Author's Note: I wasn't sure I was going to write anything about Leo's death, but I felt compelled and this is what happened. I can only hope that I can do justice to the character and the amazing John Spencer. As always, the West Wing and characters are not my own, I am simply borrowing them for the moment. Feedback is appreciated and encouraged.
"The Telling"
They all gathered in one place. Senators, governors, representatives, armed forces personnel and Presidents, past, present and future. They all gathered that day to say goodbye to a man they all knew and admired no matter what side of the political fence they were on. The air was unusually brisk that late October day. It seemed that fall was coming later and later and everyone was used to temperatures in sixties in October. But that day it was as if Mother Nature herself felt a cold and heavy heart and the temperature hovered near forty degrees by the time the funeral concluded.
Jed Bartlet, President of the United States and the man who knew Leo McGarry best, summoned the courage to speak eloquently as he eulogized his best friend, the man who had gotten him elected President of the United States. His voice broke at several points in the speech and Abbey willed him to hold it together. She knew that he would break down later in the privacy of her arms, but now was not the time. He had made her promise that she wouldn't allow him to break down. Each time he felt the lump creep higher in this throat he looked at her and she gave him the strength he needed to get through. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Jed returned to the pew following his speech and he clutched Abbey's hand tightly thinking of how he wished he'd had her hand to grab when he first heard the awful news. He glanced over at CJ and saw that she was fighting to hold back her tears, though she wasn't doing a very good job. The pain that he saw in her eyes was still there and burning as hot as it had when she had to tell him that Leo was gone. He wondered how horrible it was for her to have to break that news to him. She didn't have much time to process it before she informed him.
"Josh is on the phone," Margaret had told her.
"Tell him I'll call him back," CJ said absently as she shuffled papers on her desk. She was standing over her desk hoping to find what she needed. She noticed that Margaret didn't move. "What?"
"He sounds kind of funny," Margaret said. "Like maybe he was crying."
"Crying?" CJ asked alarmed and suddenly aware of her surroundings. "Okay, I'll take it."
She picked up the phone wondering what happened. There wasn't anything she could think of that would shake Josh to tears.
"Josh?" she asked.
"Hey CJ," he said softly. He sounded stuffy, but she thought maybe he had a cold. She knew Margaret couldn't be right about the crying.
"Hey," she said slightly abruptly. If it wasn't an emergency then she didn't have time for the call. "Look, I hate to rush you, but I've got this thing that's kind of pressing--"
"He's gone," Josh interrupted her.
"What? Who?" CJ said giving him her full attention again.
"Leo," Josh said in a hushed tone. "He's…it's Leo."
"What happened?" CJ said alarmed. "What's wrong with Leo?"
"He died this morning," Josh said simply.
CJ felt behind her for the chair and collapsed into it, partly on purpose and partly because her knees seemed to buckle beneath her.
"That can't be right," she said in disbelief. "There's a mistake."
"There's not," Josh replied. "It was…Annabeth called me this morning. She went over to wake him and he didn't answer the door."
"No," CJ said in denial. She shook her head and tried not to believe him even though the tears were already welling up in her eyes. "That can't be right."
"CJ," Josh said raising his voice. "He's dead okay? They said his heart gave out. He's dead."
There was silence on the line for a moment. Josh's tenuous shouting through the phone snapped CJ to reality and the gravity of his news began to settle upon her.
The news of Leo's death hit Josh faster than the bullet that tore through his chest at Rosslyn, but this call by far was the hardest he'd made because CJ was there with him at the beginning. Telling Santos was hard. Telling Donna was harder, but at least he could wrap his arms around her and feel the life within her. They physically had each other. Telling CJ was hardest because he couldn't see her, couldn't comfort her, just feel her pain through a satellite relaying her voice to him through his cell phone.
"Was he sleeping when it happened?" CJ asked.
"So far as they can tell, the doctor said he went peacefully," Josh confirmed.
"Yeah," CJ sighed trying to compose herself. "Mallory should--"
"She was my first call," Josh interrupted.
"Right," CJ replied. There was silence hanging between them again. Neither knew what to say. The entire conversation felt surreal and CJ wasn't even really sure it was happening.
"I love you Josh," CJ said quietly wiping the tears that had fallen down her cheeks.
"I love you too," Josh said.
"We never really said that to each other," CJ explained. "We were like a big dysfunctional family and sometimes we wanted to kill each other and sometimes we wanted to hug each other, but we never said it."
"I know," Josh said.
"I should have told him that," CJ said.
"He knew," Josh said.
"Maybe," she said.
"He did," Josh insisted. "Look, I…god this is hard…do you want to tell him or do you want me to?"
