Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Thirty Minutes PT1
Rated: M for mature audiences for language, violence and crude humor.
Summary…duh…just what the title says…
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter…with that said…on with it!
Dramatic drums and WB logo
Audience: YESSSSSSSS!
Skulls and a snake
Old man sees light in window
Old man: Damn kids…can't they find any other creepy, supposed house of many murders back in the day to go play in?
Old man walks to house with flashlight and ascends the stairs.
Voice: Wormtail…do you like crumpets?
Wormtail: Oh yes, my lord!
Voice: I need the boy!
Wormtail: Couldn't we do it without the boy?
Voice: NO! The boy is everything…the tea party cannot be done without him!
Other man: I will do it! I will not disappoint you, my lord!
Snake: slither
Voice: Nanagi says there's someone spying on our party!
Old man: Oh shit!
Wormtail: steps up to door
Voice: Move aside! I want to greet our guest! Hello…AVADA KEDAVRA!
Weasley's place:
Hermione: HARRY!
Harry: hears whistling noises and wakes up Get that candle out of my face!
Hermione: Ronald, wake up!
Ron: drools Oh Hermione…
Hermione: WAKE UP!
Ron: snaps awake uhh…Hermione…
Hermione: Go downstairs…
Outside someplace:
Harry: Yo Ron, where are we?
Ron: Don't know…DAD!
Mr. Weasley: I'm leading you into the fog to have my way with you all! KEEP UP!
All: follows
Suddenly-
Voice: ARTHUR! Where HAVE you been!
Mr. Weasley: Sorry Amos…some people were having foreshadowing dreams that foretold the return of that guy that we can't name…but all is well…
Boy jumps down for the trees
All: Whoa!
Mr. Weasley: And this is Cedric…no significant events yet! Come along!
Amos: Merlin's be-hind…you must be Harry Potter!
Harry:…well no duh…what gave it away? My scar…or me having my mother's eyes…because I swear if I hear that one more time I'll…
Mr. Weasley: KEEP UP!
Climbing a hill:
dramatic musical climb to a boot
Amos: Get into a good position…
Harry: With a boot?
Fred: Not just any old boot, mate. It's a "special" boot.
Harry: A "special" boot? Can it do tricks or something?
George: ….it's a Portkey!
Harry: Oh…ok. What's a Portkey?
Mr. Weasley: Harry, grab on or you can't go on the hallucinogenic ride you're about to go on!
grabs the boot
spin
crackle
sparks
Harry: Whoa…it is hallucinogenic.
Mr. Weasley…told ya…now let go…
Hermione: What! And lose my buzz…!
they let go and hit the Earth with oofs and coughs
Cedric, Amos, and Mr. Weasley float back down to Earth.
Amos: Rock on…
Tent Camp:
crowds all laugh and dance
Irish music
people fly
guy juggles balls with strings
Mr. Weasley: points to tent There it is!
All climb in except for Harry
Harry: Whoa…I saw that at a circus once. looks stunned So that's how they fit all those clowns into that tiny car enters tent to find spacious accommodations
Mr. Weasley: Get out of my hash brownies, Ron!
Fred and George: Get out of the hash brownies, Ron!
Mr. Weasley: Feet off the table and don't repeat me!
Fred and George: Feet off the table and don't repeat me!
Harry: I love hash brownies…
Quidditch World Cup:
all are walking up to their stands when Lucius Malfoy stops them
Lucius: grabs Harry by the foot with his staff
Lucius: Do enjoy yourself, Potter…
Harry: Not as much as you probably enjoy that stick up your ass…
Lucius: …while you still can…not that I am hinting towards any impending battle between my dark Lord and yourself because I haven't heard any whispers yet…
Irish come out
Bulgarians come out
Hermione: Who is THAT!
Fred: That is the bestest seeker in the whole wide world…the greatest broom rider…and he can do acrobatics on it too…see! He's Viktor Krum…
Hermione: wide eyed sKRUMptious
Back at the tent:
Ron: Krum…he's like a bird…he isn't just the bestest seeker in the world…he's an ARTIST! With his whole choreographed broom dance during half time…
Ginny: Little Ronny has a crush…
Ron: At least I'm not crushing on Harry…
Fred and George: Viktor I love you…Viktor I do…when we're apart…my heart beats only for you…
MM2005: wide eyed I KNEW IT! RON'S A FLAMER!
