"Yuki! Yuuuki! Yukiiii!" Shuichi Shindou called for his lover, racing down the small bare corridor after hastily removing his shoes. "Yuki, guess what?" He rushed into the living room, where Eiri was spread across the blue couch, staring blankly at a notebook he held in his lap. He looked up without interest as Shuichi noisily entered the room with a big grin on his face.

"Yuki, guess what?" Shuichi's face looked very happy, as his eyes were wide and playful, and his mouth was set in a large smile.

"What?" Eiri looked at Shuichi with a small smile, unable to keep himself from becoming even a little giddy because Shuichi just looked so… happy.

"We're allowed to start creating a new album!" He cried, making his eyes even wider, causing him to look like an enthusiastic crazed person. How entirely coincidental… he acted that way all the time.

"…That's great." These days, Eiri was being nicer to Shuichi. He was finally over Kitazawa… and now he could live (somewhat) peacefully with Shuichi. Well… as peaceful as it could be with both the media at their door all the time and Shuichi always saying strange things and knocking things over. But it was still blissful for the both of them, no matter how frustrated one got with the other.

"Yeah!" Shuichi kneeled down next to the couch, smiling softly at his beloved. Eiri had no objections, and he closed his eyes, taking in the rare quiet moment between the lovers with happiness.

"And Fujisaki had an idea…"

"What?" Eiri asked, opening his eyes, folding his arms behind his head, and gazing down at Shuichi without expression.

"Could you maybe… write some lyrics for us? Pretty please with cherries and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles and hot fudge on top?" Shuichi looked hopefully at Eiri, ready to bawl if a no was stated from the blonde haired man.

"…That seems a little too sweet. What are you trying to do, Shuichi, fatten me up?" He gave a small grin to the younger boy. Shuichi's hopeful smile almost melted and he got ready to cry. Apparently, Shuichi did not have the same sense of humor as Eiri did.

"…Fine. I'll write some lyrics for you." Eiri looked away at the wall, his pallid face changing from a grin to a small frown. The sadness disappeared from Shuichi's face almost instantly.

"YES!" Shuichi leapt onto the relaxing blonde, in a fit of laughs and smiles. Eiri, still a bit groggy from having woken up so late, simply let the pink haired boy hug him with glee, letting his arms and legs fall somewhat helplessly to the cushions beneath his body. Silently he gazed up into the pink eyes of the other man who was smiling with pure happiness as he continued to hold the other man tightly, the hug a symbol of his devotion. However, his smile vanished when he saw the glazed over look in his lover's lovely yellow eyes.

"Hey, Yuki, what's wrong?" He asked, his own eyes filled with genuine concern.

"I'm just… tired. If you don't mind, I'm going back to bed." He waited for Shuichi to climb off him, and then he rose from the couch and staggered towards the bedroom.

"Yuki?" Shuichi's voice, cautiously low so that Eiri wouldn't get angry with him for disturbing him, came from the other side of the living room. Eiri stopped walking and he slowly raised a hand to his hot forehead without thinking.

"Yuki, you aren't drunk… are you?" He asked. Eiri frowned to himself, his eyes half-closing.

"…Perhaps a little." The blonde admitted.

"Ah." Shuichi nodded. Eiri shifted uncomfortably on the hardwood floor, moving his free hand to clutch his stomach, waiting to see if Shuichi had anything left to say. When nothing else was spoken, he quietly exited the living room to the bedroom next door. Silently he lay down on the clean, blue-sheeted mattress, and then he closed his eyes. Instantly images flooded his mind, images of things he and Shuichi had gone through in the past. He smiled and frowned in his sleep as he remembered Ayaka… his brother… his sister… Tohma… everyone both nice and mean. Everyone trying to help him… always for their own sake, for their own purpose. It made Eiri scowl on the inside. And then when Kitazawa's godly face swept over his abysmal eyelids… he felt a confusing emotion fill his body. It was like every human emotion that had been created thus far was coming over him, all triggered at once by this one, single person. This one person that Eiri should hate… this one person that was dead. But, for some reason even unknown to him, he still… maybe he still loved this man.

