Wow. Today has been one of the worst Saturdays that I can call upon in memory. I had plans of sleeping in until nine, but instead I woke at six and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I had to go into work even though it is my day off. I stayed at work from ten o'clock this morning until five thirty at night without a lunch break. And it wasn't my regular day of sitting on my butt clicking my mouse, it was a day spent completely dismantling and reassembling a dog pen…along with my boss. I swear if that 69-year-old man tried to make one more move at me I was going to clobber him with the hammer! He even tried to talk me into having dinner with him…alone…and going to Las Vegas with him…alone. I finally just walked out before he tried dragging me into his truck. I'm not looking forward to facing him on Monday. Anyways, the rest of my horrible day went as such: I received some Eureka seven dvd's that I bought off ebay. I tried watching them and the first three disks have proven to be defective. I haven't had a chance to check the other three yet, but things are looking bleak. Then I had to help my dad assemble the fireplace. Then my sister tried to dump dish duty on me. Then I had to get after my nephew who was dunking my kitten in a water dish. Then I had to help my dad gut and skin a couple of pigs (which was actually something I needed after my day with Ed. I imagined it was his flesh I was cutting away). Then I had to put medicine on my horse's leg which she conveniently got wrapped in barbed wire…let's just say she wasn't too cooperative. As you can see, I could really use some humor right about now. I could also use some reviews. Thank you for sitting through my rant, now enjoy the final chapter to this story.
The scene taking place in the throne room of the firenation capitol was one of the strangest ones in the history of all mankind. One can stop and wonder if there is anything more that can happen that could cause it to be any more bizarre. It really does make you wonder, doesn't it? What other torment can your minds possibly go through? Well, suddenly, Zuko's water broke.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Sokka screeched, jumping to the side as a gush of water spilled from between Zuko's legs. Zuko grabbed Sokka's shirt.
"It's time." Zuko panted.
"TIME FOR WHAT?" Sokka screamed.
"I'M HAVING A BABY YOU IDIOT!" Zuko screamed back. Sokka stared at him blankly for a moment.
"Ew."
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE GAWKING! DO SOMETHING!" Zuko screamed.
"Now, what exactly do you mean by 'baby'?" Sokka asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"MOVE IT!"
"OKAY OKAY! KATARA! GET OVER HERE NOW!" Sokka screamed. Katara looked up from…whatever it is I left her off doing and skipped over to the two boys.
"Yeeeeeees?" She trilled sweetly.
"Zuko's having a baby. Do that thing you do." Sokka said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder.
"He's having a what?" She shrieked.
"JET THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Zuko screamed between contractions. Everyone gasped.
"JET'S THE FATHER?" Katara screamed.
"NO YOU TWIT! I'M THE FATHER!" Zuko screamed back.
"WHERE EXACTLY DOES JET COME INTO THIS?" Katara screamed in reply.
"HE DOESN'T! I JUST WANTED TO MAKE EVERYONE GASP!" Zuko screamed, smiling slyly.
"YOU MORON!" Katara screamed.
"I don't think that's helping, Katara." Sokka said, grabbing her shoulders as she attempted to gouge out Zuko's eyes.
"Well what do you expect me to do?" Katara demanded.
"How am I supposed to know? You're the baby catcher!" Sokka cried.
"I'm the WHAT?" She demanded, her eyes flashing.
"Oh, come on! You just delivered a baby yesterday! This should be a piece of cake." Sokka said, gesturing at Zuko who was doubled over and panting like a dog.
"Erm…" Katara said awkwardly, watching this new anomaly suspiciously. "But I've never...HE'S A BOY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
"That didn't stop Arnold Schwarznegger" Sokka pointed. Katara pursed her lips
"Okay, I'll see what I can do." She said, taking Zuko's arm and guiding him out of the throne room.
"Wow. That was weird." Aang said, still in Ozai's arms. Ozai sniffled lightly and wiped his eyes on Aang's shoulder.
"I'm going to be a gran-pappy!" He cried joyfully, tossing Aang into the air.
"Didn't you find that strange?" Aang asked.
"Of course not. All firenation noblemen bear their own children. You don't think my wife had anything to do with my children, do you?" Ozai said, sniffing snobbishly.
"Well…"
"FIRELORD OZAI! RELEASE THE AVATAR!" Cried a highpitched, sqeaky, tofu-ish voice.
"GASP! It's Gengakou man!" Ozai shrieked, dropping Aang as a small white chibi creature burst through the very last window.
"Yes! It is I! I have traveled all the way from the Bobobo show to stop you!" cried the chibi.
"Foolish creature of high-protein plant matter! There's nothing you can do to stop me! I am invincible!" Ozai yelled, striking an invincible pose.
"Oh, but there you are mistaken! I have been watching you and you have already given away your two greatest weaknesses!" Gengakou man yelled. "Now face the wrath of my…CRAYONS!" Gengakou man pulled a fistful of crayons from somewhere behind his back. They ranged in colors from violet to magenta to plum. Ozai gasped and dove behind a table as Gengakou man threw the crayons with deadly accuracy.
