Friends

The Exile had taken my hobby of watching and was gazing at her own little troop. She watched people she brought into the Force with more of a motherly gaze, affectionate, respecting, and a little baffled. And I knew I watched those of mine differently. I gazed at them as I gazed at her, possessive, considering, like pawns that held no secrets and wanted to be used.

It was not something I could help, and it was not a sign of the darkside. How else can I look at people when this is all I have seen them as my entire life? When I first met Liam I saw in her the general of mine she would be, I saw what I could say and how I could say it to make her do as I wanted. How can you not know a person when you know all the outcomes associated with them? How can you not be possessive when you have already used them for your own gain, when you know their hearts and their minds?

Her current troop was new to me and I glanced towards them. They were easy to read and not as new as I originally thought. Bao-dur, technician. He fought for me in the Mandalorian war and ran from me in the Sith Wars. Atton Rand, one of my Sith taskforce, Republic soldier I kept from one war to the next. This Mira was a new character to me, though I had personally killed her parents.

One of the bad things about being able to see past and future on will is to know exactly how you have affected every person in your social sphere. There is a man who works in the cafeteria here to whom I personally killed his immediate family, had killed many in the branching tree of his family. He doesn't look at me like he knows but that's never really the issue.

"You're brooding," Carth said, probably trying to sneak up on me. I looked over at him and shrugged. "What are you brooding about?"

"Reflecting, Carth, use the self denying Jedi term. I was reflecting on the differences between Liam and myself."

"Yea?"

"Yea. The Jedi will do well with her."

"What about you?" he asked, frowning. Oh, they banish me in about ten to fifteen years. This I did not say.

"She does not treat them as the tools she used them as. She has a… strange interaction with them. Familial, but still under her power. No… under her protection. It is not how I view my men." Why did I feel the need to actually explain to him? He shrugged.

"I sincerely doubt Liam has commanded as many people as you, or given as many orders, or done as much. With her, with them, I think she needed them to get the mentality of you out of her mind. You deal with masses, Revan, it's a different mind set altogether…. Dealt with masses." I remember now why I confide in him. Because the great Revan would have no other than her equal, in mind and strength (if not Force power).

"I am… still adjusting. I'd tell you that it annoys me to be so slow at this, but you'd just respond that it annoys you that I think I can be adjusted a few scant months later."

"See, I married you for more than just the body. Revan, you ARE still human and no human can meet the standards you set for yourself. So, start dealing with it."

"I suppose I am getting used to that, too. Being human. I've been the general, the Sith Lord, the Redeemed Savior, the prophet, for too long."

"Don't worry, gorgeous, I'll be human enough for the both of us," he said, grinning. I smiled back because I could not see him smiling and not do so myself. Of course, because I was smiling and happy, something happened and pain ripped through my skull. If I were any other person, I'd think fate didn't want me to be happy when it kept ripping at me every time I grabbed a piece of bliss.

When the world reformed past the pain, I knew I was in the present and it was someone else's eyes. My first thought was Bastila, but I had just left her meditating in a butterfly garden. I saw the Disciple, Jay, leaning over the vision me. He was speaking but I couldn't hear him past the pain. The dead Jedi masters hung over his shoulder, talking rapidly. A glimmer of anger spread across the Disciple's face as he snapped back at one of them, regal in his morality. They merely shook their heads, turning back to the vision me, beginning with the pain again. I felt the beginnings of something terrible, a ripping of self, and knew what was happening and where.

"Those Mandalorian loving son of a…" I trailed off, thunder reverberating in the hall, and set off down the hallway, with Liam and her trailing geese following me and Carth at my side. I think Bastila joined somewhere along the way, asking no questions because she knew me too well. I went through several doors I wasn't supposed to, with their Jedi guards following annoyed in my wake. But they didn't stop me because there was murder on my face. I bust in on the Disciple and the dead Masters, my aura rippling along their shady bodies. "You will cease this NOW!"

"This must be done." That was Vrook, smug bastard. I speared him with my faded blue eyes cold and cynical.

"That is what you said when you did it to me, and I have a surprise for you. The bond with Bastila stove off Darth Dy'ean's influence enough. What you did wasted precious time with a quest to a place I knew well and was willing to go. All those that died in the interim, Bastila's own foray into the darkside, that's on you. But this atrocity I will not allow." So saying, I pushed outward with my aura and the Force, displacing their shadowy images with the vehemence of my rage at that moment.