Mr. Weasley: Listen…the Irish aren't causing all that screaming and mayhem that is outside…we must go!
Outside:
Mr. Weasley: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Harry: gets separated and gets kicked in the head
Burned out campsite:
Guy in a nice coat walks through destruction.
Guy: points wand to sky Just saying Latin type words to make the Dark Mark thingy appear!
Harry wakes up
Guy: Oh look…Harry Potter…kill two birds with one stone.
Harry: Stay back, bitch!
Ron and Hermione: Harry!
Guy: Oh shit! runs
The two run to him.
Ron: We've been looking for you?
Harry: I was right here…duh…hey…what is that?
They all look that the Dark Mark…
Harry: ACK! MY SCAR IS BURNING! I'M MELTLING…I'M MELTING…!
Apparated guys: STUPIDFIED…FY…STUPFEY! WAIT NO…STUPFIYY…grr…whatever…
Mr. Weasley: NO! That's is my son! Screw the other two…that is my son!
Barty Crouch Sr.: Who done it?
Mr. Weasley: Nah…wasn't them…
BC Sr.: LIES! ALL LIES! YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT RED HANDED AT THE CRIMESCENE!
Harry: You got nothing to prove that…
Ron: Yeah…we're just kids…
Mr. Weasley: That's my line…
Harry: What crime?
Hermione: Well if the big looming Dark Mark wasn't in the sky then I'd be right there along with you…but…it is…so….
Harry: Who's mark is it? Voldermort's?
All: Shiver
Harry: Those guys that were attacking the camp…those were his followers huh?
BC Sr.: Ding ding ding…what do we have for him, Johnny?…well follow me everyone…
Harry: There was also a man…you know…before you all showed up and ruined the chance for me to get a good look at him…he was over there…points
BC Sr.: Thanks
Hogwarts Train:
Trolley woman: Get your sugary sweets! Come rot your teeth!
Ron: I'll have some balls and some yummy licorice…oh wait…just the balls…
Harry: I'll pay for the licorice…
Ron: Just because I am not as rich as you Harry doesn't mean I need your money…I just want my balls thank you!
Mysterious Chinese girl: Some pumpkin things please…
Harry: Hey there sexy…How YOU doin'?
MCG: Smiles at Harry Thank you…
Trolley woman: Hey kid…do you want to rot your teeth or what?
Harry: takes a minute oh…uh…nah…
In the compartment:
Hermione: They still don't know who made that looming mark the other night…shows how great our defenses against the guy we can't name is…where was our safety!
Ron: Oh tons was there…that's what Dad said at least…
Hermione: Your scar is still bothering you and you are still thinking about that dream…you should tell Sirius…
Harry: I'm fine…
Hermione: He'll want to know…
Harry: looks out window thinks I hate it…she's always right! Goddamn…I guess that saying IS true…that woman ARE always right. writes letter and Hedwig flies off
At school:
A carriage being drawn by many Pegasus's and then a boat that comes up from underwater
Harry: Whoa…I think that hallucinogen trip I went on screwed with my brain…
In the Great Hall:
Dumbledore: Now that we all have taken our places and had our little sorting ritual that the people watching never get to see anymore…I would like to make an announcement…
Filch: runs into the Great Hall Must…stop…smoking…the…grass…with…Professor…Sprout…
Dumbledore and Filch whisper
Filch runs out
Dumbledore: Hogwarts is now hosting a legendary event called the Triwizard Tournament that is very dangerous and someone will probably get killed coughs Cedric coughs So that is why we are being invaded by an all girls school…
Guys: hoot and holler
Dumbledore: …AND an all boys school…
Girls: hoot and holler
Dumbledore: So let me introduce the ladies of the Bebac…Bowbat…the B…something or other Academy…with their head half giant…I mean…Headmistress Madame Maxime…
Girls walk in, wave their arms, and sigh. They run…
Ron: Look at those fine asses…
Hermione: …..
