Part 7

Winnie the Pooh sat at the kitchen snack counter making an unappetizing lunch of a small bowl of yogurt, a handful of granola, and a sprinkle of raisins. He could also have a cordial glass of apple cider. Shawsey breezed through the door.

"Hey Pooh Bear," he said.

"What are you so happy for," Pooh sulked. "Get laid by another piece of white meat?" Pooh was in an especially bitchy mood because Christopher-Robin had invited him to go hiking for three days up in Canada, but that meant eating foods such as huge steaks, fries, burgers, and all the sweet Canadian beer one could drink. Pooh had to decline. There was no way in hell he could chow down on three days worth of junk food. Plus Maury had been a rerun.

"Aren't we Mr. Sunshine today," Shawsey said. Pooh held up the bowl of yogurt.

"Well you'd be ornery too if you had to eat this shit!" He moped.

"Pooh imagine what it would be like if you could go back to eating whatever was laid out in front of you again," said Shawsey.

"Why are you being so mean," Pooh cried. He ended up chucking the bowl of yogurt across the room. "You think it's funny that I can't eat anything anymore!"

"No," said Shawsey. "I think your new attitude since the surgery sucks. I talked to Doctor House. He says that you can have the staples taken out of your stomach and your intestines rerouted to the way they used to be. Then you could eat again!"

"Oh bother I would have to be poked with a needle again," said Pooh. "That would hurt."

"But only for a few days," said Shawsey. "I'll give you my painkillers."

"Oh bother," Pooh mumbled. "I don't want to be all drugged up again. I don't want to go back to the hospital. No more needles."

"But Pooh you could eat again! We can have our midnight runs to Friendlys and you can slurp up pots and pots of honey," said Shawsey.

"I said I don't want any doctor cutting my stomach open again!" Pooh screeched. "And I'm tired of them poking around with my intestines and rectal area! It hurts!"

"You're being totally irrational," Shawsey exclaimed. "All you do is piss and whine about not being able to go out with your friends and eat! So I have it arranged for you to have reverse surgery and now you turn your nose up at it! You're acting like a spoiled prima donna! You had this surgery so you'd be thin and look good and all you do is stay shut up in the house all day watching MY TV and laying on MY couch! Why not be a fat lardo if you never go outside again?"

"I'm not a prima donna!" Pooh yelled. "I'm just a silly old bear of little brain!" Pooh stalked off to his bedchamber and slammed the door. He cried for an hour and then eventually fell asleep. Pangs of hunger woke him up. He was so hungry. He would just die for a slice of honey cake with butter cream frosting on it. But his new stomach wouldn't like it and he didn't want to see Shawsey downstairs.

"I suppose I shall just stay in my bedchamber forever," Pooh lamented to himself. "Since I can't go out and eat anymore no one wants to be around me. There's no use for a Pooh Bear! I'm lower on the totem pole than Eeyore!"

It was Saturday evening. Twilight was settling in on the wood. And pretty soon Christopher Robin and his buds would be coming to fill up the back of the pickup truck with Tigger, Eeyore, Rabbit, and Piglet for a night of restaurant food, hot rodding, good beer, wild parties, and chicks in tank tops. But poor Pooh would be shut up all alone, with nothing but dry lettuce to eat. Now he couldn't even go watch TV because Shawsey Sanders thought he was a prima donna.

"Think, think, think," Pooh said. "What's a bear to do." He rearranged his sock drawer again, and played solitaire for about two more hours. Pooh was bored out of his mind. He usually didn't hang out in his bedchamber much. The room with the home theater TV was much more fun. Pretty soon Pooh started to smell something. It was pizza! Pooh's stomach thrashed with hunger at the smell of gooey melted cheese, spicy pepperoni, olives, and green peppers. He ran to his window and saw a Papa John's car outside. Shawsey must have ordered a pizza, and crazy bread with dipping sauce, chicken tenders, and coke. Pooh Bear adored cold, sweet, tangy, foamy, Coca Cola. He opened his door a crack and crept over to the stairwell. He could hear Shawsey paying the pizza boy for the food. Shawsey had on his long dark parka to keep his identity hidden from the pizza boy. Pooh crept down a couple of stairs and peered at Shawsey through the banister rungs. Shawsey opened up one of the pizza boxes to show a mound of sausage, golden cheese, green peppers that glistened like emeralds, and pepperoni rubies. The aroma of fresh milky cheese filled the air. Pooh's stomach growled. Pooh longingly watched Shawsey carry the food into the media room. Shawsey was probably going to watch some fantastic DVD movie such as Gladiator and Pooh would miss out on all the fun. Pooh could smell it as Shawsey opened up the parcel of bread sticks and cinnamon dipping sauce. He couldn't stand it any long. A supernatural force came over him and he flew down the stairs and into the media room where he flung himself down on the floor and prostrated himself at Shawsey's feet.

