AN: I wrote this as a birthday post for a friend of mine who plays Will Scarlet at a Renassaince Faire. The other band members are also based on actors who filled their roles at the faire, but I think it's still funny even if you don't know who the people are exactly. Set in the future and in the style of a TV space western. Enjoy!
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The Adventures of Will Scarlet: SPACE COWBOY!
Episode 1: The FanGirl Menace
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Announcer: Welcome kids and housewives to the further adventures of Will Scarlet - SPACE COWBOY! Brought to you by opium: sweet sweet opium. When we last left our story...
fast clips ensue
Robin Hood: Oh no, Space Monkeys! What are we gonna do Will!
Marian: Hi-yah!
Friar Tuck: Will...I'm pregnant
Will Scarlet: (runs down the purple beaches of Jupiter shirtless)
Little John: Tuck, I'm pregnant
Will Scarlet: (saves a child - shirtless)
Jenny: I'm Pregnant - WITH CANDY!
Will Scarlet: (performs brain surgery - shirtless)
Announcer: and now we pick up with Will Scarlet - Space Cowboy! (Man is my life redundant)
Exterior Shot of the Golden Hind, spaceship of all spaceships.
Interior shot, Fanny Little is in the kitchen sneaking
Fanny: sneaks
John: Hi
Fanny: scream!
John: scream!
Fanny: John! You can't scream! My soufflé will fall! My special surprise birthday soufflé for captain will scarlet, captain of the golden hind, whose birthday it is today and for whom I have made a cake.
John: uh...
Fanny: Never mind!
Jenny Wren enters with a hey nonny nonny
Jenny: Hey! Nonny Nonny!
John: That's Nanu Nanu
Fanny: Quiet John! Jenny did you get the decorations!
Jenny: I sure did, but I wish I had been in charge of cake.
Fanny: NOOOO way! Not after last year! That cake was supposed to be for all of us!
John: We didn't think you'd ever wake up from that diabetic coma.
Fanny: Shush! So what colors did you get?
Jenny: Well, I got Red, Maroon, Brick, Carmine, Burgundy and Crimson
Fanny: Perfect! Now we just have to get them up without him seeing it!
doors open and make that futuristic 'whoosh' sound. Will Scarlet - SPACE COWBOY, enters with a swagger and a twinkle
Will: Why hello!
Will's eyes: twinkle
Will's teeth: gleam
Will's pecs: yo wassup baby, you want some?
Fanny: Will what are you doing here! Uh... aren't you supposed to be doing...that thing?
Will: What?
Fanny: You know, that THING, that it is that you DO. Right now. That isn't' in the kitchen.
Jenny: I'm standing right here!
Fanny: facepalm
Will: Now now, my merry crew, I know what this is about.
Little John: You do?
Jenny: ah peas!
Will: That's right I do. You think that because I am so devilishly handsome and perfect in all ways known to man that my place is fighting great wars and snorting space coke off a hooker's ass. That I am just a solid ball of perfect.
John: uh...
Will: But that's just not so, in fact - we're about to have - A CREW MEETING ABOUT THINGS OF SECRETUDE!
Fanny: zwah?
Will: That's right, follow me to the bridge!
doors make ultra cool whooshing sound again
cut to:
Bridge. The Merry Crew is assembled. At the forefront is Will Scarlet - SPACE..ah fuck it, you know who he is.
Will: Merry Crew!
Crew: Hey HEY hey!
Will: Now you may have wondered why I brought you here today.
Tuck: I wasn't - I was too busy being lost in your eyes Will Scarlet
Will's eyes: twinkle
Will: Ah Tuck, you silly man. In all seriousness I have gathered you for a very special reason and that reason is so important, in fact, the most important thing that could ever ever befall a ragtag group of misplaced superbandits in space. You see I...
COMPUTER FREAKS OUT!
Will: Well gosh darn the luck! I guess it'll have to wait, what's the status Lt. Marian?
