Chapter Five
All the RENT characters sat in their corner of the ten-minute break room, gawking at the Sweeney Todd corner in awe and admiration.
"... so who else is REALLY glad that they cast Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd in the new movie?" Mimi asked, gazing at new-Sweeney.
Collins, Angel, Roger and Mark all raised their hands eagerly.
"And who else is really glad that they cast Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs. Lovett?" Maureen asked, as she and Joanne threw up their hands.
"She's kind of weird-looking..." Mark said, wrinkling his nose.
"But have you seen the size of her boobs?" Maureen cried. "She's fucking hot."
"Even I have to agree there," Benny jumped in. "As a matter of fact, I think I might head back to Sweeney Todd again..."
"Please, Benny. That joke is so old," Mimi snorted.
"Most of these jokes have been used at least seven times already, Mimi," Collins pointed out.
"I'm actually surprised we even managed to squeeze this fifth chapter out. I thought the author was done with us, since RENT was pretty much just her freshman-year-obsession," Roger remarked.
"Well who could resist writing about us?" Maureen asked.
"Lots of people. Remember chapter two?" Joanne recalled.
"We sure do," Angel said, eyeing Collins, who grinned widely.
"Whatever. The point is, we got our last chapter—now what the fuck do we do with it?" Collins asked.
"We could always go hunting for the hidden room of OC's!" Maureen cried excitedly.
"Which doesn't exist!" Benny retorted.
"I'll prove it!" Maureen challenged.
"Fine! Do it!" Benny replied.
"... fine! I will!" Maureen screamed back.
And she stormed out of the room.
"Is that seriously our central conflict?" Mark groaned.
"Oh shut up! This story has practically revolved around you and Roger for the past four chapters!" Mimi snapped.
"Yeah, heaven forbid the attention should go to anyone else for a split second!" Angel chimed in.
"Hey! That is SO not our fault!" Roger defended. "I can't help that I am just so damn attractive to this author..."
"Well you'd be more attractive if you were a lion, a witch or a wardrobe," Collins snorted. Roger stared at him for a moment.
"I must say, I've never heard that one before. Is it like 'salted'?" he asked.
"No. I mean the author is ditching us to write about The Chronicles of Narnia!" Collins grumbled.
"Jeez, talk about a switch," Joanne remarked.
"I know, right? Besides, we are WAY more entertaining than some stuffy old British books about wizards!" Mimi said.
"...they're not about wizards," Collins replied.
"See? No one even knows what they're ABOUT!" Mimi cried.
"Hey RENT-characters!" Judas called, running over from the Jesus Christ Superstar corner. "There's a crazy dance party going on in the Superstar corner! You guys should totally check it out."
"Why are you inviting us? You never invite us to your wicked-cool-ancient-Israel-dance-parties," Roger remarked.
"Oh, well, you guys looked kind of bored. No central conflict or anything," Judas said.
"We don't need your pity invites! We are having the best time in the world over here!" Roger cried angrily. "Right Collins? ...Collins?"
"SOULJA BOY! SOULJA BOY!" the Disciples were chanting, as Collins supermaned-that-hoe in the middle of the crazy dance party.
"Collins!" Roger shouted.
Collins came running back over to the RENT corner, out of breath, and laughing hysterically.
"Aw man! That party is ill!" he said, patting Judas's shoulder. "Jesus was really tearing it up. Not to mention Elphaba and Galinda–they've got madd skillz! And who knew Sweeney could pop lock and drop like that? Huh?"
"Collins, stop speaking ghetto and stay in our corner!" Roger whined.
"Hey Collins! Judge Turpin's playing Low! Get ova here!" Elphaba called.
"Aw yeah! Apple bottom jeans, here I come!" Collins cried, running away.
"Collins! COLLINS!" Roger screamed. Judas just grinned.
"I'll be seeing you in a few," he said, strolling off.
"You SO will not!" Roger called after him. "Come on Mark, we have to do something to make this story more interesting!"
