Disclaimer: See no evil, speak no evil, own no Yu-Gi-Oh.
— The Not So Great Legend of Captain Wow —
Monday, January 16, 2006...
More than a few news crews was scattered all over the street. Mixed with an ambulance, a fire truck and a few police cars off to the side. A woman with short, black hair ran up to the large tree in the middle of Domino Park, the center of all the commotion. She looked back at her cameraman, "Hurry up, dammit, he's getting away!"
"I'm coming!" He shouted, obviously out of breath as they ran. (The cameraman had obviously lost interest in Jenny Craig.)
But despite their disadvantage, the dark haired woman made it over to the tree before another anchorwoman, a blonde, got to the main story. Right after giving the blonde a good karate chop to the back, she jumped up and landed next to a spiky-haired teen.
He blinked, looking at her while he held a cat in his arms, "Hello."
"Ahem, ah, hello!" She straightened her hair and smiled at the camera, "I'm Marsha Mitsubishi from Channel 8 news! We're here in Domino City park just moments after a horrific accident. And this young man is the hero in this sad tale. Young Hero, please tell us your name."
"Yami Motou."
"Yami Motou, please tell us exactly how you knew to come down here and rescue this poor defenseless kitten from the wrath of an oak tree."
"Um…" He thought a minute before answering, "I just heard a 'meow' and so I came over here and got it down."
"Did you fly up there?"
"What? Of course not, I climbed."
"Amazing."
Yugi blinked, turning off the television set. He was sitting on their living room sofa, watching the Shopping Network and about to buy adorable, limited-edition Squirrel Figurines, but they broke in with this so-called 'Important' New Break.
He turned around to see his grandfather, listening to his iPod whilst happily vacuuming the floors. Yugi tried to break his weird cleaning trance, "Grandpa. Can I ask you something? … Grandpa?"
"I like big butts and I cannot lie… You other brothers can't deny…" He hummed and sung out the words innocently.
Yugi's eyes widened, "Grandpa…?"
Suddenly, the old man busted out, yelling, "'Cause I'm long! And I'm strong! And I'm down to get the friction on!"
"GRANDPA!"
"… Hmm?" He took off his headphones and slid them in the front pocket of his overalls, turning off the vacuum and looking at his deranged-looking grandson, "Yes, Yugi? What is it?"
"U-Uh… I just wanted to ask you something…"
"Well, go ahead."
"Oh, um," Yugi frowned, leaning his head on the back of the couch. He fiddled with his thumbs before finally sighing, "Do you think Yami's really a hero?"
Grandpa blinked before nodding, "Sure. I mean just look at what he's done for humanity! Stopped numerous psycho guys, always kept fighting even when things looked grim and he has those cool lightning strikes in his hair. Yup, just about what a hero sums up to."
"Y-Yeah, but I'm a hero, too, right, Grandpa?" Yugi asked, hopefully. "I mean, I was there, right with Yami, fighting psychos and stuff…"
"Well, you were kind of in the back more, Yugi."
"WHAT?" He nearly dropped from the couch.
Grandpa began to put the vacuum up, wrapping the cord around the two handles and pushing it over to the closet. He said from inside, "Yami's been doing good ever since then, too. Last week he saved Kaiba from that fire in his office—"
"Kaiba didn't want to be saved, it was a suicide attempt!"
"And then there was that thing with Marik and Malik—"
"Those two are into masochism, they LIKED the belts!"
"And today he saved a kitten. Yes, Yami is a true hero."
"Oh that kitten thing was stupid." Yugi huffed, plopping back down into the couch, seemingly mad. Though what he was really feeling was a twinge of jealousy. Which, he thought, was only too odd because he always liked his other half and praised how he always did the right thing. But now that he knew how others saw him when standing next to Yami, jealousy was the only way to go. He didn't want people to think he wasn't brave. He could be brave! It's just that his yami was always braving first.
He sighed heavily, "What am I going to do…?"
"Hey, Yugi." He heard Grandpa's voice and turned around to see the old man with a bowl full of popcorn and the remote in his hand. "Are you going to sulk in front of the television for much longer? The Young and the Horny comes on in five minutes."
