Ikkaku frowned. He knew that Zaraki hated the part at the beginning, when it was mandatory to give the new squad members the introduction. After all, the newbies should figure it out on their own, shouldn't they? Well, there was no helping it.
But the 11th squad captain was late. Again. Not that this was all that surprising, given both his level of dedication to his job, and the sense of direction of his vice-captain. Chances were he either deliberately ditched, or Yachiru gave him bad directions.
He elbowed Yumichika in the ribs. "Oi, where's the captain?"
Yumichika looked at him in distaste. "You know as well as I do where he is."
Ikkaku blinked. "…What?"
Did Yumichika know something that he didn't? Ikkaku was momentarily stunned. Where was Zaraki Kenpachi? Was he out doing something unspoken of? Was he out kicking puppies? Killing people? Helping people? God forbid he does anything like that, but…
Then Ikkaku suppressed a gasp as he had an epiphany. Is he out with a woman?
"Where is he, Yumi! Where is he? You gotta tell me, please!"
Freaky-brows (as dubbed by Yachiru) looked at the baldie strangely. "He's lost."
Ikkaku drooped with a sudden overwhelming sense of disappointment. "…Lost?"
The sliding doors to the dojo slammed open, and the impending figure stepped in, looking very peeved indeed. It appeared he dressed to look this way; the captain's coat that was frayed on the bottom, the eye patch, the scar running down the side of his face, and the funny spiked hair with the bells on the end all added to his 'look'.
A tiny head with pink hair popped up from his shoulder. "See, I told you my intuition would get us here, Ken-chan!"
"Intuition my ass," He growled. He shook the girl from his shoulder, and then turned to the people gathered in the room and sighed. "Well, listen up, newbies. Rule number one: no bein' a pussy…"
Ikkaku was not interested in the rules. He still remembered them from his first orientation. Zaraki Kenpachi had a way of making you remember what he said. So he started playing with some sticks on the floor.
"Rule number five:" Kenpachi continued wearily. "We ain't got a fourth seat. We have third n' then we skip fourth, n' go straight to fifth. It's Ayasekawa's fault over there. 'Number 4 is ugly', my ass…"
Ayasekawa Yumichika glared at the baldie snickering beside him.
"Rule number six: kidou-type soul slayers're looked down on. Don't come cryin' to me when someone beats yer ass."
Yumichika glanced at the ceiling, whistling a little bit.
"Rule number seven: if an enemy beats you, you better not still be alive. If you are, I'll personally rip out yer intestines." Zaraki surveyed the cowering shinigami with his one eye. "Rule number eight: don't mess with anyone 'less ya can beat 'em. Otherwise you'll risk yer intestines. Rule number nine: don't bother me when I'm in a fight."
Yachiru started to climb back up onto his shoulder. "It's time for the last rule! Last rule last rule! Let me give the last rule, Ken-chan!"
"I'll give the last rule, you brat." He picked her up by the neck and perched her like a parrot on his shoulder. "Last rule, rule number ten: never-"
Ikkaku, having memorized the ten rules year after year, knew the next words coming.
"-Never, because I truly value your lives, never mess with Fourth Captain Unohana. That's it, g'bye." He walked out of the dojo with Yachiru on his shoulder, and slammed the door behind him.
Yeah, thought Ikkaku, I'll never have to worry about him sneaking off with women.
He was scared of the only one who wasn't scared of him.
END.
Hooray! I had this brewing in my mind for a couple days, and finally just got off my ass to write it. Well, C+C are welcome!