Just A Word, an escaflowne fanfic

"Just a Word"

Love.

Folken lay awake in the darkness, pondering the meaning of that one word.

Love. What did it mean to love, to be loved by someone? As hard as he tried, he could not come up with an answer for that simple question. Perhaps there were words to describe the sensation…warmth, caring, comfort, but these had no context for Folken. By joining Zaibach he had forsaken all opportunities for love. Now he was just a shell, a numb shadow of someone that never got to live.

He had been passionate about his work when he had started. He thought at the time, naively, that he was doing it for love. He realized now that he had lied to himself. Perhaps he was still lying. The truth was that he was scared. Folken had been terrified of the dragon, and terrified of death. Dornkirk had taken advantage of his fear and his idealism, and had turned him into an unfeeling, obedient monster. He realized that now. But it was too late for regrets.

Every time Folken had designed weapons and other scientific terrors, he had told himself it was for Van, for a better world, where no one would ever have to kill a dragon again. He had meant it too. He did not want to live in a world where someone had to kill dragons to become king. Deep down, Folken knew he would have been seen as too weak to be king of Fanelia. Fanelia was a rough country, and he was a gentle person. A caring person. But now… no one and nothing meant anything to him. Not Naria, not Eriya, and no, not even Van. Van was just a concept, just a justification for all the blood that was on his hands, and Fanelia was nothing more than ash.

One by one Folken had burned every bridge he had ever crossed until there was no possible way for him to find who he was anymore. Once he had loved. He had loved Gaia, loved Fanelia, loved books and knowledge, loved his family. Once he had had a vision for peace. Once he wondered whether or not the end justified the means. Now he knew that it did not. Nothing justified what he'd done. He'd slowly killed himself, and half a world along with it.

It had been slow, to be sure. So slow that he hadn't noticed until it was too late, far too late. Although he was ashamed he had failed the Right of Dragonslaying, he thought Dornkirk's offer was a way to make up for it. A way to show Van and the rest of Fanelia that he wasn't a coward, that he could make a difference. There was passion in his work, and vigor. He was the best at what he did, more driven than all the other sorcerers put together. And he accomplished great things, things even Dornkirk himself had be awed with

But then the killing started. He had justified it to himself. The millions of lives we will save by bringing peace to Gaea will make up for these few that are lost now. He kept saying that, no matter how many people died, how many lives were ruined. It's all for Van. Everything is for Van and Fanelia. But every time something he created took a life, a little part of him died as well. And now there was nothing left of his former self. No love, no passion, not even hatred.

He realized that he was still lying to himself. He told himself that he loved his brother. He knew he did not. How could he love Van, and then destroy everything that Van loved? Folken knew the answer. If he had not done that, if he had pulled back, he would have had to explain his reason for not continuing with the plan, for not trying to capture Escaflowne. And to explain that, he would have had to admit to himself the reasons that he had not carried through with the plan, the reasons he had not attacked Fanelia. He would have had to admit to himself that attacking Fanelia was wrong, and that everything that had built up to that point had been wrong. Folken could not accept that. He had set out to change the world for the better…he was not ready to accept that he had worked against his goal; had alienated everything that had once meant something to him.

Dornkirk, you old dog, you knew exactly which strings to pull to make me do whatever you wanted, and all the while I thought it was what I wanted too. Maybe it was what I wanted…but it wasn't worth all this. Nothing is worth this.

And what of Naria and Eriya? They claimed they loved him, and still hoped that he loved them back. I suppose I'm fond of them, he thought, but only in the sense that they were my students, and the best of them. I do not truly care for them. Or myself. Or Zaibach. Not even Van… I don't even know who I am anymore. A monster, that I can't even love my own brother…

Folken sighed, and turned over on the hard bed in which he tried to sleep every night. Sleep had been a stranger recently, and no wonder. Nightmares and old ghosts haunted this man who had almost been someone great. But Folken Fanel was dead, and a new creation stood in his place. To him, love was just a word. Nothing more. Just a word. This Folken had forgotten how to love, how to care for someone, how to hate, how to feel passion. All he felt was numb. But it was too late for regrets. All his bridges were like Fanelia, burned down long ago. His course was set, and this time he would not back down.