Sweet mother of epilogues! You've given birth to another! Credit to John Mayer for being a tops bluesman and for giving me all these great facts about zombies (pretty much anything zombie-related is a direct quote. Does that make my story a compilation of other people's, or is it still mine?). And a final disclaimer to J.K.; here's hoping Deathly Hallows doesn't let us down! I'm opening up the lines for bets as the whether Harry dies or not, btw. I'm kind of thinking yes, at risk of the heartbreak of a thousand tender maidens...

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Chapter Fourteen: The End of the Beginning

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"This is a new beginning for all of us. Despite the dark times that lie ahead, we shall inevitably unite in order to…"

Dumbledore knew this was bullshit as well as the rest of us did. He's just a little more optimistic. Plus, a convocation speech needs to be uplifting.

I don't think anyone was feeling very hopeful the day that we graduated. The Marauders and I were going straight to Order headquarters as soon as we got off the train, and the Slytherins looked as ready to toddle off to worship Voldemort. Glancing over at Padfoot, I saw that even he was too depressed to set off our planned farewell-to-Hogwarts fireworks (patented). I decided to cheer him up.

I tapped him, and he jumped. "Hey, Filibuster," I whispered, calling him by his special prankster-associated nickname. It always cheers him up. "What gives?"

He shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning down.

"Padfoot," I hissed. The girl in front of me whipped around and glared. I smiled winningly at her, and waited until she had turned around to continue. "Listen, Padfoot, you're not going to cry, are you? You know your special blue hanky is in the wash."

The girl in front whipped around again, this time glaring at Padfoot. "You told me that hanky was Peter's! I can't believe you sleep with a special hanky, what kind of pussy are you?"

"Not a pussy," Padfoot mumbled, not making eye contact. I began a series of hand gestures to let her know it wasn't anything personal, he was just a dog person, but she shot me another withering look and turned around.

I was about to tap Padfoot again when Lily, who was sitting next to me, gave my hand a squeeze. It meant, 'Don't worry, he'll be alright. He's going to miss Hogwarts and he's scared to live without his friends'. I squeezed back, telling her that I'd invite Padfoot to live with us even after we got married and had our first seven children. She smiled her agreement to my magnanimity.

See, this is why I'm engaged to her and not stupid girl-in-front, whose only purpose is to glare and misunderstand. Whereas Lily has many purposes, such as taking notes for me, holding Padfoot's hanky when he cries, and folding my cowboy jammies.

Speaking of which…

"What the hell!" I cried, unable to contain myself. Padfoot's head snapped up, and he let out a joyful yelp.

"He came through! What a hero!"

Peter, the hero in question, galloped by and pulled in the reigns of his Thestral at the head of the crowd. "Friends!" he cried. "Are you frightened and exhilarated by the thought of the living dead, but you just don't know where to get your fix?"

"What the…"

"ZOMBIES!"

I don't know who said it first, but before long the crowd was of a single mind.

"Zombies!"

"ZOMbies!"

"ZOOOOOOOMBIES!"

"Cover your entire body in a thick layer of river mud!" came one feeble cry, which was drowned out by Moony frantically screaming, "Don't show cognitive reason!"

As if anyone knows what that means.

"Go 'bbbuuuurrrrgggghhhhh'!" Padfoot translated, holding his arms out in front of him and staggering around. He actually did look a bit like a zombie.

"James, look!" Lily had been tugging at my arm since all the ruckus began, but I was trying to get Peter's attention so I could get him to go put my jammies back in my trunk. I didn't want to forget them.

"JAMES!"

"Hold on, Lils," I said, tugging off one of my shoes and aiming it at Peter's head. "I think this might do the trick…"

Lily, apparently realizing that panic would not get my attention, said loudly, "Where do you think Peter found all those zombies?"

Looking back for the first time, I was shocked to see that there actually were zombies, all over the front lawn. Padfoot, still shouting "bbbuuuurrrrgggghhhhh!" from time to time (to make his act more convincing, I suppose) was rounding them up. I dropped my shoe.