The telephone rang, and Shuichi scrambled to pick it up, having not heard the last two rings because of the loud music he had been blasting in his poor overworked ears.

"Moshi moshi? This is Shindou Shuichi." He greeted the called. K's voice was on the other line.

"Hi, Shuichi."

"Oh, K-san! Ogenki desu ka."

"Genki desu… but I'm not calling about me." The manager's voice sounded very serious, more business-like than usual. Did he have a surprise up his sleeve?

"Then what are you calling about?" Shuichi looked puzzled, and he scratched his head, glancing quickly at the empty couch before deciding to take a seat.

"I am calling about Bad Luck's special television appearance."

"Television appearance! What television appearance is this! When is it!" Shuichi scowled, knowing that his secret plans with Eiri were most likely spoiled.

"Well… I have achieved the next step in worldwide recognition. Bad Luck will be traveling to Okinawa to film a television show that will be broadcast in China, Taiwan, and the East coast of America. Perhaps, if all goes well, Bad Luck will be performing concerts everywhere."

"What! I thought we were trying to become famous in Japan first! Why are we airing in America! I don't want to air in America! It's a scary place!" The boy cried.

"Well, it might happen. I'm not saying it will." K said, his voice lowering. "Anyway, this show will be taped in four days… so I'll need you packed and ready to go by Tuesday. We'll be staying there a good week or so. There will also be a concert going on in the later part of the week, so be prepared. Bring your vocal tea."

Shuichi sighed.

(Darn… I was hoping to spend time with Yuki. When I come back from taping… Yuki will have already gone on his book tour. We never get to spend any time together!)

"Shuichi, are you still there?" K's voice came through the phone.

"Yeah… I'm still here." He said lifelessly.

(Guess I'll have to spend all my time with Yuki in the two days I have left here… maybe he'll get done with the song by then and I'll be able to read it.)

"Is that all?" Shuichi asked dully.

"Yes… you can go back to whatever you were doing. Just remember, in two days you will be needed at the studio. And we'll be gone for a week… maybe more if your concert goes over well."

"K-san… you change our schedule too much." Shuichi whined. He sighed.

"Ah well, it's all for the fame and glory Bad Luck will receive if all goes well."

"Sayonara, K-san." Shuichi hung up the phone, sighing and laying down on the blue couch, closing his eyes.

(I want to spend the next two days with Yuki… and only Yuki. I'll be only his!)

"Yu-…" Shuichi started to call his lover's name when he remembered that the man was sleeping, or was probably sleeping.

(Maybe tomorrow…)

But, as cruel Fate seemed to dislike Shuichi, that tomorrow never came. K called early the next morning (waking poor Yuki up and making him quite irritable) and explained to Shuichi that he had mistaken the dates; and the Bad Luck should be traveling to Okinawa in four hours.

"What!" Shuichi screamed into the phone. "You messed up the dates? How could you do that!"

"Just be here in two hours, Shuichi." K commanded. He hung up the phone harshly without saying goodbye.
(He seems cranky… what's up?)

Eiri emerged from the bathroom and entered the living room, coming in behind Shuichi, who turned around, his face drawn.

"Yuki… I've just received a phone call." He began.

"Yes… your damn manager woke me up." The tall blonde man snarled. "Why the hell did he call so early?"

"He called because… my trip to Okinawa is in four hours. I've got to be at the studio in less than two hours."

"You're going to Okinawa?" Eiri asked, slightly surprised. "Since when?"

"Yesterday… K called me while you were sleeping." Shuichi frowned, feeling depressed already.

(How am I going to spend time with Yuki if K is always scheduling these last minute television show tapings and concerts and single releases, and when I have off, Yuki is always busy with something?)

"…Oh." Eiri frowned deeply and sat down on the blue couch against the wall, glaring at the empty television screen.

"Why? …Are you going to miss me?" Shuichi asked sweetly. He got ready to pounce on Eiri.

"…No. The silence will be good for me." Eiri said coldly. Shuichi's face fell, and he glanced at the floor sadly.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Yuki. And I'm sorry K-san woke you up. Maybe you should… go back to sleep or something." He said quietly, hoping his words might ease Eiri's anger.

