I've only been with one man willingly, and that man is Eiri Yuki. I think he's the only man I will ever want to be with. Yuki... Yuki isn't gentle-- we like rough sex together, I mean, it's hard and vicious and demanding... When I go to work in the morning, I can feel... I can feel him until lunch. The two of us are meant to be together, no matter what Yuki says. He does it periodically to push me away, but I always know he's going to let me back in. No matter what.
I knew it. At that time, I couldn't be so sure, of course, because we were so new together. I had to believe it though, I had to believe that he was lying when he told me the sex was bad, when he told me he hated me. Because... because I don't think I could have gotten through it without that love.
I know what rape's about. Don't think me naive, I know what it's about. But that night, it wasn't...
"I'll decide whether or not you're cheap after paying, Shindou." That's what he said. Aizawa, I mean.
I figured, I mean, I knew what they were going to do. It was going to hurt, I was going to crawl away when they were done, I might have to go to the hospital... I tried to relax and brace myself at the same time. Sounds dumb, I know. I thought that's what I had to do, try to... you know, minimize the damage?
But it wasn't like that at all.
There were two of them, plus Aizawa. One of them had this baseball cap on, the other one had long hair. They were both bigger, taller, stronger... Well, no. I mean, I could have taken any one of them. I'm a lot stronger than I look. But three of them was too much for me to fight, you know? So it's really not a bad thing that I didn't fight them.
Anyway, the guy with the baseball cap, he, uh... went first, I guess. He pulled my clothes off, sort of... but he didn't... you know. Put himself in. He... Well...
Rimming.
Yuki and I never did that. I mean, he says I come too quickly. I don't mean to, but I-- I mean, he's so good, and that's why...
Ah, yeah. I guess that is off topic. Guy in the cap. Right.
So I came. Really quickly. Just like Yuki always says, I have no control. None. I'm completely out of control when it comes to sex. I mean, I bet all I'd have to do is watch a porno and--
Avoidance? Hey, I'm not avoiding anything. He rimmed me, I came, that's all there is. It felt good. Really, really good. I'm not even sure how many shots Aizawa took of that, but I'm sure there were a few good ones. Money shots. You know.
I... Look, this isn't helping anyone. It's not helping Yuki, it's not helping me, it's not even helping you, unless you're allowed to give your client lists to the press... Yeah, yeah, confidential, but I bet you'll talk to Yuki about me, since it's his regular hour and--
Look, I didn't ask to come here. Yuki dragged me here. Called my crazy manager and told him I'd be late and everything, you know? This isn't about me, it's about him, so you might as well stop trying to figure out why a guy like me would have come about a dozen times during his rape.
...Yeah. Yuki's a bit domineering. I don't know if it's from being an author, or from... hey, you could probably tell me, right? I mean, why is he that way? Is it from growing up in a temple? That's gotta have an influence on how people turn out. All that ceremony and practicing to become a Buddhist priest, especially when you look like him, must make you have nerves of steel! Yuki's so cool!
Me? Oh, I grew up in a normal house. Average in every way. Stay at home mom, sister did great in school, kept tabs on me most of the time because I was such a screw up... Well, not literally, I mean: so I failed tests every now and then. I still managed to pass the year. And Hiro's really smart. I was in the same high school as him. It's not like I'm dumb. I write all the lyrics for Bad Luck's music, you know that? And lyric writing isn't as easy as you think. There's all these things you have to take into consideration, like-- like what track it's going to be, and the tone of the whole...
Um. I guess that's hard to really understand, if you're not in the business. Sorry. I guess I'm used to talking to Yuki so much that... well, he really understands everything I say. Deep down. I mean, sometimes there are misunderstandings and all that, but... underneath it all, we understand each other. Mostly.
I couldn't talk to him about that. They raped me. That's not... something you talk about with your lover, is it? It's not something you talk about at all. I should be stronger than this, should be able to handle it on my own. I don't even know why he made me come. So I freaked out on him. Who says I have to always walk around like I'm on a sugar high?
Besides. Between us, we have enough money to pay for it a thousand times over. It's not like anyone got hurt.
Except me...? yeah, that's what he said. Like he knows everything. He's so... superior sometimes. I guess he's got the right, he's a lot better than most people, but, you know, I'm a lot better than most people too. Did you know Bad Luck is in the same category as Nittle Grasper these days? There's talk about us even surpassing them.
I remember reading crazy stuff about Ryuichi Sakuma once upon a time. It's not like I'm doing anything much more... scandalous. There was no reason for Yuki to call K like that. Time off? Who needs time off? He's the one who works all the time. Besides, I just had time off.
That's why we took that vacation. I organized it all. You know how much it takes to book that much space near Sapporo during the snow festival? You know what I had to do to get that? To arrange it with NG Records and to get Yuki's editors to agree? We had an expectation of privacy!