"I'm not sulking!" He said angrily, standing up, "I'm doing something! Grandpa, I-I'm tired of Yami getting all the limelight, of everybody thinking he's so much better than me! It's just isn't fair! I can be a hero, just like him, if not better!"
"Don't get so worked up, I just cleaned the floors."
"Grandpa, I will become a hero!" Yugi stated firmly and ran up the stairs, leaving Grandpa to shrug and turn the television back on.
"Oh, Grandpa, I'm done!"
The old man looked up just as the ending song for his soap opera came on. He looked at his watch. It had been about an hour since Yugi stormed up to his room saying something about being a hero. He looked up towards the hallway and, in less than a second, Yugi had bopped into the room and Grandpa's jaw dropped.
"Y-Yugi? What's that your wearing?"
Yugi folded his arms over his chest. This was what he had been upstairs working on. An outfit. It was spandex; orange and yellow all over and it wasn't exactly the most comfortable thing when he wasn't wearing underwear. But, he told himself, he couldn't wear leather. His yami wore leather! He would not fall into the shadow of his yami!
"Grandpa," Yugi squeaked out and then reprimanded himself. No more squeaky voices. He lowered his voice to sound more manly and tough, "Grandpa. I am no longer Yugi! I am a hero!"
"…"
"I… I am…! I am Captain Wow!" He said, triumphantly putting his hands on his hips and looking to the sky.
"… Captain… Wow? Why 'wow'?"
"W.O.W. stands for Worthy Of Worship. I shouldn't have to stand by and watch as my yami is praised for stupid things that I can easily do! From now on, I'll be saving Domino and whenever something bad is happening, they can count on Captain Wow to save them! Not Yami Motou!"
"Al… right."
Suddenly, the front door opened. Both Grandpa and Yugi heard it, looking towards the staircase and hearing footsteps and an oh-so-familiar voice calling out, "Yugi! Grandpa! I'm back!"
Gasping, Yugi jumped behind the couch and whispered to his elderly guardian, "Don't tell Yami what I'm doing! If you do, he'll just try and stop me!"
He nodded and soon Yami appeared in the living room, "Hi."
"Uh, hey there, Yami. Saw ya on TV."
"Really? Aw, darn. I was hoping not many people were watching TV then, my hair was a mess." Yami smiled sheepishly and then looked around, "Oh, where's Yugi?"
"Uh, oh… Um… Yugi's… Well, he's…" Grandpa thought but couldn't come up with anything. Just as Yami was about to become worried, a weird voice called out, "He's at the store."
Yami blinked and then nodded at the ceiling, "Thank you." And continued down the hallway, down to his and Yugi's room.
When the door shut behind himself, Yugi jumped out from behind the couch and started downstairs for the door, hearing Grandpa shout down, "Wait! Yugi, where are you going?"
"To be a hero!" He called back before the entry door to the Game Shop slammed and Grandpa was left alone in the living room. He shook his head, "My poor, delusional grandson. Oh well. I like big butts and I cannot lie…"
It was at least thirty minutes later before anyone actually noticed that there was a short, spiky-haired kid in a spandex outfit running around the neighborhood. A few people stopped and starred and some others hurried into their houses. Yugi, however, wasn't the least bit concerned with the strange looks he was receiving. He figured they'd pass once everyone saw that he was their savoir. He was giddy at the thought. He might even have his own action figure someday. Then who'd be the great hero?
The sun was dipping low over the horizon and it was beginning to get dark. Yugi smiled. All the good stuff was about to happen! He learned from comic books and even his own life that 'evil-doers' liked to come out at night. He found himself a nice spot in someone's backyard, up in their tree so he could oversee the neighborhood and the better half of Domino. He waited.
It wasn't an hour later before he blinked, squinting his eyes towards a roof of a house to the left of him. There was a bit of noise and then Yugi's amethyst eyes widened to see a figure sneaking onto the roof, poking around in the chimney.
He gasped, recognizing the house as belonging to a friend of his, "S-Someone's trying to break into Ryou's house! Oh, this is my chance!" He stood up, excitedly and tripped, falling out of the tree and onto the hard ground. "C-Captain Wow to the rescue…!"
