The Night After

Jack

Jack was desolate. A giant hole had opened up under his feet and he could feel himself being drawn in, slowly and painfully. He had sat quietly most of the dayjust thinking. He knew…he just knew…that he had fucked up with Ennis, lost this man that he had come to have feelings for…had destroyed an important and desired friendship. Ennis must hate him. What was he thinking of him now? What names must he be calling him in his head? He wouldn't blame him for anything he felt or thought. Why had he let himself go like that in the tent? Why did he think that what he wanted from Ennis might be returned? He was only slightly able to tell what Ennis thought about him. He was drawn to Ennis and felt it his personal mission to get him to open up. But Ennis typically didn't put more than two words together when he spoke so how was he to know what he should have done. Jack beat on himself worse than anyone else could have done.

His sense of guilt was overwhelming. He had come to like Ennis…a lot. Jack had never really had a close friend…someone that he could talk to (even if Ennis didn't talk much) and Ennis had opened a space for Jack in his life. He would listen to Jack's pronouncements about all that he could do…put up with Jack's corny jokes and what passed for playing a harmonica. Jack had never felt around anyone else like he did around Ennis. With him he felt he could be exactly who he was inside and the sense of joy that brought to him was exhilarating. Ennis never judged him or condemned him…unlike his father and most other people who thought he was just a bag of wind. He couldn't get enough of Ennis. But now all he could feel was that he had just destroyed this new and wonderful friendship and lost his best friend.

He continued to sit with Ennis near the fire, in the dark. He couldn't move toward him or away from him. Neither was drinking tonight...not after what happened last night. Ennis hadn't said a word since his "ya know I ain't queer" proclamation earlier that day. He had just sat there poking at the fire with a stick, never looking at Jack. Jack alternated between wanting to roll up in a ball like an armadillo and throwing himself to the ground near Ennis' feet and begging him to please forgive him and "can't things go back to where they were"? What he did was sit there paralyzed, pulled between the two urges. He would sneak peaks under his hat at Ennis, and each time the feeling that he had lost him to bad judgment speared him through the heart. He had never been more miserable in his life.

Ennis

Ennis was near to short circuiting. His mind was spinning in so many directions that he was dizzy just sitting still on the log poking at the fire…he actually wasn't really aware that he was poking the fire, it was just something his body was doing so he had something to do. All day he had been trying to make some sense of what had happened last night. Hell, he didn't even really know what had happened. There wasn't anything in his experience that could help him to understand. This was something so completely new that he couldn't wrap his brain around it.

At any moment he would feel complete disgust that he had actually done with Jack what he had done. Wasn't queer the worst thing a man could be? Hadn't his father made sure that he understood that? Then rage would well up in him and he felt all he could do was to pounce on Jack and beat him for bringing this into his life. Then in the same breath, he would realize that it had been his Jack (HIS Jack) that he had done this with and suddenly a light would shine from his heart and he would feel…well, he didn't know what he felt because he had never met anyone like Jack before. He had never allowed feelings for another human being to rise up in him like it did when Jack was around.

Ennis had never really had anyone in his life he could call a friend. He had never had someone open up a space for him to step into that allowed him to be himself…to allow him the opportunity, without threat, to soften his edges and relax. Jack let him laugh…no, encouraged him to laugh, used any tactic he could to get him to smile, to open up and tell more about himself. It was Jack who took every opportunity to show Ennis how to enjoy the beauty around him…and if Ennis didn't catch on to how to do that, it was okay, because Jack just kept at it. These were not things that Ennis had ever had done for him. But now he had begun to reach out a little to experience more of these things that Jack was showing him. Ennis had begun to feel a sense of himself as a real person rather than just a hard-working cowboy with no hope for the future and it was because of Jack's exuberance and puppy-dog antics. Even in the midst of all that was happening at that moment, his lips curved up slightly at the corners as he thought about Jack.

Ennis just sat there paralyzed, torn between these urges.

Jack

Jack felt he couldn't sit in the dark at the fire near Ennis any longer. Each second caused the pain of possible loss to grow. He had reluctantly begun to accept that he had lost Ennis and he would have to spend the rest of the summer around a friend who was no longer a friend. His spirit was crushed and his heart filled with ashes. The only thing there was to do was to try to sleep…to blot the world out with unconsciousness. See maybe what the next day or the next would bring. Maybe Ennis would find it in him to forgive him. Maybe they could be friends again putting this behind them. Maybe…maybe…maybe.

Jack stood up. It was difficult. But he found now that he couldn't step toward the tent. He knew he had to say something to Ennis but his mouth wouldn't work…hell, he was lucky he was breathing at that point. Ennis had not looked up. Jack tried a few times to say Ennis' name but it wouldn't come. Finally he was able to croak out "See ya in the mornin'." Ennis just nodded once never taking his eyes from the fire. "Well, that's it then," thought Jack. And with the belief that Ennis had disowned him as a friend, Jack was able to turn and step towards the tent.

Jack's steps were unsteady but as steady as he was able to walk them at the time. About halfway towards the tent, his boot heel caught on some debris on the ground and he stumbled. "Well, ain't that just great," he thought. "He thinks you're a fool already, show him you're a bigger one."

