"Count the Seconds, Count the Steps"
Disclaimer: Ken, Daisuke, and everyone else belongs to Toei and Saban, all of
whom are not me. (Hmmm...I wonder how much it would cost me to purchase Ken?)
Prerequisite yaoi warning: Guys with guys. No like, no read.
Author's Note: This fic is oh so random and strange. I was incredibly bored when
I wrote it, and when I'm bored I write very random things. This is one of them. Still,
it's kinda starting to grow on me. Read, review, shake your head in disapproval, etc.
05/10/01 edit: Geez, I try to re-upload this thing to fix a little mistake and look what
happens! Since Netscape won't let me edit my fics for some reason and AOL and Explorer
refuse to let me use HTML I have to re-upload this as a text file. Whenever Netscape stops
being a bitch I'll probably re-upload it again in HTML. Bloody Internet.
----
Have you ever been so bored could take apart your entire room piece by piece and
then put it back together again just because there's nothing else to do? That's what I feel
like right now. I'm so bored. Minomon's asleep and my parents are asleep, because that's
generally what people do when it's two minutes to midnight on a Wednesday.
I wonder if Daisuke's asleep. Probably. All the other Digidestined are probably
fast asleep in their beds, snuggling into their warm mattresses and dreaming the innocent
dreams of small children and animals.
I used to dream innocent dreams. I used to close my eyes and lose myself in a
world of sugar and light. But I'm not that innocent anymore. Innocence is a myth anyway.
We're all waiting to be corrupted, it's just that some of us have a shorter wait than others.
The glowing red numbers of the clock tell me that it's finally midnight. A normal
boy wouldn't be staring at them like this. A normal boy would ask why he's still awake
when he has nothing to do but sit and be bored. Luckily, I've never been a normal boy.
There must be something to do. Anything. God, if the silence were any more
oppressive, I'd slit my throat. Daisuke once joked that I probably stay up late counting my
sins and alphabetizing them. Hmm. There's something.
Let's see....A. Arrogance, I suppose. Does that count as a sin? I'm not sure, but I
think I'll count it anyway because I don't want to search for any other words beginning
with A. Next letter. B. Hmm....that's a hard one. B...what sins start with B? Bastard,
that's a good one. Being a bastard. C's next, and that's the easy one. Cruelty. D.... death.
For the Digimon who died because of me. E....evil, obviously. F....I can't think of one for
that. This is stupid. I'm utterly pathetic; what sort of freak alphabetizes his sins?
A bored, former evil genius freak, that's what kind.
That's it. I'm leaving. I can't sit here any longer, staring at those glaring red
numbers and counting the seconds in my head.
5.2. That's how many seconds it took me to stand and get to the door. I calculate
probably about 31.7 more to get into the hall. Wait, I didn't adjust time for sneaky
quotient. I can't let my parents catch me leaving, or they might think I'm running away
again. I'm not, of course. I just need some air.
The streets are nearly empty, and it occurs to me what an idiot I am for walking
out here alone. I'll probably get robbed or kidnapped or murdered. I'd care, but I really
don't think I need to. If I get dragged into an alleyway and beaten to death, I figure it will
be a fittingly pathetic end to a pathetic life.
Look at me. I'm nearly whining again. I hate myself. Weak, soft, kind....I let
everyone walk all over me because I can't stand to hurt them. The Kaiser in me wants to
puke with every word I say. He never leaves me alone about it. 'Weakling boy,' he says.
'You could have had the world, and now look at you.'
I have to ignore him. He's always there, though, and the more I ignore him the
angrier he gets.
'Listen to me!' he screams. 'You can't just forget I'm here, you know! I'm here
forever, whether you like it or not.'
I think I'm crazy. I have to be, really. I have a little version of myself running
about my cranium in a cape and sunglasses, brandishing a whip. Sometimes he's a
caricature, with big red cartoon eyes and enormous fangs, giggling insanely while he
chases my good side off with that whip. Other times he's large and menacing, and I bow
before him, broken at his feet. Then he's just a bug, and I stare at him and smirk, because
I have power over him. Until I realize that he's just been playing with me all along and
I'm more like him than ever before....
