Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. There's mild language and very mild sexual content

I wasn't sure how to summarize it, so I hope you're reading this despite it. Please leave a review if you see fit

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I sit on the soft leather couch I've grown to know so well, feeling a little tight in the chest as I stare unseeingly out the sliding glass door. It's a beautiful day outside, and I can almost feel the gentle, comforting wind that carries all the lovely smells of spring…or at least I can pretend to

But then I think I do that too much: pretending. I'm how old now? 28. 28-years-old and I'm still pretending my whole life, basically. I watch the trees of the small forest billow back and forth lazily, letting the wind do what it will with them, and I long for such a simple existence

Then reason strikes again. I'm a human, and humans have hearts and feelings and responsibilities, half of which they don't even want. I sigh heavily as I look down into the glass of muggle pop sadly before I hear the sound of rustling cloth that signals an approach from behind me

"Harry?" The voice calls my attention to the speaker and I offer a weak smile. One I know he won't really believe

"Hey," I respond, placing my glass down onto the table in front of me

"What was that about?" He sits down, looking at me with his scrutinizing gaze

"Nothing, just got lost in my thoughts, that's all," He doesn't believe me, so I add, "No really, I'm fine"

"You know I don't believe that, but I can let it go for now"

This whole scene is making bells ring in my very soul, a sense of déjà vu taking over me as my stomach churns at the memory. I'm transported back to that day so many years ago. How many was that now? Why do I even pretend like I don't know the precise year count? It was three. Three years since that…that piece of heaven

Flashback – Three years ago

I sat there on the new soft leather couch, staring out at the starry night. I helped him pick this place out, we're with each other often enough that he figured I should put in my two cents when he finally got a new place. I loved this house…I mean, I still do, don't get me wrong, but this was the young awe-inspiring love that takes over you for reasons you don't even know exist

I sighed heavily as I looked into my glass of fire-whiskey sadly. I didn't hear his footsteps because of the plush cream carpeting on the floor, but I could hear his clothes rustling, so when he spoke I didn't suffer a heart attack

"Harry?" The voice makes me look up at him

"Hey," I answer him then look away, back into my drink

"You know you can drink that, right?" He sits down next to me, "That's what it's there for"

"I didn't accept it so I could drink it; I accepted it so I could look into it…watch the way it moves"

"Ah, I see. So something's wrong, then," It was a statement, not a question, which made me think that he knew me too well

"No. Nothing"

"Harry, I know something's wrong. Why won't you tell me? We've been, and I never thought I would say this, friends for four years now. If you can't trust me, who can you trust?"

And he was right; I had no one else. Voldemort had killed them all before I was able to take the bastard down myself. It took me until I was 18 to finally do the job…on my 18th birthday my powers increased tenfold and at the stroke of midnight on the morning of July 31st, I was unable to control the huge magical surge that erupted from me. I guess it had been a good thing that the battle had continued on as long as it had…and that no one but Voldemort had been killed by it

I had disappeared for about three years after that, to re-center myself, and the first person I ran into upon my return had been Severus. Ever since that meeting in the bar we've been pretty inseparable. We had even tried dating a few times, but it never worked out, and both of us were happy that our friendship wasn't affected by the attempts

"Harry, please. I don't want you suffering like this"

"It's nothing. I'm just thinking back to… the day…" I trailed off, but he knew what I meant

And so we sat there, neither speaking. I was scrutinizing the waves in the fire-whiskey caused by my shaking hands, and I could feel Severus scrutinizing me

All of a sudden he reached over and stole the glass from my hands before setting it down on the coffee table in front of us. I opened my mouth to question him as I turned towards him, but closed it once I saw the glint in his eyes

Next thing I knew I was on my back, my ex-professor above me and finding it hard to breathe as his hands wreaked havoc on my body

He was tickling me

A lot

He knew exactly the right places to touch to make it tickle the most, and I reconfirmed my thought that he knows me too well. The torture continued for a time that I don't think either of us really knew the specifics of. In the process I had grabbed onto his upper arms in some futile attempt to keep his torturous hands at bay, but that seemed to only draw his face with that wicked smile closer

It wasn't until I gasped out that I couldn't breathe that it ended, his hands resting on either side of my torso, since that's where most the tickling took place, his panting face close to mine