I drew in a breath and let it out slowly. While I did not fear falling to the darkside, I always found rage useful for driving a person onward and there was no need for violence or action now. Jay shot his apology to me with his eyes, bowing his head in what might have been shame but I preferred to think was fear. I strode into the room and to figure bound to a slab of ceremonial marble. I quick gesture and the power of the Force had the bonds snapping aside and I sunk into a chair beside him.

When he opened his eyes, they were a familiar tear cluttered brown. "Oh, god, Revan, what did I do? What did we do?" The voice was not the one that had lulled me to sleep in our younger years, that metallic tinge tainting something I held dear. And because I owed it to him, I reached within that deep, bottomless well inside me that I pulled the Force from and spread a warmth of healing across his face, stimulating the growth of bone and muscle and skin. Metal clanged to the floor beside the marble slab. "I think I missed the feeling of your healing power," he said softly with the voice that I had remembered.

I took another deep breath but it didn't help. I cracked and wrapped my arms around him, shuddering. I think it was me who was repeating 'I'm sorry' softly, but I couldn't be sure.

Chapter Two

"This is insane! How can you be for this?" Bastila asked, her voice waking me from a very comfortable slumber. I was trapped between the warmth of a familiar male chest and the warmth of another familiar male chest. The world was groggy, safe, and happy, except for the concern and outrage in Bastila's voice and a slight tinge of unease in me. There was something I was forgetting.

"Enough, Bastila. I know the past between you two, hell, I have one of my own with him, but he stays and that's final," Carth said, a hint of steal in his voice. I love when he gets stubborn, even when it's at me. "She needs him," he added softly. I felt Malak shift, signaling he was awake.

"I don't want to cause her any trouble. I'll go," he said, that well known voice like music to me for some reason. Despite his words, he made no motion to leave, in fact, he hugged tighter to me.

"No. What you're going through now… I think only she can possibly relate to it, and that works the other way, too. Sort of a rather limited support group," he said, trying to lighten the mood. Malak chuckled softly at it.

"I should go," he repeated, his voice a whisper.

"You know, before Rev gets it into her mind to push you off into the darkside again and force you to do unspeakable things, have the galaxy hate you. Probably safer to run full speed the other way." I poked my head out of the covers and nestle of arms. His brown eyes wavered.

"Is that what happened? I thought I made my own choices. You told me to trust you, Revan. You asked me if this was what I wanted even through the consequences. And you came through on your part of the bargain. It was fair." He lapsed into silence, giving me a half grin. Fair?

"Yea, real fair." No, I was not fair. I was selfish and taking, forcing and manipulating. And Force forgive me, I would do it again in the same manner. I had my biggest recrimination within my hands and I would still have done it again.

"Don't start. Even if it wasn't fair, the cause was just. It was cold, Revan, I'll give you that, but it needed to be done. And very few would have had your strength in this, would have been able to do it, to consign themselves to be a monster even if it meant saving the Republic."

"I love how quickly you grasp the situation. How do you know I didn't just fall, wholeheartedly, and needed the great Jedi council to bring their stray back to the light?"

"Because you're Revan. You don't do any other than what you intend. And you spoke of this, long before it happened, theoretically. It puts a lot of things into place for me. You could have told me… but that would have changed outcomes, wouldn't it have?"

"I went through every possible scenario where I told you. If I had told you, you would have ripped my prophetic block away and we would have ruled the galaxy… and had several interesting babies, but that's beside the point."

"Yeaaa. You're absolutely right, Bastila. Okay, Legs, out of the bed," Carth said. Malak looked to me, then back to him and started laughing. I joined him, with Carth glaring at the both of us.

"I used to call him that too. Legs, or Domey. I rather liked Domey."

"I didn't. I preferred Legs."

"I know, Domey, I know."

"You are one twisted woman, you know that, Revan?"

"Yep." I looked from one to the other then dropped back under the covers. I could almost hear Bastila fuming in the corner of the room, could see Malak and Carth eying each other. But Malak dropped his eyes first, brooding.

"Were you ever tempted?"

"No, because Carth is sexier," I said quickly, purposely misunderstanding him. Carth chuckled and shook his head, then nudged me. I sighed. "No. I… I never wanted to rule, not really. I mean, it was a tempting thought, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And all those outcomes… none seemed really appealing."

"Well, I'm glad you've finally found your Carth, then," Malak said, and he gave up the conversation and snuggled back under the covers.

"What?" Carth asked quickly, looking from Malak, to Bastila, to me. Bastila looked just as confused. I wasn't. "Revan, explain, now, or I will start pinching you in awkward places." He would, too. Crafty swine.

"I knew your name, had many visions of you. Some were… the most peaceful things I had ever experienced." And I felt him brood, knew his question before he asked it, knew he felt like crap asking it.