"Don't tell me what to do." Came the reply as a cigarette was lifted from its carton and lit, the smoke reaching the pink haired man's nose. "If I want to go back to sleep, I will."

"Fine." Shuichi glared angrily at the floor as he walked right past the pungent blonde man smoking the cigarette. "Go ahead and be a jerk. Like always." Eiri glanced at the worked up young boy as he tore past, an angry look on his face. Raising his blonde eyebrows, he climbed unsteadily from the blue sofa, following his lover into the bedroom that lied beyond the small living room. Shuichi was already packing several bags, and he didn't even bother to glance over when Eiri entered the room. So the taller man leaned against the wall, watching Shuichi until his cigarette ran out. He smashed it in an ashtray on the bedside table, and then he sat on the bed, crossing his legs and watching Shuichi still.

Finally, the pink haired man could take it no longer.

"…What do you want?" He asked almost flatly, not bothering to put any emotion into his words.

"You're different today. Stressed, maybe?" Eiri guessed, raising an eyebrow.

"Try pissed. Why do you have to be such an asshole?"

Eiri was taken aback, though he didn't show it.

"Asshole? Now that's a new word. You are turning into me."

A person I hoped he would never become…

"Yeah well… hanging around you too much, I suppose."

(…Way too damn long. I've had enough of your shit… I've taken enough already.)

"Then stop hanging around me." Came the emotionless reply.

Please don't go…

"I was just thinking the same thing."

(I need to get away from you and your hurtfulness…)

"Then why don't you go?" Eiri asked, pulling another cigarette from the pack in his pants pocket. He didn't light it though; he just stuck the unlit cancer stick in his mouth.

"Because you keep bugging me so I can't pack!" Shuichi screamed, at his wit's end. Eiri didn't even flinch at the other person's frantic screams.

I honestly don't want you to leave… Just please stay here… I won't make you regret it…

(I want to go, and I want to go now. Yuki is getting the best of me, and I won't let him push me around like this! I can't!)

"Hey hey now… who's the cranky one?" Eiri asked, putting the unlit cigarette down on the bedside table and lifting his body from the bed. He came around to Shuichi, who turned his back to his lover, a scowl on his face.

"Stop toying with me, Yuki! I love you, don't you know that? If you do, then stop playing with my head! Stop making me play these mind games with you!" The pink haired man screamed, his face turning red with anger and excitement.

"You know I never mean to hurt you…why do you let yourself get so worked up? You never used to listen to me. Why is now different?" Eiri asked, wrapping his arms around Shuichi's back, clasping his hands at the boy's neck, lowering his face to the shoulders beneath his long, thin arms.

"I know you never try, Yuki, but still, you always do."

(Good. We're talking it out, making it all better. I like when we make things better… I just don't like the fights. I wish that he would just… be himself around me. He still seems like he is holding back… like he isn't being himself. Like he's trying to live up to the expectations of someone else, someone other than me. Tohma, maybe?)

"Still, I wish you would tell me when I'm being nefarious to you so that we can try and resolve it…" Yellow eyes gazed softly at equally loving and soft pink eyes, and a secret, unheard message was exchanged between the unlikely couple. Lips met lips, and eyes closed, the love still strong though the gaze was broken. Strong hands pushed a light frame to the bed, and a set of lips trailed across a pale face to an even paler neck. Hands ripped at clothes and revealed bare skin while all the while the same pair of lips moved down the bare skin, sucking at it, while moans of pleasure could be heard from both parties. A belt was looped through jean holes, and the jeans were lowered, revealing red boxers, which were lowered quickly as well. Another pair of jeans was lowered, the sound almost unbearable between the two lovers, and then contact was made. Soft hands ran through pink hair, and the lips met once more. Happiness flooded over the both of them as thrust after thrust was made, all for a total of six times. A young boy's voice moaned in pleasure as another, older voice joined in.

Finally, climax came and went, and pink eyes glanced at a clock briefly before turning in toward a sleeping blonde figure, still naked in the bed with the tangled blue sheets. Then the pink eyes glanced back at the electronic time-teller, widening instantly.

"Whoa!" He leapt out of the bed, grabbing his clothing, disturbing the other man, who sat up, rubbing his eyes, not caring if the blanket fell down-why should he?