Our smiles fell none too slowly as our breathing evened out. I was only mildly surprised to feel my body longing to feel his press down against mine, my lips tingling for the opportunity to just lean up and kiss his mouth so close to my own. I saw his eyes working for the few seconds I drew my attention away from his lips and saw the uncertainty, the longing and the need. He licked his lips and my gaze was there again, my mouth opened a little to release a small sound of wanting

That seemed to be all he needed. He came down slowly, and I watched his eyes search mine the whole way, both of us unsure of the logistics of it. He stopped a mere breath away and I nearly growled in frustration. He seemed to be doing a last calculation in his head, if the deep probing of his eyes into mine was any indication. There was one last heavy, nearly hungry, sigh which played against my lips before I felt the press of his hard mouth against mine

I don't know how to explain that kiss; how it made me feel, what it made me think…I just don't know. It was a good kiss, to be sure, but it didn't really instill any great emotions in me. It felt odd…not because of who I was kissing, though it was sort of surreal, but because of how well we knew what to do in the kiss. Usually there's the awkward 'do we use tongue now or not?' type of thinking, but with Severus it just came so easily; definitely the smoothest kiss I had ever had (which, granted, wasn't many)

Through all of our trial relationships we never kissed, not once. So why when we're not dating do we decide to kiss? It didn't make sense, and it didn't really make me want to take that leap into another trial relationship with him, either

I'm not sure how long the kiss lasted, but it was a fair chunk of time. During possibly the sweetest kiss I've ever experienced, his hands were roaming over my sides, once ticklish but now a tantalizing spot that left me aching for more. That was the only part that made me really affected by the kiss…that and I'll never forget how he interlaced our fingers at one point as he continued to softly kiss me

It ended slowly. I'm not sure either of us wanted it to, but it had to at some point. That's when it got kind of awkward, because now we had to talk about it

He moved away from me a little so I could sit up, and then there was silence for a couple of minutes

"So what now?" I finally asked

"I'm not sure. What do you want to happen?"

"I don't know…I'm not sure I'm ready to try another relationship quite yet. I mean, I liked the kiss, it's not that, it's just…"

But he cut me off before I could finish, sounding relieved, "No, you don't need to explain. I was thinking the same thing"

"So we're agreed then? We just kind of…forget this ever happened?" Ok, so 'forget' was being used inappropriately. We can't forget it happened, but we can act like it didn't

"Yeah, I think that's best"

And so it was

End Flashback

"What can I do to take your mind off of whatever it is you're thinking about?"

I can't tell him, so I settle for saying that I don't know instead

"We could play chess? Watch a movie?"

The thing about Severus' place is that it's in a secluded area of the magical world. I bought a DVD player and a TV a few years back for my own place and I made Severus sit down and watch a movie with me a few times. He didn't want to admit that he had liked it at first, but I could tell by the glint in his eyes that he did. So for Christmas that year I bought him a big screen TV and a DVD player of his own

The mention of chess and a movie makes my stomach churn again, and I look at my hands as I say, "A movie would be fine, if you want"

In reality my mind was replaying a scene from a year ago, making my chest become tighter. My heart's pounding against my rib cage, making my breathing kind of tense

Flashback – One year ago

We had just finished a long game of chess, which I had lost, and were just sitting down to watch 'Something's Gotta Give'

"So how are things going with Sean?" Severus asked me

"Fine. How about things with you and Brian?" I countered

"They're going just fine"

Both of us had found someone else. It was for the best, and it proved to us both that we could actually take functioning roles in the dating scene

"Well I'm glad to hear it," I said, though it was kind of empty

To be honest, my relationship with Sean was taking a turn for the worse. Fast. He was four years older than me and way more experienced sexually, so he had been pushing me to do things that I wasn't ready for, or didn't want to do ever, and he was never really good at taking no for an answer. I was getting fed up, but I still wanted to stay with him and see how it went

We spent more time talking than watching the movie, and then he started making fun of my losing chess to him again. He went to poke me and I went to play-bite his finger, which was something of a habit I had developed over the years and he always found funny. It was actually a game we had started to play when bored, seeing if I could actually catch his finger, so it didn't surprise me when that's what started to happen