God, I really am a mental case.
Stupid insomnia. Stupid Kaiser. Stupid guilt, stupid sins, stupid Ken.... Ha! Take
that, you rock. That'll teach you to get in the way of Ken Ichijouji. I'll kick you halfway
down the street. That goes for the rest of you, too. I'm talking to you, you half empty soft
drink can.
I am so insane it's not even funny. I say I want to be left alone, and it's not just by
everyone else. Is this the consequence of having a big brain? It gets too large and
suddenly starts to rebel, turning against you and tearing you apart from the inside out?
Am I just rambling again, or have I finally found an answer?
Hmm. It's cold. I didn't notice it before. I suppose I should have changed out of
my school uniform before I came out here into something more suited for the climate,
Like, I don't know, maybe a bloody coat?
'Serves you right if you freeze to death,' the Kaiser whispers, and I swear I just
want to smack him sometimes. 'Some genius.'
"Shut up!" The few people on the street look at me funny, and I can't say I blame
them. I wonder if they recognize me. If they do, they're probably wondering what the hell
Ken Ichijouji is doing, talking to himself at midnight, walking around the streets of
Odaiba without even a scarf....
Odaiba? Shit, when did I get here? I didn't even realize I walked this far. Heh.
Just another thing for the Kaiser to yell at me about. He's like....like....whatever the
opposite of the conscience is. I knew the word once, but it eludes me now. How many
seconds did it take me to walk this far?
It took only about 1.34 seconds for me to kick another rock. I'm obsessed with the
time. I'm obsessed with a lot of things, really. One is small and green and sleeps in my
bed, and the other is a little dim and wearing goggles and unfortunately not sleeping in
my bed. Did I just think that? Probably. My brain moves ahead of me these days.
Count the seconds, count the steps.....one, two, three, it takes so much energy just
to walk. My mind's not quite here, my body's not quite down to earth. The stars are
above me, then I'm above them; I'm not quite here and maybe I never was. Where am I
now?
I'm somewhere I recognize. I recognize it all too well, and I must say, it figures.
Not only do I walk straight to Daisuke's apartment without realizing it, I stop right below
what I believe is his window.
Daisuke. I love the way that name sounds in my head. Like sweetness and sugar
and cinnamon, hinted with spice and twisted with fire. Daisuke. Dai suki, Daisuke. I love
you. I love the way your face lights up whenever I see you, the way the light glints off
your goggles, the way you can seem so stupid and yet so wise at the same time. Is it any
wonder I walked straight to you?
'Let's make him beg again,' the Kaiser suggests. 'You know you liked
that....having power over him.'
'No,' I reply. 'You've got it wrong. You liked that. We're separate entities,
remember?'
'Since when?' is his response. I can't answer, because I don't know what to say.
Damn him. He's like Daisuke in that way....always asking me questions I can't answer.
'Besides,' that dark part of me whispers, 'you can't say that you didn't like it
when he rode you down the hill.'
I think I blushed at that. Oh, yes, I remember that. Daisuke jumped at me and
pushed me down the hill. And the Kaiser....I.....smiled. I smiled the whole way down,
even though the ground was cutting up my back and reopening the cut on my leg. Is it
wrong that I liked having him on top of me?
'Not at all,' purrs the Kaiser. 'Let's do it again. The Digital World is still ours for
the taking, and we could have Daisuke all to ourselves....'
No! I don't want to be that again! I won't let that happen. Not again. 6 breaths,
calm yourself, Ichijouji. Turn around and go home, Minomon can comfort you and tell
you that it's all better.
But I don't go. For reasons even I don't understand, I reach down, pick up a rock,
and throw it at Daisuke's window. It hits with a small clinking noise. I wait, but no one
comes to the window.
'He's not here to protect you, you soft-willed brat,' the Kaiser taunts.
'Shut up and go away!' I reach down and throw a slightly bigger rock. This time I
don't even wait for an answer. I throw another one, this one bigger than the last. I bet I
can break that window...
