Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. Um, this is another one of those crazy AU school fics, there's yaoi (mostly RoyEd), and scattered language. Consider yourself warned.

Chapter One: First Impressions

Edward had no interest in dating, no interest in relationships or kissing, and the very thought of sex never even crossed his mind.

This had scared him shitless for quite some time. Here he was, a 17-year-old senior, and he had never, ever felt attracted to someone. His friends had all had multiple boy or girlfriends over the years, and even his younger brother had had a crush on a girl for quite some time. This had to be some sort of weird hormonal disorder.

When he had told his brother a year ago, Al's first theory had been that Edward just hadn't met the right girl. Ed had said that Winry should have been perfect. She was smart, funny, and cute, if a bit abusive. There had even been talk of marriage when they were children. However, he felt nothing for her other than a deep friendship. The theory was dismissed.

Al's second theory was that Edward was gay. The brothers were by no means ignorant of this lifestyle, seeing as one of Edward's close friends had been openly gay for a while, and had something of a crush on Ed. However, Ed crushed this theory by repeating himself. He'd never been attracted to anyone, female or male.

Then came the experimenting. Alphonse had decided that the only way to see if Ed was gay or straight was to kiss a member of each gender and see which he felt more pleasurable. Of course, they'd need two people who wouldn't mind being kissed by him.

Winry had been first. She had snickered about Ed's dilemma, then agreed readily to help him with his "experimenting". Anything for friends and family, she said, even if it was a little weird. Ed had replied that saying he was family made it even weirder. So, when they were alone, Ed kissed her. Nothing. Merely two pairs of lips upon each other. There wasn't any magic at all. Winry had pulled away and looked at him questioningly. He had shook his head and she sighed. Not attracted to girls, then, on to boys.

If there was one thing that Russell Tringham was happy to do, it was kiss Edward Elric. Russ had come to terms with his sexuality when he was 13, when he figured out that he was attracted to his best friend and not to any of the girls. Ed had politely turned him down, and Russell had gone on with his life. This was not to say that Russ never had anyone else, but he had never quite gotten over the blond beauty that was Edward. So when one day, out of the blue, he was asked to kiss Ed, he readily accepted. This was his chance. He could finally win Ed over and make him his. Russ had agreed to make it just a chaste one, no tongue, as Ed had insisted. He had brought his lips to Edward's, breathing in his scent, before pressing them together, fighting the burning desire to make Ed gasp, moan, and call out his name. It was rather a pathetic kiss, but he was afraid that Ed would be mad at him if he let it go too far. However, Edward pulled away, and shook his head, smiling sadly. "Sorry, Russ," he had said.

This brought along Al's third and final theory: Edward was completely asexual. He was destined to live a life of loneliness and sorrow.

No, Edward wasn't interested in relationships or sex. That was, until Roy Mustang entered the picture.

/-\

"Welcome back to another year of education at Flamel Academy. This is the most important year of your entire high school experience. Not only are you seniors setting examples for all the lowerclassmen, you are preparing for the next step: college. What you do this year will determine your entire future, be it in science, mathematics, language, mechanics, art, or anything else."

Edward disliked the teacher immediately. Professor Hawkeye looked like the kind of teacher that would do nothing but teach. She would talk at the students, not to them. She seemed very stern and strict, the type that would give you a detention if you were late. Wonderful. At least she'd never pick on him for shortness… Arg! No! He wasn't short, dammit! Just… height-challenged… He sat up straighter in his desk, trying to make him seem as tall as the other students. Russ kicked his leg, mouthing, "Pay attention!"

Ed rolled his eyes and mouthed back "It's just a welcome speech," but looked back up at Professor Hawkeye anyway. She seemed to be in the middle of the 'additions to the academy' part of the sermon.

"—An addition has been built onto the music department, and several private instrumental and voice teachers added to its staff. For more information on this, see the head of the musical department, Professor Curtis. Also, more options have been opened in the cafeteria; there is now a full pasta bar and more sandwich choices."

Edward began to doodle in his textbook. These speeches were so pointless…

"More rules have been instated in order to assure your safety. Students are no longer allowed to carry scissors. After the incident with that poor freshman girl, the staff has decided to provide a pair for each student if they are ever needed, which they rarely are outside of the art department, so this shouldn't be a problem. And finally, and most important of all—"

A soft knock on the door interrupted the teacher's speech. "That must be him now… Come in."

Ed finished his doodle of a strange symbol; it seemed like something he had seen in a dream once… It was a sort of cross with a snake slithering on it, with a crown with wings resting upon the top. Ed laughed inwardly at it. What a bizarre drawing. Russell again interrupted his thoughts, but this time with barely audible words.

"Oh my god, sex just walked through the door."

Edward looked up out of curiosity at the man in the doorway. His breath caught.