"I was still married when you were having these visions," he started, unsure how to phrase what he wanted to ask. I held no such tact. Malak was right, though, I am cold. Did I kill his wife to get to him? I wish.

"In most of my visions, your marriage doesn't survive the Sith wars. In a few of them it does, but those lines end in destruction." I didn't say it. I didn't want to tell him in most of my visions where his wife lives she leaves him for always being away from home. And if he stayed at home, the Republic dies, he was just too influential a figure, too needed. I never had many visions of his wife; she was beyond my scope and control. Even so, I had tried to aim for her life, but the path I chose forked both ways when it came to her. She was an unknown in my equations. He sensed more but said nothing.

"I still don't like this," Bastila said. I had almost forgotten she was there. Whether she decides to trust Malak or not doesn't weigh heavily on the future. She is, always, a Jedi Knight, and will treat him with whatever the council decides is fair. I knew personally she had a kind heart, able and willing to forgive, wanting to, needing to. And I had no doubt that in time she would do so with Malak.

"I know, Bastila. This is not fair to you, him or me. I cannot ask that you forgive him for what he did to you, but I do ask that you either avoid him or be civil. I suppose this extends to Carth, as well. This is more than… not fair. It boarders on sadistic." Often it is what I do not say that is important. I could see the both of them thinking about what I said. Well, Bastila thought. Carth more waved it off quickly. The man makes his own mind up.

"Respectfully, Revan, it wasn't you who tortured me in that dark place, made me your apprentice," she said coolly. I met her warm gray eyes with my faded blue ones.

"Ah, but I am inexorably entwined in your downfall. It was my darkside that led you, my inability to save you that brought you there, me who led him on his downfall, taught him how to covert a person. And you'd be surprised at what I see in my visions," I said. Yes, I saw Bastila's fall from far away. It was a consequence rather than a necessity, a hindrance that did not impede me much. Her eyes widened as she took that piece of information in. I continued, almost cruel, but I felt it needed to be said.

"Or is your problem, Bastila, that you see how I am with Atton, Tieriana, and feel the same towards him? Do you slip and almost call him 'My Lord Malak?' Or does he remind you of the parts of you that contributed to your fall?" I asked. I saw uncertainty bloom in her eyes seconds before she turned and left. She would go somewhere now, meditate on it like she should have done beforehand, and she would come to some conclusion then seek me out.

Malak sighed. "You cannot loose people close to you over me, Revan. I don't want to ruin anymore lives."

"Malak, shut up." I dropped my head to the pillow, intent on more sleep. Visions do that to me. Once, I slept for nearly a week after a particularly lengthy session. Malak sighed again, shot Carth a long suffering look. He laughed.

"This will be awkward," Carth said, extending a hand in friendship. Malak took it and they shook over my inert form. "We'll do fine, though."

"Yea, I mean, if he can forgive me enough to marry me, knowing I was the mastermind behind the whole thing, you're set. I mean, you're a bit player, Malak," I said, trying not to laugh at Carth's grin and Malak's dubious expression.

"Well, actually, Revan, I married you because I kind of wanted to put the spurs to the Sith Lord floozy behind all that destruction. It's really revenge. I promise."

"The only revenge is when you sing in the shower, Cowboy," I shot back, grinning. He laughed and pinched my side. And because I was happy and laughing, off guard, the vision came with its usual pain and oddly with a biting sense of helpless and misery. I was the would-be emperor again, in a ship above one of my worlds, blood soaked and curled in the fetal position.

As Darth Revan, I enjoyed blood soaked, even when it was my blood. All physical pain signified was battle well fought and mistakes well made. There was someone crying in the background, but all the emotion that brought me, then and now, was annoyance at weakness. There was something particularly harsh and familiar about these screams and my blood chilled when I found the source.

Chapter Three

Now, I know I do this a lot, but my first thought was easily available ship with droid help, telling no one anything and taking care of business. I had done that to Carth before and heaven knows it wrecked him. I could always send a message when I get on the way. But he'd have every Republic ship looking to stop me, be hot on my heels, and besides, that was the coward's way. And, I took my wedding vows seriously… which was why I married him after my jaunt to kill Dy'ean.

I was in a state of mild shock now, wondering how something so large could slip past my all seeing eye. Revan, you ARE still human. Dy'ean was something of an intangible mystery to me, similar to Carth's wife, but different. His mystique lay in the fact that he was fickle, as malleable and changeable in motive and personality as the weather, definitely a force of nature. I can only assume he altered the course of his plans on account of using my knack for visionry for his own, which couldn't have been easy. But he was good at altering and suppressing and amplifying memories. It was a cornerstone to building his army. Know what to take away, what to suppress, what to magnify. For me, he took away memories of Jedi companionship, suppressed their teaching, and amplified their criticisms and doubts, and my own shady past.