"What's wrong?" Eiri asked, turning his head slightly to the side.

"The flight to Okinawa! I forgot about it!" The younger man cried, pulling up his jeans and fastening them, tightening the belt, pulling his shirt over his head.

"Okinawa?" Eiri asked sleepily, his eyes questioning.

"Yeah. I've got to get to the studio! I'm late!" Shuichi shoved a few more things in his suitcases and then he shut them, pausing a second to kiss Eiri before rushing out the door, yelling a quick 'bye' before running out the door. Eiri sighed and lay back down, closing his eyes.

What is there for me to do while he is gone? I… am out of story ideas for now, nothing is on television, no one I am interested in spending time with will be in town, so…

Suddenly the song popped in Eiri's head.

Oh… that thing Shuichi asked me to work on. That song. I've never written a song before… it might be interesting. Did he give me a demo tape to work with? No… I don't think he did. So I guess that the melody will be mine to choose… or that Fujisaki kid will have to work with what is mine.

…I know how to compose music. I should do that. That way… Shuichi will know that I can do anything for him. So… I'll do that. I'll write him music and lyrics… but he'd better not ask me to sing it, or my fist will be in his face, two seconds flat, no problem.

Faintly Eiri smiled, letting sleep take him over. Maybe he could come up with something during his sleep…

Hikari no naka de mita osanai kioku wa

Eiri let the pen move freely, let the words flow without caution from his mind.

Kogareta kono boku ni wa ima wo toosugite

Yami no naka, kimi no na o nando mo sakenda

Owaranai toki no naka de kimi shika inakute

Aganau koto sae dekizu ni boku o tojikomeru

Inoru koto shika dekinakute…kanashimi wa ienai

No…this is no good… this is no good!

Eiri violently balled up the paper, throwing it at the wall, his tears too strong to overcome. The burning hot liquid leaked from his eyes, down his cheeks, falling softly onto the empty sheet of paper that had been revealed when he had lifted the previous piece up.

Yuki… why did you have to die…?

"I can't… I can't go on like this!" He slammed a fist down on the table in front of him, ignoring the slight stinging pain in his hand. "I can't let him control my life… I can't let him beat me…"

If I want to love Shuichi wholly and completely, I must rid myself of Kitazawa… for once and for all. I can't let him ruin the life I have now. I can't let him push my lover, the one person who is willing to deal with my torments and my anger, away. Even now… Yuki is ruining my life.

Without a word, Eiri, still in desperate tears, put the pen to the paper once more.

Finally, Yuki Kitazawa, I can make you go away. I'll face my pain and my anger, and I'll rid myself of you.

Wiping away the tears and his pain and sadness, he looked longingly at the black pen in his hand, and then at the paper.

"You brought me my fame… and now you could possibly bring my emotional destruction, my downfall…" He cried almost silently. "All the people who hear this song are going to know… about my past, about my life in general. Am I ready for that?" He instantly threw down the pen, grimacing. "Why am I being so… childish? Why should I care what other people think of my past and me? I never did before! Ugh…" He coughed and, as a reflex, grabbed a tissue from the corner of the desk he was seated at and pushed it to his mouth, feeling his eyes tear up once more. He coughed for a few minutes, feeling the blood squirt from inside his tortured body to balled up inside the once white tissue he now held in his hand, taking in the crimson color of it. Disgusted, he tossed it in the trashcan underneath the desk and climbed from the chair, heading toward the bathroom. Standing motionlessly in front of the mirror, he gazed at his reflection, his yellow eyes narrowing as he noticed a thin crimson line of blood running from his mouth to his chin. Sighing, he wiped it from his mouth, not bothering to wash his hands of the blood they had received. Instead he raised his hands to his face, gazing at them with great sadness.

Once upon a time… these hands had his blood on them, too. And my innocence. All on my hands… all still there, laughing at me, mocking me. They won't leave me alone, these memories…

He held his head, not noticing the bloody streak his hands left in his blonde hair.