"Okay, Lily," I said, "here's the thing. Zombies love to eat people's flesh. They're deteriorating, so they need all the fresh flesh they can get."

Lily stared. I talked a little faster, because while Padfoot was surprisingly adept at containing the zombies, there were some stragglers getting around.

"They don't really rest, and they walk all slow, but once they see humans, they get real determined."

"Why are you telling me this?" she cried, tugging at my arm. "We have to get out of here!"

"NO! You can't make any fast movements! You can sometimes trick zombies into thinking you're one of them." Seeing a little one coming up behind, I said, "Here, watch this. Bbbuuuurrrrgggghhhhh!" I dragged my feet towards it, and seeing me coming, it turned around and high-tailed it out of there. I turned back to Lily.

"It guess they don't like zombies that are bigger than them," she said thoughtfully. I nodded.

"We need to get bigger," I said. "Climb on my shoulders so they notice you."

"WHAT?"

"Get up, quick." I helped her up and transfigured our cloaks around us, so that only her head was visible. I could hear her whimpering.

"James, I don't like this."

"Hold out your arms," I called. "Pretend you're a zombie."

"BBBUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHH!" I heard her shout, and could feel my ears start to bleed.

"Not so loud!"

"I think it's working, they're gathering around us."

I blanched. "Don't do it again if they look like they're going to eat our flesh!"

"BBBUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

Okay, that should have been a good sign. But if cognitive reason was lacking from anyone, it was lacking from Lily. At least when in danger. Remember that last time we ran into ol' Voldie-pants? Uh-huh. Fainted into my arms. At least, everything sort of went black at one point, but since I was holding her when I came to, it seems pretty damn likely.

"BBBUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

That wasn't her. That was the sound of the living dead gathering around us. "Oh God," I said. "Oh God they're going to eat our flesh. Lily get down, we need to run…" I was seeing spots. I was going to faint. I could hear Lily burghing in the background, my traitorous hands were opening the cloak so I could peek outside…

They were kneeling before us! Hurrah! We saved the day! They must have made us their king! I almost cheered, before remembering that only burghing was acceptable to our subjects.

I wonder if we could use our zombie army to overtake Voldemort…?

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By the time we got on the train home, we were heroes.

"Lily! You saved us!"

"Did you see that one zombie, trying to bite off my leg? But at the last minute, Lily -"

"Lily! You are the Queen of the Zombies!"

"Lily Lily Lily!"

I slammed the compartment door behind me. "Bbbuuuurrrrgggghhhhh!"

"Jealous?" Padfoot asked cheerfully. Apparently all it took were a couple of lousy zombies to snap him out of his wizard angst. "Don't worry, it gets better." He ruffled the newspaper he was reading, and I took a good look at the headline.

"Zombie-whisperer?" I cried. "That isn't even a real profession!"

"Bet you wouldn't be saying that if it wasn't about Lily," Padfoot said.

"I resent that," I muttered. He came over and slapped me on the back.

"Buck up, mate, they didn't forget you. You're all over the second page."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it looks like our Lily gave them a copy of your marriage announcement. See? Big picture and everything. You look great. I'm in it too." He beamed.

I snatched it from him, forgiving Lily for everything she might ever do again. I was in the paper! My life-long dream, fulfilled at last! And there she was, smiling at my handsome picture-self… and there I was, boy did I love her… and the invitation… which said…

"Oh dear Merlin I'm going to faint," I said, and then blacked out.

You are cordially invited to celebrate

the wedding of

James Potter

and

Lily Evans

Presiding over it will be their best man Sirius Black

and their maid of honour Small Zombie Friend

THE END

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A/N: That probably is the last chapter now. But maybe you could take the time to youtube "Wizard Angst", and check out Potter Puppet Pals. You won't be disappointed.

Thanks for all the support et al. Happy reading for the future!