With Bastila, it had probably been a suppression of praise and an amplification of my entrance into the temple as the Dark Lord. Where they looked at my unconscious form and decided desperate, dark things. Did they think of killing me? She would have been horrified, sick at the thought. I shook that line of thought off and glanced coyly at my companions. I had been silent for nearly a minute thinking, but with how I have visions….

"Oh no, I'm coming with you," was the first thing Carth said, clamping a hand on my arm. Damn.

"Where are we going?" Malak asked. Carth caught the 'we' part and grinned over at him.

"To save the Republic," he responded, because that was always the case. It's practically the official line now.

"No, this is personal," I said. He gave me an odd look. I know, I had an estranged mother that I felt nothing towards, but I was going off on a personal quest? A bit of a contradiction there. I turned to Malak and touched a hand to his temple. He grabbed at his head, let the vision fill him, then collapsed unconscious. "We should go before he wakes."

"That's cruel, Rev." Yea. And? Because he had been on the receiving end of my crippling absences his eyes held sympathy and a plea. I ignored both; this was not something I would do with Malak. I scurried around our rooms, packing us both with the basic assortment of clothing and weaponry. We headed to the docked Ebon Hawk, which had been regifted to me by Liam. I stopped off by the tech center to grab my droids from their routine cleaning before heading in. Bastila was onboard, waiting and asking no questions.

"No." I was not doing this with her, either. She may have felt as abandoned by me as Carth did but I was not taking her. "I need you to stay…. Malak will be pretty ripped by what I showed him. Can you… take care of him? If not, you know, I'll tag Liam for it. They were friends once."

She sighed. "My Lord Revan, you know I would do whatever you asked of me. But I've seen inside your head. I'm coming with you." Oh, bloody freaking Nal'hutta slime pit. No. Bad, Bastila. 'My Lord Revan?' Sarcastic twit. Where was a rolled up newspaper when you needed one? Maybe there was a spray bottle onboard. I had taken several minutes to draft Malak an apology and I was sure he'd be okay, but I still wanted Bastila to stay with him. Okay, I really just not wanted her to come. I was definitely glaring at her, because Carth tugged on my arm.

"We'd love your company, Bastila. Revan isn't very good at the sharing emotions and problems or the asking for help." Crafty, crafty man. She knew, and she was far more likely to talk than I was. I took a deep breath, blew out a sigh.

"Carth," I began, but he whirled on me, genuine anger in his eyes.

"No, Revan. You don't know what you do to people when you leave. She and I made a pact in your absence. If either of us got in contact with you we were to tell the other. I'm not leaving her here. I'm not going to let you do that to her or me again," he said, then turned without a word and went to prep the ship for launch. I cursed under my breath, remembered why I was usually a solo kind of person, and headed after him.

"I hope you're packed," I said to Bastila as I passed her. She laughed lightly, shaking her head.

"I packed when you did," she called after me. Do I not have the most interesting people with me? Force, what if dear old mom found out I was leaving, or peppy sister Rhea? Would Mission have tried to tag along if she knew? Was I supposed to now send out messages saying 'Hey, I'm gone now. Might take me awhile. Be back before the holidays.' I'll let them do that and pretend they're not here. Except Carth. I can't really pretend he's not here.

He was stiff in the pilot's chair, emotion vibrating through his taunt body. I plugged in some coordinates in the navicomputer, not the destination so much as a good refueling and restocking post at the edge of space. "I'm sorry," I said, and felt inadequate. If any one emotion other than rage has followed me through out my life, it would be that one. I was inadequate as a friend, as a daughter, as a Jedi, and now, as a wife. That stung, a lot. I would have killed this galaxy for him, but just being who I am forces him through all sorts of pain.

He turned, looking confused. He held his arms out to me and I walked into his hug. "Just don't leave me again," he said softly, holding me tight. "I didn't mean to go off on you like that, it's just… when you got that look on your face, I was afraid. I don't want to be away from you, Revan; I don't think I could take that."

"I didn't mean to scare you. I don't know how to ask for help, only how to command it. And that usually gets people killed. The places I go, Carth, the things I see. They're dangerous."

"I'd rather die by your side then live alone."

"That's where we differ. I'd rather you live without me than see you die. I need you to live, Carth." That was the simple truth. I needed him. Me, the great fallen emperor, savior of the Republic, Jedi Master, needed him, needed something to balance the pain and darkness.

"I need you too, Revan. And these places you go, these things you see. You don't have to be alone anymore."