…Memories I would rather forget…

…Memories I keep reliving over and over again…

…Memories that keep me from loving Shuichi completely…

…Will I ever rid myself of this burden? Will I ever stand up to it, fight it? I want to be myself again. I want to be happy and loving like so many others are… but I can't. Not yet. I need to get rid myself of my memories first…

He looked into the mirror once more, staring himself down.

"Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories…" He thought out loud, quickly heading toward his small office to write down what he had thought.

Hikari no naka de mita osanai kioku wa

'Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories'

"I… this is too personal for me… I can't let people see this!" He crumpled the paper up and was about to hurl it at the wall when he felt something… urging him to continue. Sighing rather heavily, he resigned to his unseen determination, sitting down in the chair, unfolding the lyrics. Picking up the black pen once more, he put it to the paper, determined to let his mind roam free.

Kogareta kono boku ni wa ima wo toosugite

'They're still too far off for me, filthy as I am now'

"I…" He felt tears run down his face, and his vision became blurred. Sadness filled his dark, black encrusted heart as he looked over the two lines he had written. So personal…

"Yuki! Yuki!" He heard himself from long ago call the name of his once-upon-a-time, and the memories struck him senseless. Fear rooted him to the sofa as he saw the gun fall from his hands, triple pools of blood running towards him, all running together, the crimson calling his name…

Yami no naka, kimi no na o nando mo sakenda 'Inside of the darkness, I called your name over and over again'

"No! It's no good!" Eiri violently slammed his fist into the marble table in front of the sofa on which he was sitting. His fist stung, but he ignored it, feeling only the tears on his cheeks and the pain in his heart. All he could think of was Yuki, Yuki, Yuki…

When will Yuki go away!

Owaranai toki no naka de kimi shika inakute

'Inside of the endless time, there's no one there but you'

"Yuki… I miss you so terribly, but… I killed you, and now… now you are punishing me. If I hadn't met you… where would I be now? Would I be with Shuichi, still striving to love him? Or would I be happily married with a few kids and a lovely wife? I… I wonder sometimes if this was meant to be… if, no matter what, I would have found you somehow, and I would have killed you. It's Fate…" He sobbed aloud, his body heaving heavily in grief. In anger, he tossed the black pen at the wall again, this time not getting up to retrieve it. Instead he climbed up off the sofa, neglecting the lyrics on the table. Stalking off towards the bedroom, he wore a scary, painfully sad look on his pale face, his yellow eyes darkening with his unhappiness. Locking the bedroom door behind him, he quickly shut every window in the room and closed each set of blinds and curtains. Then he walked into the dark closet, his mind ringing with unpleasantness. Closing and locking the closet door, he let the tears roll from his eyes, let himself remember that man who had been part of his life so long ago… that person who had changed him to make him the man he was today. But was he a man…?

I feel so depressed… Why…? Everything feels so unreal…

Aganau koto sae dekizu ni boku o tojikomeru

'I lock myself up, unable to even atone'

His eyes closed, though in the darkness even when his eyes were open it was the same black abyss ahead of him. His Fate. Blackness.

I feel trapped in this world… trapped in this body… and I want to escape. I want…

He reached around in the darkness for a box he knew was kept somewhere on the floor of this closet. Sighing quietly as he grasped for the small cardboard box, his eyes lit up darkly as his fingers stroked the object in his mind. He pulled it to himself and lifted the lid, letting his hand sneak inside the box. He found what he was looking for.

Inoru koto shika dekinakute…kanashimi wa ienai

'I can't do anything but pray…my sadness is not cured'

The blade shimmered in the faint moonlight that seemed to magically find its way into the closet. He felt his sadness overwhelm him, his memories overwhelm him, and he lowered the blade to his pulsing artery…

"Yuki! Yuki!" I smiled, running up to the boy sitting up by a tree in the distance. Everything 'round me was wet from the small bit of rain that had come the night before. The sparkle of the raindrops on the trees around me was lovely, and I almost stopped to awe at their beauty. But that face in front of me just looked so wonderful…I wanted to see him.

"Yuki-sensei!" I called his name with wonderment in my voice. Just hearing myself say his name was… almost unbearable.

