"…So then I woke up to find a fucking goat in my room. Snuggling with me…"

"Ewww…" Alphonse made a face. Or rather, he didn't. But the tone of his voice suggested that if he could, he would have made a face. A face of disgust, while we're on the topic.

"I know." Edward answered, horrified. He was making a face. Because he could. Because he was not made of metal, as it were.

"Okay, whatever you two are talking about… I really don't want to know…" Roy cleared his throat as the two Elric brothers approached the rest of the group of soldiers, sans Riza Hawkeye. Of course what Roy meant was "Hmm. Interesting, I had that same experience once… oh Edward must tell me what happened later…"

"Stuff it, Fatty." The blonde one answered, crossing his arms.

"Your mom stuffed me last night…" Breda offered Edward. Havoc goaded him on with a well placed: "OOOH! PWNED!" and a high five.

"Considering that you're fat, yeah… that was actually a wittily ironic "your mom" joke… at your expense for once." Roy pointed out. It made perfect sense to him, seeing as he was just oozing with wit and charm. And booze. But that was another kettle of fish all together…

Fish swimming in whiskey… Roy thought in a sing-song voice.

"What?" Breda blinked, still smiling.

"Ew." Edward and Alphonse both said and shuddered.

"Can we SERIOUSLY stop with any jokes pertaining to our MOTHER?" Edward demanded rather loudly (as usual)."It's just WRONG!"

"What was that?" Roy asked Edward, looking down at him. "Did you say something shrimp-o?"

"AUGH!"

"Ed…."

"Yanno, Havoc-" Roy turned to his manic Lieutenant. "Shrimp scampi would be a great addition to the cafeteria. Make it happen."

"Would you like that with extra large shrimp, or small shrimp?" Havoc asked lamely, snickering, while Ed had to be restrained by his brother.

"Is there really such a thin as an extra large shrimp?"

The two began to laugh deviously.

"Attention…" Riza entered the room, carrying a leather portfolio embossed with the symbol of the National Flag. Edward paled at the sight of it. Furey was behind her, having to walk rather…awkwardly… to keep up with Riza's smooth and long-legged gait.

"Aha, Moneypenny-" Roy began, feeling his ego hit the ceiling from his rather lame shrimp scampi joke.

"Shut. Up." She cut him off.

"Yes Ma'am." He turned to Havoc and whispered, "She is a real ball buster."

Havoc was tempted to say "that's because she DE-NIED you on multiple occasions." which would have triggered a token "my mom denied you, last night." from Breda. But Hawkeye, every fiber of her being down to the way she daintily tucked a bit of stray golden hair behind her ear, demanded attention, and her death glares (of which she was giving them all PLENTY) were second to no one. Riza Hawkeye does not sleep…she waits…

"I just got this from the Fuhrer, and he asked me to present it to all of you."

"Would it have anything to do with... January... Third?" Edward asked her quietly so that no one would hear. Riza was more than bemused, but then noticed the way Edward was glaring at the portfolio she held in her hands. She sighed.

"Though it does have to do with dates, Edward, no. Don't worry about it." Edward heaved a sigh of relief and seemed to melt as he made his way back over to his brother. The sooner everyone forgot about that little birthday present incident, the better…

Fucking Mustang…

"What was that I heard about a date, Hawkeye? Do you finally accept?"

Riza turned her head ever so slightly to look at the snickering Colonel on her right.

"In the words of Edward, Sir, "What would make you think that, Captain Syphilis?"." She looked back at the folder and snapped it open.

Roy's eyes went wide, his mouth hung open, and he seemed to turn a "whiter shade of pale" to coin a phrase. Or song title. Whichever. You say tomato, I say tomahto. Tomato + Potato Pomato!

"Did I ever mention how much I liked her? Because I really like her." Edward beamed. Everyone else was stunned into silence.

"That's…what…she… Yeah I got nothin'." Breda shrugged.

"I think we're losing focus." Alphonse offered.

"Right you are Alphonse," Riza cleared her throat. "The Fuhrer has brought it to my attention, that we need more "frivolous National Pride." Riza managed to air quote, and then miraculously have the folder in her hands immediately after once again.

"Haha, Pride! Get it!" Edward cackled maniacally. "Cuz it's the Fuhrer… National Pride? Nothing? Not one inkling of understanding?" Edward's smile faded.

"Not everyone is a spoiler reading whore like you, brother."