And reporters shouldn't be taking pictures like that. Anyone would get upset if someone started taking pictures of them having sex. It's not because it reminded me of Aizawa. I don't care what he thinks...
Look. Isn't the time up yet?
For this week? I'm too busy for this kind of thing. I'm not going to be back here. Have a nice rest of your day.
Yeah. Same to you.
Hi.
Look, I'm only here because Tohma Seguchi told me to be here, or he's dropping us from the label. Something about showing good will. I don't get it. If they're pressing charges, how is this supposed to help, right?
I don't know.
Get comfortable? I know how long the session is. I'm not going to get comfortable. I might sit down though.
There, are you happy? I'm sitting.
You know what sucks? Yuki doesn't even get why I'm upset. I mean, Yuki went through it, or something like it. It still affects him, still hurts him all the time! He still loves that asshole Kitazawa. You know how long he wallowed in some stupid fantasy that-- well of course you know. You were his psychiatrist long before you became mine.
I think he saw the pictures. Yuki, I mean. We never really talked about it, but... I think he thinks that... well. That they didn't really hurt me. I probably looked pretty happy in all those shots.
Come to think of it, I probably was happy. I mean, it felt good. Really good. Aizawa kept telling them to do all these intimate things to me, and they were really... good at them. And I just couldn't keep myself under control. It was like... like a festival. You start eating all those candied apples and strawberries and grapes, and suddenly you feel like if you eat just one more piece of candied orange, you're going to throw up all over the street...
That sounds horrible, doesn't it. Like I wanted it.
I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. So why'd it feel like... I mean, how can your whole body feel so good while you're screaming inside?
I sound like one of my stupid, cliche songs. I wish Yuki wouldn't call them that... I know they're not as good as what he'd write, but I put my heart into them. So what if I'm not as talented as him...
Sure, it bothers me. I'm a jealous guy. But I still love him. I mean, he's everything to me, even if Kitazawa's still everything to him.
And now, where are they. Where are my rapists? Where do you think they are? Why does everything have to come back to that? And no, I'm not avoiding the subject, I'm just not interested in it!
...Look, it's fine. I'm sorry I blew up there. It's just that I'm over that. I mean, I was unhappy about it that night, and the next day, and then, I went to work to quit, but I found out Yuki was confronting him-- Aizawa, I mean-- and then I was okay with it.
What's so hard to understand? Yuki took care of it. He always takes care of me.
Well, yeah, bringing me here was... I'm sure he meant well... You know, I asked him to come in here with me. He said it wasn't appropriate. I would have liked it though. I mean, I don't even know you and I'm just expected to tell you all this stuff. About our sex life, and our relationship, and why I don't want a camera around when Yuki's about to--
Well, who would want a camera around at that time? I wasn't being unreasonable!
Okay, fine, yes, I admit I could have found a better way to deal with it. I probably didn't have to throw an antique at the guy. I probably didn't have to steal the film. It wasn't like I meant it, but I probably shouldn't have threatened him. Or his stupid newspaper.
But you can't say he was totally in the right, either.
Look, this whole rape thing... Seguchi and Yuki are just blowing it out of proportion. They're just trying to protect me, because I'm the best thing in Yuki's life. Yuki knows that. Seguchi knows that, and he figures it's his responsibility to keep Yuki sane. I guess it's really yours, isn't it... Good job.
Ah. Sorry about that. I'm just not... not happy to be here right now. Do you think they'd get really mad if we cut things short? Just for today...
Thanks.Author's Notes
A number of things inspired this story. I'll give you the top three.
1.The fact that every single thing I've read about it paints it as a violent rape, and I just have to be different.
2.Who bothers with blackmail over a violent rape? Isn't that just as dangerous to the blackmailer as the victim? It doesn't make sense. All it takes is one person to not fold, and you're in deep shit.
3."That kid cooperated thanks to you, and I took some nice pictures." What, you can't force a kid when you outnumber him three/four to one? You need his cooperation?
Continuity wise
Please forgive me. This is set in an amalgamation of anime and manga. I can rarely keep them straight. I'm also a little confused. It looks like there were only two plus Taki in the manga? But there are definitely three in the anime... I'm confused!
Writing
I'm always looking to improve. Feel free to tell me what I could do better, this is a bit, ah, experimentational for me, what with basically being a one-sided conversation. There are a few things I felt I could have improved on, but didn't know how to... Constructive criticism will be faced with questions, reviews with thanks, and flames... well... I suppose I could consign them to the bowels of hell along with all the gay characters in Gravitation or something...
This fic isn't yet finished (the ending area is giving me troubles) but I do intend to finish it. It will be a short story, probably under 10K words.