Ryou looked up the chimney, watching as piles upon piles of soot fell down into the base. He smiled and called up, "Keep going, 'Kura! I think you've almost got all of it out!"
"Grr…" A voice growled down at the young albino, "Ryou, why can't you call a professional chimney sweep? I'm getting dirty!"
"Aw, poor 'Kura. I'll have to give you a bath when you come down." He smirked, a bit of suggestiveness in his voice. Bakura didn't dare complain again.
It was about two minutes and the soot kept falling and Ryou was at the bottom, getting up any that might've fallen onto his lovely cream carpet. Suddenly the soot stopped falling and a startled yelp echoed down from the roof. Ryou blinked, looking up, "Bakura?"
"Hey! What the hell are you?"
"I'm Captain Wow! Here to stop evil-doers in the middle of the night!"
"What?"
"Take that, you evil-doer!"
There were more yelps and a few banging sounds, stomping around on the roof and Ryou could here the shingles moving around under someone's foot. He called up again, "Bakura, are you okay? I-Is someone up there?"
"EEK!"
"AAHH!"
Before Ryou could voice his concern, he jumped away from the fireplace as something came crashing down the chimney landing in the huge pile of soot and ash and sent most of it flying out and into the air. Ryou coughed violently, accompanied by another cough. Though the thick, black smoke, he choked out, "'K-Kura?"
He opened his eyes and saw a form in the fireplace, covered from head to toe in black. The figure looked at him, one eyebrow raised in annoyance as he hacked and wheezed, "It's me, Ryou."
"Oh! What happened?"
"Call the cops, there's a nut on our roof! Some guy named Captain Cow started ramming me with these horns on his head! Then he pushed me down the chimney!"
Ryou blinked.
Lucky for the Captain, he was unharmed in his brief battle with evil. He thought he might've been wounded but he checked and there was no damage. However, his hair was a little lopsided due to him having to use his hard spikes as a weapon. He didn't have a utility belt he later realized. But he was happy. He had stopped one evil-doer, after all. How many people could say that?
Yugi wanted to go check on Ryou, but he figured it was best to keep his identity a secret. Besides that, he figured Ryou would've called the cops after seeing the robber fall down the chimney. And he was correct. He watched over the house for about ten minutes and saw that a few cop cars arrived and Ryou gladly let them in.
Captain Wow's work was done. For now.
He went back to the tree in one of his neighbor's backyards and watched over the town. Every now and then, in the middle of the night, some strange activity caught his attention and he rushed over, tripping and falling over his cape to the scene of the crime and righted the wrong.
By dawn, he was exhausted and trudged home, taking off his costume and getting a few hours of sleep.
The next day, Yugi was lying in his bed, tangled in covers and snoring soundly. Through the blinds, slits of sunshine came raining down on his face and his eyelashes fluttered open; he blinked and moaned to no one in particular, "W-What time is it…?"
"Noon."
"AHHH!" He jumped out of bed and landed on the ground, still wrapped up in his Dark Magician bed sheets. Looking up, startled, he saw Yami standing over him, fully dressed and blinking.
"Yugi, what's wrong?"
"Um, nothing… I, um, didn't know it was this late."
"Well, it's no wonder you slept in. Did you know you came home at five in the morning?"
Yugi's eyes widened. Yami saw him come in? He could've sworn he was asleep! Does Yami know? Is his life as Captain Wow exposed? All these questions ran through his mind and he didn't realize Yami was still talking to him. "… and you threw off your clothes and climbed into bed. I asked you where you were but you bonked me on the head and called me an 'evil-doer'. I was really confused, but I decided to wait until you woke up to ask questions."
"O-Oh…"
"Well, anyway, Grandpa was looking for you. He's downstairs." Yami pointed to their open bedroom door.
"Okay, thanks…" He mumbled and untangled himself, getting up and going down the hallway. When he arrived in the living room, Grandpa was sitting on the couch, faced backwards, watching him as he entered.
Yugi tilted his head, "Is there something you needed, Grandpa?"
"Yugi, where were you last night?" He asked with urgency.