CJ quickly realized that he was speaking of President Bartlet and she sighed audibly. She thought about how she didn't want to be the one to tell him that his best friend had died. She thought about how she'd rather go into the Oval Office and tell him that Canada had invaded New York and that soon they'd all be saluting the maple leaf than tell him this.
"When is this going to break?" CJ asked Josh.
"Maybe a half hour," Josh said. "There was a reporter in the hotel lobby when they brought him down."
"I'll tell him," CJ said quickly. "He should hear it in person and you wouldn't get here in time."
"Okay," Josh said.
"I'm so sorry Josh," CJ said feeling a lump catch in her throat.
"That makes two of us," he replied.
"I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but I can't call Toby and he has to know about this," CJ said.
"He's my next call," Josh said. "And Sam after that."
"Okay," CJ said numbly.
"Okay," Josh replied.
"Well I should get in there," CJ said.
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
The procession took an hour to make it through the city. It seemed that all of Washington D.C. was shocked and shaken by Leo's death. His heart condition wasn't a secret, but it was still so sudden and tragic. He was only 58 years old. It was almost half a life not lived, but he lived so well in his 58 years that he didn't regret a day.
CJ sat in a town car flanked by Margaret. Their tear-stained faces were emotionless as they made their way to Arlington Cemetery. She had taken the news about as badly as she thought CJ thought she would, but she held up well during the funeral.
CJ looked out the window at the gray day and thought it fitting. The sun shouldn't be allowed to shine on a day like today. She tried to focus on getting through the burial. She had been trying to focus her attention all day, but her mind was still stuck in the past. The minute she told the president that Leo was dead.
"Mr. President," she said quietly clearing her throat as she entered the Oval Office.
"Hey," he said without looking up from his paperwork. "Did you see that game last night? Notre Dame was down by seven in the final quarter with fifteen seconds left. Most teams would simply go for the touchdown and extra point to tie, but not my fighting Irish."
"Yes sir," she said approaching the desk and letting him ramble. He seemed to be so happy today. She hadn't really seen him in such a good mood in fairly long time. She felt guilty being the one to destroy it.
"They went for the two point conversion and you know what happened?"
"I can guess," she replied.
"You can guess?" he said dismissively. "Well then Miss Smarty Pants, what happened next?"
He finally looked up. He looked up and saw her tear-stained face and he knew instantly that something was terribly wrong. He wondered if her father had died. He'd been sick for a while. He suddenly felt foolish for talking her ear off about football when she was so distressed. He stood up and walked around the desk.
"CJ, what's wrong? What's happened?" he asked in a very fatherly tone.
"Mr. President," she began searching for the words. She was a very verbal person and hardly ever at a loss, but now she couldn't find the words. Jed took her by the hand and walked over to the couch and sat down beside her.
"Whatever it is you can tell me," he said.
"Sir, what I have to tell you is very difficult," she said keeping a steady voice and not letting the tears that hid breech her eyes. "Josh called me a few minutes ago. It seems that Leo suffered another heart attack last night and--"
"Leo?" Jed questioned suddenly aware that this conversation wasn't about CJ's father. He stood up quickly and walked back to his desk. He looked as if he were about to pick up the phone. "Is he okay? What hospital is he at?"
"Sir," CJ said hesitantly.
"Was he in town or was he on the campaign trail? Someone has to get in touch with Mallory," he said picking up the phone. "What's my schedule like? I can clear a few things and get over there to visit him."
CJ heard him ramble knowing full well that there would be no visit and that the hospital didn't matter, but she couldn't seem to grab his attention.
"Mr. President," she tried interrupting him again.
"You know, I just talked to him last night. I told him he was doing too much. I saw him on TV the other day and he didn't look well. I told him to get some rest," he rambled while he slowly punched a few numbers into the phone.
"Sir," CJ said louder.
"He never listens," he said. "That's his problem. He takes on too much."
"Jed," CJ shouted knowing it would grab his attention and possible earn her a verbal smack down.
The sound of CJ shouting his first name did the trick and he dropped the phone back into the cradle and just looked at her.
"I'm sorry sir," she said feebly. "But he's not in the hospital and you can't visit him. He didn't make it. He's gone."
Silence hung in the air for a moment. CJ and Jed just looked at each other until he sighed and softly said, "I know."
"Sir?"
"If I kept talking you couldn't say it," he said looking out the window. "The moment you said Leo I knew it wasn't going to be good news."
His voice cracked slightly on his last word and CJ could tell he was fighting with every ounce of strength he had to keep it together. She knew the feeling well.