"I love you." Another simple truth. The facts of the universe as known by Revan. He smiled gently.

"I know, gorgeous, I know." He kissed the top of my head before turning back to the pilot's chair. "I'm going to get us underway, set the auto, then I'll be back to see you," he said. Unspoken was that he wanted an explanation. He deserved one and he couldn't be the only person on the trip not to know. But, Force, I didn't want to tell him. I was seriously more trouble than I was worth.

I went to meditate in the common room, listening to the ebb and flow of the ship, the light beeping of the control panels, the whirring of the droids as they set around the ship. I caught a mutter from HK47, something derogatory about Carth, and smothered a smile. I was going to have to upgrade him soon. Beyond that I could hear the breathing of my two companions, but I did not take it further to seek their thoughts. I had enough to contend with on my own. I widened my reach, caught the slumber of my sister at the academy, caught the faint edges of Liam and her troop, caught Malak still asleep, and the peace of the planet I was leaving behind. Ahead lay a familiar darkness, tame, one that would know me and despair. They were peaceful too, content in their routine.

The only one that wasn't peaceful was me and the ripples of unease I had made on my ship. I was angry, very angry. But I had learned long ago that most anger stemmed from hurt and fear. The hurt and the fear were there, beneath the surface. There was a tumultuous unease there, a loss of control, a helplessness. I hated feeling helpless; it made me feel like such a victim. I hated feeling like a victim. I was Darth freaking Revan. Revan, you ARE still human and no human can meet the standards you set for yourself. No, I suppose not, Carth. But human meant susceptible, weak, able to be a victim. And even in the height of my darkness I was still human, even in the height of my piety I was still human, and even now, I was still human. All thoughts contrary had been lies, and I try not to lie to myself.

I gathered the anger to me. Helplessness and hurt had no place here, now. I'll do the human thing of healing at a later date in time. Right now was a time for action, violence, and anger was very good for that. "I sense something darker about your aura," Bastila said. It's called anger, Bastila. She did not know me as the Dark Lord, not truly, or else this would not seem so dark. I, apparently, do nothing half heartedly. I glanced over at her. She mimicked me in meditation stance. Carth sat on a chair not far away, legs tucked under him, just looking at us. I let the anger bubble around me, controlled, leashed; and I loosened the leash just a touch.

"I was a ruler and destroyer of worlds. I was the most powerful Jedi Knight at one time. I was a general, an emperor, a Sith Lord. I am a prophet. Why couldn't I see this? Why couldn't I prevent this? I should have known better. I should have seen it in a vision. I was careless, sloppy. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should be better than…" my rant ended when Carth stood, crossed to me, and slapped me across the face. He grabbed my chin then, turned me to face him, and there was only a hint of anger in him.

"Damn it, Revan. You can't control everything. No one can. Whatever this was, it wasn't your fault, of that I am sure. It wasn't sloppy you didn't have the right vision at the correct time. It wasn't stupid that some things are beyond your control. You are my wife; I love you; but sometimes I feel like you need shaking. Love, you're mortal, you bleed like the rest of us. But you are not sloppy, or careless, or stupid."

I blinked at him, taking in the words and their meaning, letting them abate the fury and start the healing process. The fact that I calculate my grief and recovery should scare me, would annoy him. When I spoke, I was blunt, cold. I shied away from nothing; I wouldn't allow that. "Dy'ean was good at proxy. He used Malak to violate me and our child is elsewhere now, being raised by people of my choice and his control. He ensured neither of us would truly remember, but like the Jedi council found themselves, nothing is kept from me for long. I was still weak from childbirth when I fought with Bastila. There is something… fresh and pure in the mind of an unborn child."

He froze, pain in those expressive fall colored eyes. I could see the hesitation in him, what he should say, how to comfort me. I didn't need comfort. I needed to find my child, end that line of destruction before it began. No, this was not maternally motivated. Or, rather, not entirely maternally motivated. But offspring from two of the top force users alive today… in the hands of Sith disciples. Not a very smart idea. Especially since one of the parents was prophetic. No, not smart at all. "I warned you, Carth. I'm a bad bet." I hated seeing the pain in him and he knew what I was talking about.

"My revenge is complete then," he joked lightly, tucking me into his arms again. "You really piss me off, Revan. I'm not going to leave you when you need me. And I'm not weak or a coward, Rev. I don't need you to protect me from, of all things, loving you. I knew what I was getting into with you and while some things may come as a surprise, to both of us, I'm sticking by you. And you question my intelligence and strength when you try to warn me off. So, cut it out," he chastised lightly, holding tight.