"Shove it, Al."

"Moving right along, the Fuhrer has declared each month a special month of National Pride." Riza raised her eyebrow. "Oh this is not good." She declared in the same voice she had been announcing in.

"Is this anything like National Pirate Day?" Havoc asked, lighting up another cancer stick. Silly cancerous Havoc.

"Frighteningly… Yes." Riza's eyebrow twitched.

There were groans all around.

"Anything like January-" Roy began snidely.

"SHUSH!" Edward screeched and launched himself at Roy. Al caught him while Ed was flying parallel to the floor at Roy. "Unhand me cretin!"

"Yes, Roy. Yes it is." Riza sighed and began to read. "January has been declared National Meat Month…"

Crickets were heard all around.

"Back the truck up over Mustang's head…" Edward frowned, as he was lowered back to the floor by his brother. "As in…steak? Not like… meet new people… but… meat? Like cow? Like… goat?"

"What is it with you and goats Fullmetal?" Roy put his hands on his hips in an air of effeminate bother and miff-age. Basically, if there was fun to be had with goats… Roy wanted in. His question went unanswered, however. And then Roy Mustang died. Never to be heard from again. Not really. But I had you there for a second, didn't I?

"Why the hell is Amestris glorifying meat?" Havoc asked, taking a long drag. No, not dragging someone. A drag on his cigarette.

"Your mom glorified my meat, last night."

"Boy did I walk right into that one." Havoc sighed, blowing smoke.

"Yeah ya did." The Elrics agreed at the same time.

Riza cleared her throat again. "Just to make sure everyone got that… January… National Meat Month. Moving on to February…has…two." Riza face palmed. "We are ruled by a tyrannical ignoramus."

"What does it say, Hawk?"

"February is hereby decreed as National Sleep Safety month and…National Boost Your Ego Month." For the first time in her life, Riza though of maybe leaving the military to pursue her dream of becoming a ninja.

"And the day is mine!" Roy jumped up from where he had been seated on the edge of his desk. "Boost my ego now minions!"

"I'll boost your ego you fuck." Edward seemed to puff himself up to seem as big as possible (as is the natural defense mechanism of wild shrimp- erm- animals) and charged Roy. It was a good effort, to be sure. But the very disinterested Colonel simply held the alchemist as arms length. By his head. Ed tried to punch… but he was out of range.

"And, um… what the hell is Sleep Safety? I mean, who hurts themselves sleeping? Better yet, how is that even possible?" Roy said his one intelligent sentence of the day. Breda exchange glances with Fury, Riza's eyebrow raised even higher, Roy held the battling shrimp at bay (haha: BAY and SHRIMP), the shrimp continued to punch, Havoc shrugged and lit another ciggie, and Alphonse sweat dropped. Yes he did. Don't question. Ever.

"D'ya think…" Riza began. "That the Fuhrer…"

"Is speaking from personal experience?" Roy finished.

"Yeah…"

"Don't think about it. It hurts too much."

"Yes Sir." Riza shook the terrible thoughts of the Fuhrer and his sleep habits out of her head. "March…National Noodle month."

"Your mom liked my noodle, last night."

"Sweet!" Edward exclaimed and stopped punching at Roy. "I love noodles!"

"Now you get a month to celebrate them, congratulations." Roy quipped, releasing Edward's forehead. Big mistake. Ed turned around and, grinning like the sly little bastard that he was, punched Roy square in the jaw and sent him tumbling over the back of the desk backwards, ass over tea kettle.

"Ten points, for the Short Boss." Havoc noted in his journal.

"You little shit!" Roy snarled from the other side of the desk as he pulled his disheveled self up.

"Sir, contain yourself. We have work to do." Riza gave him a look.

"But he just-"

"Hush."

"But-"

He was given a death glare.

"April is…" Riza trailed off and then began giggling hysterically. Riza Hawkeye, pride of the Amestris Military, role model to generations, and Queen of RoyAi Fandom, was giggling…uncontrollably.

"Oh God, what?" Roy muttered, dropping his head to his hand.

"Well…" The giggling was replaced with a loud outburst of hysterical howling as she tried to regain control. She failed and slowly sank to the floor. "Oh my God, it's so perfect…" She wiped a tear from her eyes.

"What…the fuck?" Edward cocked his head, bemusedly. Havoc stepped in and took the folder from Hawkeye.