"I just talked to him yesterday," he said softly to himself more than to CJ. "Mallory knows?"
"Josh said he talked to her," CJ said approaching the desk with slight hesitation. "I'm so sorry sir."
"Yeah," he said looking at her for a moment and then looking away. She felt as if he wouldn't ever be able to look her again because she would always be the face and the voice he would associate with such bad news. "I need a minute."
"Of course," CJ replied walking quickly toward the door. She was grateful to him for letting her take leave of the room so quickly.
"CJ, have you told Margaret?" he asked just as she reached the door.
"No, sir," CJ replied. "She's next on my list."
"Okay," he replied.
Once Jed heard the door close behind CJ he caved into the large chair behind his intimidating desk and sat in silence. The only sound to be heard was the ticking of the clock which reminded Jed of the seconds that were passing. The chair somehow seemed different. It was then that he remembered that Leo had long been the support that held him in the chair in which he sat and now he was gone.
Josh sat in the car on the way to Arlington and stared out the window. Matt and Helen sat across from him in the limo holding hands and Josh ran his hand over his face quickly.
"Are you alright Josh?" Matt asked.
"Hmm?" he replied while he processed the question. "Yeah, I'm okay."
He seemed to be satisfied with the answer and Josh continued to look out the window. The truth was that nothing was alright. He wasn't okay and everything seemed wrong. He was on his way to the burial of Leo McGarry, which in and of itself was wrong. But more importantly he was riding in a car with Matt and Helen Santos. Josh was suddenly struck by his longing for more familiar people. He should be mourning Leo people who knew him better than this. Where were CJ and Sam? Why wasn't Toby at the church? Why couldn't he be sitting next to Donna right now? Donna. Thank goodness for her. He didn't know how he would have gotten through that horrible day if not for her.
"Josh," Donna's voice said through the door to his hotel room. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah," he said quietly placing the phone on the nightstand.
He heard the door open but he didn't turn around. He heard her creep over to the bed and felt it sink down when she sat next to him.
"Did you call CJ?" she asked. Her throat sounded thick from crying and he knew his probably didn't sound much better.
"Yeah," he said biting his lip and looking straight ahead. "She's gonna tell the president now."
"Santos is going to make a statement in an hour," she said.
"Yeah," Josh replied.
"It seems too soon," Donna said. "Should we even be thinking about the election right now?"
"From a campaign point of view, yes. From a personal point of view, no way in hell," Josh said finally looking at her. He noticed how her cheeks were still red and puffy from crying. Her damn alabaster skin showed every imperfection of emotion, yet she never looked more innocent and beautiful.
"No one else seems to understand that," Donna told him. "They're all pushing ahead and I just need a minute. They didn't really know him."
"I know," he said looking away from her again.
"Are you okay?" she asked him.
He looked at her and gave her a small unconvincing grin. It would usually make him look impish and cute, but now it just made him look frail and unsure.
"Not really," he replied honestly for perhaps the first time in his life. Normally he'd go to great lengths to put on a face that told the world he was fine, but this was Donna and she knew better.
Donna reached over and took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "It's not your fault," Donna reassured him.
It still amazed him when she read his mind like that. The moment Annabelle called with the news Josh had mentally taken the blame.
"He had a weak heart Josh," Donna continued. "We all knew that. These things happen."
"These things shouldn't happen Donna," Josh said dropping her hand and standing up forcefully. "He was 58 years old. These things shouldn't happen when you're 58 years old. He had so much left to live for. He's going to be Vice President of the United States for cryin' out loud!"
He felt the primal scream from deep within him try to surface again. He walked toward the window and his mind flashed back to years ago when he put it through a window and the urge to self-destruct was so fresh and so reachable that he thought he might actually do it again. He would have done it had Donna not stood up and wrapped her arms around him from behind. She rested her chin on his shoulder and he felt a warmth that had been missing for some time.
"He knew the way out," Josh said. "I'm down here in a hole and he knew the way out."
Donna didn't quite understand what Josh was saying, but she knew that the rage that was building inside him had given way to grief. She moved so that she faced him and she pulled him into an embrace as she let the tears flow from her eyes. She felt his body tense and finally release as she heard the sobs coming from his throat.
"I need him to help me find the way out," he cried.
"It's okay," Donna said running her hand down the back of his head as they both stood their and cried for the man who meant so much to them.
Josh felt the car pull to a stop just inside the gates of the cemetery. The silent journey was finally over and he could get out of the car and breathe again. He hated the protocol of it all. He hated that Santos had to sit here and President Bartlet would walk there when all he wanted was to sit with the people who knew him and Leo. Those were the people who truly mattered.
TBC