Birdies
Dumbledore: Shakes out of his male induced trance And now the Northern sons of proud Durmstrang…or…wait…the proud sons of Northern Durmstrang…just…welcome them…
Guys enter with sparking sticks and saying: HU! HA!
Viktor walks in
Ron: moon eyed AHHH Viktor begins humming the song that his brothers had sang before
Guys spits fire and makes a phoenix in front on Dumbledore…irony anyone?
Igor: ALLL-BOOS
Dumbledore: ….
Outside:
Figure sloshes
Inside the Great Hall:
Igor and Snape look at each other
Igor: You know the scoop right?
Snape: Yep…
Igor: That's all I get is a yep?
Snape: Yep…
Maxime: My horses need whiskey…give my horses whiskey Dumbley-dore…
Dumbledore: That's Hagrid's line of work…
Hagrid: smiles and stabs Flitwick with a fork
Flitwick: MY HAND! GAHHH!
Dumbledore: stands next to a tall thingy Listen up!
All: shushed
Dumbledore: I'd like to say three words: Eternal glory. That's what awaits the student that can survive three dangerous tasks…hence TRIwizard Tournament…and three students…yeah…you know what I mean. Anyway…the Ministry has made a rule in order to cover their own asses and here to explain this is Barty Crouch Sr. …
Harry: Hey…I know that guy…
Ceiling goes wonky
Guy thrusts out his wand and makes it all go away
Ron: Well eat my balls and call me Jr. That's Mad-eye Moody.
Hermione: Alastor Moody the Auror! How I know his name? Because I know all!
Some kid: Auror?
Ron: Dark Wizard catcher…duh…He's as MAD as a hatter…hence MAD-eye Moody.
Moody: HEY…there's Harry Potter…but why am I looking at him…I have NO interest in him at all…Sits and drinks his flask
Seamus: OOO…old bat's a drunk…
Harry: No it's probably just pumpkin juice…or SOME kind of juice…but…that's later on…
BC Sr.: looking scared We have set this rule, you see…that no one under the age of 17 can participate…so…sucks to be all of you under 17...
Students: WTF!
Harry: Yay…a non dangerous year for me! A non dangerous year for me…!
Dumbledore: SHUSH! points his wand and the tall thingy disappears leaving behind a goblet that begins to emit fire
Harry and Ron: SMORE'S!
Dumbledore: This is the Goblet…of…Fire…ya'll that want to participate and are under the age of 17 can just write their name on a crumpled up piece of paper, throw it in…and make a wish!…if you are chosen…well…you're screwed…
Alone and with the goblet:
Igor closes the door to the Goblet of Fire…which has no significant tribute to the plot…
Defense Against the Dark Arts class:
Moody: Alastor…that's my name…let me spell my last name…I am an ex-auror because I helped the wrong people sometimes, and I am also here to teach you to defend yourselves against my lord…I mean…the dark arts…so…that's it…the end…now…any questions?
All: blank stare
Moody: I know I just didn't make sense. What are the three unforgivable curses that can send you to Az-ka-ban? And even though you all are still too young to see what these can do…I am going to teach you anyways.
Hermione: Well gulps The curses are so unforgivable that they…
Moody: …are to horrible to mention…I know…
Hermione: But we shouldn't be seeing…
Moody: …them…I know
Hermione: thinks What is it with him finishing my lines?
Seamus: sticks his gum under his desk
Moody: Not a good place to put gum, Mr. Finnegan.
Seamus: He can see out of the back of his head!
Moody: AND I can throw chalk over your head! Weasley! Give me a curse!
Ron: Imperious
Moody: Yes, gave your father a bit of trouble. Let me go get my deadly and probably shouldn't be taken out of its jar spider. points his wand at spider Grow! Imperio!
Spider grows then floats on people. Moody cackling like an old woman.
Moody: Shall I make her drown?
Ron: eyes glowing red YESSSSSS!
