Something that my friend and I wrote in music cover coz we were bored. Enjoy! Or, you know, send me to the loony ward. I probably deserve it.

I'm reposting this - my former version had celeb bashing which isn't allowed, so I went back to change it.

"I really doubt that there'll be an incredibly attractive American exchange student with a dark and tragic past," Ron said casually over dinner. Harry nodded.

"I agree. I mean, it's never happened before. Why should it happen now?"

And then she walked in.

Actually, she didn't walk, it was more like floating. Yes, that's it. A very gorgeous cloud, floating along.

Yes, here come the reams of tedious description

She had long glittering, shiny, glistening, sparkly, pearl sheened, shimmering golden hair, which, for obvious reasons, helped her to communicate with animals. Which did, on occasion,come in handy.

She was wearing school uniform under a long, flowy azure blue cloak, which she flung aside, casually yet sexily. On her shirt was embroided the sacred symol of the Nhuggle Nhuggle tribe, the sacred sign of tgtrgergerg$g iluhtb$:;;;

Her sunray tresses, although tied back for safety reasons (trip hazard and lust induced fainting) but they still flowed with long gorgeousness.

She was bright blue, which somehow looked great with her glittering, shiny, glistening, sparkly, pearl sheened, shimmering golden hair , (which was, by the way, COMPLETELY NATURAL!)

She defied the laws of man and physics by being both ludicrously skinny but at the same time, sexily curvy. Those curves were, it goes without saying, in all the right places. Her amazing body was enhanced by the way she'd artfully ripped her school shirt to show off her midriff, and her skirt to show off an endless pair of legs. The teachers were, by the way, completely cool with this. School rules always change to accomodate attractive people.

She also had a pale green birthmark in the exact centre of her back, a birthmark oddly resembling Michael Jackson. This meant that she had a spritual connection with him which, again, came in handy.

"Ah hee hee hee!"

The freaky laugh sounded weirdly beautiful coming from her pouting lips.

"I am like, so PSYCHED to be here! I'm Tia, and I'm from New York/Tokyo/Third World (A/N, sets her up for a tragic past, comprende?)

Many fainted from this sheer coolness. Tia looked concerned, as she was obviously an incredibly nice person, but didn't bother to go and help sort them out.

"Is that why you're like, blue?" Dumbledore asked. He was English, and therefore didn't know the meaning of the word 'tan', because us Brits are dead ignorant. And also, he was too busy building an ark.

Tia shook her head, and said modestly,

"Actually, no. My unusual colouring is because I'm descended from royalty. My father is the fairy king of all Canada."

"So you're a fairy?" Harry (for no conceivable reason) grinned. Tia shook her head.

"No. I'm half fairy, half vampire, my best friend's cousin's accountant's sister is Voldemort's hairdresser (well, wig dresser. Voldemort is actually bald.), so we're practically related, I'm also half elf, half eskimo and half chav. Yeah but no but yeah but..." (If you're not british you probably won't get that. You want an explanation, review and ask)

"I now understand the logic of your being blue," Dumbledore said understandingly and wisely, because everything Dumbledore says is wise, and the author feels it necessary to point this out. "Would you like to tell us about your past? We're all a little too cheerful at the moment."

Tia looked horrified about talking about all her emotional scars, but quickly got over it.

"I was captured by evil plastic surgeons when I was two," she explained, "You see, they had an evil plot to turn the human race into bikini models. However, Michael Jackson resued me through our psychic link and returned me to my father. Then some more angst happened. Then I ate a muffin. Then there was more angst, which I'm too angsty to talk about. "

"Wow! Do you think we're soulmates?" Harry asked. Tia nodded.

"You'd be surprised by the statistics, it's actually very likely."

"Cool. Carry on."

"Forsooth and lackaday," Dumbledore said wisely, "A tragedy that is!"

"Word," Ron nodded, "Those plastic surgeons are a bitch, yo."

"Prithee, let ye the ladye speak," Dumbledore reprimanded wisely.

"But verily, all was not well," Tia continued, "A prophecy was spoken."

"By who?"

"My pedicurist."

"Ah."

"It goes:

Ye olde chav shall hook up with an elfe,

And the blue sexy one shall be born,

And some angsty stuff will happen

And then the Blue One must wed the Tyrant

The whole Hall gasped in unison, because that's what people do.

"Who did you have to marry?" Harry said in horror. Tia closed her eyes, looking close to tears.

"I married..." she took a deep breath, to build up suspense, "A double glazing salesman."

I might get a bunch of reviews going 'You think this is funny?' but don't blame me, blame my negligent music teacher who doesn't bother to teach us and leaves us with incompetent physics teachers.