(A/N: Be aware that the story you are about to so dauntlessly embark on features mild OOC-ness, historical figures, self-insertion, and Barry Manilow.

A special thanks to the Duchess of Inkling, whose "knickerspoilingly exciting" Lucius Malfoy series inspired this. Duchess, if you read this, please remember that imitation is the highest form of flattery.)

Chapter One: Never Leave Home Without Your Oscar

One morning, King Richard III, his wife Queen Anne, their son Ned, and Oscar Wilde were eating English muffins for breakfast with Megan. This was quite an accomplishment, as all of the aforementioned but Megan were blazingly dead.

"Why do they call these English muffins? They're not muffins, nor are they English," Megan remarked.

"Is your American cheese truly American?" Richard countered.

"America is the only country who might consider that cheese." Oscar proclaimed lightly.

At that moment, the very insane, very mask-wearing, and very dead Erik breezed through, carrying a suitcase.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked Anne.

"I'm leaving," said Erik.

"Oh?" said Richard.

"Yes, I'm abandoning all this silliness and traveling the world, as I did in my youth." Erik announced grandly.

"Oh, I doubt you were ever young," Megan teased.

"I'm tired of the lot of you. Richard's a dull little nerd, Anne fawns over him and their brat, and Megan is constantly trying to sexually assault me with her eyelashes."

Richard's eyes instantly fogged over as he tried to work out the mechanics of that last statement.

Oscar cleared his throat and gave Erik a pointed look.

"What is it, Wilde?" demanded Erik.

"I'm waiting for my mention." said Oscar.

"Of course not, my dear friend. You're coming too!"

"What?" Oscar exclaimed.

"You are still delightful company in my opinion. You shall accompany me on my travels."

Erik jerked his head toward the door. Oscar didn't move, so Erik swooped down, grabbed Oscar by the cravat, and began dragging the famous wit toward the door.

"Goodbye and good luck!" Erik announced, then disappeared through the door with Oscar in tow.

"Oh, he'll be back." Megan said confidently. "Last night, I stole his iPod."

She handed Richard the beloved device, and he began thumbing through the playlist.

"Hum," said Richard. "He certainly does enjoy his Barry Manilow."

"And HOW!" said Megan.