She was useful, yes, and without her he would never have touched the vast space that was his power, the open canvas that was his destiny. when her zanpaktou pierced his heart, his snowy world had been thrown into a vivid technicolor. No, he thought, that happened the moment she stepped through his wall and onto his desk, her face all business, her body a bamboo reed with a steel center.
It wasn't that he missed her.
She was that calm presence that steadied him, strengthened him. He shuddered at the thought of the hooligan he was before, all power and no control. Somehow seeing her struggle with common things—zippers, retractable pens, and those damned juice boxes—reminded him of how much he enjoyed being a big brother. When Karin and Yuzu were younger, the time he spent with them was different than the other hours and minutes. Here was responsibility, and here was the fulfillment of knowing he was needed. For a while he let himself dream that Rukia needed him too, just not in the same way.
It wasn't that he loved her. She'd been gone eleven days. He tossed around on his bed, and it was damn near three am before he realized he could not sleep without the thin wisps of her breath emanating from his closet or the light tussle he'd hear when she tossed and turned, apparently in the thrall of her own nightmares.
Yes, she had nightmares too. It was this, he mused, that actually connected them. Something normal they shared. She had been there and probably witnessed his night torment firsthand, and he almost swore he felt her warm hand on his cheek.
And her warmer lips on his forehead. Motherly but for the fact that she was nothing close to it. From there his mind would descend to some place between here and heaven where she would hold him, tell him she was coming home and everything would be alright. And she would not protest when he took advantage of her comfort and touched her in places he only imagined were accessible to him.
And he would wake the next morning with renewed resolve that he would make that dream come true.