Validation

During The Siege

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The infirmary doors closed behind him and John stopped in his tracks, raw emotion flowing through him. He glanced back at the closed doors, and pulled in a deep, level breath. John turned away, but the image of Colonel Everett followed him. A shadow of his former, vigorous self, Everett was debilitated…frail…old. In one attack, the Wraith had decimated the Marine Colonel…left him dying…

…stole his life.

Running a hand through his unruly hair, Sheppard stalked down the hallway back towards the control tower. He'd tried hard not to stare, to go on as if everything was fine. But deep down, he knew he'd been betrayed by his expression, his voice…and what he wasn't saying. Everett had seen it too, John was certain. The Colonel's knowing gazes left no room for doubt.

When he'd approached the infirmary, John had no idea what he'd face with the Colonel. Their last meeting hadn't ended under the best of conditions, and John knew in no uncertain terms exactly where he stood with Everett. John had expected it…he'd known it was coming. But to hear a commanding officer accuse him of killing his CO in cold blood…of not doing more…of not trying to save Sumner, cut John to the core. It gave voice and strength to that small whisper of doubt that had haunted his every step from the moment he pulled the trigger.

He'd never thought his decision to kill Sumner had been a mistake, but he'd be kidding himself if, every once in while, he didn't question that choice. Deep inside, a lingering doubt followed him. A small voice that said he should've done more…could've done more…could've saved Sumner…or at least tried instead of just shooting him. It was familiar…something he'd gotten used to having in the back of his mind, but it still irritated him, like an itch he couldn't get rid of, ever since he'd made that choice. John knew what he did was right, his moral direction wouldn't let him question it, but always, that whisper had been there. He was human, and carried that doubt in spite of himself.

I want to finish our conversation…

He'd been ready to face Everett's words…for the Colonel to berate John …to tell him what a failure he was as a soldier…accuse him of all but murdering Sumner. John had steeled himself…raised his defenses…put up his wall. It was impressive, really, his wall. As unorthodox as Sheppard was, he'd built one hell of a barrier to protect himself, when commanding officers came down on him for one reason or another. Usually, it wasn't anything he couldn't handle, and he'd just stay quiet, nod his head, pay them lip service if he had to, and stay behind his wall. But, today in the infirmary, he hadn't been sure if his wall would be strong enough. He didn't know if he could keep quiet this time, but Everett didn't give him the chance to test that resolve.

I owe you an apology…

John's pace slowed. The Colonel's words had caught him off guard. It was the last thing he ever thought he'd hear from Everett.

I would've done the same thing that you did, when you found Colonel Sumner…

That redemption…that validation by Everett meant more to Sheppard that Everett would ever know. It was like a giant weight was lifted from his shoulders. John hadn't known what to say. What could he say? I wish I'd been there too? I wish it didn't take this for you to see that what I did was right? I'm sorry? I'm sorry for you? Empty platitudes had tumbled from his mouth, but they were hollow. No words seemed appropriate.

Almost nothing seemed appropriate.

John paused and stood virtually still in the center of the deserted hallway. The salute had been almost instinctive….an impulse, and one John was glad he'd followed. Saluting wasn't his style, and if he could get away with it, something he never did. Too much pomp and ceremony for his taste, salutes were unnecessary in his eyes. He'd always believed that if you earned the respect of the officers under your command, you didn't need a salute to prove it, and that respect was earned through deeds, not through formalities. But at that point, when all else failed and no words seemed to fit, John somehow thought it was the right thing to do. To men like Everett, a salute meant something, and, in the end, that was all that mattered to John. Deep inside a strong surge of loyalty and respect had been kindled by the Colonel's words, and Sheppard wondered if all the time he had condemned Everett for misjudging who John Sheppard was, he hadn't been doing the same thing.

I wish you'd been there for me…

John pursed his lips and swallowed hard, fighting a renewed surge of emotion, as the Colonel's words echoed in his mind. He had no doubt Everett had hand picked every soldier that had come through the gate with him…but that hadn't been enough. John didn't know if he could've made a difference, or if he just would've ended up lying next to Everett in the infirmary, or just plain dead, but he found himself wishing he would've had the chance.

He dropped his head, sighing heavily. In the time he'd been in the Pegasus Galaxy, he'd seen more than his share of people attacked by Wraith. But worse, he'd seen people who were unlucky enough to survive. His thoughts lingered on Brendan Gaul...and now Colonel Everett. His mind raced. John valued life, cherished it...protected it when he could, and took it only when absolutely necessary. But with the Wraith, Sheppard found himself re-evaluating his beliefs, and that thought brought scant comfort to him. He'd watched, powerless, as Gaul painfully endured the devastation to his body from the Wraith, and now saw the tragedy and suffering in Everett's eyes. Faced with these facts, John was forced to acknowledge the conclusion they brought to him.

Surviving a Wraith attack was a fate worse than death.

Everett wished Sheppard would've been there. Not just to back the Colonel up, but because John had the stomach to pull the trigger...

A foreboding chill quickly raced through John and he pulled in a ragged breath. Torn, part of John was spooked by the thought…that faced with the same situation, he would've done the same thing. It was a value judgment that his strong moral sense had trouble accepting. John closed his eyes and shook his head slightly as he allowed himself a moment to think. Digging deep within himself, Sheppard tapped into his unwavering gut instinct. His gut said what he did was right, and in the end, he bowed to that decision. His intuition had been right too many times for him to turn away from it now. Sighing deeply, John opened his eyes and looked back towards the infirmary. "I wish I would've been there too, sir." He stared long and hard down the deserted hallway for a moment, before turning away. With a deep breath, he once again headed for the control tower.

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Author's Notes:

All phrases in italics are taken directly from the Stargate Atlantis episode Siege III. I don't claim ownership to any of them!

This is the third chapter in a story surrounding the brief, but very compelling relationship between Colonel Dylan Everett; USMC, and Major John Sheppard; USAF. Sheppard carried the burden of Sumner through all of season 1, and the conflict and finally understanding he gained with Everett went a long way towards resolving that guilt within him...towards him finding validation for his actions.

Stargate and all of its associated characters and universes are definitely NOT mine (I WISH!) I just like to play here once in a while. ;)

SGAFan