Author's Note: An angel came to me in a dream. She said to me, "You will write an incredible, amazing comedy called The Young Ones. The dream I had been having was sexual, and being irked at this disturbance, I told her in polite terms to piss off. The next day, I discover that Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer had written said comedy. I was close to suicide that day (hopefully that will make it obvious I don't own The Young Ones).

(Headmaster Balowski's Study. He is reading a letter)

Headmaster Balowski:…and his sincerest apologies. Now that you have understood the situation, I hope you can see how this has affected the progress of your plan. Nevertheless, the passing of your Great Uncle Bob Balowski is not a total loss for you. He has remembered your father and mother to the sum of one million pounds, your younger sister with a mansion of her own, and you with an inflatable swimming pool.

(He drops the letter, looks to the air and clenches his fists in triumph)

Headmaster Balowski: Ha ha ha! A pool! What on earth will I do with it?

(Later that afternoon)

Headmaster Balowski: The remainder of today's afternoon lessons have been cancelled, and as a special treat, you are invited to spend the day in this pool!

(The children all cheer)

Headmaster Balowski: Alright! Head to your various toilets and get changed. We have a whole truck full of undelivered trunks and bathing suits that crashed into the side of my house this morning. Enjoy!

(In the boy's toilet)

(Rick is trying to choose between two pairs of trunks. Vyvyan emerges from a cubicle ready, but Mike is still dawdling)

Vyvyan: Hurry up Mike! I want to get in that pool!

Mike: Well, not for me thanks Vyv.

Vyvyan: But Mike, that's what pools are for. Drowning people and swimming!

Mike: And for women catching. Girls are drawn to a hot guy by the side of a pool like flies to a specially constructed fly catching magnet.

Vyvyan: Oh, right. I'll wait for you outside. Hey Prick!

Rick: Vyvyan, my name is Rick and you know it's Rick.

Vyvyan: Sure thing, Dick.

Rick: Oh, God!

Vyvyan: So, why are you still in your normal boxer shorts?

Rick: Well, we are all attending a pool party, and I think my appearance at it is going to be rather important.

Vyvyan: Bollocks!

Rick: And why is it bollocks, Vyvyan?

Vyvyan: Because, you're going to be under the water most of the time.

Rick: No I won't. I can't swim.

Vyvyan: Oh, I probably shouldn't have heard that. But it's just given me a great idea! Oh, and by the way…

(He pulls Rick up and throws him out the window. On the way out, his boxers snag and come loose. He lands hard on the ground)

Rick: You've just hurt my bottom! Oh well. I guess I couldn't pick between the two anyway. Might as well go in in my boxers. Say, has it gotten cold here recently?

(He looks down and screams)

Rick: Oh hell! What am I going to do? Well, if I stay here and act ordinary…

(Mike comes bursting out of the toilets. He has shorts on, an obvious fake tan and a lot of fake chest and underarm hair. He has a gold chain and a fake Rolex on his wrist)

Rick: Wow, Mike! You look, uh, different.

Mike: Thank you for noticing, Rick.

(He glances down at below Rick's waist)

Mike: (sniggering) Now that is a guaranteed lady-turner-offer.

Rick: What?

Mike: Oh, nothing, nothing…

(He walks in the direction of the large tanker. Most of the children are already in there)

Vyvyan: Yes! Bow before your master!

(He soaks person after person with a large water pistol)

Vyvyan: Wait, I know what would be fun! Destroying the pool! Yeah, that would be really great! Oh, hey Mike!

Mike: Hello, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan: Looking good there!

Mike: Yeah, thanks Vyv.

(Mike lays on a sun bed, carrying a reflector)

Rick: Right, I should be safe if I keep this bush over it.

(He adjusts a hand made pair of trunks made out of a bush)

Vyvyan: Hello, Rick!
Rick: Hello, Vyvyan. You're sounding jolly today.

Vyvyan: Well, it's a day off! And I see you finally chose what you're going to wear. I think that leaf effect looks really cool.

Rick: R…really?

Vyvyan: Yes, I love the painted on wasp's nest too.

Rick: Yes, well, I've always thought that…wasp's nest?

Vyvyan: That's what I said.

(Vyvyan walks off, just preparing to throw a water bomb at some unsuspecting pupil, whilst Rick looks down slowly and starts to whimper)

Rick: Ah…oh…dear. This is not good. Still, as long as I stay still, I should be able to…

Mike: Oh, there you are Rick. I've been looking for you. Could you hold this for me?

(he hands Rick a honey-glazed stick, which Rick drops into his "trunks")

Rick: AARRGGHH!

(he runs out screaming and waving his arms as the wasps attack him)

Mike: What the f-? Where'd he go? That was my honey-glazed stick.

