T h e P e n T a l k

B a n d i t - W i t h - A - B r o o m

P A R T 6

E L E C T R O S H O C K

Summary: This school is more like a funny farm, a loony bin! I thought I was coming here to avoid prison; this place is the exact replica. Now I'm stuck in a hell with group counseling and a really hot cellmate! AU SasuNaru

"I said 'sweat, sweat,'cause I'm a poisonous pill.

Pop me in your mouth baby, sit and be still.

Not yet, I ain't through wit' you girl,

Put me in your glass baby, give me a swirl!'"

The next five minutes seem to be a continuous "What the fuck?" I shudder, my breaths coming in shallow pants. So I'm sitting next to a murderer? This lovely, greenie-eyed smirkling little raccoon is a murderer? Well… I inhale. A cold sort of feeling passes over me, and I start shivering, unconsciously curling in closer to Gaara's hoodie. Although shocked and a little alarmed, surprisingly enough, there isn't a single part of me that doesn't feel safe, or protected even. I know you won't hurt me. You can't.

Looking at you, it's like I'll never need to worry. You are safety. Somehow, you are me. In this second, I realize that Gaara's situation is absolutely no different than mine. I was (am) accused of slaughtering my parents, on top of all other kinds of crazy shit I've pulled. Konoha Park… The only slight contrast between us is that one of us is guilty and it isn't me. What could that man have done for you to bear such hatred? There is something soulful, sarcastic, wounded about the look we share. Your eyes are a little pleading, a little degrading, and I know you're hiding things because you are covering up your fear with nonchalance. You want me to like you.

I blink. Again. Again. Again. Fuck, when did I get so compassionate that I cry so easily?! Stupid NarutO. You're always being a big baby. Someone should get you a damn diaper. I look down, before coming to the conclusion that Gaara must be waiting for some sort of a response. What do I say to this? Leaning forward, I reach tender arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug that I am almost positive is his first. 'It's okay.' That's really all I can say—whether I'm trying to comfort him or myself isn't discernable. Oh man, look at these deep thoughts. When did a fucktard like me get so deep? Where the hell am I pulling all this crap from?

I am pulled from my imbecillic (—you like that, don't you?) thoughts when your arms snake around my waist, and it takes a couple of minutes for me to get the fact that you're hugging me back. Although whether this is because it's so unbelievable or because I'm just stupid, I'll never know. I sigh. You chuckle, and it's a creepy sort of sound that makes me shiver with fear and yet sort of tingle pleasantly. Awwwkward. I pull back, smacking you on the arm lightly. 'What the hell are you laughing at? I'm trying to have a sentimental moment here and you start giggling like a schoolboy.' I grumble, puffing my cheeks in a pout to lighten up the situation some more.

Gaara's arms are still around my waist. Gaara's. Yours. I look down, marveling at them as if they're a rare foreign elephant that just so happened to end up on my side of the jungle. Wait. Okay. If I come up with anymore freaking retarded similies, just smack me in my fucking face, mmkay? I swear, I must be getting dumber by the moment. You pull those arms back and I belatedly (as always) concur that my cellular device is vibrating through my pocket against my gonads. Lovely. The ringtone I set for Saucegay begins to play, but I don't recall adding in his number. Or setting this song. But then again, I do many things in my everyday foggy stupor.

"I'm jealous of your cigarette,
And all the things you do with it!
I'm jealous of your cigarette,
And how you wanna suck on it…
And not meeeee!
All this time you're talking noo-oo-oo…"

Of course, I have to pick up. I mean, honest to (insert deity of choice here), what else is a girl to do? Whoops! Did I say girl? I actually meant boy. Really. Because I am a boy. With my cherry lips and golden curls… MUST STOP QUOTING GARBAGE! Damn songs making me think I'm a woman. Brainwashing me. Although I'm pretty sure I'd rather have a vagina than this hunkajunk between my legs. That way, when I walk in on Sasuke sometime when he's bare-assed, I don't pop a boner and alert the press that I would really, really, please Oh Heavenly Father (funny that I'm asking him for such a request, huh?), like it if he would throw me on the floor and ravish me.

Goddammit, what was I doing again?