Marian: Well sir, it looks like an incoming transmission has broken through all our things with technical names and it's so powerful that all the girls are suddenly wearing bikinis!
Robin: Those bastards!
STATIC CLEARS AND : THE SHERRIF OF NOTTINHAM GAMMA SECTOR APPEARS.
Sheriff: leer
Crew: gasp
Tuck: HEEEEEYYYYY SHERRIFF!
Sheriff: Hello Merry Misfits this is a special transmission coming to you Via my ship the Silver Lucra. We have you caught in a tractor beam THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
camera shakes violently, the crew throw themselves to the floor
Jenny: This does NOT ROCK!
Little John: What are we going to do! Nobody gets off the Silver Lucra alive! I'm too pretty to die!
Will: Don't worry Merry Crew, no need to panic.
Robin: Boy Will you sure are brave. I mean as the new leader of the Golden Hind this is all up to you, the lives of all your crew mates and who knows how many others, your own reputation as a fearless leader or turn tail coward hangs in the balance, every move you make could end in doom while during my time as captain it was all margaritas and mardi gras parties except for that one time that potato bugs took over the ship and man oh man was the totally gross -
Will: SHUT UP!
Robin: Aye aye sir.
WHOOSH goes the door, in come the Guards - a Kung Fu Hustle ensues
In the midst of the carnage the crew escapes, but not seeming to notice that the guards continue to pummel each other with reckless (richard?) abandon.
Fanny: Phew, that was close.
Will: We're not out of the woods yet
Fan Boy: see now that is obviously a throw back joke to reference the bands merry roots as outlaws in the woods -
Jenny: EJECTOR SEATED!
Nerd dies in space
Marian: Captain, my beeping handheld device thingy says that there are life forms up ahead, two of them...no wait three...the last one is pure EEEEEEVIILL!
Little John: We're doomed!
Will: not if I have anything to say about it - Merry Crew, split up and find ejector pods, try not to get lost, eat food that doesn't belong to you, have sex and get caught or other such clichés.
Crew: Right!...aww man, what a hard ass...mumble grumble
MUSIC OF TENSION... TENSION TENSION..SNEAK SNEAK SNEAK
our hero will scarlet turns a corner and comes face to face with!
a space shark!
Will: Oh no!
Shark: RAR! EAT HUMANS! CHOMP CHOMP!
they battle in a large ball of smoke with various limbs poking through until finally the smoke clears and Will is wearing the shark as a scarf - his hair of course, is perfect
Will: Just when he thought it was safe to go back in the water. haHA!
Sheriff: Bravo will scarlet you have bested my shark. Poor Franco.
Will: YOU! Let my ship go Sheriff!
Sheriff: Your ass is mine Scarlet!
Will: Woah, what kind of cowboy do you think I am?
Sheriff: I wish I knew how to quit you. Oh wait I do, by DESTROYING YOU! lunge
Will swings from a conveniently located rope to safety
Will: haHA, you seem to forget Sheriff the last time we tangoed, I won!
Sheriff: I do, and though I'd love to kill you myself I cannot bring myself to destroy such perfect abs. So I will let someone else do it for me.
Will: hummana QUE!
Sheriff: YES! Meet my secret weapon - MARY SUE!
Mary Sue: Let's do this!
Will: a GIRL! But I can't, the laws of chivalry!
Sheriff: I know! Genius isn't it! Now I get to watch you get your ass handed to you on a plate by a girl. And we all know...I like to watch.
Will: you sick fiend!
a one sided battle begins with all sorts of exciting maneuvers, our hero will scarlet dodges blows from the enraged Mary Sue, all the while listening to her horrible horrible plans
Mary Sue: and then I'm going to write a story where The Phantom learns to forget Christine and totally falls in love and does it with a girl with long black hair who loves him despite his face! And then I'm going to write an X-man story where Rogue is Killed and Gambit totally falls in love and does it with a girl with long black hair who loves him despite his accent! And then I'm going to write a story where Sally never existed and Jack is actually in love with a girl with long black hair who loves him despite his lack of visceral organs!
