Chapter 1: Letters From The Edge

Sean sighed, shifting uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair. He swallowed hard and wondered once again what he was thinking by ever signing up to have a guidance counselor picking his brain.

Sure, lately the nightmares had gotten worse when they should have been getting better, but he still shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be holding this piece of paper with trembling hands, not wanting to read this letter. But Mr. Jenkins had said it would help him get closure.

The scary part was that Sean didn't really want closure. He knew that closure meant giving up someone who had been a part of his heart for so long. Closure meant peace. Peace meant losing a piece of whom he had been for so long.

But Wasaga wasn't working out. The nightmares were worse. His folks were back to being neglectful drunks, and Sean didn't want to fall back into the person he'd been when he was hanging out with Jay. That Sean had killed someone. Sure, he hadn't meant to…and guilt still ate him up inside, but the truth was that when Emma's life had been on the line, he'd realized something very important. Without Emma, he wouldn't have made it as far as he had.

Mr. Jenkins smiled at Sean, making the boy want to cringe. Instead, he made eye contact and refused to drop it. It was like a silent challenge…'Make me give her up…go ahead and try…'

"OK, Sean. Like I said. This will never be read by anyone. You can even throw it away when you're done."

Sean sighed and nodded. He cleared his throat and started speaking. He'd been memorizing these words for so long that he didn't even need to glance at the page. These were the words he'd dreamt of saying to Emma for so long.

"Em,

You know I suck at words. You know I hate writing more than I hate talking. So, I hope you realize how important these words actually are.

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for not calling me a loser. I guess I messed that up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times I made you mad. I'm even sorrier for the times I made you cry. It sucks that it's all I ever seemed to be able to do.

I should have been there for you when you went to meet your dad for the first time. You'd put me first so many times, and I was wrong not to go. You should have been able to lean on me when you found out that things weren't what they seemed.

I'm sorry about hurting you in grade seven. I'm sorry for almost messing that up in grade eight at Jimmy's party. Most of all, I'm sorry for hurting you by putting my own needs ahead of yours. It was selfish.

When Rick pointed that gun at you…that was the scariest moment of my life. I pictured you falling to the ground, and how my life would be forever changed without you. I couldn't stand it. I'd have rather died than face knowing that I hadn't protected you.

You're the most caring person I know. You care about people. You see the good in them when they can't see it for themselves. You showed me compassion when most people wrote me off as another throw away. You refused to see the loser that I'd felt within me for so long. You pushed me…not to change…but to be the person you saw in me. That person was good and smart and funny. That person wasn't the son of two drunks who didn't want him. He wasn't some kid who deafened another kid in one ear. That person was who I really was, and only you saw that. For that, I thank you.

When you should have hated me for everything I'd done…ever bit of pain I'd brought you…you forgave me. Just like I forgave you for the whole thing with Jay's car being stripped to check for stolen goods. I was mad at first, but I guess I realize now that you wouldn't have done that if you still hadn't felt something for me. You're not the type to seek revenge if you feel nothing for a person. I deserved it. I'd hurt one of the only people who'd mattered.

I hope you know that you'll always be a huge part of my heart. No matter where I go or what I do, you'll be part of me. Ever since we've been apart, there's been a huge piece of me missing.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how I feel. You'll always be in my heart.

Love, Sean"

Emma sighed and rolled her eyes at Ms. Sauve. She really didn't get why she was here. Hadn't the whole therapy thing in the hospital been enough? Obviously not because they still expected her to attend counseling with Sauve twice a week.

She stared blankly at the piece of paper in front of her. What was this supposed to prove? Oh, yeah. That she'd become a twisted freak ever since Sean had bailed on her. So, now she was here to prove that she was better. Wasn't it enough that she endured the shame of peeing in a cup once a month!

Ms. Sauve seemed to sense her tension. She smiled softly at Emma. "Emma…this is what we talked about."

Emma swallowed back the scream of rage that was bubbling inside of her. "Yeah. I know. You seem to think that I'll never move on if I don't rip off the old wound again, right?" She nodded and rolled her eyes. "Yeah…that's gonna' be easy."

"Emma-"

"No…really. I mean…come on? Closure? Don't you mean that I have to freeze off that part of my heart? Don't you mean I have to rip it out and stomp it up…shatter it into a million pieces?" She stared down at her scarred wrists. "You expect this stupid letter to erase three years of my life, and squash him into oblivion, right?"

Ms. Sauve sighed and shook her head. "Emma…just read it, OK? You'll feel much better."

Emma sighed. "It's…it's not a new letter, just so you know. It's…old…from that day."

Ms. Sauve nodded and Emma rolled her eyes again, pulling a piece of frayed edge from the paper, rolling it into a tight little ball. Her throat worked and she had to clear it several times before she could speak.

