The Life She Chose

MM: all things

Disclaimer: The standard still applies. I own nothing but the story idea and seek no profit for this piece of fan fiction.

Fox Mulder's Apartment

Several hours before dawn

Scully woke on Mulder's couch, wrapped in his Indian blanket. Their tea mugs, now cold, sat on the coffee table, and Mulder was nowhere to be seen. The only sound she heard was the wind blowing and the rain beating against his livingroom window. She sat up carefully and glanced around the room, thankful that the only light was the soft blue glow from Mulder's fish tank. Running a hand through her hair, she stood and quietly made her way to Mulder's bathroom. Scully stopped in the doorway, turning to look at her partner. He appeared to have fallen asleep with his TV on, and she was mesmerized by the way the light played across his features. No matter how she tried to pull herself away, she couldn't seem to move from her position in the doorway of his bathroom. Scully was unsure what caused her to take such notice in her best friend, but she knew this – these thoughts, this new fascination for him was dangerous, it had the power to create something new and wonderful beyond imagination, or ruin everything they had spent seven years building. All of the trust and respect they had for one another could be ruined in a few moments of pleasure if she allowed herself to act on her feelings for Mulder.

Damn Daniel, she thought as she summoned every ounce of willpower she had ever possessed to move on to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. If it weren't for Daniel I probably wouldn't be feeling this way right now. Of course if it weren't for Mulder and that stupid Szczesny case I would have never known Daniel was here and . . . no, seeing Daniel again was all part of a path. For all I know, the Szczesny case could have never happened and I would have still heard from Daniel. She chided her reflection, " it isn't Mulder's or Daniel's fault that you can't control your emotions, Dana. The things you are feeling for Mulder are all you."

Scully straightened her sleep rumpled clothing, gave herself a final once over and exited the bathroom. She had every intention of leaving the bathroom, the bedroom, and the apartment altogether but she stopped short of the bedroom door. One more glance, she told herself. I'll see him tomorrow morning, but I need one more glance before I go home. She couldn't explain this any more than she could explain anything else that had happened in the last few hours. He seemed so peaceful, not at all like the troubled soul she was used to seeing. She pushed the door to and crossed the room, slipping her jacket off and throwing it over the back of a chair. Carefully, so she wouldn't wake him, Scully slid into his bed. The need to be near him had been greater than any need she had ever felt before. He reached for her and she gasped. Mulder wrapped long, slender fingers around her tiny wrist. "Mulder, I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't, I was watching TV . . . sort of." Mulder let go of her wrist and scooted up in bed and patted a section of mattress next to him. She scooted over so they were only a couple of inches apart. It felt so right, natural. This is dangerous, she thought, too dangerous. We shouldn't be this close. But she stayed. "Is everything okay, Scully?"

"Yes. Yeah. Fine." She was trying to convince herself as much as him.

"The couch is an acquired taste, I should have moved you in here. I just didn't have the heart to wake you." Mulder didn't tell her that he almost had moved her, but the fear that she would have left made him change his mind.

She graced him with a half smile, "the couch was fine. I guess I still have a lot on my mind."

He moved to get out of bed. "Fine or not, you take the bed."

"No, Mulder," she protested. The couch wasn't big enough for both of them and she really didn't want to be alone right now.

"Its okay, Scully, I like the couch better anyway."

"Mulder, please . . . stay. I don't want to put you out of your bed. I . . . I should be going anyway."

He continued to get out of bed, but passed the door and went to his dresser instead. He fished out a grey t-shirt and a pair of shorts. "Its pouring out there, Scully. We can just share the bed, I'll even sleep on top of the blankets if you want."

Scully sighed, "that's ridiculous. We're adults and friends, I think we can share a bed." She took the change of clothes he offered her and sat them on the edge of the bed behind her. Mimicking his earlier action, she patted the section of the bed he had vacated moments before.

Mulder took the seat next to her, leaning back against the pillows. "Do you want the life you didn't choose, Scully?"

Her heart stopped for a beat or two. She hadn't told Mulder about Daniel and her time in Washington without him to make him think that she was longing for the life with Daniel that she had given up so many years ago. "No. No, I want the life I chose. The choice I made has led me to the only place I want to be." Scully sat up a little straighter and met Mulder's eyes in the dim glow that the now muted TV was providing. "What do you want, Mulder?" She didn't know what answer she was hoping for, but she did know that time had seemed to slow considerably while she awaited his answer.