"I only do it to piss you off," I replied. "You know, for the torture of singing in the shower." He laughed and shook his head.

"I am stupid in love with you, Rev. And I don't always know how to help you because you hand me some weird things, but I figure it out. Or you handle it yourself and run circles around me. Whichever." I kissed him lightly, placing my head on his chest, showing him that he knew exactly how to help me.

Bastila grinned over at us. "You guys are so cute together," she said. I stuck my tongue out at her and she laughed. She was probably figuring she was right in her estimate of us. Where I needed him to keep sane and he needed me for something similar. We were people broken by the galaxy and only kept whole by each other. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Chapter Four

It took us a month just to travel to the temple. It was not particularly a place of dark power because Liam has destroyed those. And since I planned that to happen, and had some say in were my child went, the child was not in a temple like that. We landed nearby, on an actual docking bay. I grabbed my weapons, donned a mask similar to one I wore as a Sith, flipped up the hood on my dark robe and headed towards the door. I stopped cold when they followed.

"No." Oh, so no. Not just no, but oh hell no. They gave me a worn look, one that meant to say I was being stupid. If only I had found that spray bottle. "I mean it, guys. No."

"Revan, you look like the Dark Lord. We are here to keep you from turning to the darkside," Bastila said.

"Or from random slaughter," Carth added. I sighed.

"No. HK, with me."

"Eager Query: Do you wish me to kill something now, Master?"

"Wait for them to shoot first, but yes." The droid actually looked happy. Common misconception was that I created him as the Dark Lord. Not true, I lost him on a mission to assassinate a Mandalorian soldier, before that last run, before I journeyed into the outer realms, before I searched for the Star Forge. I made him this way for a reason. And in forethought.

"Revan, we can either come with you or wait then follow. Your choice." Damn crafty Carth. I nodded.

"Don't ask questions. These are fanatics. If they shoot, don't think of them as people. And I will cut a swatch through them to get my child."

"I can feel the dark power here. If they wish to stop you from seeing your child, Revan… we are with you."

"Hell yea. I have no love for the Sith… well, except one," Carth said with a wink.

"Two, you forgot Dustil." That was a low blow, but proper revenge for him doing something as corny as winking.

"Sith Lord Floozy," he muttered. I laughed, he laughed, and we went. I received no trouble going in, but I knew I wouldn't. There were those that fell in supplication in my wake, kissing where my feet had walked. The child was a baby, not the five year old I was expecting. In fact, the child was about five months, which was about how long it had been since I had killed Dy'ean. He had set it for my child to be his successor, the training beginning with his death. Did he really think I wouldn't come searching? He always did underestimate me.

The baby was in a crib carved of black marble. Still, it was furnished with all the blankets and cushions a baby could need. There were some lighter colored toys in the room, probably because no one makes baby toys in dark colors. I was amazed, though, that they did seem to find so many dark colors for the room. There was a disciple smiling at the baby and singing softly. The song, of course, was bloody and sadly about me.

I looked at the child and felt a shudder go through me when she lifted her head to look at me, gave me a gummy baby smile. She had my eyes and a shock of hair the color of red gold, like my hair done metallic and tinted with blood. She reached for a doll and hugged it to her, still smiling at me. "The young lord seems unduly attached to that particular doll." Good to know, I'll take it when I take her. "Are you here to participate in her training? Young Morgan would do well from such a prestigious tutor."

"No, thank you, you may leave now," I said, walking toward Young Morgan in almost a daze. The disciple didn't move, merely frowned at me. I wasn't really paying him much attention, though. I was a mother. I had a child. She looked like me. And she knew me, had me written all over her. And she had the name of a lightsided Republic soldier that the Jedi council sent on a quest. I had given her that name without remembering the visions. I'm sure I thought only of the name a sense of peace. There would be hell to pay if anyone harmed her. "HK deact," I said quietly. He would not kill now unless I was harmed. No one would die on the way back because I would not kill in front of her, would not shed blood with her close. Was this parenting? Oh god, what did Carth feel seeing his adult son in that Korriban academy!

I scooped her up, gathered her close. She giggled and bounced when I did it, clutching her doll to her. On closer inspection, the doll was a cloaked girl with a mask. Me. I turned and left. The disciple let out a howl of fury, but I knocked him back with wind. I knocked everyone back with wind, sent the fury of moving air around me. And I shed no blood.