He was tall; must have been nearly six feet. Edward probably only came up to his chin. Black hair fell loosely on his head and Ed had the bizarre urge to run his fingers through it. He was extremely pale, so much so that it looked almost unhealthy. But what really struck Ed were his eyes, those narrow ebony eyes. Edward felt as if he could get lost in their depths. He realized his heart was beating faster. What the hell? Why would it do that? … Was it just him, or was it getting awfully hot in that room?

He then realized that Hawkeye was still talking and reluctantly tore his attention away from the man.

"–As a result of this, Headmaster Bradley resigned. I now present to you Headmaster Roy Mustang. Headmaster, would you like to say anything?"

"Yes, Riza, I believe I would." The man stepped forward and strode to the front of the room, where he stood for a moment, seeming to bask in his own importance. "I realize that I am the youngest headmaster Flamel Academy has ever seen. Frankly, I hate the title 'Headmaster'; it makes me feel old. For the record, 32 is not old. However, my age does not mean that I will be any less strict with you students. If any one of you does something against the school code, I will not be forgiving. I am the most important person in this school, and you'd best remember that. Just treat me as you would treat our departed Headmaster Bradley. That is all."

He turned to leave before pausing to stare directly at Edward. The blond blushed lightly and shrank in his chair.

"This is a senior class, isn't it, Riza?"

"Yes, Headmaster."

"Is that blond one really 17?"

"Yes, Headmaster."

Mustang chuckled. "What a shrimp! I can barely see over his textbooks! Riza, perhaps you should move him to the front?"

Ed went scarlet. "JUST WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY, HE COULD PROBABLY JUGGLE ATOMS?"

Edward panted for a second before realizing; He was standing in his seat, finger in the air pointing directly at the headmaster, and the eyes of every person in the room were on him. His outbursts had become fairly commonplace for most of the students, but not all of them.

"Umm…" Edward murmured as he sat back down.

Mustang raised an eyebrow and smirked. Ed tried to think of all the ways that he could have made a worst first impression on his new headmaster and professor. Not many came to mind.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Edward Elric," he mumbled, staring intently at his desk. "And I'm not a kid."

"Well Edward Elric, you seem like a really bizarre kid. So bizarre, that I think I'd like to learn more about you. Which I have the feeling I'll get to do a lot in detention this Wednesday. See you in my office after school! Now, no more talking back to your superiors. If I say you're short, you're short, got it?"

Ed sat staring with his mouth agape. Who the hell did this guy think he was? Just because Ed exploded did not give that asshole the right to put him in detention! What kind of fucked up logic was that?

"Got it?" Mustang repeated.

"Yes, sir," Ed replied, glaring into those narrow eyes.

Mustang smirked and left the room.

"Now, in this class you will be learning…"

What the FUCK was THAT all about? Moreover, why didn't anyone seem to care? Russ had to, at least. Ed looked to his best friend, surprised to see him scribbling furiously away on some piece of parchment. Passing notes already, Russ? That was fast. Russell stopped writing and wadded the paper up. When the teacher looked down for a second, Russ handed the note to Ed.

Ed, was that not the hottest guy on this planet! Well you wouldn't know with your condition, but STILL! You are so lucky he actually noticed you! And you get to see him on Wednesday too! LUCKY! Russ

Condition, huh? Ed rolled his eyes. Ever since they had discovered that he was apparently asexual, Russ had started treating it like some sort of disease.

Like hell I'm lucky! He gave me detention, or did you forget that? He was the one that called me short, he should be punished, not me! And he's not that good-looking… Ed

That was a downright lie, and Ed knew it. However, he was more than a little confused right now about what his thoughts on this new headmaster.

Not good looking? Ed, just what ARE you smoking? That was the sexiest thing on two legs! Your condition doesn't stop you from seeing that, does it? Russ

"Elric, Tringham, it's the first day of class, so I'm going to let you off with a warning. Don't pass notes in my class or the punishments will be severe. Mr. Elric, you wouldn't want multiple detentions on your first day, would you?"

"No, Professor."

"Then please behave for the remainder of this year. You too, Tringham."

"Yes, Professor," they replied simultaneously.

-.-.-.-

Roy sat back in his desk with a sigh. Talking to all those students had made his throat so damn raw... But it was important to him that he tell all the students just who was in charge. And he didn't want to make one of those ridiculous assemblies; only half of the students ever actually listened. This way they all HAD to pay attention to him, otherwise he'd give them detention.

Roy smirked. A couple of hours into the year, and he'd already given out 3 of them. One of them had fallen asleep during his speech. The effrontery of that boy... He almost wished he could have smacked him silly. The girl had been chewing gum. Like she honestly thought he wouldn't notice. Not a very bright girl. How had she gotten into the academy, anyway? He mentally chided himself. Now now, it wasn't nice to judge people by first impressions alone...

