I Don't own FMA

Shakespeare Has No Place in Central

"One of these days..." Roy growled viciously. There was too much goddamn noise to concentrate on his paperwork! Now, anyone with half a brain would realize what an oxymoron Roy concentrating on ANYTHING is, let alone paperwork.

Truth to be told he was hung over, thanks to the likes of Maes Hughes. It really was a stupid endeavor… really stupid. Roy covered his eyes with his hands to try and ease the pounding in his head. He had the mind of a 12 year-old, he decided. After Hughes had busted out the tenth picture, Roy thought that the manic green-eyed Lt. Colonel had to be nearing the end of his stash, and bored as Roy was, he decided that for every new picture Maes brought forth, Roy would down a shot. Test his manhood… if you will.

He didn't remember anything past the 3rd birthday pictures. And Elysia was five….

"I-" Roy began in a very pompous and commanding voice, as if he were about to declare Fridays mini-skirt day for all female officers for the rest of eternity and then some. "Am an idiot." He finished.

A rather large crash erupted from the hall, and he could hear the bane of his existence, cackling in all of his short blonde glory.

"Ed!" The muffled voice of his brother yelled, in a mix of concern and sheer embarrassment. More embarrassment than concern, that was for certain.

"What?" Fullmetal answered as loud an obnoxious as ever. Ed. Roy mused. What a dumb name. No wonder he could never remember it.

Roy let out a loud, self-serving, self-pitying groan and sprawled across his desk, knocking all semblances of "orderly stacks of paperwork" to the floor, and couldn't help but snicker. Take that you intimate objects.

Roy wondered if he could possibly still be drunk… Possibly. Yes.

A rather thin, waif-like, pathetic sheet of paper clung to the corner of the desk, teetering on the edge of doom. Roy stared at it. He exhaled quite forcefully (he wasn't blowing it off, merely exhaling heavily). It trembled, but stayed rooted to the desk. Roy pouted. His eyes darted to the door, shiftily. No one was coming in… He looked back at the paper, glaring at it, and violently slapped it off the desk. He smirked.

Yes. Still somewhat drunk.

Another fit of maniacal cackling was heard from outside, and Breda yelling. And Havoc's voice growing rather panicky…

"Fullmetal, when I become Caesar I swear to god…" Roy stopped himself. Furher… not Caesar. He wasn't epileptic. He couldn't be a Caesar. He was, however, going to lose an eye in the future, so that made him a prime candidate for Furher. Sweet. Roy smirked again, not really concerned with the loss of his eye… in the somewhat near future. Not to mention he wouldn't have to worry about pesky Brutus and Cassius.

He was suddenly reminded of reading Julius Caesar. He really wasn't one for literature- but that night, Lt. Hawkeye was dropping off some paperwork, so Roy sat down in his smoking jacket, with a glass of brandy and the only leather bound book he could find in his apartment (which was Julius Caesar). And thus, he pretended to read the book and waited. Unfortunately for him, Hawkeye wasn't able to swing by, and Roy not only got so bored he ended up reading the book, he also got quite giddy on too many brandy re-fills.

His favorite character: Cinna the Poet without a doubt. What an idiot! Roy smirked, and swallowed. He hoped he hadn't been drooling, but qué será será. Shakespeare was certainly a funny guy. Cinna the Poet actually kind of reminded him of Breda… now that he thought about it. Witty yes… soon to be dead, yes. But who was Roy? He couldn't be Caesar… he was too tall, too good-looking, and too… not epileptic. He was neither Cassius nor Brutus. So he must be Marc Antony. Clearly. Marc Antony was young, good looking, and he got Cleopatra. Heck yes he did.

Good quotes from Julius Caesar too. Like… "Et tu Brute?" … and…

That's really all he could remember at the moment. He was still drunk from the night before.

A rather unnerving clatter arose from the hall, and Roy jumped at the sound. He tried to save himself by gripping anything and everything on the desk, but he wasn't that coordinated, and instead fell back into his chair (which rolled) and of course the thing rolled away from him, and he found himself on the floor in a heap- the rest of the contents of his desk showering down on top of him.

Effing stapler.

Fullmetal… was cackling… again. Roy wouldn't have been surprised if Alphonse had just fell into a million LOUD pieces, because that little blond minion would be cackling at that too!

"HEY CHIEF!" Havoc nearly screamed. Roy's nerves were gone. His head was pouding, and seeing as he was still drunk he had no rational thought.

The colonel stood up, clawing the desk for support, all the while glaring at the door where the joyful sounds of laughter would soon cease and be replaced with dead silence. He ungracefully trod through the paperwork scattered about the floor with a look in his eyes that would have put Washington crossing the Delaware to shame.

He heard the inspirational, menacing, authoritative musical score in his head as he made his way to the door… which oddly enough sounded like the theme from Spiderman… and now… he only needed the quote…

He was going to …

Um…

And then the lightbulb went off.

He puffed himself up with a breath, and declared to the empty room as he placed his hand on the doorknob-

"CRY "HAVOC" AND LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!"

Upon opening the door he was greeted with Fullmetal Shrimp being held upside-down by his ankles by Falman and Breda… and Havoc was tickling him.

"HAVOC!" Ed screamed with the fury of… not Fury. (More like the force of a great typhoon- to quote some song Roy remembered being very fond of.)

In the same instant, Black Hayate went scampering though Roy's legs knocking him to the floor. Ed was dropped… on his head… and aside from a bark and a slew of cursing, there was silence.

Roy stared dumbfounded at the scene.

Cry Havoc…

And let loose the dogs of war?

That did not just happen…

Roy got up, even angrier than he was before and closed the door behind him again. Shakespeare was a douche.

A/N: I wrote this for Mikomi's Pen. Who played Cinna the Poet in our production of JULIA Caesar.