"Ah, Eiri-chibi." My tutor smiled in my direction, and it brought happiness to my heart. I reached where he was standing and began to share the funny story Tohma had told me last night when we stayed up until three in the morning. It was the latest I'd ever stayed up!

We walked peacefully through the park. All around us was beautiful life. Children laughing, trees blooming, flowers growing…and my favorite flower, the hydrangea, filled the gardens with its pure, saintly beauty. Without saying a word, Yuki reached over and tore off a petal from the flower and handed it to me, a smile on his perfect face. Oh how I loved that smile…

Fingering the delicate petal, I looked up at my friend and I grinned with happiness in my eyes. His brown hair lifted in the faint breeze and at that moment he looked like the best big brother in the world. The brother I'd always wanted…

Ajisai no nureta ha no ichimai chigitta

'I tore off a damp petal from a hydrangea'

"It's very pretty Yuki, thank you very much!" I laughed and smiled at him. He returned my smile, his face lit up in the morning sun. We walked along the path, my eyes wandering every now and then toward the small petal grasped in my petite fingers. A smile crept to my face.

We ended up walking to a side path that ended in a lake, the sun reflecting off the calm blue waters. Ducks fed quietly in the pond while a few children and their parents all the way on the other side of the lake were having a picnic. Yuki smiled and me and gestured for me to wait, and he walked toward a small container that had some bread in it. He put an American quarter in it while I looked out over the water. It was so peaceful here. The ducks were swimming away now, and the family across the lake was getting ready to pack up. I walked over to the water, opening my hand to look at the petal in my palm. Silently, I held out my hand right at my mouth facing the lake, closing my eyes and blowing. I made a wish.

"Eiri-chibi, come and feed the ducks with me!" Yuki called for me. I opened my eyes and looked at the hydrangea petal floating peacefully in the water. "Eiri!" He called again. I relished the sound of his voice, my big brother. Just knowing he existed, that he was there if I ever needed him, was enough.

Mizutamari ni ukabete kimi o omoidasu

'It floats in a puddle, and I remember you'

We walked and walked through the day. It had rained earlier, and Yuki and I sat under a tree and watched the raindrops fall onto the pretty flowers. After the rain, we walked close together, smiling, laughing, and looking around. Life at nighttime just after rain was so lovely… Everything seemed to come alive. There was only he and I around, and almost silently we glided through the thin forest as if we were gliding through a dream, beautiful and so precious. As I was almost clinging to Yuki because of the cold, I heard people through the forest. We left the area of trees to see the ocean ahead of us, and we stepped onto a dock overlooking the crashing ocean.

"It's so pretty…" I smiled, the happiness in my heart very big.

"Very inspiring." Yuki agreed.

There were some people loading up a ship on another dock nearby. One of the men yelled up to the ship and Yuki and I watched the ship begin to sail away. Its whistle blew and slowly it began to move.

"Have you ever watched a ship leave a port?" Yuki asked me, his voice faint in the strong wind that whipped our hair into our faces. I looked up into his eyes, shaking my head.

"No."

"It's strange how… pretty something so pretty can be. Here in America, I watch a lot of ships take off, and I wish sometimes that I could be on those ships. Wherever it goes… I want to be onboard." He said, his voice possessing muse-like qualities.

I didn't say anything. Instead my mind was on Yuki. I didn't even notice the almost silent whistles in the background.

If he were to be on that ship…

Ameagari no yuugure ni kasuka ni kikoeta tooku no fune no kiteki

'In the evening just after the rain, I faintly heard the far off whistle of a ship'

I watched the ship with unseeing eyes, thinking about the sadness that a single ship could bring me.

If Yuki were to be on a ship, he wouldn't be here. If by chance he had gotten on one of the ships before he met me, we never would have met, and I never would have been this happy… Why does he still want to be on a ship? Why isn't he happy that I am here?

The whistle blew again, and the wind softly ruffled Yuki's brunette hair. This was him… my tutor, Yuki Kitazawa. So smart, so handsome, so suave. I wanted to be like him when I grew up, whenever that would be. For now, just bring by his side was enough…

Naze ka kanashikute

'For some reason, it made me sad'

"NO!" Eiri tossed the knife away, tears falling from his eyes. Having landed in the distinct path of the moonlight, the blade shimmered like before, casting a small reflection on the wall of the small closet. He let out a loud sob and pulled his knees to his chest, hugging them and burying his face in them. Sadness overpowered his mind, and Yuki was all he could think about.