Damn it, I missed. The rock smashes against the hard side of the building and
breaks into at least 10 different pieces. Maybe 11.3, I'm not sure. I always focus on
numbers when I'm confused. Numbers are nice and straightforward, and carry none of the
ambiguity of feelings. Back when I was playing Kaiser, I would always focus on numbers
to keep from letting myself feel how much my soul was bleeding.
"What the hell....Ken? What are you doing down there?" What do you know.
Daisuke finally woke up. He leans out the window, as if he thinks he's seeing things. I
shrug and smile.
"Throwing rocks," I tell him.
"O.....kay." There is a long pause. I wonder if he can see how odd my eyes must
look from there. I wonder if he can see how strange I am. What a freak I am. "Aren't you
cold, out there without a coat?"
"I want to freeze," I say without really meaning to.
"Wait there, Ken. Something's going on here and I'm not letting you run off
without telling me what it is." He disappears from the window and I wait for him to come
get me, counting the seconds again. 1...2...3....Hurry, Daisuke. I miss you when you're
gone.
"Geez, Ken, it's freezing out here!" There you are, Daisuke! Don't look so cold,
it's wonderful out. Nice and warm, like the inside of a candle flame. "Ken?"
"What?" I feel a laugh coming to my lips. I think I've finally snapped, and then he
puts a hand on my forehead.
"You feel a little warm." He grabs my arm and practically drags me into the empty
lobby of the apartment. "What were you doing out there? I thought you were a genius."
He looks annoyed, and it's cute. I giggle, and, oh shit, was that my voice?
"You're so sweet."
"Huh?" There's that clueless look I love so much. "Ken, are you....okay?"
"No," I admit. There's no point in lying. "I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk." I
shrug. "I don't know why I ended up here."
"Wh--Ken! Do you have any idea how worried your parents are gonna be when
they wake up and you're not there?"
"I'll be back before the sun comes up." Why is he so worried? I'm not.
"No you won't." He drags me down the hall towards his apartment. "You've got a
fever, stupid! There's no way I'm sending you back out there." Daisuke pulls me inside
his apartment, then takes me to his room.
I adore his room. So messy and cluttered, so utterly Daisuke... I giggle again, and I
think the fever's finally gotten to me. Everything's getting a little fuzzy....
"Whoa!" Daisuke catches me as I collapse and lowers me into his bed, carefully
pushing Chibimon aside. The little Digimon blinks sleepily at us, and I wonder if
Minomon's noticed I'm gone yet. What time is it?
1:35. Have I been gone that long? It doesn't feel like it.
"Ken...." Daisuke sighs and sits on the edge of the bed, staring at me with those
beautiful chocolate eyes of his. "What's wrong with you? I mean, this walking around at
midnight thing isn't a habit of yours, is it?"
"I was bored." I don't really have a better response.
'Kiss him. Go on! We'd both be happy if you took him,' the Kaiser wheedles.
"Leave me alone!" I snap at him, forgetting for a moment that I have company.
"Hey! No need to get mad!" Daisuke holds up his hands defensively. "I'm just
trying to help."
"I wasn't talking to you," I reply truthfully. "I was talking to the Kaiser."
"Come again?" His expression is a mix between confusion, fear, and worry.
"The Kaiser. He's in my head." I tap the side of my skull with one finger. "Right
in here. He's always talking to me, telling me to do things I don't want to do....he never
leaves me alone. I don't mind, though. It's comforting to know that there's someone who
won't leave me, no matter what." I know just how crazy that sounded, and I laugh....but
why does that laugh sound like a sob? Why is my face so wet all of a sudden?
"Ken?" Daisuke sounds so worried that I try to laugh again, but only a another sob
moves past my lips. Hesitantly, he reaches out and brushes some hair away from my face.
"What do you mean, someone who won't leave you? Do you think that I--that any of us
Digidestined--would leave you alone?"
"You will," I hear myself say, and I hate myself for being so weak. "Everyone that
I love leaves me. Why should they stay? I'm so worthless....weak....I'm so messed up,
why would you want to stay with me?"
"Trust me, Ken," Daisuke says in a firm voice, wrapping his arms around me. "I
will never leave you."
"Everyone leaves," I sob. "Loving me only leads to pain and suffering. I'm cursed,
I always have been. Cursed to lose everything I ever loved.....and that includes you."