"Okay lesse… April is National- HAHA OMFG ROTFL!" Havoc actually said. He's been spending too much time blogging lately (under his LJ username: Likedoodihellahaveadate and his MySpace: Iizhotpleasedateme) and seemed to have fallen into Internet Speak in the time of hilarity. Riza and Jean both silenced themselves, looked at Roy and then proceeded to lose themselves in a fit again.

"What the hell!" Roy demnded.

"Alphonse, find out what's going on." Edward snapped.

"Right-o." Al nodded and walked over, taking the portfolio from the sill laughing First Lieutenant.

"April is National Sexually Transmitted Infection Awareness Month…" He read pleasantly. The crickets chirped, and everyone stared, and then Al realized what he said. "Ano…Ni-san?" He began, and then paused quite a while, staring at the paper. "EW!"

"Clearly, that was written just for Mustang." Jean said, fully recovered, arms crossed pointedly.

"Clearly." Riza agreed, in the same position.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Roy spluttered. "I DO NOT HAVE SYPHALIS!" Roy shouted.

"You said that Boss, not us…" Jean nodded, once again, pointedly.

"Are you insinuating something?" Roy glowered and raised his fingers—ready to snap.

"Um… no." Jean slunk behind Hawkeye.

"Brother I think I'm scarred for life."

"You'll get used to it, Al." Ed waved it off. Wow… the stories he could tell. But that was a different kettle of fish altogether.

Fish swimming in Roy's blood... Edward thought maliciously.

"Brother, you're drooling."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Well um… I'd say that one wins once and for all." Riza said, "And for some reason, the Furher knows Roy's sexual habits…" Her face drained of color. As did Havoc's. As did Ed and Breda's. And then, Fury caught on.

"You don't think that…" The bug-eyed Sergant-Master shuddered.

"Okay that just makes slash not hot at all." Edward sighed.

"I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH THE FURHER!" Roy screamed.

"The first step… is admitting it to yourself… then you can come out." Riza said politely.

"Are you kidding? He's so far in the closet he's finding Christmas presents." Jean quipped snidely to Riza.

"Yes, I know, but positive reinforcement is the key." She muttered. "May is National… Salad month."

"Rabbit food." Roy declared.

"Who the fuck eats salad?" Ed crossed his arms.

"Roy does. When I make him." Riza glowered at Roy. And that was the end of it. "Oh, and by the way, does anyone think that this is utterly ridiculous, if so say
"Aye"."

There was a resounding chorus of Aye's. Not to be confused with Aye-Ayes, the precocious little marsupials that they are.

"Oh, okay, good, as long as were on the same page."

"Um question," Roy began. "Because it's National Salad Month… do we have to eat salad all month?"

"Um… I don't… know…" Hawkeye responded, and then ignored the comment entirely. "June is National Adopt-a-Cat Month…"

"REALLY?" Alphonse nearly kicked off his armored shoes in a fit of joy.

"No, Al." Edward said sternly.

"Shit." Al said in a cute pout.

"July is Tahiti Awareness Month…."

Breda stood up to all his pudgy glory.

"ATTENTION, EVERYONE, I AM AWARE OF TAHITI."

Riza pondered a minute.

"Yanno, Tahiti isn't even supposed to exist in this particular universe." She said to Roy.

"Yeah… about that… Honeymoon?" He grinned at her.

"Sure." She shrugged. Roy was dumbfounded. Had he finally found the password to let him FINALLY get at Riza?

"Wait… really?"

"I didn't say with you now did I?"

"Fuck. Foiled again." He snapped… unintentionally burning Fury. Not that anyone noticed.

"August: National Catfish Month…"

"Wow." Edward drawled.

"Catfish?" Al seemed to ask hopefully.

"No, Al."

"Dammit." Al cursed adorably.

"September… National Gay Squaredance Month." Hawkeye sighed.

"I think the Brokeback Mountain Phenomenon is going a bit too far…" Roy posed the question.

"Dude, you are so gay, you saw that movie?" Edward laughed quite evilly.

"I saw it with you, Fullmetal." Roy snapped right back. Edwards smile sank like the Titanic. With out the sappy love scenes.

"D00d…." Breda and Jean went wide eyed.

"Brother! You saw that without me!"

"I'll go with you next week, Al."

"Okay, sure. Dinner before?"

"Indeed."