"I just want to die… I want to join Yuki and be happy like before…" He shook his head, practically insane with depression. Guilt overrode his mind as he recalled that terrible day. Yuki and his friends had been drunk… what bothered him more, Yuki being irresponsible enough to drink or Yuki giving him away to his friends for money?

He climbed up, tears springing to his blue eyes. He cursed angrily as he hit his head on the clothes rack above him. The clothes rack with Shuichi's clothes on it… It smelled like Shuichi in here. A comforting, homely, relaxing smell. He felt his body begin to become less tight.

I've got Shuichi to think about. I've got myself to think about. Is it worth it to die?

Slowly he exited the closet, hiding his mouth with his hands, trying not to cry. Trying not to be weak… trying to keep himself together.

Yurusarenai no nara subete ga kiereba

'If I can't be forgiven, then everything can disappear'

He looked toward the living room, where the pen was still lying on the ground and the lyrics were still sitting on the table. The house was silent, and the silence dug fiercely into his mind. He wanted to scream and cry and bury his tear-swamped face in someone's-anyone's-shoulder, and he wanted them to rub his back and tell him everything would be okay!

But who in the world would believe that Eiri Yuki, the stone-faced romance novelist, has genuine emotions…?

He was always known for being cold. When the press inquired about something personal, he always just brushed them off, and so he was taken as an extremely stolid-even cruel-person.

When will people just learn that I merely want to keep my public life and my private life separate? I just want to live in peace… but with a memory and a life as screwed up as mine, who could be normal?

Kanashimi mo itami mo nani mo iranai sekai e

'The sadness and the pain, to the world that doesn't need anything'

Eiri moved across the room to the door, locking it. Shuichi was still gone, and he was still alone. Even after all these years, he was still alone. With a long, almost angry stride, he shut and locked all the windows, also closing the blinds and the curtains. He had to be alone… he had to create this song in the most memory jerking environment he could create. He had to do this… for Shuichi.

Aganau koto sae dekizu ni boku o tojikomeru

'I lock myself up, unable to even atone'

He went into the bedroom and kneeled down beside the bed, closing his eyes and clasping his hands together tightly. The light was off, and he, like the room, was draped in mournful darkness. He had never been a religious person, but this… he needed someone to talk to. Now. He had to rid his poor, disheveled body of its sins. He needed to be able to live peacefully with Shuichi!

Even after all these years… the sadness and the pain from that day is still with me. I never thought then that such a time would follow me all my life… would affect me to the point that it has. It's almost pathetic…

Very cautiously, he lowered his head to the mattress, his hands still together in prayer form. He had to do this… he needed some form of peace.

Inoru koto shika dekinakute…kanashimi wa ienai

'I can't do anything but pray…my sadness is not cured'

I just want my life to be all right again… I want things to be as they were. I want Shuichi back, and I want everyone to be all right! I just want to be happy… is that such a crime?

He took his head up from the pillow and sniffled, walking over to one of the shut curtains where bits of sunlight rays were poking through into the room, as if they were summoning. Nodding in understanding, he wiped his eyes and shuffled towards the front door, unlocking it and stepping outside into the warm breezy afternoon. He heard a voice softly calling him… an angel's voice. And as he heard it, the sky began to cry, for that single angel's voice had created a bridge between Heaven and Earth. A huge, brilliant rainbow unfolded in front of Yuki's eyes, and he watched with awe as Yuki stepped down, on his back a pair of glowing white angel wings.

"Yuki!" The astounded blonde figure cried.

Yasashiku naita sora kara kikoeta kimi no koe mo

'From the gently crying sky, I also heard your voice'

"Yuki, you came back! You came back to tell me it's going to be okay! Right…?" Eiri was a little boy again, standing on the front of an empty mansion. "When you are here, everything is all right! Just tell me, Yuki… tell me you'll hold me and protect me forever…" Eiri began to run up to the brilliantly shining angel, but he was stopped. He looked with confusion at the brunette, somehow understanding though a word had not been spoken.