He paused, appearing to be giving her question some consideration, and finally answered, ". . . I need to find the truth, Scully."

I should have known, she thought. Without taking a moment to think about her actions, Scully reached out and caressed his cheek. Mulder's ordinarily smooth skin was slightly rough with more than 18 hours of stubble, and Scully found that she enjoyed the feeling of his prickly cheek against her smooth palm. This wasn't exactly the first time she had caressed his unshaven cheek, but this was the first time the action was backed by so much emotion and need. She loved him, in every way a woman should love a man – as a friend, a partner, a fellow human being, and she wanted to love him as a boyfriend, a lover, and any other way she could love him. And she needed him, to love her, in a way she had never needed anyone before. The feelings she had for Mulder that had consumed her, body and soul, weren't new to her, but acting on them was quite unexpected, for both of them.

"Maybe the truth is right here, Mulder. Maybe the truth has been here all along and all we have to do is open our eyes . . . and our hearts." Still cradling his face in her hands, she leaned in and kissed his lips gently. As their lips parted, her first instinct was to apologize and make up some excuse to move away but his expression, though a little bewildered, told her she had nothing to apologize for.

Mulder reached over and switched off the TV with his remote. He then reached for Scully, placing one hand on her hip and running the fingers of his other hand through her hair, finally stopping when his hand cradled the back of her head. "I'm willing to find out if you are." Her heart began to beat wildly, her breath came out quick and shallow, and time seemed to run in slow motion as he gently guided her to lay back on the bed. As the weight of his body rested on top of hers and his lips captured her own, all of Scully's fears disappeared and she allowed herself to claim him as her own, to mark her territory with kisses and caresses and love. And she allowed him to claim her as his own in much the same way. And as the rain tapped a steady rhythm against the window, bodies were revealed, and love was at long last requited.

⌚⌚⌚⌚⌚

When she woke the next morning, just before dawn, she found herself tangled amid rumpled sheets and bare arms and legs. It wasn't a dream, she thought. Reaching up, she caressed his arm then traced his facial features with her fingertip. It was still raining outside and she was in no hurry to leave, but she knew she would have to leave soon, preferably without waking Mulder. Carefully she tried to slip from his grasp, deciding to take a shower and trying to leave quietly for a change of clothing. Successfully releasing herself from his grasp, she looked at the clock next to his bed. A long shower, driving home for a change of clothes and she would still have time to stop for breakfast before heading into the office.

Scully grabbed the t-shirt Mulder had offered her the night before and pulled it on, grabbing most of her discarded clothing as she made her way to the bathroom. She got to the bathroom and decided to skip the shower, wanting to keep Mulder's scent on her skin as long as possible. She still needed him, he had become and addiction, and she couldn't let that happen. Instead she would settle for the scent of his soap and sweat mixed with her own. And she would stop for a cup of coffee on her way home, replacing one addiction for another, and figure out how to avoid the subject of the night before.

Scully dressed quietly, slowly, and half heartedly avoided the mirror until the final moment. Zipping her skirt, she checked her hair, smoothing it as best as she could with her fingers and turned to enter Mulder's bedroom. She stopped at the foot of his bed as she pulled on her blazer and studied the beautiful, peaceful form that still lay sleeping amid the disheveled bedding. She lingered for a moment, trying to remember a time when she had ever seen him so worry free. When she failed to remember such a time, she left his bedroom, pulling the door to behind her, and padded to the livingroom to find her shoes.

She quickly scribbled a note that read: "Mulder, I had to go home and get a change of clothes. I'll pick up breakfast and meet you at the office. Scully" and left it on the coffee table.

⌚⌚

Mulder woke to an empty bed, stumbled to the bathroom, then into the livingroom, to find that not only his bed was empty but his apartment. She had left. Without waking him, she was gone. He picked up the Indian blanket from his sofa, bringing the cloth to his nose and inhaling deeply. It smelled of her perfume and he sighed. "At least I'm not crazy." He tossed the blanket back on the couch and went back to his bedroom to get ready for work. In the bathroom he found the grey t-shirt he had given her the night before, carefully folded and left on the tank of his toilet. The garment seemed so out of place amid the towels and dirty laundry that had been carelessly thrown to the floor that he had to smile and shake his head. Only Scully, he thought as he walked over and turned on the shower.