"If you think that will stop me than think again! So long as I avoid you, your purply-ness will not have any affect on me!" Ozai called out from his table sanctuary.
"But you are forgetting one thing! I know of your other weakness!" Gengakou man said sinisterly and reached behind his back once more, thus bringing forth…CAKE!
"NOOOOooooo!" Ozai cried. Covering his eyes and nose.
"YEEEEeeesss!" Gengakou man cried back. "Go ahead and try to resist the moist sugary goodness. I know you can't! It will draw you from your hiding place soon, leaving you vulnerable and stupid! Hahahahhahahaha!" Ozai covered his eyes and tried breathing through his mouth. But the smell of the cake still penetrated his defenses, causing him to salivate. His body began to quiver with need, the spasms growing until his body racked with shivers and jerks. Finally, the beast broke free and before Ozai could stop himself he lunged from his sanctuary. Gengakou man let out a startled squeak and tried to throw his remaining arsenal of purple objects, but they whizzed harmlessly past Ozai's head. The poor Gengakou man didn't have a chance. So great was Ozai's ravenenity (heh, I just made that word up) that he swallowed the little tofu guy whole along with the cake. The Gengakou man fanbase mourned greatly only to be consoled ten minutes later when a hotdog vendor passed. Meanwhile, where people still care what's going on, Aang remembered that Ozai was evil. This is what happened inside his head:
Mmm, cake…wait! Cake rhymes with fake! Hehee. What else rhymes? Let's see. AANG! Aang rhymes with…FANG! Dang! I like that! If I join a biker gang, that's going to be my new name. Fang! Fang fang fang. Mmmm. I wonder if there's any cheetohs left? I wonder how many of those I could fit into my mouth at once? I should try it! Where's Katara? I need her to keep count! Oh yeah, she's off doing that thing. I could teach Momo how to count them for me! But then again, I don't know that I can trust him. He did keep the fact that he can talk from me. He would probably miscount them or something. What's a good song to sing with a mouthful of cheetohs I wonder? I should ask Zuko's uncle! He knows a lot of songs. OH SNAP! OZAI'S EVIL!
Thus he sprang into action.
"OZAI! YOU'RE EVIL!" Aang screamed, whipping out his staff.
"Duh." Ozai said, looking up from his current position on the floor where he was lapping up cake crumbs. This seemed to throw Aang off whatever vibe he was riding.
"Um…well…you're…you're evi-…you're not very nice!" Aang said, pointing accusingly.
"Aw, crap." Ozai said, hanging his head in shame. Aang let out a triumphant cry and scooped up a handful of purple lava lamp sludge. He hurled this at Ozai. The ooze hit Ozai squarely in the face and his skin began to blister and sizzle on contact.
"Eep!" Ozai said. And then he died. You can use your own imagination as to how grisly and dramatic his death was. I personally am not that cruel (cough).
IN ANOTHER ROOM
"Okay Zuko. Push!" Katara said.
"PUSH WHAT?" He demanded. A few seconds later there was a faint pop and Katara was holding one of the ugliest babies she had ever seen.
"Wow. That was weird!" She said, croodling the baby close to her. "It's a boy! Do you wanna hold him?" She asked Zuko who was wiping sweat from his forehead and trying to stand up. He frowned at the baby and shrugged.
"meh"
"How can you be so indifferent? You just brought this little human into the world!" Katara said angrily.
"Hey. I just pooped it out. It's the woman's work to take care of it from now on!" Zuko growled.
"And…what woman do you expect to take care of him?" Katara asked slowly. Zuko looked around, but he and Katara were very much alone in the room. Zuko heaved a frustrated sigh.
"I guess you'll have to do." He grumbled. Katara squealed and threw her arms around Zuko's neck, planting several bruising kisses on his cheek. Zuko shrieked and tried to push her away, but his attempts were unfruitful. After a few minutes of mindless cheek-kissing, Katara stopped on her own accord and frowned at Zuko.
"When were you even pregnant?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I've been pregnant this whole time! Didn't you recognize the mood swings?" He growled, wiping spit from his cheek.
"But you didn't show at all!"
"Well duh! Getting fat is woman's work!" Zuko said, conking his palm lightly on her forehead.
Zuko came back to consciousness a few minutes later to find Katara rocking the baby gently in her arms.
"We should name him…Osbert!"
And thus the story ends.
Wow. That was all kinds of wrong! I don't even know where it came from! But I do feel better! Even though my day ended with my dad stealing the television, causing me to miss Trinity Blood! (grumbles) And remember my little chickadees! The 200th reviewer gets to boss me around and make me write a oneshot of their very own choosing!
OH! One more thing! Anybody interested in writing a collaberation story, visit my deviantart page! I've written up a notice in my latest journal entry for anybody who may want to write something in a group! Also I've got a OC oneshot posted up there if you want to read something else by me that's avatar-ish.
Toodles!