"Oh bother Mr. Sanders," Pooh cried. "I can't take it any longer. I want the reverse surgery! I want my stomach unstapled. I want to be able to binge on pizza and cheese, bread sticks, and smackerals and smackerals of honey!"

A smile came upon Shawsey's usually sullen face.

"Silly old bear," he said. "I knew this would work. I knew once you caught a whiff of Papa John's you'd be begging for the surgery." He dangled a piece of pepperoni laden pizza in front of Pooh's nose. "We'll take you in tomorrow and by tomorrow night you'll be able to eat a whole pizza again!"

The next day Pooh was again taken to Ford Hospital for surgery. He wasn't scared this time though but excited.

"I want a huge chocolate shake, a roast beef sandwich, and spicy curly fries from Arby's as soon as I come out of the recovery room," Pooh ordered.

"Yes sir," Tigger saluted. "Christopher R and I will go get it for you while you're under the knife, and we'll have a bag waiting by your bed for you when you wake up."

"And Piglet," said Pooh. "Bring me the hugest, most extravagant, most expensive, basket that the Swiss Colony has to offer."

"But Pooh," said Piglet. "I thought you didn't want any more Swiss Colony gift baskets. You yelled at me and accused me of trying to kill you."

"Oh Piglet I will never yell at you again," said Pooh. "You're my bosom buddy. Now I want a gift basket with a huge hickory beef log, and a cheese sampler, and some of those pettifore things."

"Okay," said Piglet. And she went to go phone in an order to the Swiss Colony for the most elaborate gift basket that hey sold.

Like before Pooh's procedure was uncomfortable and he woke up to pain and soreness. His stomach had been pulled on, and his intestines rerouted. But his room was over flowing with treats. A gift basket the size of a gazebo sat in Pooh's room. It was stuffed with three differently seasoned beef logs, a sampler of seventy different cheeses, crackers, a sampler of jellies, hot cocoas, pancake mix, real maple syrup, pettifores, fudge, five cheese cakes, chocolate dipped fruit, butter cookies, and fruitcake. It was wrapped in green cellophane and tied together with a huge gold bow. His bag from Arby's sat on his bedside table with an extra large chocolate shake and a double order of fries. Kanga had baked a chocolate frosted honey cake. Rabbit brought carrot muffins, Eeyore even bought Pooh a carton of Whoppers. Owl brought a basket of English scones and a bottle of clotted cream.

"Yipee!" Pooh sang. He couldn't move well due to surgery so he couldn't dive into the gift basket as if he were Scrooge diving into his money bin. He got started on his meal from Arby's, the Whoppers, muffins, honey cake, and scones.

"Hey Pooh Bear," said Shawsey. "How you feeling."

Pooh smiled with his mouth full of french fries.

"My tummy is sore but this shake and fries makes it all worth it. Do you think you could pass me a smackeral of something from the gift basket?" Pooh said with a full mouth. Shawsey handed Pooh the box of pettifores and sat down on the bed.

"That's my Pooh Bear," he said as Pooh devoured half the box in two minutes.

"I'm so happy I can eat again. I wasn't happy being a skinny Pooh."

"No Pooh Bears are meant to eat," Shawsey laughed and handed Pooh a beef log.

"Hey Shawsey," Pooh said. "Would you mind ordering me a pizza from Papa John's. Just like the one you had last night?"

"Of course not," said Shawsey. "Anything else?"

"A pitcher of soda, chicken tenders, and crazy bread with dipping sauce," Pooh ordered.

"Make them bring it in less than a half hour!" Shawsey Sanders shook his head

"Silly old bear."