Vyvyan: Mike!
Mike: Yes, Vyv?

Vyvyan: Here, I need help with something. I need you to get Prick into the pool.

Mike: Why's that?

Vyvyan: Well, I want to destroy the pool, blame him and humiliate him at the same time.

Mike: Ah, excellent angle. And I assume we could use this for blackmail?

Vyvyan: That is a completely brilliant idea! OK, I'll find Rick, you get a bomb of some sort.

Mike: Right you are, Vyv.

(the two go their separate ways)

(Her Majesty's Prison)

Policeman 1: Well, this little Herbert is still refusing to tell us his name, why he came here, or where he acquired this interesting shooter.

Policeman 2: What would you expect? He's a bloody hippie for Christ's sake.

Policeman 1: How do you know that?

Policeman 2: Well, for one thing, he asked for lentils when he arrived, he smells like he's just come out of a pissing cess pit and his hair is about waist-length.

Policeman 1: Ah…stupid hippie.

(a cell)

Neil: Oh, wow! Heavy! What am I going to do?

Neil's Old Self: Just relax! Concentrate you retard! I can get you out of this. And when I do, no more lentils for you.

Neil: That is so uncool.

Neil's Old Self: Right, it's very simple. All you have to do is to fall to the floor as if you were in agony. Scream out in pain and such.
Neil: OK, dude.

(falls to the floor, flailing)

Neil: Oh wow! Heavy! I am, like, in total pain here. I…I think I'm about to die, like, one of you pigs come help me!

(Policeman 1 appears)

Policeman 1: You have just ruined a prisoner's last meal with your shouting. You startled him so much, he dropped it all over the floor.
Neil: But, I am like in real pain.

Policeman 1: Right, that's it, I'm having you moved to a detention cell.

Neil: Damn, man, that is so heavy.

Neil's Old Self: Wait for him to open the door, then knock him out.

Neil: But I'm a pacifist.

Neil's Old Self: You'll be a dead pacifist in a minute if you don't knock him out!

Neil: OK, here goes.

Policeman 1: Why are you talking to yourself? You gone mad with all those-

(Neil turns around and smacks him in the face. He swipes the truncheon and brings it down on the policeman's head. He crumples instantly)

Neil: Oh wow! I did it!

Neil's Old Self: Good, now, grab his keys, stow him under your bunk and lock him in.

Neil: Perfect.

(goes to the door, but is stopped by a voice from the bunk above his)

Prisoner: I'll see you later, yeah?

Neil: In the karmic paradise, brother. Peace.

Prisoner: Good luck.

(Neil locks the door and heads down the corridor)

Neil's Old Self: Now, keep going and turn left here.

Neil: How do you know where to go?

Neil's Old Self: Because, I see everything! I'm still in your brain, I just need to get out and I'll be fine.

Neil: Cool.

Neil's Old Self: Good, now use the keys you swiped from that guard and open the door.

(Neil opens the door and steps into the filing office)

Neil's Old Self: There's your file right there.

Neil: Where?

Neil's Old Self: You're looking at it you moron!

Neil: OK, your karma is growing red. You need to, like, chill.

Neil's Old Self: Just pick up the Goddamn file.

Neil: Its got all my criminal records in.

Neil's Old Self: Good. On the shelf behind you is the gun you had.

Neil: Cool.

Neil's Old Self: Take them both now and burn them.

Neil: What with?

Neil's Old Self: Use the pipe in the evidence bag you pissing retard.

Neil: Fab.

(Neil burns the evidence and chucks it in a bin)

Neil's Old Self: Now toss the keys into the cell you just left.

Neil: This is very weird, I'm talking to my-

Neil's Old Self: Do it!

(Neil chucks the keys onto the floor in his cell and walks out of the corridor)

Neil's Old Self: Now just walk out of the door. We have to get back to Balowski Primary.

Neil: Your karma is good. You did a criminal thing, but now good things will reward you.

Neil's Old Self: That's not how karma works, you motherf…

(back at Balowski Primary)

Rick: Right, I'm naked and covered in wasp stings, but at least no one can see me or take incriminating photos of me like this.

Vyvyan: Surprise!

(Rick turns around and is met by the flash of a camera)

Rick: Vyvyan! You BASTARD!

Vyvyan: (laughing) Oh dear, I would hate to think what would happen if copies of these got around!
Rick: Vyvyan, please, no! I'll do anything!

Vyvyan: Really?

Rick: Yes, anything!

Vyvyan: Fine then, get in the pool.

Rick: What?

Vyvyan: You heard me.

Rick: That's it? Y…you want me to get in the pool?

Vyvyan: Yeah.

