Title: For Naught

Author: Sablecain

Disclaimer: All things SGA belong to MGM, Gecko, Showtime, the Sci-Fi Channel

Spoilers: Up to first ep of Season 2;

Major characters: McKay, Sheppard

Summary: Tag for "The Hive"- Rodney's dealing with thinking he was too late to help Sheppard and then the aftermath of everything.

Feedback: Please!

Acknowledgements: Thank you to NT for being a great beta, and a certain group of other friends who know who they are and are always encouraging!

And for Flah7 who simply wished I'd write more. I am trying, honest.

Looks like there are going to be 7 parts to this one, hope you enjoy it!

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Rodney stared at the screen, willing the information to change even though the rational, logical side of him knew it was impossible. There would be no last minute reprieve. There wasn't going to be a sudden blip of life appearing out of nowhere. There was nothing. He was too late.

Behind him, McKay heard Lorne and Caldwell discussing options. He heard the order given to radio Atlantis and report that they were returning. The search was over. Rodney continued to stare at the blank screen.

They were really gone; --Teyla, Ronon, Ford…Sheppard. God. He'd failed them all, his entire team. Rodney tried to swallow but he choked instead and coughed. Pain tore through him. His head still throbbed, his muscles screamed from the agony they'd endured over the last few days, and yet none of it compared to the knowledge that his team was gone. He was alone.

Slowly, Rodney closed his eyes. He wanted to blink it all away, open his eyes and be waking up in his quarters back on Atlantis, never having been kidnapped, drugged or held hostage by Ford.

He realized that someone was standing next to him, but McKaydidn't open his eyes. Itwouldn't be who he wanted to see anyway. He was never going to see Sheppard again. His last memory was of Sheppard and the others wasbeing dragged away from his team at gunpoint. Torn away. This was his nightmare come true, what had fed his fear back in that cave. He was suppose to have been with them on the mission. He should have died with them… Oh God, he didn't want to survive alone.

The presence moved closer and Rodney felt a hand, solid and warm on his shoulder. He stiffened, but resisted the urge to pull away from the touch. Instead, he opened his eyes and found Major Lorne looking at him with genuine concern. It surprised Rodney. Lorne could barely tolerate him.

"What?" He meant to be cold and snappy, to send the clear signal to leave him the hell alone. but the word came out in a pathetic whisper instead.

"You should get some rest, Dr. McKay." Lorne moved his hand away, shifting awkwardly under Rodney's stare.

"I don't want to rest." Damn, but he couldn't seem to get the sting back in his voice. Rodney frowned. Hishearing seemed to waver in and out. What was wrong with him?

"Beckett said…" Lorne began, but Rodney cut him off with an angry snort. Suddenly, for a moment, he was able to push it all away and hide behind his anger again.

"Yes, well, unless you plan on tying me down like he did…get out of my face and let me work."

Lorne blinked, but didn't back down. "Rodney." His voice was too gentle for Rodney's fragile grasp on his own composure.

"Don't…" McKay blinked rapidly. His eyes stung.

"There's nothing for you to do here," Lorne pressed. "And I promised Beckett and Weir," he emphasized the latter, "that I'd keep an eye on you."

Rodney's emotions rolled. There was nothing for him to do because he was too late. He'd failed. "Fine," he gave up wearily. He didn't want to be around all these other people right now anyway.

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Rodney entered his familiar quarters on Atlantis and collapsed onto his bed even as the door was still closing behind him.

"Why aren't you dead?" he whispered, mimicking his own question again, not quite believing he had actually asked it out loud. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, ignoring the aching in his chest. None of this seemed real anymore. He was so tired. He hadn't felt this overwhelmed with exhaustion since Atlantis had been under siege.

Groaning as his muscles cramped again, Rodney tried to get comfortable. All he wanted was to let go and forget all the feelings he'd wrestled with in the last few hours, days, weeks. He wanted to forget it all and yet his brain raced, replaying every moment since Ford's brutes had jumped the team, searching for any way he could have done things differently.

'If only I hadn't eaten the drugged food, or been able to concentrate better after I was drugged. If only I'd drugged myself sooner and taken out the guards when I first knew something had to be going wrong or when they first dragged me away from the others. If I'd just been paying attention on that first planet instead of griping about being there at all…' The thoughts plagued him, not letting him forget—he should have done more.

Shivering, McKay grabbed his blanket and pulled it up over him as he curled onto his side and clutched at his pillow. Everything seemed to swamp him at once. From the fear and panic back in Ford's cave that something had certainly happened to Sheppard and the team, to the frantic confusion as he'd tried to explain to Elizabeth what was happening. His angry accusations thrown at Carson in sheer desperation resounded in his mind and Rodney grasped the pillow tighter, burying his face in its softness as humiliation filled him. All for nothing.

He realized it back on Daedaluswhen he'd thought the team dead and then again when he's arrived on Atlantis to find out they were back and safe. He'd fought his way free from Ford's stronghold andback to Atlantis, and through thetorturous detox all in an effort to find a wayto help rescue Sheppard and the others, only to be too late. It was bad enough, the emptiness of their loss—his failure and then the swing to pure relief. They were okay. They had escaped on their own, saved the day, destroyed TWO hive ships and gained invaluable insight into fighting the Wraith…and they hadn't needed him for any of it.

Rodney cursed and punched his pillow as his teeth began to chatter. What the hell was wrong with him? He should be thrilled, no, ecstatic, that they were all alive. His team had survived. Instead, he groaned as pain rolled through him again. They hadn't needed him at all. Hadn't needed him to dose himself with enzyme and take out the guards. Hadn't needed him to make his way back to Atlantis, drugged and out of his mind. Hadn't needed him to suffer and almost die…

Paranoia suddenly swept over McKay. Had John even planned on trying to find Ford's planet and come back to rescue him?

"Don't be stupid, Rodney," he whispered through clenched teeth. He tried to be rational about it, but as he lay there, trembling and barely maintaining any control…he wasn't sure he'd ever be rational again.