Title: If I could

Author: Ravenaiya (aka samuraiheart)

Pairing: House/Wilson

Rating: G

Summary: House tries to justify his actions (or lack thereof) to himself.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, but if I did...

Notes: This is slash so don't read any further if you have a problem with that. The rules of punctuation and sentence construction are not a fixed construct in this semi-stream-of-consciousness fic.

If I really thought it would make a difference to clutch the patient's hand and whisper words of reassurance, to pat the child on the head and tell him a story, to cluck over a feverish baby with sad eyes and a down-turned mouth, to stay awake nights wondering what the effects would be of the latest treatments, to explain it all in detail and let her know what she was getting into, then maybe I would try. The trouble is that these things rarely do the job. Sometimes the truth is hard to face, but in the end, it is simpler.

Even so, I envy you a little, I must say. You have the harder job, perhaps, faced with so many patients who won't make it to happily ever after, but you build castles in the clouds for them with your soft smiles and pleasant conversation. You give them a gift I can only hope to rival. And you pay a price for that as well.

If I really thought it would make a difference, I would tell you this, tell you that I envy you your ability to find the right words, make the right choices, do the right things. If I thought it would make a difference, I would tell you to wear your worried gaze and tired eyes like a badge of honor. I would pat your shoulder and cast a sympathetic glance in your direction instead of avoid your gaze and ignore the sniffle from the other side of the room. I would hold back the snide comment about angels of mercy or the joke about one less child to hog the building blocks in the Oncology waiting room.

If I thought it would matter at all, I would tell you how much you've come to mean to me and how much I value our friendship. If I thought there was any chance at all that it could work, I would answer your hungry gazes with a fervor of my own. I would push you up against the door of your office and kiss you with as much passion as I see behind your eyes.

But sometimes love isn't enough to make a happy ending and losing you would be too hard to take that risk. And sometimes, things stay the same just because they've always been like this and the inertia of withheld affection is too great a barrier to overcome. But, if I could...

The End