good moves"-
Several agents started giggling.
Don paused, glaring in their direction.
He was surprised when his scowl had no effect on their behavior.
Deciding to ignore their rudeness, he continued-
"I am sure you also paid close attention to the attire that was worn"-
Other agents began snickering.
"Though I am sure it appeared that it was not much covering"-
There were more subdued trickles of laughter.
"It is exactly this type of clothing that you will need to wear if you want to get the most from your performance"-
Movement began to course throughout the auditorium.
"I hope you noted that the principles involved worked together to obtain their single goal"-
People were shuffling in their seats.
"And, in the end, that all personnel had any areas of concern covered in a pinch"-
Don stopped completely.
What the hell was going on?
He was looking at the individual members of his audience; most of them were hiding their faces behind the manila envelopes that held Charlie and his written report. Others were obtusely looking around the room, their eyes roaming from one place to the next- but none of them focused on Don. They all seemed to be having some kind of muscular fit, their faces pulled back in tight grimaces.
Looking to his left, Don stared at Charlie, who briefly met his eyes and then turned to play with the edge of the screen.
Something was wrong, very wrong.
Don turned and surveyed the audience. Megan raised her hand again, waving it so hard that Don was starting to get a headache from just looking at it.
"Yes, Special Agent Reeves?" he asked in an irritated voice.
"I don't want to interrupt your lecture, sir, but there seems to be a problem with this report you handed out."
Rolling his eyes, Don took a copy of the report from the hands of the nearest agent.
Perusing it, he looked up at Megan and told her he saw nothing wrong.
"Well," she said, licking her lips, "mine appears to be different from the agents on either side of me- could you come take a look?"
Since he wasn't keeping the attention of the rest of his peers, Don grudgingly squeezed his way up one of the aisles to Megan's row of seats. He then flattened himself so he could walk to the middle seat, where Megan sat.
"Let me see," he demanded, holding out his hand.
Megan kept the file on her desk, holding its edge tight, and pointed to a sentence at the bottom of the first page.
His directions having been ignored, Don leaned over to see what Megan was talking about-
Pinch!
Don jumped, straightening up.
There was no way he just felt what he did. There must be some very large mosquitoes in this place, he assured himself.
Bending only slightly this time, he again tried to see what Megan was talking about. Somehow, she had moved the file further away and as he bent over lower-
Pinch!
Standing straight, Don turned his body completely to face the person sitting directly behind his posterior. An innocent young agent turned her face up toward him, both of her hands clasped loosely in front of her.
He was about to quietly chide her disrespectful behavior when-
Pinch!
Don turned back around to face the questioning look of Megan-
Pinch!
Half back round again to the inquisitive face of Colby, who smiled mischievously at him, while-
Pinch!
Turn-
Pinch!
Turn-
Pinch!
Don tore the manila file from Megan, placing it across his ass, trying to move as fast as he could across the row, though fingers continued to work their way around the flimsy covering and pinch him once for each person he passed.
When he finally exited the row, his face was pale and his body tense.
He didn't want to, but he had to know if the regional director had observed the unprofessional- and crazy, what are they on?-behavior of his fellow agents.
Looking over the heads of his peers, Don's jaw dropped open when he saw that the director was staring straight across the room at him-
And was laughing.
And was holding up a DVD case.
A case with the words "Training Video" written in glaring, white letters.
Then, in response to Gray- who stood on his feet and held the DVD case next to his head in his left hand, while he waved his right index finger back and forth- those several hundred federal FBI agents stood up and gave Don a standing ovation, crushing him as he stood stunned in the aisle.
It did not take long, however, for Don's initial shock to turn to embarrassment, then to anger, then fury; and for all those emotions to turn toward the focal point, the cause of all the emotions that were boiling within him.
Charlie.
Don's eyes drove through the throng of agents to the front wall of the auditorium. When they arrived at their destination, they slammed into Charlie, who clung with sheer terror to the flatness behind him.
Charlie knew that look.
He knew because he had seen it so many times before.
He knew it from those times he had gone through those things that belonged to his brother.
Don had tried to kill him before- and he would probably do it now.
That same thought consumed Don's mind: I'm going to kill Charlie- no matter how many law enforcement witnesses there are to my crime.
With that single goal the driving force behind him, Don started pushing his way down the aisle, his body now numb to the pressing fingers of the agents he squeezed past.
He was only aware of Charlie.
Because they continued to stand in the aisle and give him a thunderous cheer, Don found it almost impossible to pass his peers; it took five minutes to make the 30 second walk down to where Charlie stood.
Charlie continued to stare in abject horror at his brother. He could not take his eyes off the living fury that came up and grabbed him by the lapels of his suit jacket. He could not turn away from the heat that emanated from Don's body as his own body tensed. He could not blink- not until his older brother's eyes were inches from his, and the anger behind them was too much to take, and he finally had to look away, had to look toward the floor again, and-
Charlie couldn't help it.
Every muscle in his body relaxed as he started to laugh-
And laugh-
And laugh.
Don pulled back from Charlie, tilting his head down so he could see his brother's expression. Because he knew his brother should be terrified, but it sounded like he was laughing.
He was right; Charlie was laughing.
He was laughing so hard that the only things keeping him from dropping to the ground were his brother's hands grasping his suit jacket.
Don continued to follow Charlie's line of sight-
Backing up slowly, Don loosened his grip on Charlie as he let his brother collapse to the floor.
The total humiliation of the situation drove out the anger in Don and left him without the energy to fight back.
Being who he was, though, he calmly turned from his brother's hysterical laugher, took his sunglasses from his pocket and put them on, walking with his head held high as he exited the auditorium.
Merrick and Donaldson watched Don leave, plotting in their heads the best way to make the agent pay. Next to them, Gray read their minds, clasped them with one hand on each of their backs, and spoke up merrily-
"I'm going to be honest- this was the best- and I mean best- conference I have ever attended. I'll make sure there are commendations for you two in my report."
When Gray started to leave the startled men (keeping Don's DVD with him- hell, they had a lot of mutual friends in Albuquerque) he turned and added with a commanding voice:
"And as for Eppes- I expect you'll be reportinga commendation for him as well- and nothing else."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Though Don walked down five halls, went up ten flights, and traveled all the way through the bull pen to his desk, somehow, he could not shake the laughter.
He sat at his desk, leaned his head back and sighed.
After relaxing that way for five minutes, he stood up and looked at his clothing.
Sighing again, he began to meticulously pull out the singles and fives that so many eager hands had deftly shoved into the waistband of his jeans, all during his passionate flight to kill Charlie.
Two hundred and forty eight dollars later, he figured-
"Hell, at least I got lunch money."