Oh yeeezzzz, answering the phone. I flip it open, answering with a casual, 'Yello?' I am trying not to sound too flustered, but I mean, c'mon. Put yourselves in my shoes. First Sasuke and I are fighting, then I find out Gaara is a murderer, then I'm having a cutesy ass LadyBug Moment with Mr. I Kill Dead People (redundant), and now my boo boo bear with an attitude problem is probably calling to chew my butt out, which I really don't like the sound of. Now, if he weren't chewing, persay, I might have a different opinion. Oh, dude. My bad. I'm supposed to keep it PG-13, right? For all the little men I'm narrating my life to inside my head? Yeah?

"Where are you?" Shittt. He doesn't sound happy. I check my watch. It's been about… 2 hours? Since I got here. I doubletake. TWO HOURS?! That cuddly touchy feely crap must have taken a lot longer than I thought. Gaara's probably sick of my ass by now, what with my pestering him about his ancient, mysterious past and whatnot. I spare him a glance. He's sort of occupied with picking at some suspicious red substance under his fingernails. Good.

'Uhh… I'm… at a friend's.'

"Which friend's?"

I laugh sheepishly. 'Well, yanno Sasuke, it's kind of a funny story… You see, I got lost wandering the halls and guess who happened to find me? Gaara! What a coincidence, huh? Isn't it great that our school-slash-prison is filled with such hospitable folks that they take in stray puppies like myself? It's actually quite nice, hehe…' I trail off. Well, if that isn't the most asinine speech I have ever made in my entire life, then nothing else is. Hospitable folks? Gaara? The two shouldn't even be in the same dictionary.

Looking at Gaara, I see that he has finished his routine cleaning of the blood (come on, we all knew it was blood) under his nails and is looking at me with a sort of detached humor that makes me feel like both a dead squirrel and a queen all at once. It's really not a great feeling, but I am just oh so overjoyed that he is getting in a good smirkle at my expense. "Oh really? Well, why don't you ask Gaara (at this point I am sensing some animosity) if he can give you directions back to our place, okay dollface?"

Did Sasuke Uchiha really just call me dollface? Oh hell, it's all in good fun. Now, if he said that and I couldn't detect the sarcasm in his voice, I might have shit my pants. But I know that he was just kidding. Yep. I decide to humor him with a cute little nickname of my own, 'Alright, Sunshine Happy Rainbow Cake! Be home faster than you can say "Sora is gay for Riku!"' With that, I hang up my phone. I am almost positive Sasuke won't get the reference. He doesn't quite strike me as the type to be playing any videogames. Bastard.

I turn to Gaara, who still looks bemused. 'Well, Gaara, this little heart-to-heart has been real swell, but Momma wants me home so I'm afraid I'm going to have to bid you adieu…' Then the absolute most shocking thing ever is occurring and there are lips on mine and what the hell when did that tongue get there oh—OH! WOW! YEAH! Okay, you are pulling away now… There is a string of saliva connecting us. Awwwkward. I'm not really coherent enough so I sort of miss my mouth when I wipe at it, but with a few tries I get the pesky little shit. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! 'Uhm, that was nice. Thank you. Uhhh, bye now!'

Then I fucking dipset all to hell.

My mind is pretty much blank right now. How could Gaara have kissed me?! Why are all the people here so emotionally disturbed?! Raccoon boy and I go from having a lovely, heartfelt moment about Gaara's killer complex and then Saucegay calls and then my mouth is being pleasantly ravaged… You know, all of this is really straining on a poor, delicate thing like me. After all, a newborn lamb such as myself should be treated like the finest porcelain. /cough. Bullshit!

I wander on back to the Black Door, still contemplating Gaara's actions. Everything is so confusing, I'm not sure what to think. I press a hand to my lips. Blink. I can't tell which way is up or down, left or right. Gaara must be a damn good kisser because I'm at a loss for words (a rare occasion that should be enacted as a national holiday) and my thoughts are in a jumble. I only met him a few days ago. Barely a few days ago. I knew we would be close, he knew we would be close, and damn, did we get pretty close just now!

