Love, Life and All That Jazz

A/N Hello people, this is my first try at Fanfiction. I've read millions of them and loved quite a few. However I was just struck by the thought that what if Hermione read them? Well so this is her reaction to all of it………………………

Please read and review, I'd love to get feedback on this chapter and of course, there's lots more where that came from…………

Love

Lightening

Dearest Fanfiction Writers

Hello. I'm Hermione Granger. Yes the same Hermione Granger, whose character you all are so ruthlessly murdering in your 'wonderful' stories.

First of all, let me offer my profuse thanks for the enormous amount of unwanted interest you take in my lowly life. Seriously, even my parents have never taken that much interest in my life.

If I was a movie star and you guys the paparazzi, I would have complained to the police. But since neither of us is either of the above, I don't even have that luxury.

However, by writing this letter I hope to appeal to your better selves to stop the massacre of the image that I have formed since the first day I stepped into Hogwarts…

First things first. My hair is bushy. Yes BUSHY. Which means they resemblean owl's nest. (Sigh After 27 years of having them I've finally hardened myself against the fact.)

So get over it.

Just because I spent EIGHT hours before the Yule Ball, in fourth year, trying to get my hair to resemble something, doesn't mean I have enough time for it everyday. And if potions did nothing for me in Hogwarts, then they won't do anything for me now.

This also means that my hair do not 'cascade' down my back, they do not form 'small, delicate ringlets at the tips' and they don't 'sway back and forth' as I move. Actually, they pretty much don't do anything except detract from the character of my face.

Another thing- My hair are BROWN in color. Just plain brown. They're not 'honey colored locks', neither have I dyed them 'a dazzling shade of golden-brown', neither are they the color of 'morning sunshine'

(The sun is YELLOW-ORANGE! HONESTLY, where DO you people get these ideas from?).

And don't you know that golden highlights went out of fashion in 1887? (Don't mind me. I know lots of people who look really good with highlights, but I, unfortunately, don't belong to the category of those 'Chosen Ones'.)

So please, please do me the kindness of removing all these 'hairy' endearments from your lovely stories.

If it's God's will that my hair remain like they are, then so shall it be.

Now coming down (literally!) to my face...

W-E-L-L, I've never been troubled by all those skin conditions like acne and freckles, for which I'm eternally grateful.

But my skin is not really something that would make Angelina Jolie blush.

My eyes are also BROWN. Although I flatter myself that they're quite exquisite (to tell the truth, they're the only part of me I really love).

But even I cannot say that they're 'Radiant honey colored orbs' (Seriously, what is it with you guys and honey?), and they're not really 'the warm color of hot chocolate' (How can hot chocolate be warm, care to explain?) and though they're warm, vibrant, lively enough, I guess, they're not really 'pools of chocolate in which you can melt' (Firstly, you cannot melt in pools. Secondly, if this was so, then 'The Wizard of Oz' would have been made starring Hermione Granger not Judy Garland and lastly, First HONEY now CHOCOLATE. Talk about obsessed!)

And as for the next person, who calls them blue / aqua / grey / green / golden-brown, well one word – B-E-W-A-R-E !

And I have no idea who started this one (lucky you are or you would have been killed by yours truly) but I am not, I repeat NOT anorexic and neither am I suffering from bulimia. I am perfectly healthy, thank you and I intend to remain this way. I've never thought of myself as fat and so I don't need to diet (or throw up). Imagine my husbands reaction if I got caught up in that fad! (Husband huh……won't you like to know wink……hah!)

And as for er……. other parts of my anatomy…

Well I'm quite okay-ly endowed, but I really don't have those gravity-defying basketballs that you've bestowed on me. Thank heaven for small mercies, because if I did, then as according to Newton's law of Gravitational forces I wouldn't even have been able to get up, much less do anything.

And I'd be really grateful if you stop making allusions to it, because face it; it is really embarrassing for a girl to come across such descriptions while reading her own life story.

And my legs are not 'miles' long. They're good enough for walking, running, and other things that legs are meant for. However I did NOT show them off at ever chance I got at Hogwarts. (Not that I got any chances anyway) Because as you all seem to have forgotten, robes cover up every part of your body, and the dress code at Hogwarts were ROBES

And do you have any idea, HOW difficult it is to get a proper wax job at Hogwarts?

I don't use magic for these things because something always goes wrong. Like the time I tried to give myself a magical haircut in my seventh year at Hogwarts. Well…er…lets just say, at least my eyebrows grew back again.

Although all this isn't that much of a difficulty if you're roommates with Parvati and Lavender. They have a cure for almost every beauty ailment under the sun (except perhaps 'How To Grow Eyebrows Back')

And just as an after thought, 5'7 is not really short. So I'm not this 'tiny, petite little thing, on whom the wind dare not blow too harsh.'

So all in all I'm not particularly beautiful. I don't mind. I've seen people like Chang, totally beautiful on the outside but Devil's incarnation inside.

I am writing all this to remind you guys of something which all of you seem to have forgotten----

I'm Hermione Granger, not a blonde, petite, golden-voiced angel, or any of the people you've been trying to change me into, but just plain HERMIONE GRANGER.

So deal with it

And even after all the problems I've faced because of not being beauteous in the orthodox sense (the comments, notes, etc., etc.)

I really love myself, really and truly. And that's what makes me really beautiful. Because after all it is special to be so important in the world that no one else can be you.

No not even with a Polyjuice Potion...and no...if you're wondering...I didn't become a philosopher after leaving Hogwarts.

Well all I'm saying is that if a guy can only like me if I change everything about myself and become something else……

Believe me---- He's so not worth it

Signing off

LOVE

Hermione

A/N So loved it/ hated it please be sure to tell me. I know these things have irritated many more people apart from me. And the next chapters concentrate on the clichéd plots. So tell me about those things which have irked you in Fanfiction. Everything, Hermione's- Plots, dress, style, etc., etc.Please send me your ideas

Till next time

Love

Lightening