So he continued to do it, both of us facing each other on the same soft leather couch laughing. It wasn't until a few minutes in that I noticed that the distance his finger was traveling was getting smaller as the game continued. I found myself scooting towards him to be able to even have a chance at getting it still, our legs beginning to touch. My heart was racing because I was nervous of what might happen. And I did know what could happen, and I wasn't sure I wanted to stop it, so I kept going, letting the "game" run its course

We were inches apart, his eyes fixated on my mouth making me want to constantly wet my lips. His movements got slower and I caught his finger a few times, each time releasing it quickly. It was one time where my tongue accidentally brushed against the pad of his index finger while it was in my mouth that I heard a sharp intake of breath

The next time I caught it, I took a risk and kept it. His eyes met mine questioningly, nervously, and I slowly ran the tip of my tongue along the pad of his finger. I only had a little past the first knuckle of it in my mouth, but it was enough. I closed my lips around it, holding the eye contact, and sucked, moving it out of my mouth almost completely before bringing it back in and letting my tongue play with it again

His eyes got kind of glassy and I let the digit go after what only could've been a minute, drying most of it by sucking hard as it left my mouth. Once it was out, I raised an eyebrow in a mock of his usual style, clearly saying 'Your move'

His finger began moving again, and I took my cue. I chased. He brought it closer and closer to his mouth, letting me know he wanted it but giving me time and a way to back out, which I didn't take. His finger was so close at one point that I brushed the side of his mouth lightly in my pursuit of the finger

He did it once more, and I followed, before the finger was forgotten about entirely. Our lips met softly, tentatively once more. The kiss didn't start off as well synchronized as last time, because now both of us had been kissing someone else for months and adapted a new style. After about 10 minutes, though, it didn't matter because we had found the sameness again

I had been kissing Sean for five months, and it was this kiss with my friend/ex-professor/ex-boyfriend that made something in me click. It was this kiss that made me know I was in trouble

It was more heated this time, needier, and while hands were still gentle and caressing, they were also firm and sure. It was an uncomfortable position to kiss in, so we maneuvered so that I was lying on top of him, legs straddling his hips. His hands went down to cup my ass and my hips instinctively jerked forward, causing needy sounds to come out of both our mouths

The kiss continued, both of us sure of what the other wanted in the kiss once more, but now there was the confusing element of the lower bodies being added in. He would rub against my ticklish spots again, but under these conditions they were the most advanced aphrodisiac I've ever felt. I had to leave out the thought that those spots had never behaved like that when Sean touched them during an intimate moment or I would've gone mad. Best not to think about how we were both cheating on our boyfriends and that neither of us seemed to care

Our mouths clashed harder as hips ground into hips, the pressure building so sweetly and tantalizingly. His hands were on my hips, grabbing my ass, anything to keep me going, which made me feel more secure; that I wasn't the only one who wanted that aspect

We came with small moans, kiss slowing down to the familiar sweet caress and finally ending as I collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily into his right ear with him doing the same

There was silence for a few minutes as his left thumb kept moving up and down on my back, away from the tickle spot he knew was near

I finally removed myself from his form and sat at the other end of the couch as he sat up, as well

"So what do we do this time?" He asked

"What can we do but the same thing as last time?" I countered

"It has to be this way," I wasn't sure if it was truly remorse I heard in his voice or not, but I found myself hoping it was

There was silence for an undetermined amount of time until something clicked, "You have a date with Brian tomorrow night"

I saw him cringe, "Yes. And Sean will be coming back from visiting his parents in three days"

My stomach dropped, "Yes"

Within two weeks, both of us had broken up with our boyfriends

End Flashback

"Harry? Harry," Severus is calling to me and I look at him, blushing a little because I get the feeling I've missed a question

"I'm sorry, Sev, what?" I apologize, shaking my head a little

"What movie?"

