"Dean, talk to me, will ya already." Dean heard Sam's voice almost begging. Dean hated that voice, that 'I messed up and now I need to be forgiven' voice. Dean just wanted to be left alone. He was tired. Bone weary tired. All these feelings kept swirling around in his head, digging at him, taunting him, and now they were making him have to deal with things he had been trying to avoid for some time now. He looked over at Sam. Sam's eyes pleadingly looking back at him.

"What? What?" Dean demanded hoping to his tone would be enough to keep the ensuing conversation at bay. "Sammy, don't push it." Dean thinks to himself. "I don't want to hear the truth, because if I do, I won't have anything left." But what was the truth?

"What if all I am is a 'good little soldier'? If this is all I know, and I can't even get this right, how the hell do I live with this….guilt. These people died because of me. How can I justify my life, my survival, if everything I am is one giant failure? Sam knows this. That's why he hates me so much." the recriminations swirled in Dean's head.

"I failed him. If only I had only left him alone. No… I had to take him with me, had to mess up his life. He never should have been forced to make that kind of decision. He did this because of me, and now what? He just starts to hate me again when all his guilt to turn to anger." Dean's mind shuddered at the memory of that night in the asylum. The look of pure true hatred from his brother. Even if he was being controlled by Dr. Ellicott, Dean knew those feelings had to have come out of some place. Some place deep. The memory still pained Dean.

"No wonder he hates me. All I have done is making his life miserable?" Dean shook his head. "He probably saved me just so he wouldn't feel so guilty about trying to kill me." Even as he thought that he knew that wasn't true. No Sam loved him, he proved that in Nebraska.

His thoughts drift to the last couple of hunts they have done recently. The risks he's taken. The thoughts that he could just end it all during a hunt. Only the look on Sam's face stopped Dean from going all the way.

"No I can never die in front of Sammy." Dean remembers the pain on Sam's face when he thought he was going to die in the hospital. "God only knows what he would be willing to do to save me the next time."

He tried being mad at Sam after the faith healing but he just couldn't keep it up for long. He knew Sam only did it out of love and not malice. His brother had no way of knowing there was a reaper behind it, but still, it scared Dean to think of what Sam was willing to do to save him. Then another horrible thought entered Dean's mind.

"What if Sam is willing to die for me too? I can never let that happen, not ever. He can never be in that position where he will have to choose his life or mine." Dean thought about that a little longer and then he made his decision.

"If I'm not around he'll never have to choose." The final piece clicked into place Dean knew what he had to do.

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"Dean, talk to me, will ya already?" Sam looked over at Dean. Lately he'd been really worried about his brother. Sam would have done anything to prevent his brother from dying. He berated himself for somehow not knowing about the reaper, but he was desperate. Worse yet his brother still wasn't himself. Dean may not be dying physically anymore but it seemed to Sam that he was still dying emotionally.

"I wish you had never brought me here." Dean's words echoed in his head every night. He knew it weighed heavily on Dean's heart that someone else died so he could live. It was a decision Dean would have never made to save his own life

There seemed to be other things weighing Dean down as well. After the incident in the Asylum, Dean was quiet, too quiet, about what had transpired. Sam needed to explain but Dean refused to hear anything about that night. And the fights, they were coming more frequently now. Each time it looked to Sam that it bothered his brother more and more. Not that he would ever say anything, but Sam knew he had hurt his brother deeply, maybe too deeply.

"No wonder he thinks I hate him. Every word out of my mouth for weeks has proved that." Sam sadly thinks to himself.

With every job since then, Dean seemed to take a bigger chance with his life, doing more and more life threatening stunts on a hunt. A couple of times Sam had to track him down because he had taken off without him. Dean had always been brave but now he was being reckless and this new Dean scared the hell out of Sam. After one particularly harrowing escape Sam finally had it out with Dean.

"How could you do that?" he screamed at Dean. "Don't you know you could have been killed? What the hell were you thinking going after a demon by yourself? What do you have a death wish now?" Dean stood silent with no answers to give him.

But Dean did have a death wish of sorts. He still felt like he deserved to die. He couldn't make Sam understand what he was going through, the horrible guilt he was feeling. Only when he was fighting and killing evil did he feel justified in surviving. But Sam did see his pain. The fleeting look of submission on Dean's face when he thought, just thought, about letting the demon kill him. Sam called his brothers name and made him turn around to face him. Only that visual connection saved Dean from surrendering.

"Thank you Sammy for throwing out the lifesaver." Dean was grateful his brother stopped him.