Moody: Next curse? Longbottom…stand up because I want you to name the curse I put on your parents…I mean the curse that killed your parents.
Neville: Crucio thingy…
Moody: Crucio!
Spider writhes and screeches.
Longbottom: Even though my parents weren't spiders…it still is bringing back painful memories…
Hermione: STOP! I AM A HUMANITARIAN!
Ron: eyes still glowing red NO…Don't stop…drools
Moody: stops and puts the spider on Hermione's desk If you're such a humanitarian…what's the last and final curse?
Hermione: shakes head
Moody: All right. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Spider dies
Ron: BOOYA BABY!
Moody: Only one person had survived that curse and we all know who he is, but I am going to stand in front of him and stare at him to make it obvious.
Harry: And your point is?
Moody: tongue flicks and he drinks
Harry: Crazy drunk…
Stairs:
Hermione: Neville…oh poor Neville…
Harry: Nice…he's right here…
Hermione: Oh…Neville?
Moody: Hey boy…come have so tea with me and we'll reminisce about how I killed…a…Death Eater…and hey….I'll give you a nice plant book…that's it…
Ron: Didn't your grandmother ever tell you not to take plant books from crazy guys?
Neville: corny look on face
Outside:
Students: We're frolicking in the rain! Frolic…frolic….frolic…
Great Hall:
Fred and George: We're smart and we made an aging potion. Sucks to be all you bitches!
Hermione: It won't work!
Fred and George: And why not?
Hermione: Because the great Dumbledore created this floating ring around the goblet and he cannot be so easily fooled by an immature idea like an aging potion.
Fred: Well…pff…shows how much you know.
George: Ready!
Fred: Yep…
Both: Bottom's up!
They drink and jump into the ring.
Both: YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW, HERMIONE!
Both enter
Both: YEAH!
Both are blown back and hair begins to grow and they fight.
Harry: I swear there was a porno like this once…
Ron: Shut up! The Great Viktor is coming to put his name in. Oh…and Cedric entered before, but since I waved and he didn't even acknowledge me…we're forgetting about him.
Viktor enters
Ron: He's such an artist. Hello Viktor Ron waves
Viktor looks at Hermione and smiles
Hermione: Wowza!
Ron: Wait, Viktor…wait!
Great Hall for choosing time:
Dumbledore: Now is the time we find out who our competitors are. First name…
Fire goes pink
Dumbledore:…Viktor Krum! Come on down…you're the next lucky contestant on The Price of your Life!
Viktor: OMFG
Dumbledore: Next name…Fleur Delcor…come on down!
Fleur: OMFG
Dumbledore: And the final name for the bestest school!…Cedric Diggory!
Cedric: smiles
Dumbledore: pulls him aside You sure you want to do this? You COULD die…well…there's a good chance of it…well…yeah…
Cedric: Smiles
Dumbledore: Now that we have our three challengers…
Snape: WTF?
Goblet goes wonky. Paper jettisons out. Dumbledore grabs it.
Dumbledore: thinks WTF? says Harry Potter…Harry Potter…HARRY POTTER!
Harry: WTF OMFG!
Harry walks down the row
Students: BURN THE WITCH! BLASPHEMY!
Room of golden trophies and such:
Dumbledore: Did you put your name in the fire?
Harry: No sir…
Dumbledore: Are you sure?
Harry: Yes sir…
Dumbledore: Positive?
Harry:…
Dumbledore: Just making sure…
Dumbledore's office:
Snape: Wow…a scene where I can actually have more than…well…no lines…
Minerva: Albus…you can't have Potter compete…
Snape: We should…he has no choice…
Dumbledore: Yes, I agree with Severus.
Minerva: Why do I even bother!
Dumbledore: I know you'd never to anything to betray me, Severus. cough Sixth book cough
Boy's dormitory:
Harry: Ron, listen to me…I didn't enter that stupid tournament.
Ron: Whatever. I am going into a jealous rage because I am only recognized as Harry Potter's stupid friend.