"Ummm…" I glance over at his collection, "It's your house, you pick"

"Ok, I've got an idea," he says before getting up and walking over to the shelf, pulling two off that I couldn't see, and turning back to me with both hands behind his back, "Pick a hand"

I can't help but smile at his antics. Ever since he stopped working at Hogwarts and started being a free-lance potion maker and designer, he has been a lot happier and quirky. I love it

"Right," I say, pointing to the one on my left indicating I meant his right and not mine

He pulls it from behind his back, "Alright, so How to Lose a Guy in 10 days it is, then," he turns to put the other DVD back, "Sorry Princess Bride"

As he puts the movie in, my stomach churns some more. A romance film? I don't know that I can take that, but I know I'll have to try

The truth is that, yes, I had known I would be breaking up with Sean soon, but it really wasn't the same after the second incident with Severus. He came back from visiting his parents and that's when I doubly knew I was in trouble. He kissed me hello and I had to stop myself from pulling away in disgust. He would touch me and I would have to fight down a dry heave and resist the temptation to pull away

I would kiss him so he wouldn't suspect anything – I never wanted him to get hurt – but every time I did my heart would be crying out for Severus…it would tell me it was wrong to kiss Sean because a part of it had stayed with Severus…a large part

For months every free thought was of the feeling of his lips on mine. Every wank was to memories of his hands on my hips and ass. Every time I closed my eyes was to see the sight of his hungry gaze

And it was damn near killing me

We talk as though nothing is wrong, like nothing's changed, when in my heart I ache for him and the mere thought of kissing someone else hurts me physically. Why does my heart have to want the one it can't have? There's a part of me that says it's always a possibility, but then the other half of me looks at our past attempts at a relationship and the failures that they were

I can feel his body beside mine on the couch, the same goddamn couch that started this all, even though he's half a foot away

I watch as Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey start having real feelings for each other. Watch the part in the bathroom where they're so tender, and I remember those two kisses with the man next to me, and I ache to be in his arms because my heart's telling me that it's what it needs and…and yet I do nothing

I look out the sliding glass door at the pre-evening glow desperately, looking for anything to take my mind off of Severus. Unfortunately, it was enough movement for Severus to see and take action on

"Harry?" He asks softly

"Leave it, Severus," I say, not looking away from the door because I don't want him to see the tears building in my eyes. I don't know why I thought that'd work

"Harry, you have to tell me what's wrong. Please…I hate seeing you like this. Have I done something?" He tries to make me face him but I resist

"No, I'm fine. Leave it," My voice becoming thicker from emotion, "Please," I nearly whisper

I notice him stand up solely based on the shift of the couch and then I see him kneeling in front of me, searching my eyes sadly

"I won't," He says, "You're breaking my heart"

He looks sincere but I can't bring myself to feel sorry, not with how he's been affecting mine. Something rises within me and I find everything just slipping out

"And you're breaking mine!" Hell, I even i sound /i broken, "I can't continue on like this… I can't just pretend those kisses never happened! The second time…didn't you feel it too? It was different than the first and I know i my /i heart felt it. I couldn't kiss or touch Sean after that, Severus, it made me sick. And every time I even think about kissing someone who isn't you, my heart hurts! I want to be able to believe that something could finally work between us, but the evidence is against that!" I'm breathing heavily for a second before lowering my voice, "And it hurts, Severus…it hurts so much," a tear slips out of my right eye but I don't move to wipe my cheek because I want him to know the truth and see how much it does hurt

"I thought…you didn't want that…didn't want me. And I didn't know you were hurting so much, and it hurts me more because I know I did that to you. You aren't the only one who's been suffering, Harry, please believe that. I couldn't kiss or touch Brian because you were still burned into my lips and my hands. I know how much it hurts"

"Why didn't you say anything?" I ask

"Because I figured I'd lose you if I told you, and I would've rather suffered through this pain just so I'd be able to continue seeing you nearly every day than lose you"

"You can't control it any more than I can"

"I know, and I'm sorry. We were both cowards, it seems, and look what it's done to you," he says sadly as he wipes my cheek for me before cupping it tenderly

I can't help myself; I fall to the floor, cup his face in both my hands and close my eyes as I lean our foreheads together, just to touch him. He leans forward and captures my lips in the same soft kiss that they remember after all this time, and I moan softly at the contact

This kiss much resembles the first one we shared, both of us needing the tenderness of it just now. It lasts for an undetermined amount of time, and by the end we're both breathless

"So what now?" I ask

"I vote for not letting each other go this time," he responds

"So we're agreed then? We try this whole relationship thing again?"

"Yeah, I think that's best"

And so it was