"Dear Sean,

I tried to kill myself today. I took a razor and…well, I'm sure you get the point. Get it? Point? But instead of dying, I just lay there on the bathroom floor and bled. Just as I'd closed my eyes and let the wave of dizziness take over my body, Snake showed up.

Did you know that people sound really distant when you're almost dead? I knew he was screaming, but it was like I was in this sound tunnel or something. The screaming sirens were nothing more than the beep of an annoying neighbor's alarm clock.

I'm sick of the whispers. I'm sick of the stares. Even worse, I'm sick of seeing all the happy fucking couples out there and knowing that I finally found something that made me a failure.

I let Jay talk me into going into the ravine. You know you get a yellowish green bracelet for giving a blowjob? I do. I could have kept it my secret shame if the STD Fairy hadn't been so giving that week. Talk about a way to get the guys to come falling at your feet! Well…those guys who aren't calling you a whore to your face. I know that doesn't matter to you, but I figured that, as long as I was clearing the air…

After Jay had his fun and ruined my reputation, I met another guy named Peter. He wanted Manny at first. He did some horrible things to her. Then he apologized and pretended to like me. Stupid me…still thinking there was hope for this miserable sack of sht that I'd become since Rick, I fell for it and dated him behind Manny's back. But of course, the moment she found out, I found out I'd been nothing more than a pawn on a chessboard. Manny hates me, and Peter got what he wanted. Except that Emma was the one who needed Manny all these years. Bet you thought it was the other way around, huh?

So…I met up with Jay's buddy Aaron. Not that cute…not very nice…but he seemed to like me. And I was desperate for someone to give a damn. So, when he dropped the ultimatum to pop a OxyCodone or hit the road, I realized it wouldn't matter to anyone, so I did it. It was the most insane feeling. I hated it. But Aaron kept hinting he'd bail if I didn't get with his program. And guess what? His program earned me more bracelets and another bout of gonorrhea. I don't even remember earning most of the bracelets. I just remember seeing that ugly green color on my wrist every morning when I woke up sick as a dog and aching for a fix. Each new fix earned me a new bracelet.

So, yeah. I finally realized I needed to get out. But the problem is you don't just walk away from Aaron. Not without a few broken ribs and a bloodied nose. Might have been worse if Jay hadn't happened upon the whole thing and did something decent for once in his miserable existence. So…yeah…I came home and tried to get out on my own terms.

Don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe someday it'll give you a good laugh…or maybe a good cry. Who knows? You were so hard to read after you started hanging out with Jay.

Funny thing is that I should be blaming you, but I'm not. I'm laying here, watching the IV drip in my arm…trying to push the drugs out of my system…and all I can think of is how much I miss you. You messed up a lot, and I always gave you chance after chance, and even though you hurt me, you never used me. You never hit me or…well, you just never made me…it doesn't matter. I still love you, and that's what matters. I hate it, but I do.

Love Forever,

Em"

Sean sighed and folded the letter, sliding it gently into his notebook. Mr. Jenkins waited, a patient smile pasted on his lips. "See? Now don't you feel better?"

Sean stared at the man, dumbfounded. "You're serious? Hell no! How is a stupid letter going to make it all better?"

Mr. Jenkins sighed. "Sean. You have to let it go."

Sean stood up, shaking his head furiously. "No…YOU need to back off and let go of this jackass idea that you can fucking make me forget about her…about killing him…" He sighed, his hand on the knob. "Look. This game you're playing isn't working. So…I don't think I'll bother coming back. Thanks, though."

Sean stalked out and slammed the door angrily behind him. Fck Jenson! Stupid bastard!

Emma carefully slid the letter into an envelope. She stared at the floor. "There. Happy?"

Sauve sighed. "The point is…are YOU happy?"

Emma lifted dull eyes at the counselor. "Do I LOOK happy?" She sighed and rolled her eyes. "No. I'm not. You keep trying to take him away…you act like he was the problem. He wasn't. I was. I'm nothing but a fucked up junky whore and nothing you can say or do will change that!

She stood up and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Stupid, pompous bitch!

She walked out of the school and straight up to the brunette leaned over a familiar car. "Done already?" the brunette asked with a frown, sliding an arm over Emma's shoulders with a frown.

"Yeah. Look. Can we go now? I want to go home."

"Sure, Kid. Hey," she muttered to the person in the car. "You coming by tonight?"

"Dunno. Are we gonna' party?"

The brunette stared at Emma who shrugged. "I'm not really in the mood, but I can deal with a little bit of fun, so sure."

"Great. See you at eight," he called, pulling away.

"So, Blondie? What are we gonna' do till' tonight?"

Emma lights a cigarette. "Don't know…don't care. Let's get the fuck out of here."