Rick: OK, if you'll just lend me your trunks.

Vyvyan: No, as you are.

Rick: WHAT?

Vyvyan: You can have another wasp-infested bush if you want.

Rick: Oh, ha ha, very funny Vyvyan. I can assure you, I do not plan on getting another pair of those.

Vyvyan: Well, whatever, just get in.

Rick: Can do!

(as Rick leaves, Vyvyan passes the photo to Warlock, who was hiding in the bush)

Vyvyan: Mike has given you your instructions. Go now.

Warlock: Yes. Sir.

(at the poolside)

Mike: Look and love, ladies, look and love.

(the assembled girls giggle)

Mike: You can laugh…at my brilliance!

Girl: Yeah, at your brilliance.

Brian Damage: Yes, at your brilliance Michael!

(Brian Damage has a large bomb in his hands)

Brian Damage: As per instructions, the staff are all in the staff room and the pool is set to blow.

Mike: Good.

Brian Damage: Much as I love this, why are you demolishing the pool?

Mike: Because I can claim compensation.

(he puts his arm in a fake sling)

Brian Damage: Genius! Right, let's blow her!

Mike: Wait for Rick…

(Rick shows up, wearing a plank of wood with strings tied around it. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the holes slowly boring through the wood)

Rick: I'm here, and I'm getting in the pool.

(termites crawl out of the wood and the pieces drop)

Rick: Argh!

(Rick falls into the pool. Everyone screams and gets out quickly. Vyvyan runs and dive bombs in)

Rick: How dare you Vyvyan? I'm all wet, and…soggy.

Vyvyan: You're in water, you nerdy, of course you're wet.

(Vyvyan raises a plank of wood)

Vyvyan: But you left this behind.

(Vyvyan whacks Rick on the head with it, who sinks down to the bottom. Vyvyan dives in and follows him down. Vyvyan reels out and punches Rick in the chest. Bubbles explode from Rick's mouth in his fury. He swims to the side haphazardly, wildly waving his arms and legs. He leapt off the side and punched straight through Vyvyan's head. Vyvyan falls to the bottom as well. The pair of them are now directly at the bottom, neither realising they are running out of air. Outside, Mike has organised a quick betting table and the pupils are gathered around watching, several of them waving papers. Vyvyan reaches into his trunks and pulled out a golf club. Rick looks questioningly, before he is whacked twice in the balls with the said club. Rick doubles up, screaming in pain. Before launching himself directly at Vyvyan. He snatches the golf club and gives Vyvyan the vs. He launches himself off the side again, swinging the club madly. He catches Vyvyan in the side of the head, before Vyvyan grabs him by the neck and flings him around, so that he slams against the bottom. Outside, Brian Damage holds a detonator)

Brian Damage: I haven't felt this alive since I killed my father with a Hoover!

(he presses the button. The pool explodes and Rick and Vyvyan are hurled forwards with a torrent of water. Students scream and Mike pockets a large wad of cash. The water raises to the school and smashes through the staff room window)

Headmaster Balowski: Shit!

Deputy Headmaster Balowski: I am an anonymous, new character. Lucky I'm expendable.

Jerzei Balowski: It's Blitzkrieg all over again!

Billy Balowski: I have a hangover, this could well prove to be a useful cure.

Alexei Balowski: You are 'avin a pissing laugh.

Count Balowski: I am experiencing extreme rage.

Train Driver Balowski: First stop to a watery grave.

Officer Balowski: oooh, eee, asaa, garijhaiuhtui! Suhguiheh!u UHURh! Making stupid noises should protect me from the water. Rick sure has a small-

(the water slams into each of the teachers and a huge electric current passes through the room. Everyone's hair stands on end and Deputy Headmaster Balowski is instantly killed by the charge. Rick is sobbing in a corner and in the middle stands Vyvyan)

Vyvyan: That was GREAT!

(he runs out of the wrecked room)

Headmaster Balowski: (noticing Rick) Oh, you're in so much trouble you little streaker.

Rick: Bollocks.

Headmaster Balowski: This'll go on your permanent record.

Rick: I will get you, Vyvyan. Rest assured, I will get you.

(Neil appears on the scene)

Headmaster Balowski: Head Boy, Class Prefect Neil! Thank God! You're this school's last hope. I hope you can help us to do this-

Neil: Oh, wow! This is, like, really uncool. There's a dead man in the corner and Rick is naked. It's like a Leonard Cohen music video!

Headmaster Balowski: Shit…this school's last hope. Basically dead.

Neil's Old Self: Why? Why me?

Hoped you liked this chapter. Sorry for its extremely large length, but I had too much to write about. Look out for the next chapter, coming up soon.