If we were the writers

Disclaimer, not mine as we all now if it was this would happen in the show…..

Summery :What's wrong with every character and how it can be fixed with TPTB failing Ecklie calls in new writers who have more than a little to say…..

Ecklie was walking up and down the layout room with the night shift surrounding the table.

"I have called you all here as it has come to my attention that our scripts are lacking and recently I have seen many OOC behaviour from several of you" said Ecklie waving a piece of paper around. "That has come to my attention manly because the only calls about crimes I have been receiving are Grissom's straw hat and several angry letters about 'the gothic vampire dog queen' I can only assume is referring to lady Heather." He paused smiling

"Now as your leader it is my please to point out where your going wrong" he smiled walking up and looking at Cath before picking up a piece of paper "these are some of the letters we have received" he began reading

"Catherine your character has progressed form dancer to CSI to hooker. What temperature exactly do you wash your clothes at because due to the receding neck of your tops and tightness of your trousers I suggest you try a cooler wash. You are a single mum who remembers their daughter every other episode only to moan about not spending enough time with her you go out after work for drinks. Which brings me nicely onto my next point the amount of men you seem able to pull. Yes you are attractive and I'm sure many men feel this but however when you go out the entire male population of Las Vegas seems to follow behind you leaving a trail of drool try just having one man, you'll see your daughter more, your less likely to date someone who will hit you or turn out to be a murder suspect. Are you going through the change? Because you seem to have become strangely possessive about everything from crime scenes to men, I half expect you to be sat growling at the crime tape and as for Warrick, why couldn't you ask him out? You seem to be able to ask every other man in Vegas, I suggest you kill Tina and leave no evidence then comfort Warrick" Ecklie finished with a smile on his face moving onto Greg who was looking scared. While Catherine pulled at her clothes trying see how tight they were. "Do they look small?" she whispered across to Sara who simply shrugged and suggested she phoned Lindsey and asked. Ecklie shuck his head as Cath began taking picture of herself with her camera phone and sending them to Lindsey.

"Greg, what has happened to you hair? It's as if someone got a steam iron and went over it you looked much more attractive with wild hair and wilder shirts. As for the strange sucking up thing you have recently developed I'd take a tablet for it and move on. You are clearly a good CSI so stop drawing the crime scene and start processing jump up and down until someone lets you do something if that's what it takes. Another point I'd like to bring up is the fact you are clearly attractive yet you never seem to have a girlfriend. By all means keep the crush on Sara's it's cute but please feel free to move on anytime soon"

Greg quickly ruffled his hair up helped by Sara and Catherine who was leaning suggestively over Warrick to do it.

Ecklie now moved onto Sara.

"Sara congratulations on shouting at Ecklie I suggest you do this more often" he paused looking at the piece of paper as if it was on fire but continued.

"Have you considered slapping him? Next I bring up the point of Grissom who is either blind or stupid. Despite the fact Catherine can get half the men in Las Vegas you seem to have a distinct lack of male admires outside the lab. Try going up to Grissom and kissing if this doesn't work slap him for good measure. Also have you considered putting heels on and simply standing on Sofia when she wonders into frame with Grissom the same with Catherine when she's been onscreen for forty minutes moaning? It would both please people and create an interesting crime scene. I has come to my attention recently that you seem to been Doyled I suggest you run into frame each time the red light is on. Also try where clothing in brighter colours this seems to work for Catherine it may also get Grissom to notice you"

Sara looked down at her top and began trying to pull the round neck somewhere towards her cleavage before Catherine simply tore it leaving a V shape for Greg and Grissom to stare at.

"Thanks," muttered Sara

"I guess been a dancer came in handy" Cath said pointedly.

Ecklie now turned his attention Warrick.

"Warrick I suggest you get some character development other than the mystery Tina whoa s far as I can remember was only mentioned in some random conversation about you wanting to wonder around town with a gun. Also since you spend more time with everyone at work than you do at hem you think you'd at least come and introduce her. As for Catherine are you blind short of coming up to you and saying 'take me now' she has! I suggested you forget about Tina ,everyone else has and take Catherine out for a drink while remembering she has a daughter who she never spends anytime with so get her home in time to say good night"

"You look nice," said Warrick to Catherine who was reading a text from Lindsey telling her she was embarrassing her friends though it was porn.

"Thanks" smiled Catherine while running her hands through his hair something she had always wanted to do. (Well hasn't everyone?)