Still Sam kept looking over at his brother. The Dean he had always come to know and trust was now replaced by this stranger. It was like he was diminished in some unseen way, the light gone out of his eyes. Even his famous bravado was gone. He knew something was terribly wrong with his brother. Not something physical or even supernatural, Sam would know how to deal with that.

This was something different, deeper, and strangely emotional. That frightened him more because he knew how Dean always internalized things. It was a side of Dean Sam wasn't used to seeing. Anger yes, but never remorse and regret, and the one that scared him the most…defeat. The look of utter defeat in is eyes. Dean never gave up on anything and now it had seemed he had given up on everything. Every time Sam tried to reach him he seemed to go deeper into himself. He was at a loss as to how to help his brother.

He knew he wasn't eating anymore. Just this afternoon he had found a burger and fries buried in the trash, again. Sleep was out of the question as well. On the rare occurrences Dean did sleep all he seemed to do was have nightmares. One particular nightmare ripped Sam's heart out. He could hear his brother talking in his sleep. Reliving the night at the Asylum when Sam shot him not once, not twice but four times not counting the rock salt. In Dean's sleep he flinched hard at each shot as if he were really hit. They may not have been physical wounds Sam inflicted that night, but he knew they had caused some very real emotional wounds. Sam wished he had that moment back everyday since.

It had been quiet the last couple of days. Sam was grateful the last few jobs had been relatively simple. While on the job Dean seemed back to be himself, strong, confident, and fearless. Sam was happy the reckless side of his brother was gone. After he hunts though, the silence still hung between them constantly. Conversations started by Sam were usually replied to by grunts and nods. His brother had just shut down.

"He's over the edge and I don't know how to pull him back." Sam thought watching his brother again.

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Dean sat at the table staring into space pretending to read the newspaper. Sam looked over at him as he started to get out of bed.

"It would help if you turned the paper the right way up Dean." Sam laughed as he noticed the newspaper upside down. It was meant as a joke so Dean's reaction was totally unexpected. Without a warning Dean sent the newspaper and everything else on the table flying to the floor.

"Jesus, Dean what the hell?" Sam bent over and started picking things up.

"Leave me the hell alone!" Dean snapped at Sam. Without saying another word he got up and stormed out of the motel room. Sam stared at the door his brother just slammed shut, stunned. He waited to hear the sound of his brother driving off but instead he heard nothing. Sam went to the door and looked outside expecting to see his brother inside the car but the Impala sat empty. Sam looked around the parking lot but Dean was nowhere to be found.

"Where the hell did he go?" he asked himself. The emptiness of the parking lot sent a shiver down his spine. Confused and concerned he turned back inside. Looking down he saw the keys to Dean's prize possession on the floor underneath the table. Sam scooped them up even more concerned. He ran back outside and jumped in the Impala hoping he'd spot his brother if he drove around. Three hours later Sam returned to the motel room praying that his brother had come back.

"Dean!" Sam called out as he reentered the room but the room was empty. Then Sam noticed something that frightened him immediately. Dean's backpack was gone but on top the table laid his all his weapons. Sam picked them up and looked them over. They were cleaned and readied just like Dean left them after the last job. Turning around Sam could see his cell phone still on the night stand.

"Why would he leave these?" Sam thought to himself and then came the bitter realization. "He waited till I left to get his stuff." He sat at the table stunned at the revelation. Then out of the corner of his eye he spotted the piece of paper. Unfolding it with shaking hands he read the short note.

"Sorry Sammy. I just gotta go." was all it said.

Two days passed and still his brother hadn't return. Sam paid for a couple of extra nights unwilling to leave incase Dean came back. He drove around to the local pool halls and bars looking for him and nothing, but no one had seen him. Finally he tried the hospitals and the morgue. The latter scaring him when they told him they had a John Doe matching Dean's description. Sam sped down fearing the worst but the unfortunate victim was someone else's brother. Still that didn't comfort Sam.

He answered every phone call, every e-mail, and every attempted communication for days hoping it would be his brother. Finally, not knowing what else to do, he packed up and left. It was strange to be driving the Impala without his brother in the seat next to him. He drove aimlessly for the first few days not knowing where to go, Deans mullet rock blaring from the tape player. He thought about going back to Lawrence and looking Missouri up.

"Naww she'll only tell me what a crappy brother I've been." Sam changed his mind not ready to face her reproach yet. The thought of continuing the search for John unsettled him too.

"How the hell do I explain to Dad, even if I did find him, that I don't have a clue where my brother is?" Sam started to berate himself but quickly got angry at his brother again. "You walked out on me you stupid bastard. Where the hell are you?"

That was 7 days ago.

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Authors Note: Sorry this chapter isalittle down but that was my state of mind at the time I wrote it. Feeling better now. Hope you enjoyed.