"I…"

"Smile for me, Eiri. Just smile. Laugh and move on… I was wrong to hurt you. I was wrong to become drunk, and I deserved to die. Please, Eiri, just smile for me." Yuki said, though his lips did not move. And slowly, ever so gently, the older, wiser Eiri smiled, looking in the eye the memory of Yuki Kitazawa. And they laughed together as Yuki flew up to the sky again, that tear in the fabric of time healing before Eiri's happy eyes. He laughed still, and all the way into the house, grabbing the pen he had thrown at the wall and sitting on the couch once more, writing feverishly his song.

Namida o ukabeta mama waratta boku ni wa mienai…

'I laughed through gathering tears, but I couldn't see anything…'

Without a word, Eiri was still smiling, forever remembering Yuki. He had wanted at first to rid himself of the man altogether… but now he only wanted to rid himself of the guilt. Yuki was too beautiful and too precious to let go, especially now.

Hikari ni naka de mita osanai kioku wa

'Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories'

Oto no nai egao sae ima wa ureshikute

'Even the soundless smile is happy right now'

Nido to modorenai ano koro ni mo

'I can't return to that time ever again'

Boku-tachi wa waratteita

'When we were laughing'

Emotionally exhausted, Eiri scribbled the last line of the song and stumbled into bed, the dark blue cotton sheets feeling so welcoming to him now. All he had wanted to accomplish was write that song, and nothing more. He could sleep now, and dream of better and happier times with Shuichi and hell, even his family. Hopefully, things would become better now.

Shuichi came in the door late at night, around midnight. He could see in the bedroom his lover stretched out over the whole length of the bed, and even from the doorway he could see the peaceful look on that beautiful face.

"I'll get the equipment tomorrow; Yuki's sleeping and I don't want to wake him." The pink haired beauty told Hiro and Fujisaki who were standing outside the mansion doors. Hiro nodded with understanding.

"I've gotta get up early to call Ayaka, so I'll see you later." Hiro waved to his friends and walked down the street, heading toward the direction of his house. Shuichi and Fujisaki were left, and Fujisaki smiled.

"You did a good job. I was very surprised at your ability on that show… I didn't think you could do it." He said. Shuichi beamed.

"Thanks."

"Well, I'll leave you alone with Mr. Yuki… I'll see you soon, I guess." As the young boy walked away, Shuichi looked after him with curiosity.

(I wonder… who does he go home to at night? His parents?)

As Shuichi stepped inside what he considered his house, he smiled as he realized what a fantastic and free life he had, and how lucky he was to have a great lover and awesome fans that understood and encouraged his relationship.

He saw the little white piece of paper on the table, and in curiosity, walked over and picked it up.

That's weird…) He thought as he saw Eiri's handwriting on the page. (I've never seen him handwrite anything. I thought for sure he would type it and print it out…)

"This must be that song I asked him to write." Shuichi grinned as he realized that the blonde had actually listened to him for once. However, that grin turned upside down as he read over the combination of kanji and hiragana, and his eyes became watery. He held his mouth, trying to keep cries from escaping, and his mind overflowed with sadness.

Finally, he put the little white piece of paper down and went into the bedroom, a dark look consuming his face as he glared down at Eiri's peaceful face.

"Kitazawa… I hate you!"

Author's Notes: Oh… I've been working on this since summer, and only now it is finished! I am very satisfied with how this turned out…

I was looking back at some of my earlier work, and I was very surprised to see how much different and how much better my writing style has become. In the beginning, a songfic to me was the song with maybe a few lines inserted here and there. Now those lines have turned into paragraphs, and I have a better grasp of the song than ever before. It is simply… amazing.

Oh, by the way, this is my 51st story! Yay to me!

As for the future of this… for now, it is a one shot, but later it may become a multi-chapter thing. But, looking how it took me like, six months to write the first chapter, I might only put out two chapters a year, which could become aggravating. So the multi-chapter thing is very likely to go into the trash.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this songfic and please review! As I'm sure you can tell, I did not spend six months on this darling story of mine for nothing.

Bye everyone, and have a nice day/night!