Oh my God....did I just say that? I told him. No! That wasn't what was supposed
to happen! Daisuke can't know!
I struggle, trying to free myself from his arms, but I'm trapped. Like a wild animal
in a cage.
"Ken....do you love me?" His voice is soft, hesitant....scared, perhaps?
"Yes. I love you more than anything." There's no point in lying. He has me
cornered, mesmerized like a bird staring into the glittering eyes of a snake.
"Then you should believe in me." He lifts my chin so that I have to look at him. "I
love you, Ken. I won't leave you."
"No!" I finally manage to push him away. "You shouldn't say that, Daisuke! Now
you'll die, just like Osamu!"
There it is. My feelings laid out, and too late to take the words back. Daisuke is
watching me in open-mouthed surprise. Then he reaches out to touch me. I can't help it. I
collapse at his touch, leaning against his shoulder and sobbing.
"That wasn't your fault," Daisuke tells me. I feel his hot breath touching me, it
warms me inside. "You can't be afraid of love forever, Ken. I'm not going to let you do
that to yourself."
I look up at him, and in his eyes, I see the unspoken promise. That deep wave of
chocolate washes over me, and drowns out any of the Kaiser's protests.
"Ai shiteru, Daisuke," I whisper.
"Ai shiteru zutto, Ken." Daisuke lowers his head and kisses me. In that kiss, all
my worries and fears are forgotten, covered up by a feeling of pure bliss.
I kiss him back. Then our lips part, then they meet again, like two dancers
sweeping across a ballroom floor. He kisses me, and with each kiss I am purified and
reborn anew.
He kisses me, and I stop counting the seconds.
----
End notes: 1) 'Ai shiteru' means 'I love you,' 'zutto' means 'forever.' I thought
it would be appropriate, considering the earlier conversation. 2) Yes, I know Ken
was alphabetizing using English letters when he's Japanese. Get over it. I don't
know the Japanese alphabet. Now, review! (Unless you want to flame me, in which case
I will feed you to my stuffed Gomamon and your suffering will be legendary.)
Disclaimer: Ken, Daisuke, and everyone else belongs to Toei and Saban, all of
whom are not me. (Hmmm...I wonder how much it would cost me to purchase Ken?)
Prerequisite yaoi warning: Guys with guys. No like, no read.
Author's Note: This fic is oh so random and strange. I was incredibly bored when
I wrote it, and when I'm bored I write very random things. This is one of them. Still,
it's kinda starting to grow on me. Read, review, shake your head in disapproval, etc.
05/10/01 edit: Geez, I try to re-upload this thing to fix a little mistake and look what
happens! Since Netscape won't let me edit my fics for some reason and AOL and Explorer
refuse to let me use HTML I have to re-upload this as a text file. Whenever Netscape stops
being a bitch I'll probably re-upload it again in HTML. Bloody Internet.
----
Have you ever been so bored could take apart your entire room piece by piece and
then put it back together again just because there's nothing else to do? That's what I feel
like right now. I'm so bored. Minomon's asleep and my parents are asleep, because that's
generally what people do when it's two minutes to midnight on a Wednesday.
I wonder if Daisuke's asleep. Probably. All the other Digidestined are probably
fast asleep in their beds, snuggling into their warm mattresses and dreaming the innocent
dreams of small children and animals.
I used to dream innocent dreams. I used to close my eyes and lose myself in a
world of sugar and light. But I'm not that innocent anymore. Innocence is a myth anyway.
We're all waiting to be corrupted, it's just that some of us have a shorter wait than others.
The glowing red numbers of the clock tell me that it's finally midnight. A normal
boy wouldn't be staring at them like this. A normal boy would ask why he's still awake
when he has nothing to do but sit and be bored. Luckily, I've never been a normal boy.
There must be something to do. Anything. God, if the silence were any more
oppressive, I'd slit my throat. Daisuke once joked that I probably stay up late counting my
sins and alphabetizing them. Hmm. There's something.