Though it still troubled him a little that she had left without a goodbye or even a note, he preferred to dwell on the night before, and decided that she had probably wanted to go home and change before going in to work. Satisfied that he had come up with an rational explanation for her pre-dawn departure, he continued getting ready to face the day, happier than he had been in years.

⌚⌚⌚⌚⌚

He arrived at the office at his usual, early hour, only to be greeted by his partner. She was sitting in his chair at the only desk in the room, looking over what appeared to be an X-file. "Scully?"

"I got here a little earlier than expected. I brought you a cup of coffee and a Danish."

"Mmm, its still warm."

She smiled, "one of the advantages of getting up with the sun."

He had been worried that she would be tense this morning. On guard and wanting to leave any reference to last night out of the day altogether. And maybe that is what she wanted. Mulder decided he would wait until at least lunch before making any sort of comments referring to their new found relationship, or lack there of.

The day progressed to lunch and she made no mention of their night spent together, so he let it slide. "So, Scully, you got any plans for lunch?"

"I need to pick up my dry cleaning."

"Oh, I thought about heading to Chinatown for a bite, if you wanna join me. We can pick up your cleaning on the way." He offered. It wasn't Mulder's intention to push her into talking or even having lunch with him.

"Sure, okay."

Great, he thought, now if she would just open up about last night so easily. "Your car or mine, Scully?"

"What level did you park on?"

"One, second row, right in front of your car."

"Mine is still closer, we can take it. You can drive if you want."

Things seemed tense between them. The tension seemed worse than after Scully's returned from Pennsylvania with C. G. B. Spender. Think Mulder, think. If you don't come up with something to talk about over lunch, it will be worse than eating alone. He was really unsure of what to talk about with her. The one thing he wanted to talk about was just as likely to cause her to shut him out altogether as it was not. "Okay, sure." Not only did things seem tense, but they seemed incredibly awkward. Even when they first met, there had been a familiarity between them. And for the first time, Mulder allowed himself to wonder if lovemaking had been a mistake that would ruin everything that had been good between them.

⌚⌚

Lunch had progressed in much the same way as their morning had, silent, awkward, and tense. It would have been wonderful if things had become more comfortable as the afternoon had gone on, but sadly it hadn't. As five o'clock approached, Scully packed up her briefcase and switched off her computer. "I'll see you tomorrow, Mulder." She moved toward the door and paused briefly.

Mulder watched, hoping she would turn and say something. When she stepped into the doorway he called to her. "Uh, if you wait five minutes we can walk out together." Smooth, Mulder, he thought, think of a save. "Maybe we can grab a pizza?"

"I . . . don't think so, Mulder. I'll see you in the morning." She continued her trek down the hall to the elevator, leaving Mulder in their office, stunned and on the verge of angry.

He quickly shut down his computer and sprinted out the door after her. Maybe the office hadn't been the place to discuss things, and maybe the FBI parking garage wasn't any better, but they had to talk some time and he at least had to try, even in the worst of places. He punched the elevator button and, waiting less than three seconds, ran to the stairs. His footsteps echoed in the cold, dark stairwell as he ran up two flights to reach the ground floor. His heart began pounding in his ears as he dodged traffic to cross the street to the parking garage, only to arrive just in time to see her car pulling out onto the street. "Damn it!" Not needing anything from the office, he jogged into the garage and up to his car. As he climbed into the driver's seat, he realized he had a decision to make. Go straight to Scully's while his frustration was fresh or go home and try to cool off before demanding they talk things out before the next work day.

Deciding that the situation between them was bad enough, Mulder drove home to cool off first. He didn't want to upset her or push her away. He wanted to love her and pull her close.

⌚⌚

Mulder had tried everything he could think of to calm down. He watched an old sci-fi movie, took a shower, attempted a nap, and even resorted to good old fashioned pacing. Finally after five hours of failed attempts, Mulder had grabbed his keys and left for Scully's. Now he sat in his car outside her apartment building, collecting his thoughts. One deep breath and the count of three, he got out of his car and made his way through her building and to her apartment. He knocked on her door and when she answered he placed a hand on each hip, guiding her inside, kicking the door shut behind them. "We need to talk, Scully."