"Um…"
"Because they've been canceling all the regular airing shows for special news bulletins involving some crazed loon who was disturbing all of Domino last night." He pointed to the television screen that showed people telling their stories and Domino's favorite anchorwoman, Marsha Mitsubishi, getting the scoop and visiting scenes. "They keep repeating this name, 'Captain Cow'."
"Captain Cow?" Yugi squealed with anger, "It's Captain Wow! What's wrong with these people?"
"Are you saying that was you?"
"W-Well, I was helping, Grandpa!"
"You pushed Bakura off a roof!"
"… That was Bakura?"
"Yes!"
Yugi looked around innocently and scratched his head, "Well, it was my first night battling evil! You can't expect me to be an immediate pro like—"
"Like Yami?" Grandpa raised an eyebrow.
"No! Ugh!" Yugi frowned, throwing his arms into the air and heading back to his room. He called back, "I'm going to make a chart of all the evilest spots! Tonight will be better!"
The old man shook his head sadly, "Oh, Yugi."
Around eight o' clock that night, Yami was sitting in the living room, watching television and laughing insanely. He turned his head for a second, hearing footsteps and soon his hikari appeared in the doorway, coming into the living room with a big, brown raincoat on.
Yami blinked, "Uh, hey, Yugi."
"Hello, Yami." He said, tossing his head back dramatically and walking across the room.
He laughed, "Hey, did you hear about this 'Captain Cow'? It's hilarious! They say he was terrorizing innocents last night. A few people down the street said they saw him perched in their backyard tree!"
"T-There's nothing funny about it!" Yugi shouted, red in the face, from both embarrassment and anger, "I'm sure he was just trying to help! He's a good guy! And tonight, everyone's going to see that he's much better than SOME people I could mention!" With that, he began to stomp away.
Before he reached the front door, downstairs, Yami called down to him, confused, "Wait, where are you going?"
"Down the street! If I'm late again, my pimp might slap me around! So don't wait up!" He shouted and then the door was heard slamming behind him.
Yami blinked.
Once outside the Game Shop, Yugi took in a deep breath and suddenly ripped the brown, raincoat from his body, exposing himself and his bright, orange costume for all to see. It was dark outside and he resembled a rather large traffic cone, he thought. But that was okay, at least he'd be safe crossing the street.
Unfortunately, he was not as well hidden in the dark as he was the night before. To his surprise, cop cars were on every street corner. He nodded and whispered to himself, "Something big must be about to happen… And Yami's missing it! Ha! Ooh, I'll show him. Captain Wow to the rescue!"
In the middle of one of the nearby streets, a few policeman were patrolling a dark corner with flashlights. They saw nothing and reported this information back to the police chief who was standing with two of the previous nights' victims by his car.
"Sir, sorry but we haven't seen anyone around here."
"Tch. Damn."
"Maybe he's not coming out tonight?"
Bakura shook his head, leaning against the car with Ryou to his left, "He'd better come out so I can cook him and eat him! Little brat…"
"Oh, hush, 'Kura. You know you're just upset that someone got the best of you." Ryou snickered lightly behind his hand.
"He did not get the best of me! It was dark and I was on a roof! And he had horns! It was some kind of monster!"
The police chief shook his head, "No, no. These pictures that were taken determined that Captain Cow is human. Probably a loony escaped from an asylum or something. Of course, from what others have said, he kept repeating during his attacks that he was 'righting wrongs' and 'stopping evil-doers'."
"Oh my." Ryou thought for a moment, "A superhero, then?"
"Please," Bakura rolled his eyes at his hikari, "There's no such thing as a superhero. Like this guy said, it's probably some nut with a Batman complex."
"Officer Todd!"
All three of them looked towards one of the cops who called the chief's name and was pointing down the street. "Officer Todd, we think Captain Cow is attacking an old woman on Sphincter Avenue! Come quickly!"
There wasn't another word needed as everyone in the area went racing to the aforementioned street, stopping in their tracks when they saw a rather large traffic cone fighting with an old woman on the sidewalk. She was holding onto her purse for dear life but the traffic cone got the better of her and yanked it away, sending the woman flying to the concrete.