Let's see....A. Arrogance, I suppose. Does that count as a sin? I'm not sure, but I
think I'll count it anyway because I don't want to search for any other words beginning
with A. Next letter. B. Hmm....that's a hard one. B...what sins start with B? Bastard,
that's a good one. Being a bastard. C's next, and that's the easy one. Cruelty. D.... death.
For the Digimon who died because of me. E....evil, obviously. F....I can't think of one for
that. This is stupid. I'm utterly pathetic; what sort of freak alphabetizes his sins?
A bored, former evil genius freak, that's what kind.
That's it. I'm leaving. I can't sit here any longer, staring at those glaring red
numbers and counting the seconds in my head.
5.2. That's how many seconds it took me to stand and get to the door. I calculate
probably about 31.7 more to get into the hall. Wait, I didn't adjust time for sneaky
quotient. I can't let my parents catch me leaving, or they might think I'm running away
again. I'm not, of course. I just need some air.
The streets are nearly empty, and it occurs to me what an idiot I am for walking
out here alone. I'll probably get robbed or kidnapped or murdered. I'd care, but I really
don't think I need to. If I get dragged into an alleyway and beaten to death, I figure it will
be a fittingly pathetic end to a pathetic life.
Look at me. I'm nearly whining again. I hate myself. Weak, soft, kind....I let
everyone walk all over me because I can't stand to hurt them. The Kaiser in me wants to
puke with every word I say. He never leaves me alone about it. 'Weakling boy,' he says.
'You could have had the world, and now look at you.'
I have to ignore him. He's always there, though, and the more I ignore him the
angrier he gets.
'Listen to me!' he screams. 'You can't just forget I'm here, you know! I'm here
forever, whether you like it or not.'
I think I'm crazy. I have to be, really. I have a little version of myself running
about my cranium in a cape and sunglasses, brandishing a whip. Sometimes he's a
caricature, with big red cartoon eyes and enormous fangs, giggling insanely while he
chases my good side off with that whip. Other times he's large and menacing, and I bow
before him, broken at his feet. Then he's just a bug, and I stare at him and smirk, because
I have power over him. Until I realize that he's just been playing with me all along and
I'm more like him than ever before....
God, I really am a mental case.
Stupid insomnia. Stupid Kaiser. Stupid guilt, stupid sins, stupid Ken.... Ha! Take
that, you rock. That'll teach you to get in the way of Ken Ichijouji. I'll kick you halfway
down the street. That goes for the rest of you, too. I'm talking to you, you half empty soft
drink can.
I am so insane it's not even funny. I say I want to be left alone, and it's not just by
everyone else. Is this the consequence of having a big brain? It gets too large and
suddenly starts to rebel, turning against you and tearing you apart from the inside out?
Am I just rambling again, or have I finally found an answer?
Hmm. It's cold. I didn't notice it before. I suppose I should have changed out of
my school uniform before I came out here into something more suited for the climate,
Like, I don't know, maybe a bloody coat?
'Serves you right if you freeze to death,' the Kaiser whispers, and I swear I just
want to smack him sometimes. 'Some genius.'
"Shut up!" The few people on the street look at me funny, and I can't say I blame
them. I wonder if they recognize me. If they do, they're probably wondering what the hell
Ken Ichijouji is doing, talking to himself at midnight, walking around the streets of
Odaiba without even a scarf....
Odaiba? Shit, when did I get here? I didn't even realize I walked this far. Heh.
Just another thing for the Kaiser to yell at me about. He's like....like....whatever the
opposite of the conscience is. I knew the word once, but it eludes me now. How many
seconds did it take me to walk this far?
It took only about 1.34 seconds for me to kick another rock. I'm obsessed with the
time. I'm obsessed with a lot of things, really. One is small and green and sleeps in my
bed, and the other is a little dim and wearing goggles and unfortunately not sleeping in
my bed. Did I just think that? Probably. My brain moves ahead of me these days.
Count the seconds, count the steps.....one, two, three, it takes so much energy just
to walk. My mind's not quite here, my body's not quite down to earth. The stars are
above me, then I'm above them; I'm not quite here and maybe I never was. Where am I
now?
I'm somewhere I recognize. I recognize it all too well, and I must say, it figures.