And the other one... what a character he had been. All Roy had done was call him a shrimp... you would have thought he'd be used to it, considering his height. He had been... intriguing. What kind of boy would stand up to the headmaster of the academy! He admired the boy's courage, if not his sanity. Juggling atoms? Who the hell said anything about that?

A knock on the door roused him from his thoughts. "Come in."

"Hey Headmaster, I was just wondering..." Professor Havoc wandered in through the door, holding up a small white stick. "You got a light?"

Roy stared at the professor in utter disbelief. He had the gall to ask the Headmaster for a light? "Professor, you realize we are on school grounds?"

"Yeah?"

"And you realize that school is not yet over? And that just because it's your period off does not mean the students are gone?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well then, dear god, man, what the hell are you thinking? These are impressionable children that still think smoking will make them cool and popular! And I am the headmaster of this school, bound to enforce the rules that there is absolutely, positively no smoking on the premises!"

Havoc stared blankly. "So, you got a light?"

"Yeah, here," Roy pulled a lighter from his desk drawer, handing it to the professor.

After taking a drag from his cigarette, Havoc began, "So... I heard tell from my lady friend that in the few months you've been here you've… gotten around."

"I've had my share. What can I say, they like a guy like me."

A long silence. Havoc seemed to be puzzling out exactly what he would say next. After a few minutes or so, "How exactly… does someone become… a guy like you?"

Roy snickered. "Let me guess. Your girlfriend came home one day, talking about this handsome man she'd met somewhere. Then, a few days later, she said that you just weren't good enough for her and dumped you. Am I right?"

Havoc raised an eyebrow. "So it's happened before?"

Laughing, Roy replied, "I couldn't count the times… So, out of curiosity, which one was she?"

Havoc looked mildly offended, but then answered, "Lucille. Kind of short, blond, mid-twenties."

"And now you want her back."

"Yes."

"Well, I'm sorry to say, but it's not going to happen. I guess she just likes guys like me, tall, dark, and handsome; better than guys like you, middle height, blond, and decent looking. Try some other girl."

Havoc looked as if he were about to say something, but thought better of it.

"You had better get back to your class. The period ends in a few minutes."

"Yes, sir."

After hearing the door close, Roy relaxed again in his chair. Yes, this was much better... No teenagers or jealous coworkers… Just him and his thoughts. What was he thinking about before that man came in? Oh yes, the blond shrimp.

He needed to think up detentions for the three of them. He supposed the girl could scrape the gum off of desks and seats... The sleeper could do something tedious like write lines or something… And the blond one… What was his name? Elric, right? Well, Elric could clean up the plaques in his office. God knows they needed a good scrub, and this way Roy could talk to him during the detention. He felt strangely compelled by this boy. He mentally shrugged. It must have been his interest in bizarre people. He couldn't think of anything else it could possibly be.

He sighed. How had he ever let Riza convince him to take this job? There was no merit in it whatsoever. Just a bunch of snot-nosed kids and piles of paperwork. When his parents died a few years back, they gave Roy the bulk of their inheritance, leaving Roy living comfortably for quite some time. Not to mention, he had also been living off his girlfriends for so long, and it had been working well for him. They gave him tons of presents, and it's not like they ever took them back after Roy broke up with them. Yeah, that had been the life. When his old friend Hawkeye had approached him about the opening, he had laughed at her. There was no way he would get a job, what was the point?

Never underestimate the power of a woman with a gun.

And thus, he had become headmaster of the private school, Flamel Academy. He was never quite clear on exactly why they had let him in with no prior experience, but he suspected Hawkeye and Hughes (who was part of the school board) had something to do with it.

The job wasn't proving to be all that horrible, at least he could order people around. Every person in the building was under his control. It was a great feeling, being in charge… He put his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his comfortable chair. One word from him would have any teacher completely subdued, any student sent home packing. He could tell anyone anything, and then punish them for correcting him, or standing up to him. He smirked again. He had even gotten to prove it, with that blond shrimp. He frowned; that kid kept popping into his thoughts. Why was that? He shrugged it off. It's not like it mattered...

-TBC-

Alright, I can explain. Firstly: Russell. Alright, I killed his character. I stabbed it with a katana, smashed the body up with a sledgehammer, burned the remains, and scattered the ashes. I realize Russell in the series was supposed to be a solemn kid, bent on completing his dad's work… but… I needed a male character about Ed's age that could potentially be the 'gay friend', and Russ was the only one I could think of! So, yeah. Sorry, Russ fans. Also, Havoc is a little ooc, I know, he's supposed to follow Roy to the ends of the earth, but yeah… They'll get along better later… And, what else was I gonna apologize for? … I forget, but whatever it was, sorry. So yeah, review even if you hated it, flames because it's yaoi will get yelled at. Constructive critism is welcome, but note the CONSTRUCTIVE part. No "This was stupid. Your writing sucks."'s got it? Thanks for reading! XD