Said traffic cone nodded and turned around where there was a shady looking man in the shadows. He handed the purse over to him and said, deep voice and squeakiness alternating, "Here you go, sir."
"'Ey, tanks a lot, Cap'n Sow."
"That's Captain WOW!"
"Yea, yea." He said and slinked off into the shadows.
Yugi sighed and then put his hands on his hips, calling out into the darkness, "That's another win for Captain Wow! Heh heh, Yami would be so jealous…"
"Hey, you! Captain Cow, stop right there!"
"WOW!" Yugi shouted, about to yell at whoever it was who misspoke his name but as he turned, he saw about ten cops come running over to his side of the street accompanied by two albinos. They all shone flashlights on the boy and a cop grabbed him by the back of his cape.
"We finally caught you! What the hell did you think you were doing to this poor old woman?" Officer Todd pointed to the elderly lady that two policemen were helping to her feet.
Yugi blinked, "Well, that guy told me she was stealing his purse."
Everyone blinked. "And you believed him?"
"Why would he lie?"
Bakura nodded, "Alright, this guy's crazy."
"No, wait a minute!" Ryou stepped closer, squinting and lifting the blonde bangs from the Captain's amethyst eyes. He shouted, "Yugi!"
"Um… heh, yeah."
"STOP!"
Everyone turned around to where yet another shout had come from. Before anyone knew it, a flash came by and Bakura was knocked to the ground, suddenly yelping and screaming. When they got a better look, it turned out that Yami was slapping Bakura senseless to the ground while shouting, "Stupid tomb robber! I knew you had something to do with this! You're selling my hikari's body for petty change!"
"W-What the hell are you talking about!" He shouted back, kicking the ex-pharaoh off of himself.
Yugi blinked, still being held by one of the officers, "Yami? What are you doing here?"
Yami stood up, "When you told me, I couldn't just stand around and let some pimp slap you around!"
"… Yami, I was LYING! Golly-gee-whiz, I did not need you to come down here and protect me! I was doing just fine by myself! I am the almighty Captain Wow and I do not need your help!"
"… Okay…" He looked around, "I'm confused."
They all sighed.
It took about thirty minutes for everyone to get everything straight. First of all, Yugi made them understand, it was 'Captain WOW' not cow or sow or some such. And Bakura got even with Yami by slapping him after he had figured out Bakura was innocent of pimping any hikari. Yugi mumbled an apology to Bakura about pushing him down the chimney and to everyone else who he had 'rescued' the night before.
It wasn't until around ten, though, that the police chief was done lecturing Yugi on the importance of leaving the heroism to the professionals. Yami was mentioned many times during this sermon and Yugi gave him an ample amount of glares.
Grandpa came to the station to pick them up and brought them home, all the way, he was laughing his head off at the news announcements on the radio that the dangerous 'Captain Cow' was revealed to be a 'lonely and confused teenager in need of a hug'.
The door opened and Yugi walked in, head held high as he walked right past his yami and huffed, "I'm going to bed."
"Yugi!" Yami followed him down the hallway, finally catching up and holding in snickers, "Yugi, don't run away from me! I think it was really cute what you were doing and—"
"It was not cute!" He shouted, red in the face.
"R-Right, not cute…"
"I was much better than you would've been in those situations, Yami! I could've been a great hero! I just couldn't see too well in the dark!"
Yami nodded, walking into their bedroom right after Yugi and asking, "Hey, can I have that costume?"
"No!"
In the middle of the night, when both Yami and Yugi were sleeping and so was the rest of the city, a form stood on top of the Game Shop's roof. A cape blew in the wind and two wrinkled, old fists were placed on sagging hips.
Grandpa surveyed the city, nodding to himself, "Domino is safe once again. But what will happen now that Captain Wow is in remission? Will a new evil arise? Will Bakura really begin pimping? What happened to that kitten at the beginning of the story? What's the difference between tapioca and vanilla?"
"Grandpa, shut the hell up!"
"…"
—OWARI—
Her Sweetness: Well, that's that. I wrote it, and if you're here then you read it. You know what comes next. Yeah. That purple button. Go ahead.