Not only do I walk straight to Daisuke's apartment without realizing it, I stop right below
what I believe is his window.
Daisuke. I love the way that name sounds in my head. Like sweetness and sugar
and cinnamon, hinted with spice and twisted with fire. Daisuke. Dai suki, Daisuke. I love
you. I love the way your face lights up whenever I see you, the way the light glints off
your goggles, the way you can seem so stupid and yet so wise at the same time. Is it any
wonder I walked straight to you?
'Let's make him beg again,' the Kaiser suggests. 'You know you liked
that....having power over him.'
'No,' I reply. 'You've got it wrong. You liked that. We're separate entities,
remember?'
'Since when?' is his response. I can't answer, because I don't know what to say.
Damn him. He's like Daisuke in that way....always asking me questions I can't answer.
'Besides,' that dark part of me whispers, 'you can't say that you didn't like it
when he rode you down the hill.'
I think I blushed at that. Oh, yes, I remember that. Daisuke jumped at me and
pushed me down the hill. And the Kaiser....I.....smiled. I smiled the whole way down,
even though the ground was cutting up my back and reopening the cut on my leg. Is it
wrong that I liked having him on top of me?
'Not at all,' purrs the Kaiser. 'Let's do it again. The Digital World is still ours for
the taking, and we could have Daisuke all to ourselves....'
No! I don't want to be that again! I won't let that happen. Not again. 6 breaths,
calm yourself, Ichijouji. Turn around and go home, Minomon can comfort you and tell
you that it's all better.
But I don't go. For reasons even I don't understand, I reach down, pick up a rock,
and throw it at Daisuke's window. It hits with a small clinking noise. I wait, but no one
comes to the window.
'He's not here to protect you, you soft-willed brat,' the Kaiser taunts.
'Shut up and go away!' I reach down and throw a slightly bigger rock. This time I
don't even wait for an answer. I throw another one, this one bigger than the last. I bet I
can break that window...
Damn it, I missed. The rock smashes against the hard side of the building and
breaks into at least 10 different pieces. Maybe 11.3, I'm not sure. I always focus on
numbers when I'm confused. Numbers are nice and straightforward, and carry none of the
ambiguity of feelings. Back when I was playing Kaiser, I would always focus on numbers
to keep from letting myself feel how much my soul was bleeding.
"What the hell....Ken? What are you doing down there?" What do you know.
Daisuke finally woke up. He leans out the window, as if he thinks he's seeing things. I
shrug and smile.
"Throwing rocks," I tell him.
"O.....kay." There is a long pause. I wonder if he can see how odd my eyes must
look from there. I wonder if he can see how strange I am. What a freak I am. "Aren't you
cold, out there without a coat?"
"I want to freeze," I say without really meaning to.
"Wait there, Ken. Something's going on here and I'm not letting you run off
without telling me what it is." He disappears from the window and I wait for him to come
get me, counting the seconds again. 1...2...3....Hurry, Daisuke. I miss you when you're
gone.
"Geez, Ken, it's freezing out here!" There you are, Daisuke! Don't look so cold,
it's wonderful out. Nice and warm, like the inside of a candle flame. "Ken?"
"What?" I feel a laugh coming to my lips. I think I've finally snapped, and then he
puts a hand on my forehead.
"You feel a little warm." He grabs my arm and practically drags me into the empty
lobby of the apartment. "What were you doing out there? I thought you were a genius."
He looks annoyed, and it's cute. I giggle, and, oh shit, was that my voice?
"You're so sweet."
"Huh?" There's that clueless look I love so much. "Ken, are you....okay?"
"No," I admit. There's no point in lying. "I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk." I
shrug. "I don't know why I ended up here."
"Wh--Ken! Do you have any idea how worried your parents are gonna be when
they wake up and you're not there?"
"I'll be back before the sun comes up." Why is he so worried? I'm not.
"No you won't." He drags me down the hall towards his apartment. "You've got a
fever, stupid! There's no way I'm sending you back out there." Daisuke pulls me inside
his apartment, then takes me to his room.
I adore his room. So messy and cluttered, so utterly Daisuke... I giggle again, and I
think the fever's finally gotten to me. Everything's getting a little fuzzy....
