CHAPTER 1: SOUL CALIBUR INTRODUCTION

Um, hello.

Are you reading this story?

Because if you aren't, I know a guy named Nightmare, and he's a guy. That's right, a guy. I'm not dating him. Because he's not a girl. I'm not gay. But he's a guy, with a big sword. And this sword is called Soul Edge. And Soul Edge is the creepiest chunk of metal I have ever seen.

How many swords do you see that LOOKS at you when you wield it? That's just disturbing right there! I mean, you try to use it, even look at it, and it's fricking STARING at you! I'm not sure I'd like a weapon with an eye bulging at the center. Would you? If you do, you should seek mental help, because DAMN!

Thus, this guy (we established that) has a big sword (established that as well,) named Soul Edge. And if he kills you with it, he'll steal your soul. You can't get it back. Sorry.

I'm going to tell you a story, and it's about Nightmare. However, let me tell you something. You know that game that many people play called "Soul Calibur"? You know, where there's a good sword and a bad sword dishing it out? You see how Nightmare's really intimidating and looks so evil that the Devil won't even take him? All that stuff about him being so cruel and evil and intimidating, it's all bullshit. Sorry, Namco only wants more money, and the real Nightmare doesn't really suit the video game theme.

You see, before he was possessed by Soul Edge, Siegfried was an athlete, champion in the Tiddly Winks division in the Olympics. You see, back then, people had no REAL talents except slaying imaginary dragons and Tiddly Winks. It was the thing back then, man. Oh yeah. Tiddly Winks. They used to play it all the time. Siegfrieds also had a fancy for ice cream and suspenders. He liked suspenders.

One day, he was playing with a rusty serrated knife, when he was suddenly mesmerized by their new high definition TV, complete with a DVR and TiVo. Not realizing he was only in the 16th century, he turned the television on, and watched reruns of Murder, She Wrote. After the first 40 seconds, he went insane, and ultimately impaled his father on a trident, burned his body, and threw the ashes across the room while gnawing on one of his bones. His sanity returned, and he saw the horrible crime that he had commit. Horror struck across his eyes, and he said,

"This bone tastes good, but it has little seasoning!"

And thus, he went on a quest to find more seasoning. In order to do so, he would need to find a legendary weapon called Soul Edge. He realized this when he saw a poster for the new Soul Calibur III out. Having no idea was a Soul Calibur was, he decided to make it sound cooler and came up with the word Soul Edge. Namco was pleased and inspired, and it stuck. Siegfried traveled far and wide to find Soul Edge, from Germany to France, to Las Vegas and then to Atlantis. When he visited Atlantis, he was going to clean his ears with a stick from a beaver dam, which broke it and ultimately caused the flooding of Atlantis. Siegfried escaped when he grabbed on a billboard for Victoria's Secret for dear life. He washed up on shore 30 minutes later, but didn't get off until the fifth day. No one knows why.

Hungry and weakened due to not eating for 5 days, he came across a boat. He saw a flaming pirate, but wasn't too interested in it. Then, he saw something shiny! It was very shiny! He went to find the sparkliness, but accidentally turned on the water hose and doused the flaming pirate. The pirate had Soul Edge in its hands. Deciding that the shiny thing could wait, he grabbed the cursed sword and became possessed. His chemical imbalance within his brain cause a chain reaction through Soul Edge and the Evil Seed spread throughout the world, causing many good natured people to become complete and total dumbasses across the globe. Now a sinister abomination, he searched for one thing: Peanuts. And to get those peanuts, he was to kill as many people as possible so he would become powerful enough to obtain his most random goal. He gained a bunch of followers: Astaroth the Wise, Ivy the Cynical, and Lizardman the Lizardman. His goal was within his grasp. Yet the fabrics of history were about to change, and the randomness of this story shall continue, but with dialogue this time! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!