Will: No stop! No more! Not even my perfectly seashell shaped ears can bear to hear anymore!
Sheriff: BWHAHAHAHAHHA! It's like Christmas - which incidentally is CANCELLED! HAHAHAH! I am SUCH a DICK!
locked in a stance of defiance both combatants struggle to overpower each other
Will: Mary Sue, there is good in you - don't go over to the dark side!
Mary Sue: You don't know Will Scarlet! How could you!
Will: I see someone looking for love in all the wrong places! Someone who needs somewhere to belong - listening to my counseling and together we can overcome this! Why must you hate me so!
Mary Sue: Isn't it obvious! I am ... YOUR TWIN SISTER!
Will: WHAAAAAAAAA!
Sheriff: Oh Snap!
Mary Sue: That's right! The story of twins, separated at birth, by 6 months, sold to different sides of the universe, one grew up to be a dashing space cowboy pirate starship captain pilot and the other was totally a hot chick with long black hair!
Sheriff: Dude that is really messed up. I'm out of here!
Sheriff rides away on a Dragon..yeah, a dragon!
Sheriff: Good luck with her Scarlet - you'll need it HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I CANCELLED CHRISTMAS I TOTALLY WENT THERE HAHAHAHAHAHA!...
Will: Can it be? A sister! Well, you do have long black hair, and if there is a story, then it MUST be true and we only have a few minutes left to resolve this episode - I BELIEVE YOU!
Mary Sue: Bro!
Will: Sis!
They embrace and then the Merry Crew, who has all managed to find each other and find their way to the room on this strange vessel, appear!
Robin: Will! Quickly! We've defeated the guards, gotten our ship back, deployed a radio message for help, had several hilarious adventures and pressed the ship's destruct button all while the attention was focused elsewhere!
Marian: don't ask.
Tuck: Let's get out of here like O.J in a bronco!
all run to the Golden Hind, which doesn't have a scratch on it, and they take off as a huge explosion happens!
Jenny: Explosion! Hardcore!
Cut to: the ships' deck where the Merry Crew with newly added member Mary Sue celebrate Will Scarlet's birthday
Mary Sue: So that means it's my birthday too right!
Tuck: Shut the hell up woman!
Fanny: Happy Birthday Will!
Will: I must admit, I love my thighs and the thought of them getting fatter on sweets tears at my soul - but Fanny, I just cannot resist your soufflé.
Fanny: aww thanks!...I think.
Marian: Will! What about that super information you were going to give us?
Little John: Yeah! Tell us Will! What is the super troubling and secret you were about to reveal!
Will: It breaks my heart to reveal this weakness to you, you who think I am a God among men and with just cause
Crew:...uh...
Will: No, don't try to make it easier, just hear me out. For lo these many years, I thought that your calling me Scarlet was an elaborate joke that I could never understand. After all, Everyday I wore my green commander's uniform while you all chose red.
Jenny: What?
Robin: Will, YOU'RE the only one in red.
Will: Yes, Robin I know that now for you see I (WILL LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA) am colorblind!
pause
Fanny: And?
Will: Don't make light of my illness Fanny!
Jenny: That's the big secret you're colorblind!
Tuck: Man, what a cop out that totally SUCKED!
Will flashes a smile
Tuck: Aww, how can I stay mad at you.
Marian: To Will Scarlet! Space Cowboy!
Crew: Cheers!
Mary Sue: Does that mean I'm colorblind too!
Tuck: I SAID SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH!
Announcer: And so we leave the Merry Crew and boyishly handsome Will Scarlet once more! Tune in next week when special guest Charro appears! Until next time Junior Space Cowboys! There that ought to keep the little bastards happy heh heh heh, man look at how hard I am! It's like an arm! Pass me that syringe would ya? what? what do you mean the mike is still on? Oh, son of a bi----static
CREDITS ROLL TO THE THEME FROM PERFECT STRANGERS
das end