"Okay… that was …" Jean picked his words carefully. "Awkward… on both counts."

"Edward, you little minx!" Breda clapped him on the back.

"What?" Edward asked confusedly. As per usual.

"Clearly, he's not an adult yet…" Roy rolled his eyes.

"That's not what you said last night." Ed grinned. Everyone stared in terror. And silence. Including Roy. "Oh… wow…" Edward scratched his head. "That was…really gay…"

Roy coughed. "Uh, yea it was."

"Moving right along, October is National Seafood month."

"SHRIMP!"

"AUGH!"

"BRINE SHRIMP!"

"OH GO TO HELL!" Edward was about to clap and make some really interesting situations for Roy, but Alphonse grappled with him and held both of his wrists so that his hands couldn't connect.

"November is…" Hawkeye began.

"National Turkey month?" Havoc suggested.

"No."

"National Stuffing Month?" Breda tried. At least they were having fun with all of this…insanity.

"No again. And I stuffed your Mom last night." Riza said dutifully.

"National Kill the Indians Month?" Fury said gleefully…

"Um… no. National Raisin Bread Month."

"Aw!" Havoc slapped his thigh. "Shoot. Raisin Bread."

"Finally… thank you Jesus… December." Riza sighed. "In the fashion of the Holiday spirit, the Fuhrer dictates that December is National "Hi, Neighbor" Month." Riza threw the portfolio over her shoulder.

"Well… of course. That makes sense…" Roy blinked in confusion. Of course he

only blinked one eye. He was practicing for when he acquired his quite dashing eye patch.

"He couldn't have made it National Fruitcake Month?" Fury asked. Havoc hit him over the head with his fist, sending the poor minion's glasses flying… again.

"Why would he do that, that would almost make sense." Havoc rolled his eyes. "And I thought National Pirate Day was bad…"

"Well. Suddenly I find myself more supportive of Roy's planned coup. Even though he'll wear that stupid eye patch afterwards." Riza rolled her eyes.

"DASHING not STUPID, Hawkeye."

"Whatever." Riza rolled her eyes.

"Wow. I think even Roy can be a better Commander In Chief than King Bradley." Breda snorted.

"But not as good as Gina Davis." The long lost Falman amended.

"Well of course, I never said that!" Breda said defensively. "Whoa, dude, I totally forgot you were here."

Falman sighed. "Such is life."

"Roy will do fine until I usurp his position and take over Amestris in the name of Elric!" Ed leapt (like the nimble creature he was) and stood on Roy's desk, cackling with his hands on his hips.

"And cats!" Al hurrahed.

"Um… no, Al. No cats."

"Fuckin' A Brother!" Al kicked at the rug.

"I usurped your mom, last night." Breda sniggered.

"Sit down, you idiot." Roy pulled a tai-jitsu-flame-y-combat move and knocked Edward's legs out from under him. Shorty McAlchemist fell right on his ass rather hard.

"OW you FUCKER that HURT!" Holy word emphasis Batman!11

"Oh, want me to make it feel better?" Roy mocked.

"Ya know what, YEA I DO!" Edward glared.

"FINE THEN. Meet me in that old storage closet in an hour!" Roy nearly screamed in rage.

"FINE, I'LL BE THERE. BET YOU WONT HAVE THE GUTS TO SHOW UP, COLONEL WANNA-BE-ASAIN!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

The both got up and stormed out opposite doors of the office.

…

"Do they even realize what they just said?" Havoc exclaimed in utter shock.

"No… I don't think… so…" Riza blinked, and looked awkwardly at her remaining co-workers. "Um…"

Edward poked his head back in the room rather embarrassedly.

"Okay…what did I just say?" He laughed nervously. "Cuz… Mustang just went skipping down the hall…"

"Ed! This is how you got in the situation with the goat!" Al flung his arms up in

a hopeless gesture.

"That fucking goat…"

A/N: with more bad slash references than your usual FMA parody! The funniest thing about this is that all of those stupid-ass National Holidays are really National Month Of's. No really. They are. Some of the other funny ones are "National Prune the Fat Month" for January. "National Potato Lover's Month" for February. My personal favorite "National Florida Tomato Month" for April, as well ""Uh-Huh" Month". And "Romance Awareness Month" for August. Not my best chapter, in fact I went straight for the shameless comedy and not so much the witty "oh, how delightfully humorous." But really… when did I EVER do that?