A Series of Rather Awkward Ed-vents

Episode 3: Wasn't It Like An Ed-iot Summer
Part 1

With childish happiness, Ed played with the air conditioners over the seat as Eddy went back over his plan with an increasingly annoyed Edd.

"Okay Double D," Eddy hummed from him perch on the back of Edd's seat. "Once we get to Norfolk, the first thing we've gotta do is go out and get ourselves some killer new threads, a couple piercings, and maybe a kick-ass tattoo or three. Then we'll cruise the beachfront strip for some hot babes to hang with for the weekend…Maybe even get 'em to come back to our room to party for the next couple days and then come back to Peachcreek the coolest guys in TOWN!"

Edd simply snorted and, closing his laptop, turned to glower at Eddy. "Are you aware that this is a school sponsored trip, Eddy? That means we'll be under the supervision of chaperones for practically the entire duration of our stay."

"Yeah, so? We can still sneak off and go party a little…"

"Oh for God's sake! Eddy, it's mid-March!" snapped Double D. "Nearly every tourist trap and dive bar is closed for the season. How else do you think they were able to book our rooms so cheaply? Can't you put aside your hormones long enough to appreciate the educational opportunity we're being given? Must all efforts to improve our minds be forsaken for the cheap thrills and disposable pleasures offered up by the oversexed MTV garbage the media crams down our throat on an hourly basis!"

"Christ!" Eddy muttered, dropping back into his seat. "I just wanted to have some fun."

Again, Edd snorted. "I hardly see how repeatedly exposing oneself to hepatitis and a myriad of other STDs is fun."

Eddy pouted and angrily stuck his tongue out at his friend.

"There, there Eddy," big Ed said as he patted Eddy's head comfortingly. "Double D's just mad that he has to sleep with Rolf."

"WHAT!" Eddy and Edd screamed in unison, the latter's voice coming out strangled and mortified.

In a flurry of motion, Edd was over the seat and pulling Ed up by the collar of his jacket. "How do you know that! Who told you! WHO TOLD YOU!"

"Easy there, Mister Smarty-pants Angry Head…" Ed cooed, effortlessly picking Double D up and setting him back into his seat. "Now, you go to your happy place and calm down or else you'll have to set in the Naughty Corner."

Eddy stared. "Oh….-kay." He coughed then looked back at Ed. "I thought the three of us were supposed to be sharing a room?"

"That we were, Eddy!" chirped Ed. "But then Jonny and Plank decided to come along, so Ms. Applegate asked me if you and I could let them room with us. And I said yes, 'cuz Ms. Applegate's such a pretty lady and she's always being so sweet to me…"

"You did what!" Edd snarled, whipping around to glare at his dumb buddy. "Ed, how could you! And why for heaven's sake can't I room with you? It's only going you, Eddy, and Jonny."

"And Plank." Ed added.

For a moment, Double D stared at him, face white with rage. Then he exploded. "You must be joking! I have been cast aside for a piece of wood!"

"But Double D…" whined Eddy in mocking concern. "Aren't you always telling everybody not to tease Jonny about Planck because it might hurt Jonny's delicate mental state?"

"FUCK JONNY!" shrieked Double D. "What the hell about my fucking mental state?"

Eddy and Ed gaped in shock at him.

"Holy shit!" gasped Eddy. "Sockhead bumped this up to a Mature rating! That is so cosmically wrong…"

"That's because he isn't the Real Edd Double-D, but a Shoggoth sent to destroy us all! Stand back friend, lest you be engulfed by the fiend's roiling acidic folds!" Thinking fast, Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper emblazed with a hand-drawn Elder Sign. "Back! Back, filthy spawn from beyond! And give us back the mind of our dear Double D!"

Edd sighed. "Ed, what have I told you about those stories?"

"That I need a chant from the Book of Eibon first to banishing you, oh beast from the wastes of Antarctica?"

"No Ed. Now, put that silly thing away." On that, Double D slumped wearily back into his seat to brood.

Ed turned to Eddy as he tucked the Elder Sign away. "It's stronger than I first suspected. Carefully, Eddy. We must keep close watch upon 'Double D'—if he still exists…"

"I'm right with you, Lumpy." Eddy agreed, but for an entirely different reason. There was something a little queer about the way Sockhead kept freaking out…

…

…

Hurrying away from the others after receiving his room key, Edd did his best to ignore the way Eddy had been staring at him since that outburst on the bus. He could justify Ed's vigilance as being a misguided attempt to re-enacted some plot from Lovecraft or Dereleth, but Eddy…

Eddy knew. Or at least, he seemed to suspect the real reason behind all the sudden abnormalities in behavior. There could be no doubt now. Eddy had that glint in his eye, the look that said he wasn't going to give up until he found out just what the hell was going on. And when he got like that, there wasn't going to be any peace for Edd.