We made it back to the ship and took off. I think Bastila and Carth were surprised and proud of me. That was fine; I was more thrilled that the baby hadn't started crying on the way back. I settled her into my lap where she fell asleep and I curled next to her. I found in her when I had looked for in my sister, what was horrible in me. She had the prophet's dream, but that was one force power that I would make sure did not pain her as it had me. She would have training, would have proper blocking, and would be taught how to let the visions come without pain. I had learned the technique ages ago, shortly after my fall to the dark side. But with the bond with Bastila, I couldn't block her from my thoughts and the visions and the pain, as well as blocking myself from the pain. I'll get better in time, I'm sure.

The journey back gave me some time to learn things. I learned that I suck at dealing with children, including diapers, feeding, naps, ect. Carth, I learned, was really good at it. I would never have imagined it, but he really likes children. Morgan took to trailing after him. Bastila sucks at this as much as I do. But as much as she tries to hide it, she loves children too. I watch her with Morgan and know she will never be a mother of her own, but that she would enjoy it. Perhaps there is room for this in her future.

I watch Carth watching Morgan as she sleeps. He loves her already, but there is envy, jealousy in his eyes. He seems me in her, but I am sure he also sees Malak, too. He hasn't talked about it yet, but I know recent events couldn't be easy on him. We made it home, and headed to our rooms. I sent out the communiqué that I was back moments before landing… purposely not to give people time to gather in mass and mob me. We entered our rooms to find them wrecked. Carth laughed. "We were robbed!"

I shook my head. "Very mature, Malak!" I said, sighing. I didn't hear him coming up behind me and only noticed him seconds before he barreled into me, knocking us both to the floor. We slapped at each other like cranky children, both ignoring Carth and Bastila's laughing. "You got my message. This is just bound to anger me."

"Yea, you're short 'I'm fine, don't go sappy, be back with kid in a few' was just freaking eloquent." Yea, that was along the lines of it.

"Pull yourself together, Domey. If anyone is having an emotional breakdown, it's Carth."

"I hurt you, Revan. Things will be awkward now."

"Which is probably good, 'cause, you know, married." The hurt, puppy dog eyed expression he gave me had me sighing. Some people. "Just kidding. Malak, seriously, I'm cool. I'm a very resilient person and large amounts of kinky sex go a long way towards healing the body and soul." He nodded and pulled us both off the ground.

"Yea, so, why am I having an emotional breakdown now?" Carth asked. I rolled my eyes at him.

"It's obvious. I'll begin. You're wife dies and your son, too. You find later your son has joined sides with the people who killed your wife, but, you're able to patch things. You date for the first time after her death, fall in love, all that good stuff. Then, you find out that said person is responsible for her death. And remembers it. And forces you to accept it. Now, you find out she was abused as a child and as an adult. And has an illegitimate child with the man who was more directly related to killing your wife, whom she was very close to when she was younger." I waggled my eyebrows for effect. "All this, when you want a child with her yourself. Oh, and she sucks at love and sharing emotions. Plus, she left you randomly for nearly five years, then jaunted out again recently. And, creepy visions, night tremors, force powers, and thoughts and expressions that are stereotypically darkside, evil, wife-killing. Am I forgetting something?"

"Yes. That said man who was more directly related to killing his wife and you were very close to as a child is alive, well, and near you." Malak waggled his eyebrows, the only hair on his head, as well. "And wants to raise our baby together."

"Oh, you also forgot that you're blunt, occasionally cruel, weird, and prone to extreme honesty," Bastila added. I glanced to him and nodded.

"Guys, gimme a moment," I waved them out into the hall, where Malak and Bastila could chat, and Malak could meet his daughter. I didn't want them to see this; it borders on demeaning and is sadly true. When the door shut behind them I walked over to him, wrapped my arms around him, put my head on his chest. "Thank you for being strong for me. I couldn't have gotten through this without you. I'm sorry to keep hurting you like this." I had pushed every one of his buttons in sequence. And played up the soft and feminine card. He was all but butter before me. He laughed and hugged me close.

"I can't tell if you're full of it, or being serious."

"It's a bit of both." He laughed again.

"Revan, we'll get through this. We'll be fine. It'll be difficult, but if I've never taken the easy way out of anything. And I do love you. I love Morgan, too. Seeing you with her, how much you enjoy it…. And I think I like Malak. Not sure yet, though. Yes, I agree, it is a lot to deal with but… well, I guess I am like you in that respect. Resilient, you called it, but we bounce back quickly. I think we both learned long ago that life will always go on, whether you're onboard or not."

"I'll aim for openness. I think if I show you more, explain to you more, that it will make things easier." He nodded, then hesitated.

"Did you… love Malak?" he asked. Drat, I forgot that one on the list. I hadn't even thought he would think I was involved with Malak, was in love with him.