"Shh," Mark hushed. Roger frowned.
"What? Why are you shushing–"
Mark raised up a small, rectangular device.
"Oh my God! Is that the new iPod video?" Roger asked, jaw dropping.
"Yes, and I am smack dab in the middle of a bootleg version of No Country For Old Men. So hush!" Mark snapped, returning his attention to his tiny screen.
"... do you have Juno on there?" Angel asked suddenly, leaning over.
"Yup. And I just finished Atonement last night," Mark replied.
"Oh my God! Was it better than Michael Clayton?" Angel gushed.
"Better than Michael Clayton, not as good as La Vie En Rose," Mark explained.
"Of course not, that Marion Cotillard is so talented!" Angel said.
"Oh my god, I know, right!" Mark replied, as the two giggled.
"...oh my God, I think I'm straight," Roger said suddenly.
Mark and Angel both whirled around, staring at Roger in horror.
"...what?" Mark asked.
"Dammit, I am SO straight! I can't believe I didn't realize that!" Roger cried. "MIMI! COME BAAAACCCCCKKKK!"
"Don't get your hopes up, honey! She and Jesus are gettin' it on to Low over there!" Angel called after him.
"I can't believe that! What a bastard!" Mark cried.
"There, there sweetie. Collins and I are always up for a threesome," Angel comforted him.
"... why am I even still here?" Joanne asked suddenly, having not spoken a word since mocking the author's conversion from RENT to Narnia.
"That's a good question. Why ARE you here? You never do anything useful," Mark pointed out. Joanne shrugged.
"Someone's gotta say the filler lines," she said.
"Girl, is that all you think you're good for?" Angel asked suddenly. Joanne frowned.
"... I believe that's the point we're trying to make, yes," she said, confused.
"Are you gonna settle for that?" Angel asked.
"What am I supposed to do?" Joanne asked.
"Change things yourself!" Angel proclaimed. "I mean, just look at Benny! He wasn't getting any attention, so he switched stories!"
"I could never do that..." Joanne insisted.
"Why not? They're always singing about you over there in the Sweeney Todd corner!" Angel pointed out.
"That's Johanna," Joanne corrected.
"Close enough," Angel dismissed. "Look, you've gotta get out there and change things up a bit, girlfriend!"
Joanne pondered this for a second... and grinned.
"You're right," she declared. And with that, she ran into the middle of the room, leaping up onto a chair. "HEY JESUS!"
"Yeah?" Jesus, who was acting as DJ over at the crazy-Jewish-dance-party, called back.
"Hit me up with some Kanye, cuz I am ready to bust a move!" Joanne cried.
"Chyea girrrrl! Holla!" Jesus shouted.
And Joanne whipped off her suit jacket, running over to the Superstar party.
"Well way to go, Angel. Now we've lost Collins and Joanne to a bunch of gangsta' Jews, Maureen and Benny to a room that doesn't exist, and Roger to women," Mark pointed out. Angel shrugged.
"Who cares about them anyway?" she asked. "Everyone knows we're the favorites."
"Can't deny that," Mark agreed.
"AHA!"
Maureen came bursting through the door triumphantly.
"Did you actually find the mysterious, secret OC room?" Angel asked.
"Huh? Oh, no. Turns out they just kind of disintegrate right after they're done being used in stories," Maureen replied.
"... then why did you scream 'aha'?" Mark asked.
"I didn't," Maureen replied.
"Yes you did. Just as you came through the door, you yelled 'aha'," Angel said.
"Um, no. Wasn't me," Maureen insisted.
"Yes it was! We just saw you!" Mark cried.
"Whoa buddy! Pretty sure you can't see someone say something!" Maureen said.
"Oh dear Lord, sometimes I feel like I'm in the nuthouse..." Mark muttered.
Toby stopped where he had been walking, glaring at Mark.