"Damn him and his stubbornness…" Edd growled to nobody in particular as he opened the door to his room and flicked on the light. He stood there, horrified.

It wasn't that the room was filthy. In fact, everything was spotlessly clean: carpet vacuumed, dresser dusted, table polished, fresh towels on the sink, and clean blankets on the bed. The only bed.

One bed.

Edd dropped his bag on the floor and collapsed into the chair, feeling his chest tightening with the threat of another attack. He tried to do as Father—a doctor—had told him to, taking slow deep breathes to calm down.

'It has to be a mistake…' Edd told himself, making sure he had his inhaler on hand. 'A silly mistake. Nothing to get excited about…'

Excited? About sharing a bed with Rolf? Oh, cursed vocabulary!

There was one way out of this dilemma.

He got up and went to the phone, ready to call the front desk and ask for a roll-away bed…then stopped.

Eddy was already suspicious enough. It would be all too easy for him to jump to conclusion about why Edd would suddenly order up a separate bed. And going to the chaperones about getting another room assignment would definitely raise more than a few red flags for Eddy. Oh, he could just hear the questions now:

"Hey Sockhead, what's the matter? You got something against Stretch? Why you been acting so funny about him, anyway? Afraid he's gonna mistake you for a sheep? And you know what sheepherders do with their sheep when they're alone, don't you Double D?"

But on the other hand, what would the others say if he didn't get a separate bed?

It was the proverbial 'rock and hard place' situation.

Hard… Oh Lord! When would the double-entendres cease!

"Hullo, persnickety Edd-boy!" Rolf barked the greeting as he clapped a friendly hand on Double D's shoulder.

With a scream, Edd went flying upwards. It took a moment for gravity to get the better of him and pry his fingers from the ceiling. He landed on his back in the bed.

Rolf stared down at him, concerned but friendly. "Is this some new fangled 'how-do-you-do', feeble booklover Edd?"

"Lover?" croaked Edd, feeling uncomfortably warm all of sudden.

"That is what I said. Are you getting weak in the upper stories, Edd-boy?"

"No!" Edd rasped, then got a grip on himself as he sat up. "No. I was…You startled me, Rolf."

"Sorry." Rolf sat down beside Edd, still giving him a worried look. "Are you alright, Edd-boy? You are looking like Nana's custard after it has been creamed. And you shake like it does, too."

Edd tried not to contemplate the risqué thoughts of diary items Rolf had conjured up unwittingly. "I—uh, I'm just feeling a bit queasy, Rolf. All the fast-food and the drive…"

"Rolf understands, sickly Edd-boy." As he spoke, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of oily looking liquid. He popped the cork out of the bottle, releasing a cloud of gas that took on the shape of a skull and crossbones. "Luckily for you then that Rolf has brought along One-Eyed Great Nana's Potent Medicine Brew, a cure for all that ills both man and beast."

"That's very nice of you, Rolf, but I think I just need to get a little air and then I'll…" Before he could escape, Edd found himself back on the bed with Rolf straddling his waist. In one brief and hopeful second, it seemed one of those little daydreams had come true but his hopes were dashed when Rolf forced a mouthful of vile tasting Brew down Edd's throat. He squirmed out from under Rolf, gagging and sputtering. "DEAR GOD! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!"

"That means it's working!" Rolf barked as Edd slammed the bathroom door.

Rinsing his mouth out over and over again, Edd vainly but valiantly attempted to get that taste out of his mouth. He gave up, resigning himself to a lifetime of tasting One-Eyed Great Nana' Medicine then noticed the dull ache in groin. He desperately assured himself that it was just a side effect of whatever it was Rolf had given him, but that was a lie. This was an ache he'd been having on and off again for months.

Oh lord. He couldn't hide the bathroom all night and it would be rude to spend the next three days holed up with Ed, Eddy, Jonny, and Plank. On the other hand, Edd realized that the longer he was alone with Rolf, the more likely it would be that the naïve fellow would notice…

"Okay, Eddward, think!" he muttered to the sink. "You've kept it secret this long. Why should this time be different? Do is what you do: take a really cold shower and calculate PI to the millionth decimal place again. Or go back over the various species of ants. Just don't think about Rolf… Just don't think about Rolf…"

The moment he said that, Edd's thoughts immediately turned to the other boy. Whom he'd had a crush on since seventh grade. Who was also the closest thing he had to a friend besides poor, lovable, long-suffering Ed and Eddy— when he wasn't being a manipulative jerk. And Rolf was going to be sharing the same room—the same bed— with him for the next three days and two nights.

He was going to be taking a lot of cold showers…

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(To be continued…)