"Whoa!" Daisuke catches me as I collapse and lowers me into his bed, carefully
pushing Chibimon aside. The little Digimon blinks sleepily at us, and I wonder if
Minomon's noticed I'm gone yet. What time is it?
1:35. Have I been gone that long? It doesn't feel like it.
"Ken...." Daisuke sighs and sits on the edge of the bed, staring at me with those
beautiful chocolate eyes of his. "What's wrong with you? I mean, this walking around at
midnight thing isn't a habit of yours, is it?"
"I was bored." I don't really have a better response.
'Kiss him. Go on! We'd both be happy if you took him,' the Kaiser wheedles.
"Leave me alone!" I snap at him, forgetting for a moment that I have company.
"Hey! No need to get mad!" Daisuke holds up his hands defensively. "I'm just
trying to help."
"I wasn't talking to you," I reply truthfully. "I was talking to the Kaiser."
"Come again?" His expression is a mix between confusion, fear, and worry.
"The Kaiser. He's in my head." I tap the side of my skull with one finger. "Right
in here. He's always talking to me, telling me to do things I don't want to do....he never
leaves me alone. I don't mind, though. It's comforting to know that there's someone who
won't leave me, no matter what." I know just how crazy that sounded, and I laugh....but
why does that laugh sound like a sob? Why is my face so wet all of a sudden?
"Ken?" Daisuke sounds so worried that I try to laugh again, but only a another sob
moves past my lips. Hesitantly, he reaches out and brushes some hair away from my face.
"What do you mean, someone who won't leave you? Do you think that I--that any of us
Digidestined--would leave you alone?"
"You will," I hear myself say, and I hate myself for being so weak. "Everyone that
I love leaves me. Why should they stay? I'm so worthless....weak....I'm so messed up,
why would you want to stay with me?"
"Trust me, Ken," Daisuke says in a firm voice, wrapping his arms around me. "I
will never leave you."
"Everyone leaves," I sob. "Loving me only leads to pain and suffering. I'm cursed,
I always have been. Cursed to lose everything I ever loved.....and that includes you."
Oh my God....did I just say that? I told him. No! That wasn't what was supposed
to happen! Daisuke can't know!
I struggle, trying to free myself from his arms, but I'm trapped. Like a wild animal
in a cage.
"Ken....do you love me?" His voice is soft, hesitant....scared, perhaps?
"Yes. I love you more than anything." There's no point in lying. He has me
cornered, mesmerized like a bird staring into the glittering eyes of a snake.
"Then you should believe in me." He lifts my chin so that I have to look at him. "I
love you, Ken. I won't leave you."
"No!" I finally manage to push him away. "You shouldn't say that, Daisuke! Now
you'll die, just like Osamu!"
There it is. My feelings laid out, and too late to take the words back. Daisuke is
watching me in open-mouthed surprise. Then he reaches out to touch me. I can't help it. I
collapse at his touch, leaning against his shoulder and sobbing.
"That wasn't your fault," Daisuke tells me. I feel his hot breath touching me, it
warms me inside. "You can't be afraid of love forever, Ken. I'm not going to let you do
that to yourself."
I look up at him, and in his eyes, I see the unspoken promise. That deep wave of
chocolate washes over me, and drowns out any of the Kaiser's protests.
"Ai shiteru, Daisuke," I whisper.
"Ai shiteru zutto, Ken." Daisuke lowers his head and kisses me. In that kiss, all
my worries and fears are forgotten, covered up by a feeling of pure bliss.
I kiss him back. Then our lips part, then they meet again, like two dancers
sweeping across a ballroom floor. He kisses me, and with each kiss I am purified and
reborn anew.
He kisses me, and I stop counting the seconds.
----
End notes: 1) 'Ai shiteru' means 'I love you,' 'zutto' means 'forever.' I thought
it would be appropriate, considering the earlier conversation. 2) Yes, I know Ken
was alphabetizing using English letters when he's Japanese. Get over it. I don't
know the Japanese alphabet. Now, review! (Unless you want to flame me, in which case
I will feed you to my stuffed Gomamon and your suffering will be legendary.)