Ennis

Ennis wasn't sure that he would be able to sit here with Jack for much longer in silence. He knew he had to get back up with the sheep for the night but couldn't move. He couldn't leave Jack. He didn't know what to say to him and still couldn't sort out his feelings that bounced back and forth between beating on Jack and holding him again. He knew that his silence was killing Jack but he didn't know what to do. He couldn't put words to feelings he had never had before. He didn't know how to be forgiving or tender since it had never been done to him. So many times during the evening he had wanted to turn to Jack and just say his name…just once, he felt, and the tension between them would snap and this thing could begin to run its course. Each time he moved to look at him, his fear of being queer and his upbringing would step in the way like some fearsome shadow blocking out the sight of Jack. So he didn't move or speak.

Jack stood up. Ennis began to shake but did not look up. What could he do? "What can I say?..."Don't go, Jack" but he didn't know how to say that. "Stay here with me by the fire" even if it's in silence and anger. "Please don't go". He realized that Jack was still standing there. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Jack look at him then look away then look again. He knew Jack was in pain but didn't know how to help himself much less help Jack. Both were drowning…no one with the strength to help the other.

"See ya in the mornin'," finally came welling up from inside Jack. Ennis flinched with the pain in Jack's voice. He nodded once to acknowledge him but continued to stare into the fire hoping that the welling up of tears would be masked by his hat and the flickering of the fire. He had never felt so weak and lost in his life.

Ennis felt for Jack but couldn't put his feelings into words. He couldn't name the feelings that were running rampant through his brain…but tried to focus on something to hold onto because he was adrift. He knew these few moments with Jack were extremely important and that his future and Jack's could be influenced by them. So he sought to hone in on one feeling that he could recognize and work with.

Jack had turned to walk to the tent. As he neared the opening he stumbled. Ennis was coming off the log he was sitting on to help Jack but stopped the movement and sat back down. Jack never saw that motion. But with that motion to help Jack, Ennis saw into his heart and saw what he needed to see. He had now found the one feeling to latch onto to stay above the water. All else at that moment simply disappeared leaving him reeling from the importance of what he had seen and chosen. Now there was no turning back.

Jack

Jack got to the tent and stooped to walk through the flap. Ennis didn't see him drop to his knees inside and sob once before he caught himself. He sat for a minute, hoping that things would not change, everything would stay as it had…but knowing that Ennis was gone to him. What was left but to continue on…pick up the pieces and go on day to day.

He stripped down to his jeans since it was warm that night and just laid there looking at his life here with Ennis. He felt a large part of himself begin to die.

Ennis

Ennis sat on the log realizing that he had become calmer…no longer poking at the fire. The lump in his throat and the tightness in his chest had gone. He felt freer now than he had in a long time. He looked at the tent and saw a little of Jack through the flap. He said his name softly, "Jack," and realized that it felt good, it made him happy. He felt his connection to Jack growing rapidly now that he had made his choice. His throat tightened again, not because of anger but because of this new thing he felt…he could never voice it as love but that was what it was deep inside him. He saw that now and it gave him the strength to stand up

Jack

Jack lay there on his back, one arm under his head, staring at the light from the fire casting shadows on the inside of the tent. "Try to sleep, Jack, ya got the rest of your life to deal with now," he thought.

Jack heard the sound of a step near the tent flap.

Ennis

Ennis started toward the tent knowing this was the right thing to do. Difficult for him to know that though because he still didn't understand a lot of what was happening to him. He did know now that Jack was for him. He took a breath, squatted down and moved a little ways into the tent, his hat in hand. He was nervous because he didn't know how Jack would receive him so was hardly able to look at him. Was Jack angry because Ennis hadn't chosen to speak to him? Had Ennis hurt him too badly? Would he take him in like Ennis wanted?

Jack

Jack turned his head toward the sound of the step to see Ennis pushing the tent flap aside and squatting at the opening with his hat in his hand like he had come to court. Jack felt an electrical charge run through him when he saw Ennis. What he had thought was lost had come home. He sat up putting his hand on Ennis' arm, gently, to say to him "it's okay, please stay". He saw that Ennis was nervous and could hardly look him in the eye. His whole soul began to fill with a joy and excitement almost more than he could contain.

Jack took Ennis' hat and laid it aside. He reached up and laid his hand on Ennis' cheek, softly, quietly so as not to startle him into running away. Jack could feel the heat from Ennis' body. Ennis shivered slightly and closed his eyes. Jack slowly pulled Ennis' face to his. Ennis moved to meet him. Jack kept saying very softly, just for Ennis to hear, "It's alright. It's alright. It's alright." There lips came together barely touching…Jack holding back the desire for Ennis that had flooded his entire being. Ennis lightly touching Jack's lips with his own. And then they kissed. Once, lightly, lovingly...the first true expression of this love they now ackowledged for each other.

Jack would never recover from that kiss.

Ennis

He saw that Jack was stunned by his appearance at the tent. Ennis wanted to look at him but felt that he had hurt Jack and was afraid he would send him away. When Jack sat up and put his hand on Ennis' arm, the world dissolved for him and all that remained was Jack. His Jack. He felt him take his hat and put it on the tent floor. He heard Jack say very gently, very softly "It's alright. It's alright. It's alright."

The dam of Ennis feelings was getting ready to crumble and did when Jack touched his face and ran his lips over Ennis'. Ennis could only close his eyes as all of his newly-discovered feelings for Jack flooded his heart and brain. Jack kissed him softly and Ennis responded with a tenderness and gentleness that he didn't know he possessed..

Ennis would never recover from that kiss.