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Harry…
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Harry…
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Piss off…
Harry: Ok…
Trophy room:
Rita: Ahhh…a foursome…this is going to make a great story…I am Rita Skeeter…I know my dress is an awful sick green color, but I like it this way. What…lewd fantasies, what…kinky ideas…lie behind those…striking young faces? My rabid…not ravid…rabid…readers that consist of old ladies and crazy nymphomaniacs want to know! Who's willing to spill the seed if you will?
Harry: looks at Krum This bitch is nuts.
Rita: Ah…the youngest…lets go into the closet and play seven minutes in heaven…shall we?
Harry: HELP ME!
In the closet:
Rita: all in Harry's face and rubbing up against him This is quite cozy.
Harry: I think I'm going to be sick
Rita: So, what is it like to be known as the boy who luckily lived at the age of 11...
Harry: 14
Rita: …and facing three students that have mastered many techniques that you haven't even imagined yet of doing?
Harry: uhh…I- I don't…WTF? looks at quill
Rita: Ignore Pete…now…we all know that being an unordinary boy of 11...
Harry: 14
Rita: …you probably entered this tournament because you don't have any parents and in that sense have a psychological dysfunction and a psychotic death wish?
Harry: What? No…I didn't enter…
Rita: Riiight and I am secretly the Easter Bunny in disguise…
Harry: looks at quill and pad Hey…my eyes are not glistening with the ghost of my past!
Rita: Oh shit!
Owl tower:
Black bird enters with letter. Harry opens it
Letter: Dear Harry…meet me in the common room at 1 AM…
Harry: 1 AM! WTF!
Letter: …just do it…Sirius oh…and…P.S…
Harry: goes to stroke the bird and it bites him
Letter: …the bird bites…
Harry: No shit!
Common room:
Harry: Sirius!
Sirius: Psssst…over here…
Harry: Where!
Sirius: In the fire!
Harry: WTF? THE FIRE! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!
Sirius: Keep it down…sheesh…now listen to me…did you enter your name into the goblet?
Harry: No…why does everyone keep asking me that!
Sirius: Are you sure?
Harry: Yes
Sirius: Positive?
Harry: …
Sirius: Just making sure. Oh…the devils are inside the walls, nothing is coincidence, Igor was a Death Eater and yeah…I think he still is, Barty Crouch sent his own son to Azkaban, but you'll see that later on, and…Buckbeak says hello…oh…and you'll probably die in this tournament…
Harry: Someone's coming…
Sirius: Oh shit!
Harry: stands up
Ron: Who were you talking to?
Harry: No one…maybe you're imagining things…like always…
Ron: Probably practicing for Rita…you…man-whore…
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Harry…
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Harry…
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Piss off…
Harry: Ok…
Outside near the lake:
Neville: Beautiful…this weed is so beautiful…
Harry: Why don't you just marry it?
Neville: I already did…
Harry: sees Ginny, Ron and Hermione walking down the hill
Hermione: Ronald would like me to tell you that Seamus told him that Deamus was told by Parvati that Hagrid's looking for you.
Harry: Oh all right…wait…WTF!
Hermione: I don't want to say it again.
Harry: Well you can tell Ron…
Hermione: Do I look like a goddamn owl to you? Do I have wings! NO!
Harry: What's got your knickers in a twist?
In the forest:
Harry: Yo Hagrid? Where are we going?
Hagrid: I got to show ye something…but for a price…
Harry: What price?
Hagrid: You got to watch me sweep Madame Maxime off her big feet…
Harry: gag choke
Hagrid: Put yer cloak on cuz there she is.
Maxime: Hagreed…I thought you were going to stiff me up…
Hagrid: I wouldn't dream of it…though something else is stiff…but anyways…I got to show yer something.
Hagrid brings her to the dragons.
Maxime: Oh let's get closer so we can burn to a crisp!
She walks away
Harry: Dragons! That's the first task!
Hagrid: Yeah…Ron knew about them too…didn't he tell you?
Harry: No because he's going throw a jealous rage and he's a bastard.
Hagrid: Oh…that's all…
End of pt. 1
A.N. So? Comments….reviews…I am working on the second part as I speak…so…it will be up ASAP!