"Yes, but never in that way. Malak and I grew up together. He was always… painfully neuter to me, because I needed him to be. This whole fiasco hurts him because I was his only family, too, and he thinks he destroyed that relationship we had. It's… changed now, more because of what I did to him and how I feel about it, though. He'll be fine, though, because he knows I have you for that now."

"He'll probably also be jealous because I get nakie privileges."

"Oh, absolutely," I joked back. I stood there for a moment longer, not playing the soft and feminine bit anymore. I just wanted to hold him for several seconds, with the distant sounds of Malak, Bastila, and Morgan playing and happy.

"I love you like this."

"Soft and feminine? Man, you married the wrong girl," I shot back softly, not giving my moment yet.

"No, Rev. The surrender of a strong woman. The strength and pain set aside for the moment because you need me. It makes me feel special." Force, but he was stupid and blind.

"Carth, you are special. You have to be completely blind not to realize how incredibly amazing you are. That you are here, with me, after everything. The path of this has been downright sadistic, to both of us. All the doubts you should have, that you are more than entitled to… and yet, you are here, telling me that just by holding you like this you feel special. I am not the woman you fell in love with but you love me all the same." He was quiet a moment.

"You are the woman I fell in love with. You have always been her in one form or another. When I met you as Morgan, you were the same mixture of pain and strength, infused with a compassion you weren't even aware of. You are the same now, the same woman, despite what you have been through. I know you don't see it as the woman I knew beginning to remember horrible things; you see it as Revan having her memory wiped for a time. But they are one and the same. And you are still her, who I fell in love with. You hold more sorrow in you, you can't not, but you've always been you, Revan. And I know that."

"Yep. Absolutely amazing. I'm going to trust in your greater wisdom. Are you sure you're not prophetic too?"

"Of course I'm right, Revan. I can't be married to you and not be at least insightful." I chuckled and dropped my head back to his chest. I was happy, and laughing, which made me wonder when something horrible would happen to take me from it. But nothing did.

Epilogue

I've started letting Carth see a lot of varied memories and visions of my past. All the insider jokes Malak and I share I usually just turn to him and let him in on them in a direct manner. Malak worships me, not as the friend who needed him when she was weak, but as the warrior I became, the greatness that was always there. But what he bases his faith in me on is something I base my self worth on as well, saving the Republic. I think he seems me more as I am than I do.

He and Carth get along well enough. Bastila has come around, too. I let her in on memories as well, different ones, less frequency. But they sometimes go somewhere and talk. I think it has helped her heal some scars from her fall. They have their own set of insider jokes, which is almost interesting to watch.

Currently, Malak and Carth are bickering over the baby's room. Something about colors and toys and such. Malak had tried to take away the Darth Revan doll but I objected at that. I am who I am and she is who she is. She is the daughter not of Master Revan (soon to be ex-master), but the daughter of Darth Revan and Darth Malak, heir to the throne of darkness. I had Juhani help me make her a Jedi Knight Revan plushie. She seems to like that one, too. I also made her a Carth and a Malak doll. She doesn't play with those much. But the Carth doll is a little frayed at the bottom, because she drags him along when she carries him.

My sister freaked out when she met Morgan. Rhea is obsessed with doing her hair, dressing her, and otherwise playing with her. My mom buys Morgan things, gives me tips, but it's strained between us. She knows I am trying not to be her with my daughter. Carth's mom is overjoyed and still pressing for more grandchildren. She has, thankfully, not displayed any tendencies towards favoring natural grandchildren more. His parents have even met Malak, tried socializing with him.

I made HK-47 a bride, my nannybot. N-7 is almost as violent, except with a bipolar-like attitude when it comes to Morgan. Since her head has been missing several times (and HK's head has been missing several times), I can only assume it's about the 'meatbag' thing. Malak is the original meatbag for N-7, too. But Morgan isn't a meatbag. Her and HK seen to… struggle about that. Which is more than just amusing. I gave T2M4 to Liam. For some reason, she really likes that astromech droid.

The jokes are fun. We're downright vicious with them. This might seem unhealthy, but it gets everything out in the open. I will have no secrets between us. The current underdog in the jokes is Malak. And Carth is, apparently, a hustler. His is also, despite Malak's height advantage, much larger. Yea. Actually, I rather enjoy playing the small, ravished female in awe of Carth's overflowing manliness. I'd make comments against such an idea, but they are usually countered in unusual retaliation that ends with us in bed and him somehow having the upper hand.

Everything is going really well, but I keep waiting for the other boot to drop. The counselors on Dantooine seem to think it's a post-war thing, but I'm not really convinced. Still, I'm healing and living. I almost feel ready for the next big crisis.