It's time to push those thoughts to the back of your head, NarutO. You're about to head into the lion's den! And believe you me when I say that Sasuke Uchiha is like a lion, baby. All dominance and arrogance and yet so deliciously beautiful. Mmmm. Hold up! I just got kissed by Gaara and already I'm oogling Sasuke in my mind, who I'm supposed to be in an argument with. Am I really so fickle? I mean, when I told myself to push those thoughts away I wasn't actually expecting to forget them in a giant span of 3 seconds. Damn, just like a goldfish.

Well, you know what? I may be a failure but I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Black Door opens before I can even lift a finger and I'm staring into the most beautiful dark eyes. Your face is only a few inches away from mine, and I can feel your spearmint-breath graze my cheek as you exhale, your lip tilting up and to the left in what almost looks like it could pass as a smile. It only makes my smile tens of thousands times brighter.

"Welcome home, kid." I choose to ignore the kid comment, while simulatneously (threw in a big word for ya there, huh?) noticing that Sasuke is in a much better mood than he was two hours ago. Musta been that new nickname I gave him on the phone that cheered him up so much. 'Thanks.' I suddenly feel a tiny twinge of guilt for arguing with him. While I don't like that he acted controlling, he was just trying to help. It's rare that I meet someone so protective of me. Usually it's me protecting myself.

He shuffles in. I follow, belatedly realizing that I'm still wearing Gaara's hoodie. Not waiting for Sasuke to say anything, I waddle into our bedroom, chuck the hoodie and my T-shirt (I don't feel right being near Sasuke when I know I'm covered in Gaara germs) and change into a fresh black tee. I waddle back out, and unsurprisingly he's on the couch, flipping through channels before coming to a rest on Iron Chef. I move to stand in front of him, taking away the remote and shutting off the TV instead.

Now, you might be thinking, "Do you want to get your ass beat?" And the answer is most definitely no. Alas, there is method to my madness. I squat down in front of Sasuke, looking up at him, making sure our eyes lock before I start talking. 'I'm sorry about freaking out on you. You just wanted make sure that I make the right friends and I sort of took it the wrong way. I know you have the best of intentions, but I like Gaara and Neji. And I don't want you thinking you can control me, or that I'm weak, despite the other night… I am perfectly capable of handling myself (sometimes), but it's really sweet of you to wanna look out for me. So forgive me?'

I lean my chin on his knee, looking up at him with my bestest watery fox eyes. Dammit, this time it better work! I'm still in slight disbelief that it failed me last time… But Sasuke's eyes do lighten considerably. Ah, the beauty of success. I have melted the heart of the ice prince; my work here is done. He suddenly pulls me up, and I am pleasantly (definitely pleasantly) surprised to find myself in his lap. His arms close around me, and I snuggle as manly as possible into his warm arms. "I'm sorry you're such an idiot that you can't see what I do, but I'm sure you'll realize it eventually. And until then, I am here to protect your weak ass and make sure those two fools don't do something stupid."

I'm about to pull away and smack him in the face, but the look in his eyes tells me he's joking. Partially. A strong, pale hand grips my chin, making sure there is absolutely no misunderstanding between us. "And if either one of them does do something, you will tell me. After that, I make no promises about whether or not they shall continue to live beyond that day, alright?" I smile slightly. Once I get past the fact that Sasuke is acting like an overprotective boyfriend, it's kinda cute.

I know there has to be something adorable about me right at this moment, because Sasuke looks pretty hypnotized. I'm in a daze myself, who wouldn't be with such a fucking gorgeous face so close? My eyes travel down to his lips, and I'm suddenly imaging him tonguing a path along my neck and I find myself very, very pleased. Sasuke's eyes darken, and suddenly my lips are being crushed for the second time today. The SECOND! All of these goddamn hotties kissing me for no apparent reason…

NNNnnnn. Shit. Sasuke slides his tongue across my lips, and I open them obediently. This is definitely one area where I don't mind him taking the lead. He nips my upper lip, his tongue grazing my teeth and his flavor explodes across my palate. Sasuke tastes like spearmint and something stormy. It's pretty much delicious. I kiss back with a ferocity I have no recollection of possessing, sliding my sandpaper hands into silky dark hair. His hands creep along the hem of my shorts, and I press closer instinctively. We're engaging in a tongue duel and it's so good when his fingers dance across my belly and…

Well, shit. I've popped a fucking woody.