I Heart Fangirl Service
a parody by greengirlblue
based on Kingdom Hearts fanfiction
and, of course, the Kingdom Hearts game

Episode One:
The OOC

This all started on a Saturday afternoon at Kairi's house, possibly in an alternate universe from the game, possibly not, but in any case, it started on a Saturday afternoon with Kairi jogging up the stairs to her room with a plate of chocolate muffins in her hands. Riku, Sora and herself had put them in the oven earlier that morning before going upstairs to play Scrabble. When the timer went off, announcing that the muffins had finished baking to chocolaty perfection, Kairi had volunteered to get the plates, partly because both Sora and Riku looked so comfortable where they were, partly because she'd get first dibs on the largest muffin of the group.

Although Kairi was sure she had left the door open before skipping down the stairs, it was shut when she got back. Kairi didn't really think about it, since she figured Riku or Sora had shut it to block out the noise of the Scrabble game, as it was a very exciting game, really, what with Riku and Sora arguing over whether or not 'spork' was a real word or not. They must have forgotten that her parents were out combing local garage sales, and if they could hear Riku and Sora, then closing the bedroom door probably wouldn't help much. So, without hesitation, Kairi kicked the door open.

"Hey! I've got the muf—" she began.

"Oh," she hedged.

"Um..." she continued.

"I'll just leave then," she finished awkwardly, turning with the muffins still in hand. "Sorry."

"That's okay," Riku, who was currently straddled atop Sora's stomach, said with a bright smile. Whatever it was that the two were doing, it looked at least PG-13 rated, as Riku didn't have his shirt on and was leaning over Sora, his hands encircling Sora's wrists on either side of the spiky-haired teen.

"No, it is not okay!" Sora said indignantly. He made a show of trying to get up, but being pinned down to the bed with Riku's weight and hands, it was difficult. "This is not okay. This is anything but okay, okay? Wha— wait! Kairi, don't—"

But, it was too late, because Kairi had vanished rather rapidly into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

"Kairi!" Sora shouted after her. "Kai—"

Riku released one of Sora's wrists and held a finger against Sora's lips, effectively silencing him.

"Shush," Riku said in a low purring sort of voice. "We're all alone. Shall I whisper sweet nothings in your ear?"

"This is not canon," Sora hissed through gritted teeth as Riku leaned his face towards him, his pale hair tickling Sora's cheeks.

"No, it's not," Riku agreed happily, pressing the top of Sora's nose like an elevator button. "It's fangirl service (heart!)."

Sora gaped, completely appalled.

"What the… what do you mean, 'fangirl service (heart!)'? Who are you, and what have you done to Riku?"

Meanwhile

The real Riku and Wakka (who, just so we're clear on this, was the real Wakka, as well) were having a tea party on the beach.

"Well, yes," Riku said, somewhat surprised but pleasantly enough, "Now that you mention it, I do have an evil twin who likes to steal my invitations to bake muffins at Kairi's house on Saturdays." He paused, sipped his tea, and continued. "Why do you ask?"

Wakka took a swallow of his own tea too, paused, and pulled the cup away. He looked at the tea, swirled it around a bit, and reached over for a sugar packet.

"Wild guess," he replied finally, tearing the packet open and pouring into his cup.

"Mnn," Riku said in the middle of sipping his tea.

Wakka took another swallow from his own cup, paused again, and reached for another sugar packet.

"By the way, don't you have a crush on Sora?" Wakka asked.

Riku's eyebrows rose slightly, but before Wakka could decide if that meant anything, Riku tilted his head and his teacup back further and continued drinking.

"Mnnn….?" Riku inquired politely.

By this time

Kairi had found Selphie just after leaving Riku (the false one) and Sora (the one and only!) upstairs. Actually, Kairi had left the house entirely, being a little dazed, with the muffins still in her hands. Selphie had just been passing by, but now she and Kairi were swinging on the porch swing. Kairi had explained what she had seen.

"I guess I should be happy for them, right?" Kairi said miserably, shoulders hunched.

Sora's voice floated down from the upstairs window, which happened to be open.

"KAIRI! HELP!"

Kairi brightened a little, not noticing Sora's voice. "I mean, it's actually kind of romantic, isn't it?" she added.

"KAI--! Aagh! Stop! Ha ha… no really, that – ha ha ha! That tickles."

But just as suddenly, her face darkened again.

"Still," she sighed, "he was my first crush. This sucks."

Ah, here was ground Selphie was sure of. "Yes! Boys suck!" she agreed. "But I heart muffins!"

And with that statement, Selphie took a muffin from Kairi's plate. After a moment, Kairi too decided to eat a muffin, and decided that boys weren't worth bothering over, really.

"Ha ha," Sora laughed. "HA HA HAHA HA-DANGIT, I said stop it!

Elsewhere

Tidus, who was feeling somewhat ignored in this fic, and also since he wasn't clear if Yuna existed in this universe or not, joined Wakka and Riku's Fun Fun Tea Party on the Beach.

"Hi," he said, standing at a point that created an isosceles triangle between the three of them.

"'Sup?" said Wakka, who had a collection of empty sugar packets piled by his tea saucer.

"Mmn," said Riku around his teacup.

The three enjoyed a comfortable silence, but after a few minutes, Tidus cleared his throat.

"Riku, I don't think there's any more tea left in that cup," he said hesitantly.

Riku only tipped his head further back, then leaned backwards away from the group, the teacup still firmly against his lips.

Epilogue

Sora was not seriously traumatized in this fic. In fact, Kairi came to her senses merely seconds after this story ended and went to defend her room from PG-13-related whateverness, where she discovered that Riku was actually Enrique Antonio Xavier, Riku's evil twin who everyone thought was dead from a boat accident three years ago, but who was actually still alive! His boat had crash-landed in Europe (so I suppose this really would be AU, then) where Enrique suffered amnesia and wandered into France under the alias of Francois where he learned espionage and had a secret love affair with Lady Betsy, of whom he was secretly spying upon. Who he thought was Lady Betsy was actually Miss Catherine, though, the lowly serving maid in disguise. The real Lady Betsy was on a quest for spiritual enlightenment in L.A., California, where she found her calling in underwater basket-weaving classes. By the way, Catherine is actually a princess of a small kingdom, but she won't find this out until her sixteenth birthday, although Victor, misunderstood youth and jealous adversary of Francois (who, as you recall, is actually Enrique Antonio Xavier, Riku's evil twin), does know this fact already, and has vowed to protect Catherine from corrupt politicians who would try to use her for their own ends...

But anyway, Kairi discovered Enrique posing as Riku and promptly kicked him out of her room, and Sora was forever grateful to her, despite the fact that it had taken that long for her to help.

The End