"Oh, sorry Toby. No offense," Mark apologized, and Toby continued to trudge along miserably.
"Whoo hoo! That was awesome!" Mimi (who we never established as having actually left) suddenly came stumbling back into the RENT corner, laughing hysterically.
"Jeez chica, what have you been doing?" Angel asked curiously.
"... sitting alone in the abandoned Sound of Music corner crying over the lack of attractive, straight males in this place," Mimi confessed.
"Mimi!" Suddenly Roger came flying into the RENT corner, landing face first before Mimi. She frowned down at him.
"What do you want?" she demanded. "To laugh at me? Mock my horribly loneliness? You have done nothing but make my life a living hell for the past four chapters, Roger Davis! You made me believe you loved me, and then you went and tore my heart to shreds! You have left a permanent scar on my heart, and thanks to you and your cold-hearted, bitter soul, I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS, love anyone EVER again!"
"... Mimi, I'm straight!" Roger announced.
"Well why didn't you just say so?!" Mimi cried, leaping into Roger's arms.
"Aw, how sweet!" Angel said, grinning. Then she caught sight of Mark's angry glare. "Er, I mean, gross! What jerks!"
"Damn! For Catholics, those guys can throw one hell of a party!" Collins cried, as he and Joanne too joined the RENT crowd.
"... they're Jewish, Collins," Angel pointed out.
"Well damn, THAT'S why they kicked us out... " Collins said.
"So... here we are," Maureen said. "All back in the RENT corner."
"Mimi and Roger are back together... Collins and Angel are happily and G-Ratedly together... Maureen and Joanne are breathing..."
"Hey, where's Benny?" Maureen asked suddenly.
"He didn't come back with you?" Mark asked.
"No. He left after like two minutes. Said he was coming back here," Maureen replied.
"Quick, check the Sweeney Todd corner!" Collins said.
"HE'S NOT HERE!" the entire cast of Sweeney Todd called back.
"Huh... where could he have gone?" Angel asked, looking around.
"... who really cares?" Roger pointed out.
The others all shrugged.
"You're right, he's not that important," Mimi confirmed. "All I care about is you, baby!"
"And all I care about is you. And Mark, in a totally friendly, heterosexual way," Roger replied. Mark grinned.
"Thanks Roger. I'm sure I can come to appreciate our friendship even though we're no longer fucking," he said.
"Well there's something to slap on a Hallmark card," Collins said, rolling his eyes.
"You know, I feel like we've bonded more in the past five Ten-Minute Breaks than we have in any productions of RENT done by Broadway casts, National Touring Companies, or mediocre high school theater groups," Mark declared.
"Amen to that," Collins agreed.
"I love you guys!" Roger cried. "... in a totally non-homosexual manner!"
"We're a pretty awesome group," Maureen said.
Suddenly, the annoying, bored sounding voice rang over the intercom, signaling the impending end of the series:
"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS! TEN-MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE FOLLOWING LISTING OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED. RENT. THE ENTIRE CAST OF RENT HAS A HUGE FIGHT AND SPLITS UP FOR GOOD. CHARACTERS NEEDED: ALL YOU LOUSY BUMS. SUMMARY:IT'S PRETTY FUCKING SELF-EXPLANATORY."
"... well, see you ass holes later!" Collins said, marching through the door.
"Thank God, I was getting so sick of you douche-bags," Mark sighed, following Collins.
And the others had to agree.
"Hey guys! Wait for me!" Benny cried, running into the door to get to the RENT story with the rest of the gang.
After several minutes of pushing through old fur coats, Benny suddenly tumbled into something very cold... only to realize he was laying face first in the snow. He sat up, looking around him. There was a lamppost a few feet away, and it was snowing gently from the sky. He stood up, and suddenly a half-man, half-goat came running up to him.
"'ello there, son of Adam! My name is Mr. Tumnus... welcome to Narnia!" he greeted. Benny grinned to himself.
"HECK YES!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end. Word up.