Ecklie now turned to Nick who was sat tapping his pen n the desk.

"Nick I'm surprised you aren't in restraints of some kind blabbering incoherently. You were abused by your baby sitter pushed out a window by a stalker, who later jumped at you thought the ceiling before been buried alive. But now you seem to be happier than every, maybe you have lost your marbles and that's your way of showing it. Asides for jumping at a creature on your arm you don't seem bothered by the experience. Personal I'd be jumping at every small sound and begging people not to leave ma lone, but maybe that's just me! I suggest you go to a therapist and wok through it before coming back and getting yourself a girlfriend other than people who are likely to be murdered."

Nick looked sadly at everyone "I'm just trying to be happy, but every time I see flexi glass it scares me I can't go to McDonalds anymore because of the windows" cried Nick burring his head in Sara's shoulder "I want it to stop, make then hurt someone else" he cried as Sara simply look at Greg who shrugged

"We'll get him a straight jacket if her starts crying" Greg said Sara nodded patting Nick's head.

"It's ok Nick we'll get you a happy meal later" said Sara to Nick sat up with the trade mark grin on his face

Finally with a grin Ecklie turned his attention to Grissom.

"For someone who's' supposed to be smart you seem exceptionally dumb. Most men would be happy that someone like Sara found them attractive not scared! I thought it was you hearing that went not your sight. You will pleased to know I know what to do about this, KISS HER! You are clearly not getting any better offers, something many men would think was impossible ( Greg included) so for gods sake take the women out to dinner. Try shoving Ecklie in his office and locking the door this will eliminate the chance of getting disciplined for a office romance, I honestly don't' believe anything would get in the way of your work as you would tie Catherine down and put a mussel on her to get to a crime scene. You are both adults and therefore should be able to conduct an adult relationship. My next point is we all get your very smart but surely no one person can know as much as you! Does your phone have the internet and your simply typing things into a search engine to look smart? Also could you try quoting something from a book I have read, such as Harry Potter? Everyone watching wouldn't have to get a dictionary to work out what you were saying and it would be a character quirk. One final point, what is the straw hat about? Did you recently go visit a farm in the past? Ye sit may have looked good while you were there but you are now in Vegas and just because some people dress strangely doesn't mean you have to you ate running the risk of losing all authority and female admirers". Ecklie finished with a smile.

"do like the hat?" Grissom asked everyone to a series of no's

"erm Sara hwo about after this we tie eckeli to his chair and blwo the office up then maybe grab something to eat?"

"Sure, were taking Nicky to get a happy meal anyway we'll slip away when Cath and Warrick are making out, Greg's flirting with the person serving him and Nick's running around screaming at the flexi Glass"

"It's a date," replied Grissom

"I have decide due to these complaints," he pointed to large pile of paper on the floor and then to the piles overflowing it the hallway "that we will hire new writers from so we will start next episode"

Excited muttering broke out.

"Greg lose the shirt and go to the lab where you will be dismantling a bomb with the help of Archie and Hodges who will sadly get electrocuted by a freak hotplate incident" Greg smiled pulling his shirt of and leaving.

"Warrick your shirt is optional you and Catherine with be locked in the dark room together until your start kissing, Tina has already been erased form the show if anyone asks we will simply tell them there getting confused with CSI New York" Warrick grinned following Cath out asking if she wanted his shirt on or not.

"Grissom and Sara you will be in the morgue where a body will come back to life and attack you, doc Robbins will make a brief appearance to knock the guy out with his crutch before leaving you two to kiss passionately" he said looking at the script with raised eyebrows before Sara happily lead Grissom away.

"Nick you will be shirtless washing the lab windows, make sure to get bubbles down yourself before you have to rescue Brass whose been held hostage by Sofia, once you save him you both come back to the lab and wait in the break room with beer until everyone else joins you and gets drunk"

Nick nodded losing the shirt before turning back "what will you be doing?" he asked

"I will walking around the lab trying to find something you are all doing wrong when Bobby runs onto me with a highly combustible liquid, I'm not mentioned in any other pages" he said flipping through "guess I'll be in the next episode" he said

That's' what you think! was at the bottom of the script

THE END!

What did you think to that fairly random piece of writing. Just to point out I'm not trying to insult or bash any characters just making a joke mostly at myself. Let me know what you think, I wrote this as I'm having writers block with my comedy a series of interesting events!