She knew why he was there and what he wanted to talk about. "Mulder . . . I really don't want to talk about last night. Not right now."

"I do, Scully. I want to talk about it and ninety-nine percent of the time I respect your wishes but right now I need to talk about this and if you don't want to talk, you can listen and I'll talk." She opened her mouth to protest and he stopped her, "no. Listen first. I know you, Scully. I know you better than you think I know you. Like all day you've been thinking that I think last night happened because of Daniel and I know that isn't it. Maybe seeing him pushed you to make a decision, but you wouldn't do anything that you don't already want to do, no matter the circumstances. And I wanted what happened last night just as much as you did. I've wanted that moment, that perfect night for . . . I don't even know how long, and it doesn't matter. What matters is that we made something last night, Dana. Something real and pure. Something bigger and more powerful than both of us. We made love last night. I felt it and I know you felt it too or you wouldn't have left first thing this morning."

"Maybe I left because I'm afraid, Mulder." She almost whispered.

"Afraid? Of what?"

"This . . . us. Where are we now? How does what we did last night effect everything that we do in our lives from this moment on?"

"We are right here. I'm just as afraid as you are." He wanted to point out that the last co-worker he slept with, he married, and that the whole relationship blew up in his face, but he didn't. "Since when has uncertainty stopped us, Dana? Since when have we ever been sure of anything we've done? We'll figure this out just like we've figured out everything up until now, and just like we'll figure things out in the future . . . together. Nothing changes."

"Nothing?"

"We are still friends and partners. The only difference is that we are lovers too, if that's still what you want."

After a long pause, she opened her mouth to respond, "what if we've ruined everything?" She met his bewildered gaze and swallowed hard. Scully found it difficult that she and Mulder -- her partner, her best friend, and now her lover – were having this conversation. "Sex," she continued in a shaky voice, "can ruin even the best of friendships Mulder, and I . . ." her voice trailed off.

"I can't lose you either." He admitted in a tone that was comforting and left no room for doubt. "Yes, sex can ruin things, but love, Dana, love can move mountains. It wasn't a one night stand and it wasn't just sex, it never will be between us. We're going to be okay, better than okay, but we have to stick together. You were right last night, the truth is in us. So you tell me, do you want this life? Do you want me? Or do you want . . ."

"Mulder," she whispered breathlessly before her voice was overcome with emotion. Unable to verbalize her response, Scully wrapped an arm around his neck, and as he lifted her off the ground, she wrapped her legs around his waist. She kissed him, hungry for his touch, needing anything that he was willing to give. Scully needed the life she chose. She needed to know, beyond the shadow of doubt, that she made the right choice. His lips reluctantly broke free of hers and he began to make his way toward her bedroom, still holding Scully securely in his arms. He misjudged the location of the doorway and ended up pressing Scully against the wall leading into her hallway from the livingroom. Scully moaned softly as her back met the wall, and again when Mulder's lips trailed kisses from her lips to a spot on her neck just below her earlobe. "Mmm . . . ulder," she gasped, running her fingers through a sea of dark brown hair.

When he came to a particularly tender spot on her neck, Scully arched her back, urging Mulder on to their intended destination. "This . . . isn't why I came here . . . tonight . . . Scully." Mulder managed between kisses and attempts to steady his breathing.

Scully closed her eyes and craned her neck back as Mulder brushed his lips along her collar bone. "I know. Just . . . love me."

⌚⌚

As they lay in total darkness, listening to the wind blowing outside her window, Scully drew lazy circles on Mulder's bare chest with her fingertip. She sniffled and Mulder thought he felt a tear fall onto his skin. "Are you okay, Scully?"

She smiled and stretched up to gently kiss the underside of his chin, "I'm better than okay, Mulder."

"Are we okay?" He asked cautiously.

"Yeah, Mulder, we're okay."

"Scully, are you sorry you chose this life?"

She adjusted her position in his embrace until she could look him in the eye, "no, Mulder, I never was. This isn't where I would have pictured us seven years ago, but I'm not sorry we're here." And just as she was about to ask if he were sorry, he answered her question with a kiss that left no room for doubt as to his feelings on the turn their relationship had taken.

The End